Is smacking still acceptable?

[asouthwoldmummy]

My SIL still smacks her 3 DC's when they're naughty despite the fact that it's now illegal. I have always said I'd never lay a finger on DS (nothing to do with legalities, I just hate the idea and don't see that it's necessary). I can't say anything, they're her kids and I guess it's up to her to parent them as she sees fit.
I just wanted the MN jury verdict on whether it's still acceptable or if what she's doing is wrong?

I don't think it is insulting to anyone to opine that hitting children - any hitting - is wrong

I was both beaten and smacked, and yes you are right they are very diffierent

they are damaging, humiliating and destructive of self-worth in different ways

it comes up frequently, this idea that condemning smacking is an insult to those who are beaten

is it an insult to rape victims that flashing/indecent assault are illegal?

Comepletely illogical. And it shows a total insensitivity to the feelings of children who are smacked in a cold-blooded, planned way. Those feelings can be really terrible. We owe physical and emotional protection to ALL children, not just those who are at risk of death or serious injury.

"I was both beaten and smacked, and yes you are right they are very diffierent

they are damaging, humiliating and destructive of self-worth in different ways"

In your experience, greensleeves. I was smacked as a child, both with an open hand and a wooden spoon. My self-worth is intact, and I didn't (and don't) feel damaged or humiliated.

I knew I was pushing the boundaries, but obviously I felt that whatever I was doing at the time, that I KNEW was unacceptable, was worth getting a smack for. Let's face it, if I got a smack for the same thing twice, it can't have been that bad, because I wouldn't have done it again!

I don't tend to use smacking with my children (I find counting to 3 effective at the moment, and have found that if they want to do something enough, a smack will be no deterrent anyway), but I don't disagree with it in principle.

Greensleeves, it is an interesting point of view. I just don't necessarily subscribe to the idea that the odd smack is psychologically damaging. I think that we are stronger than that, emotionally speaking. Perhaps though it is the 'cold blooded' smacking that confuses me (a bizarre term if I have ever heard it). In my experience, a smack was an immediate response to an issue - as opposed to a summons later in the day. Is all planned punishment cold blooded? Who can say?

Regardless - where I am, it is way past my bedtime. Ladies, I leave you to it.

I would propose that you are damaged Lougle. You think hitting children is no big deal. That's pretty warped, but sadly not uncommon.

I agree totally with Greensleeves. And I would like to thank her for speaking eloquently and with courage on a difficult subject.

thanks Pea x

Hmm. I was smacked now and then as a child, and I have an excellent relationship with my parents, and I don't feel damaged by it. I don;t think my parents smacking me was a big deal, but I would think that me hitting my own children would be a big deal. I wince when I see people smacking, but I wince mroe when I hear them yelling or swearing. And I do yell sometimes myself. I suspect yelling is to me as smacking was to my parents, and that is why I don't feel outraged by it. Does that make sense?

I wanted to say thanks for your posts as well Greensleeves, it's a tricky subject for me and what you've said on this thread has made a lot of sense.

I was smacked as a child (not beaten) and I feel it has damaged me psychologically. My brother seems to have come out unscathed. It's not a risk worth taking IMO.

Greensleeves, I don't agree that I am damaged. I don't agree that I think hitting children is no big deal. I think that smacking a child who you are the parent of, with an open hand, is a perfectly acceptable form of discipline.

You clearly are damaged by your upbringing, as your posts show, and you explicitly say. I would suspect that your experiences of childhood are somewhat different from mine, and I am confident that smacking was not damaging to me either as a child or later as an adult reflecting on that.

This is clearly a very tricky subject. I have never smacked my children, and don't ever intend to, but I wouldn't say that every parent who smacks is a bad parent, I have seen it done out of the best intentions, in a controlled way and with apparently positive results. However I personaly think the line is a very fine one and therefore should be avoided where possible. Firm and clear discipline is very important, and there are many effective alternatives to smacking, but I often hear parents 'disciplining' their children verbaly in ways that I think could be harmful and verge on abusive, but for some reason seem to be totaly acceptable?

Smacking is hitting of course. It's not necessarily beating, but it is hitting.

My neighbour is a teacher and his take on it is that no you shouldn't ever smack children but you'd have to be a bloody saint not to ever ever do it.
That seems a normal take on it, I never believe all the posters that claim they've never lost it with their child.
And sometimes words can be worse than a smack.

Wow what an interesting thread. Dont smack my kids but sometimes they drive me KERRRAZY and would be interested to know what other methods of discpline you use as DS1 is almost 4 and DS2 is almost 2 and D? 3 is sue in Feb!

I dont think the odd smack is particularly harmful to a child, asumming it is ONLY a smack, but when done regularly they probably know they will get a smack but do the naughty thing anyway, thinking they may as well do it as then will only get a little slap on the wrist!? So whats the point anyway. Dont ever remember being smacked myself and each of my sisters have said they were only ever smacked ONCE each. That was enough apparently to make them do as they were told (thats how its told anyway)

Hillee - I love the rugby coach discpline! I will remember that one!

LeninGrad - depends though Lenin, have you ever been screaming and kicking so you don't have your seatbelt on or thrown a guitar at your sister ?
Those are the two occasions mine have been smacked. You cannot judge children by adult standards.

I have nothing to add really. For my opinion, see Greeny.

I do find it quite shocking when people justify it as 'only a smack'. It's not as bad as x y or z. Yes it's only causing physical pain to your own child by striking them with your hand. It's only hurting a person smaller than you. It's only raising your hand to somebody you wish to set an example for.

I'd have more respect for your decision to smack if you admitted what it was without justifying it.

And quite apart from any moral issue, it doesn't work in terms of teaching a child anything other than how to avoid their parent inflicting pain upon them.

You can't judge children in the same way as you judge adults, of course not. You afford them more leeway. They haven't yet learnt how to manage their emotions and behaviour. It's our job to teach them how to manage themselves. I'm not sure how smacking fits into that at all.

No mine learnt not to kick people and not to throw stuff, it never happened again. It's interesting that the two naughtiest children I know have never ever been smacked no matter what they've done and one of them has broken their mothers nose lashing out in temper and they both regularly hit other children so I don't buy the smacking teaches them to hit theory either.

I'm not sure how smacking fits into that at all.

Well partly because for some children an immediate mild physically aversive stimulus is the best way for them to learn to avoid a particular behaviour becuase they don't have the skills to internalise other methods.

To put in a voice for the other side, so to speak, I was smacked occassionally as a small child and also experiences psychological punishments when I was older.

Smacking was brief, followed up by a cuddle and was effective. Being shouted at and sent away in disgrace was degrading, hurtful and lingering and something I'd never want to inflict on a child of mine.

And as an adult I've never struck someone else in anger, ever. It's just not in me. I do give the silent treatment though and that's something I feel I have to be careful about.

Different people ride the line in different ways and it is possible to smack and be a good parent.

Actually I don't think you would get a prosecution if I slapped your bum the way I've smacked the DC's because for a start it would be impossible to prove without a mark and secondly it wouldn't be seen as serious enough to be counted as assault.
Anything that would fall into that category is already rightly seen as criminal behavior.