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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

embarrasing problem - changed my name

46 replies

pretendingnottobeme · 23/08/2005 09:08

Don't know why I've decided to change my name but I have and if someone recognises me, and I think someone will please don't say anything!

Dh and I have found our teenage son wearing his elder sister's underwear. He has stolen it and had it in bed with him on several occasions but a few nights ago we were going to bed and looked in on him. As it was a hot night he had puished the covers back in his sleep and there he was wearing nothing but her thong!

Dh very gently woke him up, and said "come on, get changed, she'll kill you if she sees you" At this point ds tried to deny it!!!!!

But a few moments later a thong was thrown into our washing basket.

Last night dh went in while he was asleep and under his pillow was 11 pairs of knickers and three bra's. We know that we have to talk to him, but how embarrasing is this going to be?

OP posts:

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hercules · 23/08/2005 09:11

No experience of this but you seemed to have handled it well up to now. You do need to talk to him at some point and/or perhaps arrange for him to talk to an outsider.

eefs · 23/08/2005 09:14

I think you've handled it very well so far. The important thing is to keep the lines of communication open with him. If he senses any sort of critisism/judgement he might shut off from you. There are more reasons than one for what you saw as well, so don't jump to any conclusions until you can have a long talk with him.

basketcase · 23/08/2005 09:21

If you feel embarrassed, imagine how he is going to feel as a teenager dealing with his parents over this?
I would try to avoid dealing with it with both of you at once and make sure that no one else can overhear/walk in - esp sister.
Whoever feels most comfortable and closer at the moment with him.
So he likes girls underwear at the moment - a bit unconventional but not the end of the world. It doesn?t mean that mch in my opinion and would suggest you try to avoid jumping to conclusions and possible labels - he might not have much idea why he does it either. Recommend you don?t ask him why or when or for how long etc. because ultimately teenagers do need some privacy. I would keep it as casual and relaxed as possible - and short. Don?t give the idea that you are dissapointed/worried/confused/upset etc - admit you are a little surprised if you want but avoid any obvious derogatory/negative thoughts.I would just say something like - look I just want to let you know that we were as uncomfortable about the other night as you probably were and are sorry if walking in on you caught you by surprise, we were not trying to snoop on you. However, it is not fair on your sister to go round taking her underwear so I would like you to pop all her underwear that is in your room into the washbasket before she finds out. If you want to have any of your own underwear like this, then perhaps you aught to buy your own but suggest you find somewhere secure to put it if you don?t want to deal with your friends/sister etc commenting.." He needs to know that you can still be mum and dad to him and that you can deal with this and still talk to him - please don?t leave this to fester unsaid. Head on honesty, no explanation required, plenty of parental non judgemental support (as he may well not have one to give - and if he did, should he have to tell you?)

Good luck - will not be easy but worth dealing with as I am sure you want to go on having a positive relationship with him and no skeletons in the cupboard.

basketcase · 23/08/2005 09:22

agree with the others - sounds like you both handled it really well and am sure you will be fine xx

Lizzylou · 23/08/2005 09:23

I agree with Hercules and Eeef, you have handled this really well so far...all you can do is make sure he knows that you are open and available to him should he need to talk...
I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom had been with each other since they were 14...in the Best man's speech he told us of an incident when the groom was 14 and chased up the road by the brides father who had just caught him wearing the bride's knickers when no-one was home!!! I think it could be something that a lot of teenage boys "try out"...our underwear is far nicer than mens!

Hausfrau · 23/08/2005 09:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

handlemecarefully · 23/08/2005 09:26

Has his sister not missed 11 pairs of knickers and 3 pairs of bras?

(I've only got about 5 bras in total)

Original poster

pretendingnottobeme · 23/08/2005 09:27

She was rumaging inthe clean washing this morning looking for some!

OP posts:

handlemecarefully · 23/08/2005 09:31

What 'messages' do you feel you need to get across in discussing it with him?

Is your intention just to provide the opportunity for him to offload?

ABow · 23/08/2005 09:34

Agree that you've handled it well up to now. But do you really need to talk to him? He knows you know. Talking won't achieve much other than really embarrass him and you. If you keep the lines of communication open, he'll talk about it if and when he's ready.

I kinda think - it seems awful now, but its really not that bad. It might be a passing phase, and if its not - well so what. I wear my dh's boxer shorts sometimes and nobody would bat an eye lid at that.

handlemecarefully · 23/08/2005 09:35

Yes I'd be tempted to let it lie too.

Original poster

pretendingnottobeme · 23/08/2005 09:39

but he needs to stop taking his siters underwear!!

and I'm sure that at his age he will be using it for (ahem) purposes! so it isn't really fair on her, how would you like it?!

And if she finds out by accident as we did she will absolutley kill him.

OP posts:

fisil · 23/08/2005 09:39

I agree with what's been said here. You've handled it so well so far that I've no doubt you'll continue to do so. If I was in your position I think I would do what people said and keep the channels of communication open, but without forcing him into saying anything if/until he wants to. However, one thing that I would try to do right now (although I know I would find it incredibly painful) is try to work out what my reaction is, and why, and why I'm so embarrassed by it. To him it is clearly something natural that he wants to do, but he knows it is something other people won't understand. As a parent I think I would find it hard to understand, but I'd want to be clear in my mind why it is that it is difficult and embarrassing to me. I think that would help me to help him when the time comes, iyswim.

fisil · 23/08/2005 09:41

ah - so you're just being pratcical about the logistics of it! Why not say you need to go underwear shopping and ask if he wants to come with? And somehow make it clear that you'll pretend to be buying stuff that he can keep?

Original poster

pretendingnottobeme · 23/08/2005 09:47

Buy him some girls underwwear?

I am thinking about your longer post - it was a very good and insightful one.

OP posts:

fisil · 23/08/2005 09:51

well yes, only take him shopping if you are perfectly OK with him wearing girls underwear. I don't know who you are, but you sound such a sorted person. Personally I don't think I'd be able to follow my own advice without a lot of soul searching (and then possibly never!)

SoupDragon · 23/08/2005 09:58

If you don't feel you could take him shopping, you could just buy some in your DD's size and leave it in his room with a note/give it to him in the bag sying that he is not to take his sister's underweara gain?

Like fisil, I'm not sure I could do this if it weremy son...

moondog · 23/08/2005 09:59

Soory to sound facetious,but wouldn't the fact that the lad's mum had bought him the undies take the secret thrill out of the whole thing???

fisil · 23/08/2005 10:02

I don't think that's facetious moondog, I think it's a perfectly good point. We don't understand his motivation, and I think a really important thing to do is to try and understand his motivation. You may be right - the theft may be a part of it. This is such a tricky one.

Thank goodness he has a mum like pntbm (whoever you are)!

handlemecarefully · 23/08/2005 10:03

It's almost like he wants to be found out (stashing 11 knickers under your pillow - when your mum regularly changes the bed linen?)

SoupDragon · 23/08/2005 10:04

I agree, moondog, but PNTM is right - he can't keep using his sister's underwear like this.

EnidfromtheVILLAGE · 23/08/2005 10:06

can you say, look, I don't know why you are doing this, but its your business. But you have to stop stealing your sister's underwear because it is not fair on her.

I presume he has an allowance, then he can buy his own.

I would be seriously traumatised if I had found out that my brother used to nick my underwear and w* over it.

Fair enough, if he wants to do it, but he cant keep taking her stuff, its not fair.

anorak · 23/08/2005 10:10

I think it highly possible that the stealing is part of the thrill. Can you not speak to your GP for advice? If that's too embarrassing there must be some agency you can phone that will give some advice and information about the way people who have this compulsion think?

Original poster

pretendingnottobeme · 23/08/2005 10:11

ok I have been thinking and I think that the reasons I am uncomfortable with it are as follows.

It's not 'normal' behaviour, if anyone found out about it he would be teased/bullied. If his sister found out about it she would as I have said beforekill him and she would also not let it lie. If it continues into adulthood, what about future partners?

Was talking with dh last night about the possibility of him being gay, adn I don't think he is adn I don't think that it would bother me greatly, if it does come to that I don't know how I will react but hope that I can go down the 'what ever makes you happy' route.

I don't think that any of us are comfortable with our children's (or our parent's!) sexuality. And he is a 'developed' boy, and to experiment with things that are outside recognised behaviour, recognised behaviour in teenage boys being porn mags, makes me feel uncomfortable

OP posts:

basketcase · 23/08/2005 10:11

Talk/don?t talk to him - either way it has the potential for embarrassment and awkwardness. I guess it depends on what the individuals are like and whether not talking would create an uncomfortable air in the home that others would pick up on or talking could go wrong and make everyone feel even worse.

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with the thought of you buying him girls underwear and leaving it in his room with a little note - sounds like the kind of tactic that the red head from desperate housewives would do - well meaning but would make him cringe. Whilst there are potentially quite a few motivational reasons for him wearing female underwear, I imagine most teenage boys experimenting would not think "oh, how great, my mum is supporting me and has even gone to get me some of my own" and carry on as before - I imagine they are more likely to feel happy for the support and well meaning but feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed at the thought that their mum has gone out and deliberately bought this for him in broad daylight...just too weird

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