Can 12-month-old be away from parents for 3 months?

[chris481]

Daughter has for the first year of her life been looked after by mother, father and granny in the same house. There is a plan for daughter at age 12 months to spend 3 months abroad being looked after by granny, during which time she won't see her parents. She and granny will then return, and granny will leave after a further couple of months.

I've heard that babies being separated from adults they have bonded with can cause problems that last the rest of their lives.

Is parents going missing for 3 months at age 1 a problem?

Thanks for the comments.

I am the father. This is mother's plan, which I'm doubtful about. There is an alternative, which is for daughter to go to nursery earlier, at age one instead of nearer one and half.

Granny has been around for all but months 5 and 6, helping to take care of daughter, and the proportion of time spent together increased from month 7, when mother went back to work.

I hope that if bond with parents is OK, daughter will survive the disappearance of granny, who is going to vanish from daily contact at some point. (Abroad is a 12-hour flight away.) I do not know if a couple of months of being back together with both parents and granny will repair any harm done by 3 months away from parents, in time for granny disappearing not to matter so much. I do not know if 3 months away from parents will do permanent harm to daughters personality or relationship with parents. (Some of the replies make me think my concerns are justified.)

I'm vaguely aware of bonding issues partly because of a radio interview I once heard, in which an academic commented on British volunteers working in foreign orphanages. An orphanage had claimed that they dealt with the temporariness of the volunteers by only letting them care for babies. The academic said they didn't understand that it was far more damaging for a baby to lose someone they had bonded with than for a toddler to experience a change of carer. I think she said, and/or I have read elsewhere, that this has a permanent damaging effect on the ability to form relationships with anyone. However my case may be different as we are not talking about permanent loss of parents, and there are overlaps either side of the absence from parents that mean daughter will never suddenly be without the only person she is used to.

I don't understand why you are even thinking of this. I am assuming that the 12 hour away bit is for work - would it not be possible for Granny to travel with you and your partner so that your DD would at least see her parents in the evenings and at weekends? Or is the place you are going to not safe/suitable?

Since so many have asked: I think the purpose of the plan is purely to postpone nursery care. I'm not sure because I haven't had an extended conversation about it yet. The comments here may be evidence I'll take into that conversation. (I should stress I'm not looking for evidence on only one side of the argument though; I'm genuinely uncertain if there is a problem. I particularly appreciate the post in the other direction from madwomanintheattic, who seems to know something about the academic research. I've been unable to locate good information online, though maybe I need to try harder.)

I don't think mother sees any potential downside to the plan, with respect to daughters well-being. I think mother thinks she and granny (her mother) are interchangeable as carers, and that it really doesn't matter to daughter which of the two is caring for her in any given hour/day/month.

From what I understand about bonding and attachment I think this would be a harmful thing to do your DD is too young and it will have a detrimental effect. From personal experience and also because of the work I do I can't see what good would come from this idea.

Ok, clear as mud. :)

Sorry, but I cannot see how not seeing her parents for three months would preferable to going into a nursery setting earlier.

That just makes no sense.

I don't think that your partner fully understands how difficult this will be for you both. And how much it could affect your daughter.

In the cases mentioned - forces children - it is an unavoidable situation brought about by their careers, and even then there is normally one parent at home (I believe).

"the purpose of the plan is purely to postpone nursery care"

Absolute madness. Plenty of people use nurseries successfully and their children flourish in them.

How could a mother wave off a tiny baby for 3 months for such a bizarre reason?

I don't know the academic side of things wrt childhood separation have read that you (primary carers) shouldn't be away from your child for more days/nights than your child is old e.g. if your child is 2, you can be away from it for two days and nights before there are any issues.

Your wife seems to think that nursery care is worse than separating a child from its parents for three months. If she/you are not happy with your chosen nursery, why not look at having a nanny or childminder instead or, if you can afford it, have an au pair to take your child to nursery/pick her up so that her days are not so long?

For what it is worth, my daughter has been at nursery full time since I returned to work when she was a year old. She has been thriving on being with other babies/children and the staff have been great at providing her with love and care appropriate to her age. As a result of interaction with many people, backed up by continuous, dedicated care outside of the nursery by my DH and myself, she's developed into a confident and social little girl and I am not at all sure she would have developed quite as well if she'd been at home with me full-time.

Granny is definitely preferable to nursery at that age, especially as there's already a bond there. But I suspect your partner has bonding issues if she thinks your daughter won't notice the difference when she vanishes for 3 months.

You are being very cryptic. Why can't you take her with you? Are you moving to a war zone?

I agree, madness.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with nursery care, if it is in the right setting and both mother and baby are happy with it. No bonding issues or any confusion about bonding.

This is a world away from leaving your child for 3 MONTHS!

Is your wife's job very high pressured? Is she worried about her work life balance? Because if she is, it gets harder as they get older, not easier so she needs to deal with this now, not at 15 months.

There are no bonding issues between mother and baby, it may be cultural differences that make her see things differently from people here. I'm being cryptic because this is her private life I'm commenting on publically. (Though we're probably already past the point where I can still show her this discussion.)

To clear up some other confusion, neither parent is going anywhere, any separation would be purely the result of baby going away to granny's home for up to three months, which is to far away to visit regularly.

I now realise there's something else that might make things clearer: granny can only visit for six months at a time, on a tourist visa. So the period baby spend with granny would bridge the gap between her second and third shifts. (The gap between first and second wasn't a problem because mother hadn't returned to work.)

Whereever you are planning to go for 3 months (presumably a good work opportunity) why not take granny and baby with you?

It's great that the baby has a good relationship with granny, but a year old is a top age for separation anxiety (and therefore carers are not interchangable), whilst not being old enough to explain anything to. A one-year old will be starting to say words, very aware of surroundings.

For me it would be a decision to make if there was absolutely no other choice, from my own pov if nothing else. And won't YOU miss the baby like crazy?

I have some knowledge of attachment theory. The evidence would suggest that:

• Caregivers are not interchangeable. People form different types of attachment relationships with different carers. Yes, your daughter will miss you both when you are gone, and yes she will miss granny when she has gone, and she will experience distress because of this. The typical pattern is separation>protest>despair>detachment. There will need to be huge amounts of repair work at each reunion. I am not confident from your posts that your wife appreciates this.
• This period in your daughter's life is a very sensitive one in terms of attachment. She will not have sufficient language or cognition to understand what is happening.
• Attachment disorders more usually occur in the context of abuse or neglect, so I wouldn't think you would be setting her up for one of these necessarily, but it is hard to imagine her developing along a secure trajectory with this experience. Insecure attachment (which is not the same as disordered attachment) brings with it risks of later behavioural issues & mental health vulnerabilities.
• Nursery care in the context of an ongoing, consistent relationship with the primary caregiver(s) would overwhelmingly be the better option.

So overall, if this can be avoided then don't do it. Read some John Bowlby. Written a while ago now, but he based his theory on observations of infants experiencing long separations (weeks to months). His methods were sound and it forms the basis for our understanding of attachment relationships now.

I sense the possibility that you and your wife may have different views on this. It might be worth exploring why this is (and I would guess your views would be based on your own parenting experiences). HTH

Your wife is probably right at the moment that she and Granny are interchangeable- but only because daughter sees Mummy and knows she is there for some time of the day- she knows who she is and is attached (I hope!!).

If daughter goes away for 3 months with Granny at this age (before memory has developed- it develops around 2 or just before), then she will not know who Mummy is when she comes back, or will certainly be confused.

Nursery care is not great for little ones, but not as bad as separation that is that severe. Also, if daughter is going to nursery at nearer one and a half then 3 months earlier will not make that much difference.

I would vote for either going to nursery earlier if you are happy with the nursery- ie that it gives very high quality care to little ones and a lot of one on one, or consider a nanny or a childminder.

The trouble is that at age 1, there may not seem to be damage (re the separation), but there may well be damage that rears its ugly head in all sorts of ways in time to come. Is it worth the risk?

x-posted - Oh, now I see.

NO WAY would I send my baby a 12 hour plane ride away. Find a friendly child minder, or a good nursery, and see your baby every day.

I would say it would be preferable for the baby to be in a nursery, than to be totally separated from the parents.

Even in other cultures if the baby is brought up by Grandma etc. this is usually an on going care relationship.

The important thing for a small child is an on-going care relationship, this can be with one person or a team of people, but stability is important. There is a lot of academic work on this issue (for example looking at adopted children, children where the mother dies etc.).

However personally I cannot imagine being able to bear being appart from my baby for that long. I have known other mothers who have had to, but they have usually allowed a long period of being "cared for by Grandmother" not a sudden change.

Ok, I get it now.

No, I would not do it. Not to avoid putting your daughter into childcare.

The thing is, bonding aside, for a child of 12 months it is surely easier to adjust to a routine where they are socialising with other kids but have the daily security of the normal family home life than it is to lose contact with their parents and then have to readjust all over again 3 months later. Nursery or a childminder is surely the lesser of two evils, surely, how could anyone think otherwise? How could you wave that plane off? I'm sorry I can't even begin to comprehend this.

If worried about nursery why not look at other option - nanny or childminder which would be more one -to- one care

how horrible, how could you bear to do it..

dd on school trip to states, shes 12.. gone 4 days and feel like heart ripped out.. older dsc left home now but still text them once a day...

why are you a parent in the beginning really.... just dont understand this at all..

Are you and your wife from culturally diffierent backgrounds? in that she thinks the whole extended family thing is normal and you see it as going a step too far?

I think it is very dififuclt because her family may have done this in the past and it will, in lots of ways be seen as normal but as you are the Father I think you definately need to put your views forward as she is yours and your wifes daughter, not the Grannys and she should be with you really.

Have you even been to at nurseries together? Maybe make some appointments with some childminders and nurseries and go along together to take a look. It wont be as bad as your wife thinks!

Jesus, no way should a 1 yr old be seperated from its parents for that long.

Putting the baby's needs aside for a moment, wouldn't it be horribly traumatic for you as parents?

i cannot understand this, my parents live on the other side of the world with lots of other relatives there, but never would i ship my baby over there so i could work or whatever. this is now our home/where our lifestyle is and where our baby would ultimately be brought up.so much development happens at 12 months. many babies go to childminders/nursery and find its actually quite beneficial to the childs development to have contact with other children.

Unless grandmother is going to be the constant carer of the child it sounds like a very bad idea. if you are the parents, you should always be there for your child, you've made a commitment to the child to be there for her so should keep to that unless its completely unavoidable.

What happens if your baby isn't able to adjust there or if something happens? at the very least if you do decide to do this, you should go along and make sure she is settled in and have that peace of mind.

I am fully aware that the plural of anecdote is not data, however...

During his first marriage, my DP was in the army and was deployed overseas for long periods. He had two young daughters and was apart from them a lot when they were very young. He loved them, but never really bonded with them, and vice versa. Now his DDs are late teens/early 20s, and there's very little contact between them. He contacts them periodically and on birthdays and other special occasions, but they don't ever contact him unless they need cash.

Now that we have a young DS, he comments a lot on how being away so much when his DDs were young has negatively affected his whole relationship with them. He says he can't imagine leaving DS, and they are very, very close. He feels quite angry and really upset to have missed out on that bond with his DDs.

I'd avoid long separations if at all possible.

I'm not sure all this over-emotional "how could you even consider such an awful thing?" language is helping the OP .

Clearly a 12 month old would survive perfectly well away from its parents for 3 months, and in a situation where there was no other solution (parents hospitalised, away up a mountain, both deployed in combat, stranded somewhere inaccessible etc) then being with a loving granny would be the best outcome.

OP - I would say that some of your concerns are justified - 3 months is a long time for such a small baby, and in any case, you are also a parent, and your views are valid too. As others have suggested, could you look at a childminder, as an alternative option to nursery care?