Can 12-month-old be away from parents for 3 months?

[chris481]

Daughter has for the first year of her life been looked after by mother, father and granny in the same house. There is a plan for daughter at age 12 months to spend 3 months abroad being looked after by granny, during which time she won't see her parents. She and granny will then return, and granny will leave after a further couple of months.

I've heard that babies being separated from adults they have bonded with can cause problems that last the rest of their lives.

Is parents going missing for 3 months at age 1 a problem?

Can I throw a spanner in the works and be very blunt?

What kind of mother could be parted from her year old baby for 3 months!??

I'm actually welling up just contemplating it.

my friend left her twins to go to bosnia when she was 8 weeks post partum. (and her 18mo old)

she's a gp.

she was only away for 2 months i think. nine years later they are all still very happy.

what kind of mother? a loving caring one, actually. made sensible arrangements for nurture and support in her absence.

it was either that or go for 8 mos when they were older.

:(

Reading this makes me very sad as it reminds me of what my younger sister went through.

She was the 4th girl and there was pressure on mum to have a boy. Mum couldn't cope with 4 young kids and called her sis from abroad. My aunt spent a lot of time with my sis (I am guessing my mum felt unable to cope at the time). Sis was sent to live with my aunt (I think she was 1.5 yrs old) when she returned to her country. I can't remember for how long (18 months perhaps) but when she came back to us, she had behavioural problems, lacked discipline, turned out she was developmentally delayed in her education. She is now 26 and feels the effects to this day - she never felt like she belonged, has always felt alone, like she doesn't fit in with the world. I cry for her to this day - she is suffering from severe depression and her life never really took off in the way her siblings did. I don't know how much of her problems stem from being sent away but I am convinced she was damaged by the experience. She received lots of love and attention from my aunt but it was no substitute for being away from her mother.

I think a lot of the responses on this thread are written from a very British perspective of family where the mum, dad and kids are the central unit and everyone else plays a very peripheral role. In cultures where the extended family if more embraced this sort of scenario is quite common. The grannies/aunts etc often take small children for some time and it's not disruptive or damaging because they are so central to the childrens' lives. And when the child gets older and looks back they don't see the time away as rejection because it's so culturally acceptable.

The problem with this case is it does not sound like the extended family will continue to be the norm so the child will lose the bond with the woman who has been her primary carer for sometime (the granny). It's the imminent departure of granny that would most worry me in the OP's position.

Artichokes, I think there may well be cultural differences here and certainly in many cultures a loving, extended family pay a much larger role in bringing up children. However, I don't get any feeling of great parental love and support here. Rather I am horrified by the distance which the OP seems to be maintaining from the whole family. He continually talks about the situation in the third person, referring to "baby", "daughter", "wife" etc. Chris481 surely you mean MY wife, OUR daughter, HER grandmother. Are you some kind of dispassionate outsider in all this?

Hey annh!

Just because you express yourself dispassionately doesn't mean that you are not passionate! (just defending Chris481 in his abscence). It's a style, and how can you judge people you know nothing (relatively) about.

To the OP - this seems like a really difficult issue - all the best to you in resolving it. I sent both my first two DCs to nursery at 6m - it worked out fine, and they were happy and settled, and are now confident, happy children. DC3 will start nursery at 12m. I'm telling you this to reassure you that nursery care can be great, and isn't damaging to children.

I know you said there are cultural issues here - and from my background I can't imagine letting my baby go to the other side of the world for 3m without me. Heck, I couldn't even do that with my 5yo! I think you need to persuade your family and yourself that you can have excellent nursery care, so that you don't need to split up your young family, and not see your baby for so long. Those months are so precious, and so crucial, not just in terms of walking, talking etc, but for the baby developing a sense of self, and realising that they are an individual, and beginning to understand the role of others around them. I can't imagine anything more unsettling than losing two of the people that the baby loves most and then having them suddenly reappear, only to lose the other person that has been in their life all along.

I do hope you can sort this out so that your family can stay together :)

I would second the idea that you both explore the idea of a childminder or nanny. You would get the one to one, continuous care, that seems important to you, you wouldn't uproot your DD, and you would still see her.

My two DCs have been at our childminders since they were 8 months, a total of over 3 years now. The childminder is more like a favourite aunt, and they receive excellent care, whilst also being part of a wider family. It's the best of all worlds in my mind.

Thats horrible why would you want your child of 12 months to go away for 3 months and not see them?i couldn,t do this no way no matter what the circumstance

Over my dead body.

It doesn't sound like a good idea!! why would you want to be away from your child for that long? I think when you sign up to being a parent you need to accept a life long responsibility to looking after your child, not let your parents do the job for you x