Can 12-month-old be away from parents for 3 months?

[chris481]

Daughter has for the first year of her life been looked after by mother, father and granny in the same house. There is a plan for daughter at age 12 months to spend 3 months abroad being looked after by granny, during which time she won't see her parents. She and granny will then return, and granny will leave after a further couple of months.

I've heard that babies being separated from adults they have bonded with can cause problems that last the rest of their lives.

Is parents going missing for 3 months at age 1 a problem?

Crazy plan tbh. Granny is much better than nursery as daycare only, not as parent replacement for 3 months!

dd was in the throes of desperate separation anxiety by that age - no way would I have contemplated this. 12-15 months is a very fast developmental period, you/your dw may not recognise the baby you send away by the time of her return, let alone her you. If you as parents will be the main long term care givers better to establish that sooner rather than later , no matter if you need to use a nursery or cm.

Tgger - "nursery care is not great for little ones" - I disagree. Nurseries can be terrific.

OP, I think you could take heart from the many positive experiences that people with dc of your daughter's age have had with nurseries which you can read about on any number of threads.

I would choose the nursery/childminder option as well. Are childcare fees an issue that's resulting in the granny option?

One parent away - not a big problem IMO.

Both parents away - not good.

I appreciate Granny is going to be the primary carer here but given that 9-15 months is the classic 'emotional attachment' phase then I don't think I'd want to jeopardise that stage of development with my child.

My DH was away for months at a time for DD1s first 18 months of life, but she always had me as her stability. They now have a close and loving bond and have not suffered at all from his absences, but I sure as hell wouldn't want her to have been separated from both of us for that time.

Bramshott
You are right, but at the same time I find the OP to be very unemotional and cool in his posts.

There may be cultural differences but if you are not happy with this plan, then I do think that the sooner you talk it over with your partner, the better.

OP, you sound very dispassionate about this. I understand that you're thinking about your daughter's welfare, but what about yours? How will you feel about not seeing your little daughter for three months? If nursery is such an issue for you (and again, how do you feel about nursery?) can you negotiate flexible hours or take some time off while your partner goes back to work?

I mean, come on. You're the parent here. Stop worrying about the research and start thinking about what you want in this situation. Do you want your daughter to be sent away yes/no? If no, what can you do to help the situation so that your wife is comfortable? Man up and start being a parent, frankly.

I think I'm coming to the conclusion that this plan needs to be stopped. Just need to work out the best way to achieve that. Many of the comments here may be helpful in persuading her - if anyone has any more, keep them coming.

'needs to be stopped'.,

actually, i think you being a bit more involved in your daughter's life might be the solution.

as a carer, not as a dictator.

do you spend time alone with your daughter, op? as a full time carer?

on the weekends, when you're not working?

solely responsible for her care?

letting your wife and her mother disappear out for a couple of days whilst you have time with your child? fully responsible for her?

or are you really as absent as you sound on here? because if your sole current realtionship with your daughter involves involves you dictating which other adults look after her on a monthly basis, i don't think it's going to make the blindest bit of difference if you personally don't see her for 3,4,5,6 however many months.

you are her father.

time to act like it, and not like a dictator because of snippet of an interview about orphanages you once heard on the radio.

ffs.

Sorry, if your wife think sending your (note that word - your, not granny's) baby away for a few months so you can both WORK (life-saving surgery maybe, but work?!), and you think they have bonded fine you need to think again. They have clearly not bonded.

Has having granny around pretty much pernanently undermined your wife's confidence in her ability to be a mother? Does she feel granny's the primary attachment figure now and she is just second best?

And why three months? Why not four, or five or six?

And you've had your MIL living with you for the best part of a year, while you had a new baby to adjust to ..... Three in the marriage....?

how can you not even have discussed this with your wife?

sheesh.

what hours do you both work?

Im left wandering what the point of having children is if you're not going to be responisble for them. I have 2 dcs (one of which with serious health problems), going back to work next month because I have to. But that doesn't mean that I would send my dcs away. We make sacrifices when we become parents for the LOVE of our children. I am responsible for getting them to childminder, breakfast club, school, nursery and picking them up from the same. And you know what, if I CAN'T do it then I change my lifestyle to suit my family. I have to go back to work for them but what would be the point if I didn't see them? For me i'd rather scrimp and save on benefits, loose the house and start from the begginning than be away from either of my dcs, for some people there aren't (illness, deployment, military maybe even prison??) and if it can't be helped then ofcourse granny would be a perfect substitute.
If the child will be harmed long term by the three months apart probably not but I can't help but question the parental bond if your wife sees no problem in sending her away. I've spent weeks at a time in hospital with youngest dd meaning eldest had to stay with grandparents. I felt GUILTY every single minute of every day because I am his parent. He needed me. And though he was older than 12 months it affected him at the time.
It sounds to me if you are both able to be away from your child for something like work (so basically for money) then your dc is better off living with granny fulltime if she can give the love and attention you can't.
Sorry for rant but we nearly lost our youngest dd to illness just recently and I can't believe anyone who truly loves their baby would make such a decision of they didn't have to. I enjoy everysingle minute even if they are becoming few and far between.
I'm no academic (as you can see by the type os) but I know what its like to be a parent.
Perhaps you should show your wife the thread and follow your hearts rather than research.
Rant over

I think it is a cultural difference, I've done some family research of my own, and it seems like in the past (like with my parents cousins), it was the norm for the grandmother to look after children while parents went away to work for long periods of time. (but you have to remember this was back when times in these countries were tough (and some areas are still like this), like farmers etc so parents had to work to survive or dad's had to go abroad to work and send money home and the mother had to farm animals/veg etc). So it may be that in some families (where these traditions and thoughts are still around) that this is normal as it had to be done. It doesn't in any way mean the mother loves the child any less.

nonetheless, personally i still wouldn't leave my child, but i have been brought up in a 'western' way where this isn't seen. So i'm guessing this is much more sensitive than the way i approached it.

I know a couple of adults who were left with grandparents for several years before coming here as older children. They definitley have lasting issues as a result.
A work contact took her toddler to a s American country to spend 3m with a (known and loved) granny - chaos ond hellfire ensued - the child let her displeasure be known, bith when left with granny and then again when back with parents.

I think swapping main carer twice in a year puts a lot of emotional stress on a small child. Of course she would be 'ok', but it doesn't sound a great plan if other arrangements are possible.

When my DS was small DP and I both had the option to work one day a week from home, so DS only spent 3 days a week in nursery. Then we found a nanny who had a child the same age so she charged a lot less than the full going rate. Do some creative thinking!

Good luck, chris481!

Good luck chris481!

I am not judging you, unlike some (!), but perhaps some of the reactions show you how misguided your wife is on this. I hope you can find some attachment theory research to steer her towards a U turn on rather a bonkers plan!

And to a previous poster, there are plently of experts around who show that nursery care for under 3s and certainly under 2s isn't perhaps the best option. They are much better off with a 1 to 1 carer. However, if the nursery is of exceptional quality with good 1 to 1 relationships (attachments!) then younger children can and do thrive.

By the way my 2 year old goes to nursery and is thriving there so I'm not completely against them and the sort of "damage" done at nursery would be nothing compared with the sort of damage done leaving Mum and Dad for 3 months!

and what do you do if granny decides she doesn't want to come back?
The emotional impact on the child aside, I would be deeply concerned about sending a child off to a foreign country to be brought up in a culture where the matriarc (ie granny in this instance) seems to hold so much sway over where the child is brought up. It would concern me that perhaps she might decide not to bring her back, and that you would be powerless.

Blimey, Wannabe, up the ante, why don't you!

Totally agree with titchy. And with Tgger on the nursery v 1:1 care issue. Given that you have the choice, it sounds as though you're making the best decision for the baby. I still don't understand why you and your dw have been considering this, though. If it's to enable you both to work, a better option to meet everyone's needs would be for you both to work p/t or hire a nanny, or both.

You'd then need to arrange how the nanny fits in around the granny, but the one thing you really should avoid, for your DD's sake, is chopping and changing the carers according to granny's visiting schedule. Once you've settled her with a permanent carer you should try and keep things as consistent as possible for her.

FWIW I think you're being factual in order to get the facts across without revealing too much personal info or betraying your wife. I don't think that means you're dispassionate at all - quite the opposite. You're deeply concerned, which is why you've consulted us about the situation.

Hope things work out well.

No I wouldn't do it.

Also would baby be going on a plane that she has never done before, for 12 hours and then to a home she doesn't even know?

That in itself is going to be bad enough let alone not seeing Mum & Dad for 3 months

Another thing has convinced me that your dw does have bonding issues: how cut up is she about not seeing your daughter for 3 months? From what you've said she seems pretty matter-of-fact about it because your DD will be with granny. If that's the case, there's definitely a bonding problem.

How do you feel about not seeing your daughter for 3 months?

I personally couldn't countenance the idea, and I can speak for dh and say that he would feel the same, unless there was an overwhelming reason for it. Keeping a baby out of nursery for an extra 3 months wouldn't be that reason to me.

It's alright to take your feelings into account btw. Even if your dd would be fine and dandy if it would give you considerable distress to be apart from her for that length of time then that's enough reason to say no.

I know everyone is different, but if it doesn't give you and your dw considerable distress to countenance it, well, I don't think that's typical.

This thread is the most bizarre I have ever read. What kind of parents would send their baby to another country for three months without them purely to avoid sending her to nursery? And perhaps I'm reading it wrongly but have you never looked after this child without granny there to supervise? oh, except for 2 months... I'm sorry to be harsh but really, you have a child, time to step out into the big world on your own and deal with it on your own. Help from family is great. Family doing the job for you is not so great.

The really cruel part, imo, will be that the baby will be separated from granny, come home to parents she doesn't know and, at the same time, will be sent to nursery. That sounds like way too much stress to put on a little child.

OP, there is not much difference between a 12 month old and a 15 month old. If your wife cannot face nursery at 12 months, she will be unlikely to at 15 months and maybe she needs to reassess whether she wants to work.

I don't know what kind of conversation you are going to have but I think you would be entitled to flat out refuse. No way would I let anyone take my baby away for three months and my husband would feel the same. But I do think that you need to make sure you are contributing to the care of your child (I'm not making any assumptions about whether you have or not).

HI OP, I hope you get a chance to sit down with your wife and granny and discuss the situation - sounds incredibly tricky.
I spent a lot of time growing up with my grandparents and they were almost as important/more important than my parents in some ways. I know that in some cultures grandparents are the sole carers and actually I can see no problems with this at all. The concern I would have is that your baby is going to be so far away and that the sudden disappearance of you and your wife is going to be hugely disruptive and potentially damaging. I'm sure your daughter would be fine and safe but it really could impact on your lives and relationships for years.
I think the best possible solution would be if granny can come and stay with you for her 6 month visa period and can be the sole carer during the day when you and your wife are at work. This would be invaluable and would prolong the time before your daughter had to start nursery. If that isn't an option then I would definitely say that nursery care is far and above the better option than sending your daughter overseas. My DS started nursery at 8 months and I was absolutely devastated BUT after just a few weeks he was really loving it and is now thriving. He may have been a little too young but honestly I think he is fine and it has done NO damage to our bond and relationship. Disappearing from your daughters life for three months may have such serious repercussions, not worth it in my opinion.
Please talk to your wife! Good Luck!