Is smacking still acceptable?

[asouthwoldmummy]

My SIL still smacks her 3 DC's when they're naughty despite the fact that it's now illegal. I have always said I'd never lay a finger on DS (nothing to do with legalities, I just hate the idea and don't see that it's necessary). I can't say anything, they're her kids and I guess it's up to her to parent them as she sees fit.
I just wanted the MN jury verdict on whether it's still acceptable or if what she's doing is wrong?

I do not call the odd smack violence though. I call yelling at a child until they cry far worse than the odd smack. And the anti smackers usually resort to this because they haven't much left in their armoury.

I think smacking works eventually, I also think telling off works eventually. I don't think smacking works any better than any other form of discipline though and for them most part children are undamaged by it.

I am still quite uncomfortable with it though but don't think it should be made illegal. As I said earlier, childrearing takes time and can't be rushed. Nobody has the perfect solution for solving bad behaviour, unless of course somebody on MN does, in which case please tell me.

kittywise - to me it makes no difference. A child is still a person. They, IMO, do not deserve to be physically hurt in order to make them conform any more than an adult person.

As I said before, this is MY opinion. I don't personally agree with hitting or smacking children. I have never sed it and never intend to use it as a form of discipline, and it does bother me when I see others hit their child.

i know it is legal, but to me that doesn't mean it is morally acceptable.

I would also call shouting at a child int he way you describe as wrong too. Neither that or smacking are necessary IMO.

I disagree with Greensleeves. About the biting episode described as being abuse. I don't think it was abuse.
I have a similare story to tell.
My sil's ds1(now 28) was a biter. He bit her and she talked to him, said no, did this, did thta. went on for probably over a year. Then one day, she was washing up and he bit her on the inner thigh. She was shocked by the pain. she screemed with pain. And she was embarrassed to admit that she just turned round and bit him.
And he never did it agin. And she is a nurse. the most gentile loving parent I know.

Plus, I have smacked. a few times. not proud. but not ashamed either. i was never smacked as a child. ever.
everyone assumes that whilst it is a lack of control on the parents part, which i also think it is, but everyone also assumes that the parent , is so ignorant ans stupid, that they just smack. but that is not the case with me. i had already tried all the other parenting techniques, suggested.

* Time Out ? removing a child from a situation instigating inappropriate behaviour for a set number of minutes. Often an explanation and/or apology are required before a Time Out can end.

* The Naughty Step ? requiring a child to sit on a particular step (or rug, or mat, etc.) while they reflect on their inappropriate behaviour. Again, an explanation and/or apology are often required before the child is allowed off of the Naughty Step.

* Grounding ? prohibiting a child from attending particular social events or from engaging in particular activities. This technique may also incorporate particular tasks or chores which must be carried out instead and are designed to teach children appropriate behaviour.

* Taking Away Privileges ? prohibiting a child from taking advantage of certain privileges (usually those that they have earlier abused with inappropriate behaviour). Privileges are usually restored when a child can prove, through his/her behaviour, that (s)he understands and appreciates them. 

none worked. then i smacked. that didn't work either. so no point doing that.

oh and by the way, re greeny complaining about lougle slinging personal insults. i think greeny started that by saying that lougle was damaged. among other insulting things thta greeny said to lougle.
'damaged' - that is very insulting. i don't think i am very damaged. i come from the most loving family, with a mum who cared and thought about her parenting, more than anyone i know. accusing someone of being damaged is pretty insulting.

But, Oblomov, all those things did work, it all just takes a long, long time and the child to mature a bit.

Sometimes you don't have time, Darcymum: it's not easy or fair to tell your child to accept: "It's okay dear, you just put up with your biting siblig for a few years, eventually he'll mature out of it." (Ditto if child persistently smashes neighbour's flowers the moment you turn your back or snitch stuff every time you take them into a shop, etc.). That's why parents who don't particularly want to smack get desperate enough to try it.

Nice measured post, Oblomov :).

Ragged you're post implies that I am anti discipline and I'm not at all, actually I think I'm quite strict.

'Sometimes you don't have time' well you can't make them grow up any quicker.

I think some of the 'pro smacking' posts on here come across suggesting that it is natural for children to bite, hit, ignore their parents etc. That discipline is about keeping them from doing this. I think it is natural for people (including children) to get angry sometimes and the point of discipline is to teach them how to manage that in a way that doesn't distress others. Given that, modelling good behaviour is key. Not easy, but the only real way forward.

'I think some of the 'pro smacking' posts on here come across suggesting that it is natural for children to bite, hit, ignore their parents etc.'

I think it is isn't it?

I have had this talk with other parents, and in my house the children have never seen hitting etc. Not in real life or on TV and yet still they do it, I have come to the conclusion that human beings are innately violent and that we just have to be trained out of it.

Sorry, my post was not well worded. Hitting and biting are part of a natural response to anger, but they are not the only natural response to anger. And they are not independent or isolated behaviours to be constrained but part of a response. My point is that you have to teach them to manage their anger, not teach them not to hit. (especially not by hitting them)

I was smacked. Seeing someone smacking a child now gives me the same physically sick feeling that I used to get when I knew I was about to be smacked.

I am ashamed to say I have shouted before. I am disgusted with myself for losing it enough to do that but it has never, ever crossed my mind to hit my child.

There are only two things I judge on re differing parenting styles and this is one of them.

i also try not to shout. i don't think its good parenting either. but i do do it. but i try not to. i won't be shouted at. and dh REFUSES to be shouted at by anyone. so i don't see why i should subject ds's to it.
i still do. but i really try not to.

whats your other big no-no, then Gibbon ?

Controlled Crying Oblomov - that and smacking are the only things I can say make me feel sad and I am honest and vocal about not agreeing with (as you will see from any threads re smacking and CC I have posted on)

I was smacked as a child (occasionally, in extreme situations, and it was a smack not a beating).

Looking back, obviously I would rather not have been smacked. However I know that I would have far rather been smacked than left out ("Time out"), put on the naughty step or sent to my room. Those would have upset me hugely and far more than a quick smack. Yet those are seen as much more "acceptable" forms of discipline according to today's views.

I suppose what I'm saying is that while of course smacking is to be avoided where possible, we shouldn't be too convinced that other forms of discipline are better. For some children these may be far more upsetting than a smack.

I was smacked as a child - both uncontrolled by my mother and hand out to be smacked by my father

I have a strong ego and am confident, succesful and content - I have 7 siblings who were all raised in the same way and are all equally confident and content

We all have children - 2 have chosen not to smack - 1 of these is in my opinion verbal / emotionally abusive - I don't think those who smack do so frequently or as a constant form of discipline but all the children appear well adjusted and ego intact within their own personality types

I have no idea where the difference lies between us and those who are strongly opposed

i smacked ds1, 3 or so times when he was about 4/4.5. so not todderhood. all other discipline techniques had failed me. parenting classes did too becasue they all agreed that i had always implemented all the rules that they suggest.
have taken proffessional advice and also school senco lady (no problems at school, but asked for her help) said that no one but a child pyschologist could help me.

we have an appointment in a weeks time.

smacking didn't help. but so far i have found nothing that has.