controlled crying...don't we all do it in the end?

[mamacherry]

Who does it? Is it ok? Will it cause lasting damage? Don't all parents inevitably do it in the end at some point or other, whether they admit it or not? Considering it with my 4 months old dd2 as she started sleeping though the night 8pm to 6am at 8 weeks but is now waking regularly and I am sure she doesn't need milk - she's massive!

Never done it, and my 3 and a half yo DS has slept through the night since he was about seven months.

I used to feed/rock him to sleep.

If he wakes, I cuddle him.

Children are all different, aren't they? Obviously what works for one will not work for another.

But saying 'everyone must' to make yourself feel better about your own decision is daft imo.

I expect if my 7mo had woken every hour all night I'd have considered CC too.

I tried it with my first child and it didn't work, just made all of us (and our neighbours) miserable.

Now he's 4 years and I have a 6 month old. If the 4 year old started crying in the night "I'm scared, something hurts, I feel sick, I'm lonely, I'm thirsty, I'm too hot" etc, I wouldn't just ignore him or shout "SO WHAT?" so I am probably not going to do controlled crying with the youngest one either.

Just re-read OP. you might need to give your DD an earlier bedtime - so 12 hours before she wakes up in the morning. One reason for frequent waking is being overtired. If your DD is relaxed and well rested then easier for them to self settle.

DS was a tremendously needy baby, he woke frequently and was very difficult to settle. I nearly lost the plot but I don't buy that "happy mummy, happy baby" stuff and so we just plodded on being patient and doing what worked. He's by no means a great sleeper now, at 3, but he's shown huge improvement without us doing anything more than give what he needed. I would have found it physically impossible to listen to him crying alone at 4 months.

I think a lot of people do it a different way. Had a friend who did "little control, lot of crying" - her life, her choice.
We did CC, going to check on DD every 3 minutes when she cried, reassuring her without picking her up. I couldn't carry it through myself, so my DH did it. Took only 3 nights. She was 6 mo though. Never left full blown crying unanswered, only winging.

But that's us, it worked for our family.

Do what fits yours, don't pay too much attention to what I say, or what others say, there always be someone telling otherwise for right or wrong reason.

People who've never done it: did they eventually sleep through?

My 8, nearly 9 month old baby still wakes a lot during the night. Has slept through 4 times since 8 weeks. I never minded too much but this week he has taken to wanting to wake up and play. We are not playing!!! Even still, just cuddling and shushing and all of that, he is still awake for a good hour to hour and a half when he wakes.

I don't mind giving him what he wants - apart from play. Don't think that's a good idea in the middle of the night..

I don't really want to do cc - ever - but I do have deep, dark worries that he will be waking at 3 and 4...

Ive never lef teither of mine for any longer than it takes for me to run into them, i have no problem with other who use it, and they probably get more sleep than me, my 3yr old DS has just started sleeping throuhg, my nearly 2yr old DD has been better but not great. They cried because they needed me and i saw it as my job to respond, and it makes me very happy that i did, every time, without fail. that wont suit everyone i know, and i missed my sleep as much as the next person. Extreme tiredness means somethings got to give, i didnt want it to be the way i delt with my babies needing me, so i let my apperance and the housework go a little (a lot )

You have to do what you feel best in the end. Whatever that is

I let my spelling go too

My 3yr old sleeps brilliantly. I have always responded to her. She doesn't 'sleep through' as in she does wake up sometimes. But she gets up, has a wee, gets a toy, puts herself back to bed. She doesn't require nightime parenting unless ill or having a nightmare.

Yes, they eventually sleep through and I totally disagree that it 'causes no harm'. It CAN cause harm.

It is probably a huge variable. But ignoring someone's only means of communication is cruel, and that's why it feels like hell to do it.

Babies cry for company, comfort, not just hunger, and it is our job to respond to those needs as best we can.

CC is a huge compromise imo...perhaps some feel it is neessary but it is never desirable.

It doesn't teach a child not to have needs, it teaches them to give up asking because they won't be met.

Sorry to those who have used it relatively harmlessly - these are just my feelings and I disclaim by stating I am a poor mother in many other respects.

I've never done it - I'm lucky that both DC are good sleepers but still, DD had a phase of waking up a lot more around 4 months, although like yours she had slept through before. I just got up several times per night and fed her, she was ravenous so I assume it was a growth spurt, and I'd hate to think of her crying in hunger and being left.

When DS was a baby and didn't settle to sleep easily, we did a lot of "pick up, put down" method where you go in every couple of minutes, pick up, cuddle and soothe and then put down - without feeding (unless they need it). the idea is that you help them learn to settle themselves but without them being abandoned. It worked well.

The only time I leave DD to cry is around teatime when she's awake, very tired and nearly ready for bed but I have to get the tea and keep DS entertained etc and I can't hold her all the time, so I have to sit her in the bouncy chair and she often cries. I hate it but I can't see a way round it. But at least she can see me and I talk to her etc.

No, never done it.

I personally wouldn't do CC (just not how I roll baby) but if you do decide to do it, wait a little while, 4mo is far too young and classic growth spurt time. (as I'm sure other posters have said)

DS was a dreadful sleeper, we left him to cry out of desperation on maybe 2 occasions but never really did CC as such. Now, aged 3, although he doesn't consistently sleep through, he can and does, most of the time, and when he wakes he can tell us what is wrong, and if there's nothing really wrong we can tell him, firmly, to go back to bed, or at worst, get into my bed and SLEEP. So even if they don't sleep through when they're older it's easier because they are older iyswim.

DD is 11 mo and I wouldn't dream of leaving her to cry, she's too little. However we have started to settle her while putting her down awake by telling her it's sleep time, chatting to her and holding her hand. Her cries are only grumpy tired cries (when they get worse we comfort or feed her - DS never had those, his were full on screams) and she now settles to sleep without feeding. But not on her own, with her hand held.

I've never done it,mine are 5 and 3 and the 3 year old has only just started sleeping through most nights,but cc-no.

I've not done it and my DS (10 months) is down to one night feed. It's been three steps forward and one back. I've had to make sure he gets decent naps every day - even if that means not doing things sometimes - as that has a massive effect. I also put him to bed early if I think he needs it (tonight he was in bed for half 5!). He's very active - crawling and just started walking - so I suspect he'll need the night feed for a bit longer as he won't sit still enough for solids!

Btw mine are 7 and 3 and both excellent sleepers. I think being responded to quickly and consistently when they cried (or before they got to crying stage) has helped with that.

Nope

Couldn't do it. I had friends that made it work for them but not us. Mine have always been bad at going to bed so maybe we should have.

BUt what do you do if they really can't settle themselves?

At 4 months old I don't think you necessarily can expect them to settle themselves. Some do and that's great (and I am deeply envious ), but for those who can't you have to keep on experimenting until you find something that works. I would try feeding, rocking, shushing, singing, patting, co-sleeping... actually, at 4 months I'd bring her downstairs, or if it was the middle of the night I'd pull her in to bed with me.

My 3yr 6mth old sleeps like a log from 7.30 to 7ish, with a 1.5 hour nap. Rarely if ever wakes in the night, can be carried from car to bed.

But at 4 months awake every 2-3 hours wanting milk. At six months he had two night feeds and woke quite frequently. He began to sleep through at 8 months without CC.

I can only speak from my experience but I would say that plenty of children who's parents didnt do CC are great sleepers.

inabigpickle - yes. DS was an AWFUL sleeper. DIdn't sleep through until 16mo, and then was only til 5am.

He's 2.7 now, goes to bed at 7:30 and he's out like a light, wakes between 6:30-7am.

happyhappy.

The easiest thing for me has been co sleeping. They both responded to it by settling really quickly, being fed to sleep, thereafter being moved out of bed if necessary but usually it wasn't..

and coming back when/if they woke.

It is far easier once they start school as they are knackered.

We did it with DD1. When she was tired she cried.........and cried whether I was holding her or not. We worked out that she would settle herself more quickly if put down in her cot than with me cuddling/rocking.

Haven't needed to do it with DD2 (yet.......)

Flight - I know I said 'no more comment' but I can't keep away from this thread!

My DS is 9 and is an excellent sleeper - I think because I did strict CC at a very young age. I have never had a problem with him going to bed, he sleeps through the night, happy to go on sleepovers, cub camp etc.

How do you know CC can cause harm - how do you measure it? I am genuinely interested, not picking an argument, I fully appreciate I am certainly in the minority on this thread and probably the whole of Mumsnet. Thanks in advance.