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Original poster

Friend's behaviour causes concern

105 replies

E11a · 03/11/2010 19:45

Hello,
About half a year ago my husband befriended a couple at antenatal class, and ever since we have been keeping in touch with them as our children are the same age (5 months) and they live locally.

Up until recently we only met in cafes, restaurants and once went to their place, but yesterday my husband insisted that we should reciprocate and invite the other mother with her daughter to ours.
I had my reservations but did invite them. As soon as these people got to my place, the mother decided to swap our childrens' teething rings without even asking me. She simply gave her daughters ring to my son and he started drooling and biting it immediately. She also took his teething rings and gave them to her daughter. During her short stay at our place she never asked for my permission to use any of our toys and got her daughter to drool and bite all of them she could find!
I wonder if anyone experienced anything similar and what's a tactful way to explain the other mother that you disapprove of such behaviour?!
I was so shocked yesterday that I watched her making herself too comfortable with our toys and possessions without saying anything...

OP posts:
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Tgger · 03/11/2010 22:03

Hello,
Well, I don't think you're that strange, just not really adjusted to the real world of motherhood that most of us find in the UK with our babies.
It's not that surprising as your baby is very young, they don't really interact at that age, so I guess if you didn't feel a need to chat to other Mums then why should you.
Most of us over here like to have a group of Mums with babies the same age, to support each other through all those sleepless nights and changes in life-style that come with having a little one. It's not compulsory though!!!

If I were you I would decide how important socialising with other Mums is for you now and will be in the future. It will become important to your child at 18 months if not a bit before and if you're happy not socialising at the moment then don't.

Just it's good to know what to expect if you do. If you want to see the cultural norms for over here I would go to a play-group etc and go with a non-judgemental attitude. Chat and listen to the other Mums.

I would say it's normal for babies to share toys- yes be given them at others' houses, and normal not to sterilise/worry about this. In my group we had one friend who worried about this and we all laughed at her!
Also remember Mums of babies of this age are often sleep deprived and sometimes this makes you a little less concerned with social niceties!!

PaisleyLeaf · 03/11/2010 22:12

The food thing is different.
I have generally found most people (all ages and walks of life, parents and not) to be really sensible about checking about offering food.

1980Sport · 03/11/2010 22:22

I just popped over from the SN forum. After a rather upsetting and stressful neurology apt today with my DS this thread has cheered me up and made me laugh! Thanks - Sorry you're getting such a hard time tho :)

Original poster
E11a · 03/11/2010 23:16

Thank you to the people in this thread who gave friendly and considered advice:)

OP posts:
didgeridoo · 03/11/2010 23:41

Are you going to teach your dc to share, OP? I think you'll find it a problem in the wider world if you don't. I don't expect people I invite round to bring their own toys & I don't take dd's toys to friends houses. We just share. I have never sought my friends permission & no-one has ever sought mine. I think you have unreasonable expectations, tbh.

chipmonkey · 03/11/2010 23:58

E11A, sorry you're getting such a hard time!

On Mumsnet we tend to refer to a syndrome called PFB syndrome ( Precious First Born) and I think you may have a touch of this.Wink

When ds1 was a baby, I cleaned and sterilised everything. I also changed his clothes if they got a tiny bit of dirt on them.

I now have ds4 and was so much more lax about sterilising and hygiene generally. And to be honest, I think the younger children have been healthier than the older ones and suffered fewer tummy bugs.

I do think it might be better if you did mix with some other mums but maybe not the one you invited over as I think she does actually sound a bit pushy.

DinahRod · 04/11/2010 00:01

It's ok E11a, it's not the law to hang out with other mums and I can see from your OP you were rather taken aback by the other parent - you've interpreted it as being overfamiliar, whilst others see it as her being at ease on a play-date. I too wouldn't like them swapping teething rings, it's a bit icky. Unless there are other over-riding objections then these are just minor differences of parenting style, that's all.

ForMashGetSmash · 04/11/2010 00:09

E11a I can tell b yor wording that English is not your 1st language...am I right? Might I ask where you come from?

If you are not British thn maybe this is part of your misunderstanding...

MaMoTTaT · 04/11/2010 00:14

OK - I'll admit I giggled (a lot) with the OP.

But - I agree with some of the other posters, about possible cultural differences, and perhaps finding it a bit hard - especially as the OP says she doesn't know any other mum's apart from this one.

Original poster
E11a · 04/11/2010 00:20

Dinah, you are right - there are no other overriding objections, and I am definitely going to keep seeing the other mother.

OP posts:
ithappenedinourfamilytoo · 04/11/2010 02:32

There is way more bacteria on your children's toys & teething rings than there will be in a baby's mouth, especially one without teeth, and one who had a limited diet!

FunkyCherry · 04/11/2010 03:21

I think people have been a bit mean to the OP. Its not like she posted in AIBU (Yes, BTW!)

E11a - I do think you need to relax a bit.
I agree with another poster that going to a baby group would open your eyes a bit - babies sucking toys that have probably been sucked by 20 others before being stored in a dusty cupboard!!
Check out your local CHILDREN'S CENTRE They're bound to have an 'under 1's club.'
I say this as the mother of a 18wk old PFB

I'd be more pissed off with my DH inviting another woman to my house without me being happy with it - Maybe that's what really got your back up?

YunoYurbubson · 04/11/2010 04:10

The swapping teething rings is a bit weird. Next time I would just say "Actually, lets not swap them over, I think my son might be a bit sniffly and it's best not to share the germs around".

But the toys thing - well, if you can't cope with other children playing with your son's toys you simply cannot invite people over. But I think that would be a shame. If it is genuinely an issue for you, why not have a basket of 'sharing' toys in the living room that are for anyone to play with, and that you don't care strongly about. Keep your son's precious things out of the way. Not sure how this will work as he gets older but you sound invested enough to pull it off :)

RangTang4 · 04/11/2010 04:36

I would be annoyed if any of my friends tried to give my DC another's teething ring.

I know that they pick up all the time but delberately YUK.

My DC are 4 and 6 and no one ever tried it so it is unusual.

Toys though other children love other kids toys more than there own. IF your DC is attached to a particular toy put it upostairs and when they are older say which toys are special and get them to put them in their rooms. The fights that have broken out with my daughter and her 'special' toys.

Its like someone walking into your house and then opening your drawers and putting on your make up with a girls - oh happy days.

grapeandlemon · 04/11/2010 07:09

I also do not think you are strange in any way, Mother hood is strange! and you have to get used to the odd things people do and pick and choose who you want to socialise with. Smile

Constance39 · 04/11/2010 07:19

Jeez, some AWFUL treatment of the OP on this thread - any excuse to find a way to mock, isn't it Angry

E11a, ignore the nasty and immature comments, as you already are doing I think!

I'm sorry you've been treated like this on MN, it happens from time to time, people get a lot out of laughing at someone they perceive to be a 'fair target' but actually you are a real human being with a genuine concern and I think that deserves at least politeness, no matter whether people choose deliberately to misinterpret your question as something hilarious.

I can see why you are worried, what I would suggest is continuing to see this person outside your home - in a park or coffee shop etc - if you feel comfortabe to do so. If you don't, then your baby will be fine not having any 'baby friends' for the time being till someone more on your wavelength comes along.

I never went to mother and baby groups, as I found them hideous and my child is very sociable now.

You really shouldn't feel obliged to keep in regular contact if you don't feel comfortable.

Good luck Smile

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/11/2010 07:40

1980Sport - sorry to hear it didn't go well, email me if you want, am a veteran of upsetting/stressful neurology appointments. Smile

missedith01 · 04/11/2010 07:48

By five months my son was going to five separate baby/toddler groups/creches/toy libraries on and off and nibbling on toys that had probably been nibbled on by hundreds of other babies.

He is still here. Encountering germs is an essential part of building immunity.

I think you need to get out more, and I mean that quite literally and in a friendly spirit! Grin

Orissiah · 04/11/2010 08:47

"I am against swapping the toys at 5 months- am I so unusual?!" Yes, you are unusual. Even at 5 months babies learn from being in the same space as other babies and their parents (even if they do not interact as such they are observant little creatures). In addition, it will be good for your baby's immunity to "share germs" - and if the other baby does not actually have a cold or other virus then all the more reason for you to relax a bit. At 5 months your baby should be robust enough to cope (apologies if she isn't).

Orissiah · 04/11/2010 08:50

Although I admit swapping teething rings is strange and I've never encountered that. Toys, though are fine in my mind.

DinahRod · 04/11/2010 09:45

Thank you E11a, I just don't hear that enough: "Dinah, you are right..." Grin

YunoYurbubson · 04/11/2010 10:36

Plenty of sympathetic, helpful comments too Constance :)

Constance39 · 04/11/2010 10:39

Yes I know.

I'm glad about that. I was talking about the ones that weren't.

Original poster
E11a · 04/11/2010 14:28

Yuno and Constance,
Thank you. I have read the thread and my conclusion is that I probably do need to relax about the issue - this friend will be offended if I say anything, even along the lines "it's not you, it's me and my germs".
I value this particular friendship enough to work on my own perception.

OP posts:
wannabeglam · 04/11/2010 15:07

I think E11a perhaps wouldn't have a problem with crawling babies picking up toys and playing with them. (If you have children round you have to expect toys to be shared, and yes they do get put in the mouth. Anything that can't be washed and you're worried about you put away beforehand. Then wash the 'used' toys after). What it seems to me she didn't like was the other mother taking her child's teething ring and doing the swap for the children. To me that was quite bizarre behaviour of the visiting mother. Would she do the same with dummies?

I too have never been comfortable with my children putting other children's toys in their mouths. To me the toothbrush analogy is a good one. So you're not alone.

Try and revert to meeting her out and about if you don't want to bring it up, otherwise do as Pozzled suggests. If you're embarrassed, laugh it off with 'I know I'm fussy but...'

Also, once your baby is walking do go along to some toddler groups as children love a bit of interaction with other children - and playing with other toys. Less likely to put things in the mouth then too, so you won't be stressed. You'll meet people too.