embarrasing problem - changed my name

[pretendingnottobeme]

Don't know why I've decided to change my name but I have and if someone recognises me, and I think someone will please don't say anything!

Dh and I have found our teenage son wearing his elder sister's underwear. He has stolen it and had it in bed with him on several occasions but a few nights ago we were going to bed and looked in on him. As it was a hot night he had puished the covers back in his sleep and there he was wearing nothing but her thong!

Dh very gently woke him up, and said "come on, get changed, she'll kill you if she sees you" At this point ds tried to deny it!!!!!

But a few moments later a thong was thrown into our washing basket.

Last night dh went in while he was asleep and under his pillow was 11 pairs of knickers and three bra's. We know that we have to talk to him, but how embarrasing is this going to be?

[fisil]

well done. I wish every teenager I have taught had a mum like you!

[milosmum]

i think the way you are dealing with it it really wonderful . even though the chat was one sided at least you reiterated the fact that you loved him!
hugs to both of you!

[Mum2girls]

I find this a really heart-warming thread. Some fantastic advice to an issue that I suspect is not all that uncommon. And to echo everyone else, what great parents you and dh are lilibet.

[Carmenere]

Lillibet, I know you changed your name because of the taboo nature of your original post but you should be proud of being an incredibly loving and sensitive mum.

[Tortington]

buy him a copy of zoo or nuts magazine. it is embarrasing with teenagers - my lad feels closer to me than his dad talking about these things (15yrs) i would get im a magazine and then with a wink and a smile when he comes in say " i have got you a prezzie under your pillow...now don't ever mention this conversation again or i will self distruct"

you handled it very well.

[lilibet]

and have given myself away


heigh ho!!

[lilibet]

Well, we had a chat in the dark after he had gone to bed.

When I say we had a chat it was a bit one sided!!

I just really stressed that fact the it wasn't nice to steal his sisters undies, and if she saw him as we did the other night all hell would break loose. I asked him why he was doing it and got a muffled "dunno" I said that I could understand him being curious as some of her knickers are pretty amazing, some of them seem to be no more than two bits of fluff tied together with a bit of ribbon!

I more or less left it at that, with a hug and told him I loved him. Didn't want to push him to talk about anything that he didn't wnat to talk about and I think that both of us would be mortified if I offered to buy him his very own bits of fluff!!

I thne went under his pillow and pulled out a variety of stuff from his sisters room and said that I would return this lot!

Thanks for all your help

Peachy, I think your Fil sounds a character, glad everything seems to have sorted itself out for him, and don't worry I don't even know where Illchester is!

[girrafey]

hi, was just wondering if u spoke to him last night and if it went ok.

you seem to be dealing wioth it so well.

[PeachyClair]

can't believe I typed where he was from. what's said on m'net stays here... please!!

[PeachyClair]

Well, FIL is an individual to be sure! He's known in Ilminster as pants because he was (he changed a lot when his marriage finally ended- I think the whole issue was stress related) happy to go out walking the dog in transparent shorts, and got his entire carnival club kicked off their base by wearing fishnet knickers in front of the elderly lady site owner. He just didn't care! He was even happy for DH to see him washing his car in the garage in ladies clothing.

I don't think he was being particularly deliberately sexually deviant though, he's never come across as anything like that in any other way, it seems he just has a TOO defined 'accept me as I am' belief. I would like to emphasize though that I DO think it was majorly OT and he should have kept it private, first time I met him he got up from table and the old jumper had nothing but a thong and a pair of spindly legs beneath!

The strange thing is though, that whilst it might be different for a teenage boy growing up in hormone hell, everyone pretty much accepted FIL. He's still well liked, and even my kids have been known to refer to him as 'Grandad Pants'.

I really think the stress issue is a factor though. He had been trying to get away from MIL (who has OCD's, eating disorders, very controlling personality) for 16 years before he finally managed to get away in January, and I know they hadn't had any physical contact for 12 years either. Now he is happily engaged, things appear to be changing.

Can I just say as well, that although yes he can be embarassing at times (to put it mildly), and he did cause a lot of problems when he left MIL, I love FIL very dearly as a family member and that's because he has a supportive, accepting and caring nature, which has NOTHING to do with his dress taste!

[milosmum]

meant to say- dealt with it WELL so far- sorry [oops]

[milosmum]

ive just read your post and just wanted to say you ve dealt with it so far.... im really not sure i could have been been that clear headed!...

i think of myself as a very broadminded individual but dont think i could go as far a buying my son ladies underwear- although i think after chatting to him about it, it may be the right thing to do.

i do think you have to bear in mind that just because he seems to enjoy this, it a) doesnt mean hes gay and b)he may really just stop doing it.

[Spoo]

Not to say that I have any experience, but have you thought of buying your daughter more underwear so that she would not notice the 'older' underwear going missing? or perhaps would not be bothered that it has gone missing. that way everyone seems to win without anyone actually talking about the issue.

Obviously it depends how you deal with these sorts of things as a family. I think that confronting the issue with him would be so embarrassing for him. I think you could quietly acknowledge it yourselves (which I think you have done). He must realise that you know now, and you are giving support and acceptance by not 'stopping' him or trying to 'deal' with the problem.

P.S. Have you read Steven Biddulph - Raising Boys - interesting section about sexuality.

[pretendingnottobeme]

Wow - it never ceases to amaza me the breadth of experience that people have on mumsnet!!

How did everyone else react to your Fil?


I'm not saying that I think that he is gay, just that acknowledging the possibility.

I feel that it needs a chat rather than a note, if I snuggle up behind him after he has gone to bed neither of us has to see each others face!

[PeachyClair]

My FIL wears girls undies, or atleast he did, he announced last weekend he's given up underwear entirely.

He's very definitely not gay, so much so he ran off with a younger woman at Christmas!

It's likely to be just experimentation at his age, I would have thought. Lots of boys (and girls) have doubts about their sexuality and sexual personality, personally I think the only real issue here is that he nicking his sister's underclothes.

Personally, I would just leave him a note saying you do not care whether he is transvestite, straight, experiemntaing, gay, bi,or trans sexual but that you want hiim to know that he is lovedcan always come to you should he need to. Oh, and could he please stop swiping sister's underwear- BeWise do a lot very reasonably.

I would also add that I left him anote to save his blushes, that as an adult it would take a damn site more to shock you, and he really mustn't worry about that.

[Saker]

I think it is important to recognise that wearing women's clothing does not make you gay. Many transvestites are hetereosexual. I worked for the student telephone helpline at Uni and we had a talk from two transvestite men who were happily married. However they had had some traumas getting there and what was clear was that the urge to dress up in women's clothing was very strong so as to make them take huge risks of being found out. One of them worked for the railways and you can imagine the consequences if his colleagues had known.

There are loads of reasons why your ds might be doing this and it may well be a passing phase. However I think it is extremely unlikely it means he is gay. He may have a strong need to do it though and you may have to accommodate that or allow for him to talk about it to you.

[mummyhill]

Good luck with your chat. I think that all teenagers just need a lot of support as quite often thet don't understand what they are doing or why themselves. I know I found my teenage years very traumatic and my parents weren't as understanding as you appear to be.

[pretendingnottobeme]

Ds is in year 8 and is very much a 'lad', I know that this doesn't actually mean anything, but unless someone found something out like this about him, he isn't the sort that would every be teased for being gay.

Going to talk to him tonight


aaarrrggghhh

They don't tell you about this at ante natal classes!

[hercules]

A boy in year 7 in my old school was fairly obviously gay and the other kids were teasing him. We were worried about him as he comes from a strict muslim background.
His parents came into school and told us that they'd been concerned and found out he'd been on a gay help line. They said they knew it was against their religion but that was their son and his is what he is. THey were going to go the the GP to get some sort of counselling for him as the poor babe was confused and struggling.


You sound sorted as a parent too and your son is lucky to have you both as his parents.

[basketcase]

you sound such a rational and caring parent - go with you gut instincts on this and I am sure you are going to be fine xx

[pretendingnottobeme]

just been reading back thru this and I can I just say that you are all lovely!!

big emotional hug to all from me!

[basketcase]

Talk/don?t talk to him - either way it has the potential for embarrassment and awkwardness. I guess it depends on what the individuals are like and whether not talking would create an uncomfortable air in the home that others would pick up on or talking could go wrong and make everyone feel even worse.

Personally, I would be very uncomfortable with the thought of you buying him girls underwear and leaving it in his room with a little note - sounds like the kind of tactic that the red head from desperate housewives would do - well meaning but would make him cringe. Whilst there are potentially quite a few motivational reasons for him wearing female underwear, I imagine most teenage boys experimenting would not think "oh, how great, my mum is supporting me and has even gone to get me some of my own" and carry on as before - I imagine they are more likely to feel happy for the support and well meaning but feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed at the thought that their mum has gone out and deliberately bought this for him in broad daylight...just too weird

[pretendingnottobeme]

ok I have been thinking and I think that the reasons I am uncomfortable with it are as follows.

It's not 'normal' behaviour, if anyone found out about it he would be teased/bullied. If his sister found out about it she would as I have said beforekill him and she would also not let it lie. If it continues into adulthood, what about future partners?

Was talking with dh last night about the possibility of him being gay, adn I don't think he is adn I don't think that it would bother me greatly, if it does come to that I don't know how I will react but hope that I can go down the 'what ever makes you happy' route.

I don't think that any of us are comfortable with our children's (or our parent's!) sexuality. And he is a 'developed' boy, and to experiment with things that are outside recognised behaviour, recognised behaviour in teenage boys being porn mags, makes me feel uncomfortable

[anorak]

I think it highly possible that the stealing is part of the thrill. Can you not speak to your GP for advice? If that's too embarrassing there must be some agency you can phone that will give some advice and information about the way people who have this compulsion think?

[EnidfromtheVILLAGE]

can you say, look, I don't know why you are doing this, but its your business. But you have to stop stealing your sister's underwear because it is not fair on her.

I presume he has an allowance, then he can buy his own.

I would be seriously traumatised if I had found out that my brother used to nick my underwear and w* over it.

Fair enough, if he wants to do it, but he cant keep taking her stuff, its not fair.