Is it normal to dislike my 3-year old son?

[smashers]

This might sound harsh but right now it's how I feel. I know I probably won't feel like this tomorrow or next week, and I didn't feel like it yesterday, but today I really didn't like my son. From the moment he got up to the moment he went to bed, he has bullied me, shouted at me, hit me, stabbed me with cutlery, sticks -anything he could lay his hands on, in fact. Upon reducing me to tears, he laughed at me. He's made me shout so hard, I'm hoarse. I can hardly move my head as I write this becuase of the tension in my neck. I feel ten years older. I feel like a terrible mother. I feel guilty for counting down the minutes until he goes to pre-school and for that sinking feeling when it's time to pick him up. I feel ashamed for sometimes not being able to be the bigger person and instead sinking to his level. I wish I could have a reasonable conversation with him, I wish I didn't have to repeat every request twenty times, I wish he didn't make me yell at him in public. I wish he would just stop for one second and LISTEN TO ME. I wish he could sometimes just show that he loves me and appreciates my existence. Is it too much to ask? Am I wrong to dislike my son? Does anybody else ever feel the same? Sorry - just a really bad day.

Alice, it really does pass. My fist was a lot like this, he'd get really cross about little things just like you say (trousers too loose, hat not on right, shoes not done up tight enough) - VERY WEARING. He is much much better now, hes nearly six so he can go and adjust these things himself if he needs to. I had to man handle him a lot too, negotiating didnt work and seemed to feed the behaviour even more. I gave one chance then put in buggy/put coat on him/put shoes on or whatever, with minimum chat and eye contact.

He is very reasonable now, and actually hes really helpful with telling his brother how to do things/ helping him to get ready to leave the house, so dont worry, it wont always be like this

it really is! My ds used to become deraanged at the wind too, and if it was too sunny and we forgot to take sunglasses He LOVES the wind now though and just does that kid thing of putting his coat up over his head in an attempt to take off....

This is normal sometimes my 3 yr old can get on my nerves all day and it stresses me out so much. Then other days he can be an angel and I seem to forget the days he was a terror. :)

I have three children the youngest a 6 month old girl. I've just had the worst day with my little 2 and a half year old son. He hit me in the face pulled my hair shouted in my face and I dealt calmly , saying things like 'No we don't hit. That makes mummy sad' But inside I was furious! Later we picked up my 5 year old son from school and I took them to a play cafe where my two year old attacked someone's baby, knocking him down and pulling his hair, my son was about to bite the baby as I got to him and pulled him off. I made him say sorry and put him on a chair to calm down while I spoke to him. He hit me in the face and started running around laughing. I had to leave the place where I'd just paid £10 to get in and as I put my two year old in the car he stared lying saying the baby hit him! Well I lost my temper and shouted louder than I have ever done n my life. I drove home with all three kids crying and put the two year old to bed. I am now having a glass of wine and feel like crying. I adore this little boy he can be the most gorgeous kid but today I would have given him away!

I think it's really important to remember how little they are and how normal it is for a 3 year old to act out as they struggle to express themselves well or understand or explain their emotions. They only learnt to walk and talk 2 years ago, they are still very little.

There is a mum at Stay and Play who is always saying what a nightmare her DS is, he is really no better or worse than other 3 year olds but she has got it into her head that he is really naughty. He does something a bit naughty and she raises her eyes and acts like he is really bad, she's been doing for as long as I've know her (about 2 years) and she has in her head labelled her child as difficult.

She expects him to act bad, talks about his negative behaviour in 'coded' speech, (he;s 3 not stupid so pciks up on this) and assumes he is going to be bad before things even happen.

His mum was due twins, as soon as she found out she kept saying 'he's going to be sooo bad when they come' surprise surprise he played up a bit when they came.

what I'm basically saying is try and pick out the positives, they react far more to you than anyone else, and in my experience when mine act up it is mainly down to the way I have responded to them.

thesecondcoming has just cheered me up so much! smile That just says it all.

I feel a lot better about my DS after reading this thread.
I've had a very traumatic experience in softplay today where my three year old pushed down and followed around a younger boy. Unfortunately for him the boy's mother didn't like this at all and had a total go at my DS, reducing him to hysterical tears.
Just posted a thread in Parenting about how to manage my son's pushing. But these threads have made me feel like DS is a normal 3 year old and perhaps isn't ready for an Asbo just yet.

My 3 year old sons mantra -
I love him 100%
I dislike him 97%
I like him 3%
I'm hoping the latter 2 will switch as he gets older!!

Gargula - I totally feel for you re your DS. Mine has had issues with biting for months this year, partly spurred due to my pregnancy etc. The Triple P Programme that I refer to earlier suggests you write up (in a chart!) what triggers each episode of poor behaviour, so you can figure out if there's a particular link, and also have a 'baseline' for how frequent the poor behaviour is. Then you figure out a strategy - generally sticker chart to reward the behaviour you want, time out for the particular behaviour you don't want. TRY always to say what you DO expect and want from their behaviour; as whoknows says, I find I have far worse days when I don't do this and DS expects/feels he is bound to fail and be naughty. So things like 'please close the door quietly' rather than 'don't slam the door again!'. Or in the case of pushing, figure out what was the cause (if possible, its easy to miss at a busy place) and say what you would have liked. Other parents/carers are harder to manage, I can totally see their point of view re frustration/anger at the results of bad behaviour but equally your DS is 3; it would be better if she had spoken to him to tell him what to do/how to behave rather than having a go at him . Boys are just very physical - with my DS his rough play is too rough and he needs to learn the boundaries of what is acceptable; and with pushing that's hard to figure out. It's a rare thing that there's any bad feeling behind pushing, he just thinks it's fun and can't figure out why other children don't like it... At least now it's a lot better than it was, and the biting is pretty much over. I hope!!

I am so pleased to have found this thread. Have had an awful few days with my DS1 (aged 2 and 10 months). Everything in the day has turned into a battle of wills, with a few guilt-inducing "why aren't you looking after me mummy?"s thrown in for good measure when I'm changing/feeding DD2 (3m).

He refuses food I've cooked for him, and spits out half-chewed favourites like cheese from his back up meal when I least expect it. Everything I ask him to do, explaining clearly like putting on shoes he ignores or does the opposite (like run in the opposite direction when I ask him to come back). Every attempt to wear him out ends in him lashing physically out at another child (at the park or soft-play). Every time I make an effort to do one-to-one playing ends in tears and tantrums (never enough time in his view). I find myself becoming increasingly weary of his company and can't wait for DH to come home to give me a break. I positive praise constantly and have clear boundaries (time outs) but nothing seems to make it any easier!

And on top of this I feel so lonely as most of my mum-friends only have kids that are moderately challenging and look on us with a mixture of horror/bemusement! I am so so glad that I've found mums on MN that also feel this way. You just wonder if there is anything else you can do, or whether it's a case of riding it out...

I could have written this so many times when my son was 2 or 3. He is now 4.5 and is so much easier (although his little sister is a bit of a monkey now, but not on the same scale!). He was always the baby who cried, was such a difficult toddler and 3 year old and continually challenged everything, very rarely hugged me, was so, so determined and never did what I asked. I tried so, so hard to be a calm, relaxed, happy mother and always loved him so much but there were times I just dreaded spending the day with him. If it gives you any hope, he suddenly at about 4 turned into a polite, kind, lovely boy. I am so proud of him and I almost forget how hard it was.
I think it is just a case of riding it out Lifeis, but trying really, really hard to keep being consistent, keep telling him you love him and find something like sending him to his room, that you do over and over again when he's mis- behaving, that works for you. Don't give in, but like previous posters have said remember that he is just a little boy, you're doing your best and you are not alone! And it doesn't mean he'll always be like this...

By the way, I don't mean the above to sound like I was always a good, consistent, calm mother all the time- quite the contrary, sometimes I just completely lost it, most of the time I felt stressed out. My main point is that I know how you feel and what hard work it is, but please don't lose hope!

Thanks for that. It's nice to kno we are not alone and that there is light at the end of the tunnel! Roll on DS 4th bday! (only a year and 2 months away!)

Yes, I think that's totally normal. I had it with both of mine around 3. They each drove me nuts.

I started a policy where if the child is presenting me with challenging behavior, I give the child a new, positive challenge - whatever that might be - helping butter some toast, picking up toys, putting on clothes themselves. The distraction of the new and the sense of independence for the child which came with it worked more times than not.

I had this with my elder 2, not at all with dc3. I was definitely more laid back and confident with her, but mainly I think dcs 1 and 2 just have trickier, more intense personalities. dc3 was so easy in comparison (at that age!) that she made me feel like going for dc4 (I didn't). Unless people have a very challenging and demanding child, they just don't understand what it's like. If I had had dc3 first, I would have been such a horrid smug mother thinking "well, you just do this and that and they behave!"

Looking back I can't really remember what they did that was so awful, but I do remember how I sometimes felt. Several hundred parenting books later (and 3 dcs who are already or about to be teens - eek) the 2 books that have helped me most of all are "Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting" and "123 Magic". In different ways they enabled me to stay calm when the dcs were being rotten.

The first book basically emphasises not repeating requests (if your child is used to you saying everything 10 times then they won't do what you ask until the 11th time), not asking them to do something until you have their full attention, then waiting. If they don't do what you ask, you go back and ask if they remember what they are supposed to do. It does work.

123 Magic gave me a strategy for getting them to stop doing something they shouldn't be doing. They get 2 chances (with a 5-second wait between each count, during which they are supposed to shape up) and then a consequence (time-out or whatever). It stopped me shouting because I could count instead, and also prevented me making unreasonable threats that would be hard to follow through on. I still sometimes use that, and never really need to get beyond 1, because they know now. It's almost a family joke - ds once said "why did mum have to buy that book?"

Hope this helps xx

OP, I'm in the midst of a similar phase with my ds aged 3.5. It started about 6months ago and has been at it's worst in the last 3 months (dd was born 5 months ago). I can't add any further tips other than those already posted and of course we haven't come out the other side of it as yet, however I have to keep reminding myself that it must be a phase that will c to an end at some point!

My ds hits, throws and will kick out if flailing around on the floor. His temper can kick in for any reason and can switch from angel child to naughty one at any time. When I get up in the morning I have no idea which version will greet me and if I'll be greeted with cuddles or a whack on the head.

We do time out, etc. All the recommended stuff to keep control.

What I find most difficult is the shame I feel at his behaviour and what I imagine other parents or nursery workers say about him. It's very hard to discuss with other parents who have not walked in these shoes. I know that all parents will say 3 is a difficult age, but for some it's not just challenging, it's horrendous. There is some great support on this thread so use that as a positive, knowing others are in your shoes too. We'll get through it!

I had a shit day, in fact I burst into tears in front of him (wimp).
Thanks for this thread. I wish OP could update us, three years on, it must be so much easier (crosses fingers)

can relate, although do nit have the answers to this. I have 3.7 year old ds who can be delightful, but mostly is fussy, whingy and grumpy (or gets into hysterical giggles saying that I'm tickling him when I try to dress him up, which makes the job around 10 x harder). Very embarrassing, as most other boys his age that we know are a lot more mature and stable (maybe due to being a bit more articulate and even tempered).

1,2,3 magic doesn't work for us. Ds finds it hilarious and makes a break for it when I start counting. It's like I've given him a challenge/time window to run away before I inevitably have to resort to consequences. I tend to just give him "one more chance" to do or stop doing whatever and then follow through with consequences. Sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. Really hard to find suitable punishments/consequences or incentives a lot if the time, without making life a lot harder for myself, as well (tablet/tv ban - not to mention it not being a natural consequence for anything, so maybe connection between action and ban not that easily made, making the ban useless) or breaking the bank (ds only wants expensive stuff and couldn't care less about sticker charts or similar..)

I always remember by mum saying to me: "Of course i love you Matana. I just don't always like you very much."

I have a fanstastic relationship with my mum but often the feeling was mutual! I say the same to my DH now and will no doubt say it to my DS as he gets older. We all have days like this OP, try to focus on the positives.