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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is Co-Sleeping rare?

87 replies

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2011 22:44

My DS is almost 11 weeks old and, apart from the first 9 days when he was in hospital still, he has always slept in bed with me. I left hospital with leaflets on how to co-sleep safely but also feeling that it was mostly not recommended; the health visitor told me it was an un-safe thing to do. Still, I prefer it that way, I am breastfeeding and my son sleeps from 11pm to 6am most nights.

I always thought co-sleeping was something a lot of people did, certainly seems so from what I read on mumsnet, but out of my NCT group (7 of us) I am the only one who is co-sleeping and some of the women have their babies in cots in a separate room already.

I am trying not to let it bother me,I know it shouldn't matter - each to their own etc, but some times I wonder if I am going to be setting myself up for sleep disaster in the future and if I'm actually doing a really unusual not to mention frowned upon thing?

Am I just a lentil weaver who should accept that most people are doing it differently and I am the odd one?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TheSecondComing · 04/03/2011 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShowOfHands · 04/03/2011 22:48

I think it's more common than you'd think.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2011 22:51

so is it possible the other people in my groupp are fibbing a bit?

it is less stressful I am guessing, my son is quite chilled out and rarely bawls so I figure I must be doing ok or he's just naturally chilled and I am very lucky.

OP posts:

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2011 22:52

I think I am being a bit PFB

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 04/03/2011 22:55

I think a lot of people do it to an extent - lots of people I know have the baby in their own cot/room, but bring them into bed after the first night feed or in the early morning. Maybe full time co-sleeping with no cot is less common though.

Mumbybumby · 04/03/2011 23:04

I think it's more common than people let on. I found that it wasn't really the 'norm' when I had DD but when you delved deeper most parents who said they didn't agree with it let their child sleep with them for various periods (even those who had them in a cot in their own room).
DS is 3 weeks old and he has a bedside cot but still manages to end up in bed with me and as my mum is staying with us this week I have the two of them in with me now as she is in DD's room.
My midwife gave me all the gumf about not sharing a bed and when I said I would be and did until DD was 21-22 months she said she'd actually done it with her own two but that professionally she is not allowed to recommend it!
It makes perfect sense to me as we both get better sleep this way - DS already only wakes up twice - he slept for 6 hours last night qnd hen another 4 and I felt fab this morning!
Just do what suits you and don't worry what anyone else thinks:)

aPixieMomma · 04/03/2011 23:22

I slept with ds2 full time at the beginning, around 12 weeks he started going in his own bed for naps and now at 5 1/2 months goes in his bed for naps and the first part of the evening until he wakes up for his first feed of the night when he comes in with me.

He doesn't actually have a proper cot yet, we just pulled out ds1's travel cot and bought a proper mattress for it. He seems comfortable enough for the minute so I'm not rushing to buy one.

I go to a baby group once a week and most of the people there co-sleep/have co-slept. One has just got her 2 1/2 yr old in her own room. First night the little girl went to bed without a problem and has been fine since.

I think quite a lot of people probably do co-sleep at some point but rarely admit to doing it.

aPixieMomma · 04/03/2011 23:23

I co-slept with ds2 full time that was supposed to say.

neolara · 04/03/2011 23:23

I think it's pretty common and more common with people's second / third / fourth than with their first.

ScroobiousPip · 04/03/2011 23:25

I agree a lot of people do - but maybe for only part of the night so they don't see it as 'co-sleeping'. When DS was younger (he is 2 now and still sleeps with me) and I talked about co-sleeping, I was amazed at how many other mums would listen and then say things like 'of but of course if he wakes in the night we take him into out bed' or 'if he's unwell, he sleeps with us', etc.

But sadly there is still the remnants of a stigma about it in the UK, despite it being the norm in most of the world and despite there being no greater risk of SIDS provided it is done properly (and the question of whether it actually may protect against SIDs is still open I believe).

Do what you think is right for you and your baby. Be wary of HVs and others who have too strong an opinion - it's often based on prejudice not fact.

Magicjamas · 04/03/2011 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nailak · 04/03/2011 23:32

i think it is normal to co sleep, and only those who are neurotic about following health proffessionals advice dont cosleep...

justhalfwaythere · 04/03/2011 23:36

DC1 - believed all the guff about not letting baby in bed etc and spent hours beside a cot determined not to lift a crying baby/toddler. Utterly regret this now.

DC2,3 and 4 took them in whenever they cried and when they went into their own beds they would find their way back into mine. However this was also an easy option as I was permanently knackered as worked evenings and got to bed at 1.00am each night. Two of them stopped at about two but one of them stopped at 6 years.

DC5 (13 months old) - cot beside bed and when she cries I lift her in beside us.

Life is too short to listen to crying babies and how gorgeous it is to cuddle into your baby??

My first three are now teenagers - the oldest is a 'deep' person who rarely confides whereas the others are very open and I often wonder if the 'lack' of night time closeness and cuddles is a factor.

LittlebearH · 04/03/2011 23:37

Loved it, best feeling ever. It is good for both of you. Enjoy!

hellymelly · 04/03/2011 23:43

Pretty common I think.I'm still sleeping with both dds (3 and 6 now) and I know quite a few others,but people don't always talk about it as it can get a critical response.No idea why as half the world co-sleeps.Enjoy it,it is a lovely part of motherhood.
Oh and the d.j. Jo Whiley has a massive bed so that all four of her children can get in too,they range from toddler to late teens I think,and they have their own beds too,but just like cuddling up as a family (aaah).

Willabywallaby · 04/03/2011 23:45

I'm interested in this because my brother has a 4MO who essentially co-sleeps, he is worried this will always be where she sleeps, what advice can I give him to help him and his wife over the next few months help her sleep in her own cot?

kissingfrogs · 04/03/2011 23:46

My dds (5.6 and nearly 7) have the option of their own beds or mine. Inevitably we all sleep together in my kingsize bed, it's where we're safest and happiest - with eachother. I love it.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 04/03/2011 23:53

thanks for all the encouragement.

Willabywallaby, does his wife share his concerns? I think it's probably something he needs to discuss with her alone and without other people's involvement.

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fifi25 · 04/03/2011 23:57

all 3 of mine slept with me as babies then went in own beds, they still sneak in. Ive got 2 in at the mo warming the bed up

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 00:09

They move on when they and you are ready. You won't have a 21 year old sharing your bed :) You DO hear tales of parents with 8 year olds who they can't shift from their beds, but are these the same parents who co-slept with them as babies? If you ask I don't think that often they are. There is a theory that if they have their "fill" of co-sleeping when they are tiny and need it, they won't need it and crave it so much when they are older.

I'm usually a bad advocate for it in that I tell people it's fine and they can always move their baby out at 6 months or a year or whenever they want to, but I still have DS in with me at 2.5. I do really want my bed back though and think he would sleep better on his own now as well. Up until now I've been happy to have him with me - I could probably have moved him at just before a year with no trouble at all, as that was when he voluntarily started sleeping away from me in the bed (and now we wake each other up and he steals all the covers ) but I didn't because I split up with his dad around this time and I wanted to keep him feeling secure with the move and the split. And then I just liked having him there. I liked listening to him breathe and being able to check on him without moving and having middle of the night cuddles and being right there for him if he was ill or had a nightmare. But there seems to be this taboo about admitting that you like it, like you "want to keep them a baby" (eh? They ARE babies!) or it's "perverted" ( WTF??)

And then I also decided to keep him with me until he was old enough to go into a bed. I just did not see the logic at all in feeding him to sleep and then somehow having to lower him into a cot, just to take him out, feed him to sleep, and resettle him if he happened to wake up.

Most mammals sleep with their young. Humans slept with their babies/children until about the last 100 years. They still do in certain countries e.g. Japan.

I must say though I don't bother to mention it to most people. They just disapprove or don't seem to understand anyway and then tie themselves up in knots over it. I think it's a shame it's so frowned upon though. It makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE in my opinion.

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 00:10

Also, you should read Three In a Bed by Deborah Jackson. :) Lovely lovely lovely book.

Original poster

DuelingFanjo · 05/03/2011 00:13

I remember seeing 'three in a bed' when I was a teenager and loving the cover. Trouble is my DH is currently in the spare room (snoring and because of work) and I would eventually like him back, with or without the baby.

I think I will try to move DS before he is a year, maybe even before 6 months. I have vague ideas about putting him into the cot, still in our room, but right up against the bed.

OP posts:

BertieBotts · 05/03/2011 00:17

Can you convert the cot to be 3-sided? Usually if you can remove one side this is easy to do, all you have to do is drill extra holes to raise the mattress base. Then push the cot mattress over to cover the gap and stuff the far side with rolled up towels or non-fluffy blankets.

I found a 3-sided cot to be fantastic as DS had his own space, but I could still keep him close if I wanted and (the idea was) it would aid the transition later - evidently I changed my mind on this, but I think it would have helped :)

YesPleaseDrChristian · 05/03/2011 00:19

I didn't co-sleep and know no one who did or does. Most friends had a cot in the room then moved the cot to the nursery.

It must be quite rare I guess if you are the only one out of your NCT group doing it.

I wanted to share my bed with my husband and slept better knowing I was not lying on or overheating my baby. I needed my sleep and this was the best way for both of us. I also didn't want to encourage the feeding-to-sleep association.

It works for a lot of people though.

Lavitabellissima · 05/03/2011 00:30

I didn't set out to co sleep, but by 7am I usually have one of the girls (occasionally both) in bed with me asleep on me, I love how warm and cuddly they are
They are 4 months today and have been on their own room this week, earlier than I wanted, but they couldn't both fit in the one cot anymore, and I couldn't get two cots in the room . They have been sleeping so much better though!
You need to do what makes you happy, all this rod for the back stuff is rubbish. Having a happy baby & feeling confident in your decisions is what's important

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