Is Co-Sleeping rare?

[DuelingFanjo]

My DS is almost 11 weeks old and, apart from the first 9 days when he was in hospital still, he has always slept in bed with me. I left hospital with leaflets on how to co-sleep safely but also feeling that it was mostly not recommended; the health visitor told me it was an un-safe thing to do. Still, I prefer it that way, I am breastfeeding and my son sleeps from 11pm to 6am most nights.

I always thought co-sleeping was something a lot of people did, certainly seems so from what I read on mumsnet, but out of my NCT group (7 of us) I am the only one who is co-sleeping and some of the women have their babies in cots in a separate room already.

I am trying not to let it bother me,I know it shouldn't matter - each to their own etc, but some times I wonder if I am going to be setting myself up for sleep disaster in the future and if I'm actually doing a really unusual not to mention frowned upon thing?

Am I just a lentil weaver who should accept that most people are doing it differently and I am the odd one?

I wanted to co-sleep but Dh wont let me, I only mentioned last night to him about letting dd stay in bed with us and he said no.

I didn't intend too co-sleep but after 2 weeks of waking up countless times through the night and then trying to settle DD in her moses basket I brought her into bed with me and she stayed there till she was about 7 months. She comes into bed all the time too and is 5.

I had a v similar experience to other mums on this thread - with ds1 I was so determined to do things 'the right way' that I spent ages next to the cot trying to settle a crying baby/toddler. It was actually dp who brought ds1 into bed with us and from that point on it was so much easier. Ds2 came along and changed loads of my previously strongly-held opinions on breastfeeding and parenting in general. He had reflux and woke so frequently during the night it would have been extremely difficult if he hadn't been right next to me in bed. With ds3 there was no question of him going into his own cot until dp started making noises about wanting to share the bed with me again. Ds3 then moved into a cotbed in our room, and later into the same bed in his brothers' room.

I feel guilty about the way I treated ds1 but all of them know by now that they are welcome in our bed whenever they want. Ds1 is 8 and sleeps really well in his own bed but occasionally comes into ours if he is ill or just for a cuddle in the morning. Ds2 is 6 and nearly always starts off in his own bed, but comes into ours at some point in the night fairly frequently. Ds3 is 2 and is similar to ds2. It does mean 'musical beds' sometimes, if dp or I want to get a better night sleep (especially as ds2 fidgets a lot) but it's worked far better than loads of disturbed nights sitting by the side of a cot or bed determined to make the poor children go to sleep 'on their own'.

However I probably am not included in any statistics as I have had as little to do with any health visitors as possible (since ds1). And certainly in England it is seen as being quite unconventional especially if you don't have the excuse of coming from a different culture! I definitely remember other parents in the NCT group being very sniffy about another mum who freely admitted to co-sleeping with her 3 kids and had recently bought a larger mattress to accommodate everyone. By the time ds2 was about 1yr old I had become that mum!

Three in a bed is a great book. it also includes guidelines for safe co-sleeping. Dp and I don't smoke at all and hardly ever drink so I've never felt guilty about the statistics because they include people sleeping next to their kids on a sofa, and people who drink or smoke or are on drugs. If they removed those factors I'm sure the case against co-sleeping would be much weakened.

I'm sure in years gone by, co-sleeping would have been more the norm than it is now - a good friend of mine in her 70s told me that she co-slept with both her babies, some 50 years ago. Poor family, only had 2 rooms to live in, there wasn't much choice for her. But she said it was amazing how both she and her DH would end up on the extreme opposite edges of the bed, while the DC was spreadeagled in the middle

I think more people do it than let on because we have it drummed into us how dangerous it is, which is actually utter nonsense. I think the way people do it and how often probably varies. For the first 8 weeks i did it all night every night. Since then i do it when my DS has a particularly unsettled night and needs a bit of closeness and comfort because he's ill or teething. Lots of people bring their LOs into bed for part of the night or early in the morning. Some will bring them into bed to breastfeed, will fall asleep with their LOs suckling and then put them back in their cot when they wake up again. I personally think new mothers should not be made to feel bad for doing it - after all, it saves many people's sanity - and should instead be told how to do it safely.

DD2 is 5 weeks on Tuesday and we are co-sleeping as I don't think either of us would get a wink of sleep if I didn't - she's not happy in her moses basket and we've yet to get any sort of daytime nap routine going. She feeds to sleep and I've thankfully mastered the art of feeding lying down which means a chance to catch up on much needed rest while she feeds. DD is in the middle of the bed and I switch from one side of the bed to the other depending on which boob she requires. DH is in the spare room as he's quite a heavy sleeper but I'd like to be able to share a bed with him again in the not too distant future! My HV made a point of telling me that co-sleeping is no longer recommended (according to her) and not just if you are very tired, are a smoker or have been drinking as was the advice in the past.

I understand why people co-sleep and as far as I am concerned people can choose whatever feels right for them and their children. However, I have noticed that the overwhelming majority of the "my baby is 12 months old and still feeds every hour", "my child is 2 and still wakes up 3 times a night" are from parents who co-sleep. I am sure that some of these people co-sleep because their babies' sleep was a problem from the beginning, but it also seems like co-sleeping is the best way to ensure that your child doesn't get uninterrupted sleep.

This is all IME.

Sleeping with your baby in bed with you for part of the night or whole night is v common, especially between 6 and 18 months say.

Having no cot and sleeping with your baby in bed the whole night with you is not as common, but not unheard of.

Actually calling it co-sleeping in RL pretty much never happens.

On mumsnet it seems people label things more and are either in one camp or other, in RL this doesn't happen so much.

I wanted to co-sleep but DD hated it. She's now 8 months and still hates to lie down beside us!

In some ways I'm pleased that there's never been a 'rod for my own back' issue, but I'd love to have experienced that snuggly newborn sleeping thing that I read about on MN. I've not heard anyone on MN say their baby didn't like it.

We've had babies sleeping in with us at various times, more for survival reasons than anything else! With our first we fretted for the first year about letting him sleep with us, but then gave in as we got more sleep if he came into our bed. He used to start the night in a cot in his own room and then come into our bed when he woke in the night. He was still bf in the night up until around 18m. Then he gradually came in later and later, until just before his 2nd birthday DH and I woke up one morning without a little body between us and that was that... DS was lovely and snuggly to sleep with.

With DD we decided to go with the flow much more, which meant that she slept in our bed quite a lot, and her cot was in our room until about 12m, rammed up against our bed so it also acted as a bedguard for our bed. She is now 2.3yrs and has been mostly sleeping in her bed for the last couple of months, I would cautiously say that I've managed to drop the night time bf. She is NOT such a nice bed companion as she is a wriggler and specialises in kicking me in the kidneys if I try and roll over.

I don't see it as 'keeping her a baby' as I think under 3yrs they are still so young and need lots of security (some more than others). DD has no problem separating from me when she goes to her childminder so I think she's prob alright...

DuelingFanjo I just want to say congrulations. I have seen many of your threads during your pregnancy.

I haven't read the whole thread but I can definitely agree with recommendations of 'Three in the Bed' - it is excellent and made me feel a million times better about our co-sleeping (Which I love btw). I also think (and this is pure conjecture) that most people co-sleep with their children at some point in their lives. If not when babies, they do when their toddlers/small children. Do what ever works for you n

I have a question...just out of curiosity...how do you get round to making dc2,3,4 etc if you're co-sleeping with the others??

Easy- there are plenty of other rooms in the house and plenty more hours in the day, you just have to get creative.

Spare room. :) Or the sofa.

On a different note, it's interesting how different LOs are. I'm lucky that DS has been through the wriggly stage (when in his cot) but never did it in bed, and even at 14 m.o. he never kicks or wriggles, although he does sometimes move away from me a bit without me noticing.

I'd recommend 'Three in a Bed' as well. Reading it was when I stopped worrying about getting DS back in his cot and got on with enjoying the cuddles. :)

crip, I do think a lot of co-sleepers do it because they have frequent wakers. Lots of babies sleep okay at the start but then get worse. My DS slept really well in his moses basket in the first month, but sleep went downhill till we started co-sleeping at 4 months.

What advice to move to a cot?

All three DC's have fully co slept with me from day one, on demand breastfeeding all night if they wanted.

For the older two (DS2 is only just 6 months), one day I decided they were ready for their own rooms - DS around 7 months, DD around 8 months. I literally picked them up one night and put them in their room and they slept (all night!) from then on in.

Perhaps I am very very lucky there. My reasoning is though that they had nothing to fear. They knew I was there for them. Sleeping was a good thing. They felt secure and happy. They never had any experience of crying and no one coming .

It is extremely rare for me to get up in the night with either of them - they do however like to get up at 6 am

Anmum granparents I did get the occassional night off?? although i do think no 2 was conceived while no 1 was in bed, luckily i was on the bathroom floor, hope this helps

I didn't with either of my DS's, but then they were both in cots in their own rooms from 4 days old, child abuser that I am

of course DS1 co sleeps with us loads now that he is 5, just didn't when they were babies...........

Common as muck!! Don't let people make you feel weird about it in RL, if they have. It's whatever works for you.
I do it because I am a lazy cow, who would greatly struggle moving to an upright position in the night: that and the fact that all my DCs have taken to the sleeping GPS of nose being one millimetre from my nipple.

on any given night 20% of parents are sleeping with at least one child below the age of 1. A lot of people lie fudge the truth about their sleeping habits.

Do what ever suits you and don't feel bad about it.

Night time parenting by Dr Sears was my Bible on baby care...

I think at the end of the day you just have to do what feels right for you, and your family, and accept that others might do things differently. But OP you are not 'the odd one' by any stretch - and just because no-one in your NCT group is currently co-sleeping, doesn't mean that this will continue to be the case!

I suspect that theresapotatoundermysink has hit the nail on the head. It's probably very, very common for people to cosleep from time to time with their baby/toddler/child (the 'starts the night in own cot but comes into bed with me if they wake up' type scenario) and perhaps rather less common for people to go the whole hog of 'we don't have a cot and we share the family bed' approach.

I have coslept from time to time with both DCs, but wouldn't describe myself as a "cosleeper" simply because it was very sporadic (i.e. when couldn't settle them any other way) and never became a regular way of life for us. They've always had their own beds, and generally sleep in them very well, but equally they have always been welcome in our bed on nights when they've needed it. And they ALWAYS start each and every day by coming into our bed in the morning for milk and cuddles and a story.

I can't imagine starting the day without DS1 crawling into bed with us (he's nearly 7) and will probably cry the day he decides not to bother . I also love getting up and bringing the toddler into bed with us, there is something gorgeous about snuggling him in between us whilst he drinks his morning milk. But with that said, though, I am also quite grateful for the fact that we usually have the bed to ourselves until at least 7am! A morning snuggle works well for us - feels like we get the best of both worlds.

I think most people find a compromise that they are happy with and works for them, and at the end of the day, if everyone in the family's happy, what does it matter who sleeps where? It's only a problem if it is causing a specific problem for an individual in a particular family....

All I know is DD1 was a terrible sleeper compared with the other three who slept with me or in the cot at the side of the bed. The other three were sleeping 7-8 hours through the night by 4-5 months I know which I prefer!

MrsMiyagi - DS1 never snuggled up to me or wanted to be cuddled or rocked to sleep which I found very strange and a bit sad after three that did - I feel your pain! He preferred being put back in his cot after feeding in order to settle. Likes to fall asleep on my knee now he's four though!

I still sleep with DS - nearly 4 - can't see it changing soon. Another one is on its way shortly and will be in our bed too x

In the world as a whole co-sleeping is a lot more common than having children in separate beds, not to mention rooms.

Just do what feels right for you - in the end what other people choose to do with their children has no bearing on that at all.