How can I break a naming tradition?

[MollieS]

Hi everyone, can anybody help me with a predicament?...

My husband is Greek, though has lived in England for the past 15 years, where we now live together. We are trying for a baby and I'm feeling such anticipation over choosing a name - like anybody, naming my first child has been something I've thought about since I was little. However, there's a catch.

Traditionally, little Greeks are named after the grandparents on their father's side, a custom which seems to be nation-wide and not limited to how observant/family orientated you are. So, my husband's (non English speaking) parents expect our future son or daughter to be named after them. The trouble is that their names - Vasilios and Dorothea- seem very old-fashioned to me (I hope this doesn't offend anyone). I can't imagine calling my child either of these names, nor do I feel that these names would fit well into an English school and can't help but worry that my child would be teased by other children. The most I would be comfortable with is to use them as middle names.

My husband is sympathetic though currently as confused as I am over the situation. He feels a sense of obligation to his parents (made worse by the fact that he has chosen to settle in a country which is familiar to him but alien to them and also by the fact that I am not Greek, something they've never stated as being a problem but equally, something they had not anticipated). He says he could live with either of their names, but also likes other (Greek sounding) names that we've discussed that I also like and are similar to English names (Alexandra, Sophia etc).

Has anybody else been in a similar situation? I'd appreciate any advice - from Greek mums/partners or otherwise!

So....if your husband had five brothers and they all had a child, you'd have six little Vasilios's running about?

I guess the obvious thing to suggest would be using these names as middle names?

It would seem to answer the problem, to me; you're accepting and valuing your husband's greek heritage, but at the same time your husband (and his family) could show that they are valuing your NON greek heritage by going with your choice of first name.

It's the same here in Italy.

And no, I didn't do it. MIL collapsed in a heap of anger at the hospital but has sucked it up eventually. I can understand giving them a middle name for a family member, or even a first name if you like it, but if you don't, then why on earth should you? Dp has 4 nephews all called Antonio after his Dad which just seems daft to me.

My cousin (also with an Italian) has 2 daughters, both of whom were effectively named by her MIL (one for her and one for her sister) which seems unfair.

Maybe in your case, something a bit more modern (but still Greek sounding as you say) might be a compromise?

Personaly I would use them as middle names, and have another Greek first name.

Thea is lovely, though, IMO.

Why not give them those first names but call them by their middle name.
It's a difficult situation.
Maybe your partner could put out some feelers with his parents.

Either give them as middle names or give them as first names and use their middle names in day to day life. Dorothea is lovely though and would not stand out in an English primary school imo. My dcs go to a Catholic school and some of the names are clasic stereotypical foreign names eg Carlos, Luigi, Cormac but Dorothea would come under the of the moment old fashioned names such a Kitty, Matilda, Ruby etc.

Thank you all for the advice so far!

The middle-name thing is certainly what I am leaning towards. The problem is that many Greeks don't have middle names, making the placing of the name in the middle position seem merely secondary to them! Eek.

Bucharest - the thought of MIL collapsing in a heap of anger at the hospital is very much imaginable to me too! Well done for sticking to your guns, it is reassuring to hear that a MIL capable of causing a scene did suck it up eventually.

LynetteScavo - Yes, Thea is lovely, but my husband is called Theo!

Tell them in England its traditional to name them after your first bf/his sister and then use the names you want

Or Wales or Scotland or wherever you are

Actually Scotland does have some naming traditions that are more likely to go down the female side. Worth looking into?

doh, first line still do you have roots?

No Scottish or Welsh roots sadly, so I can't call that one!
Maybe just the tradition of free choice!

Lol @ bronze

my dad did call me after his first girlfriend. Well so my mother maintains.

Op there is a family name in our family that my dad hates (it's his name). He tried the "give it as a first name, use the second name" approach. Didn't mollify his dad and is (only a bit) annoying for my brother. I'd prob go second names.

Agree that dorothea is nice though

Thea and Leo would be good (Leo could be derived from Vasilios, right?)

It is interesting that so many people have said that Dorothea is nice...Don't you think that people would be inclined to call her Dorothy though? I can just imagine a tirade of Wizard of Oz comments....

My husband has also floated the idea of giving the name as a first name but using their middle name day to day.
My qualm with this is that it would require lots of explaining - like 'this is Vasillios but we call him Leo' or whatever. I don't know how well it would work also, with school registration etc. I just feel it could cause confusion for the child and others.

Any further experiences with the middle name as day to day scenario?

Wow CantSupinate! I wrote Leo before I'd read your post. I adore the name Leo and would like to use it!

What about putting Leo/Thea on the birth certificate, and telling them that it's the result of mixing the 2 cultures? Would they understand that compromise or think it pointless?

friend of mine uses her middle name all the time, and has done from birth. IME school forms often have a space for 'known as', so you can make that clear.

I love Dorothea, but if you don't then I think using them as a middle name is a great compromise. I do think having a family name as a middle name is a great way of keeping a tradition and culture alive.

FWIW, we agonised during pregnancy about whether to name the baby after my MIL who died shortly before I got pg. She had a very oldfashioned name - not in a good way either - but luckily I had a boy. Phew!

Interesting ideas. I think they'd understand the compromise, though they'd probably consider me to be basterdising the culture! What a minefield!

I very much like the names Leo and Thea. If I'm really picking holes in things in an attempt to cover every eventuality, then I'd say that the only problems would be that for Leo it is short for Leonidas in Greek and Thea is very much like Theo, the name of dh!

Changing tack slightly, does Leonidas sound too kitsch given the connection to the Greek story of Leonidas which was recently made into a Hollywood movie?

Why should the Greek tradition of naming a child after paternal grandparents over-rule the British tradition of picking a name of the parent's choosing?

I gave mine Swedish, unpronouncable names, but that was because I wanted those names! And no, they've never been teased. But if it was solely for the sake of the family, I'd let them be middle name.

My bf's brother was known by his middle name at school and by his first name at home due to some complicated reason I can't quite remember (think it was because he had an extant family member with one of the names or something). AFAIK it didn't cause any problems for him, though it was very confusing for me (he was one of twins, so three names thrown into the mix was baffling ).

I don't think you would say "This is Vasillios but we call him Leo" would you, you'd just say his nn, or at least that's what I do with DD.

Personally I think middle names would be a good compromise and am another who loves Dorothea

Re: school registration, the form asks for their name and their 'known as' name.

As previously suggested, just get your dh to explain that in the UK middle names are often used to pass on family names so you'll be using these to honour the grandparents.

That way you're mixing two traditions (sort of since technically the middle name thing isn't exactly a tradition). Hopefully they'll be as respectful of your alternative culture and see this as a good compromise.

Well put SuziKettles. Thanks everyone for the advice!

Is Vasilios the greek version of as Basil? I know a little (French) boy called Basile and I thought it was quite a sweet name.