What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

[Lozza79]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy. My partner and I are very happy together and we're not married. Whether we ever get married or not doesn't bother me, but if we ever did I certainly wouldn't take his surname. I'm quite happy with my own and at the age of 30, if I did I would feel like I'd be losing my identity just to satisfy tradition. Furthermore, I am the last person in my family with my surname and if our child doesn't get it - that's it.

My partner would like us to use his surname for our son. I haven't really pushed the conversation yet as I'm curious to find out more first from women who have different names to their children. What's it like? Are you treated differently? Do you think it's easier for the man to have a different surname to his child?

By the way, I have no intention of double barrelling our son's surname. The two names would look terrible hyphenated.

I wish my DD had my surname. She got the x's because I believed we would marry. But sadly we split and as I do all the hard work rearing and supporting my child I reckon she should have my surname.

I did not change my name when I got married. The dds have my surname and DH's surname as an extra middle name, so Firstname Middlename DHsurname Mysurname.

Works fine.

Except it makes for long nametapes

I, too, am married but kept my own name, partly because it's mine, and I like it, and partly because DH had been married before and his first wife still had his name. Our DD was born before we married and she had DH's name, because I really didn't think it through properly! We then got married, and I didn't change my name. Next, DS was due. This time, I realised I wanted him to have both names, and bitterly regretted not doing the same for DD. We then found out that because we married after DD was born, we were allowed to re-register her birth! (This was actually(according to the registrar) in order to legitimise her birth, if you can beleive that!!) We used it, though, as the opportunity to change her surname.
So, now I have my name, DH has his name, both DCs have both names, no hyphen.
In terms of aggravation, never had any trouble travelling. School are hit and miss about whether they get my name right or not. Biggest hassle is DH's family. MIL can't accept that I'm not Mrs DH, but even more annoyingly, neither can either of SILs!!
Make sure you're in the billing somewhere.
(Note, if you have two surnames, no hyphen, and your DS one day writes a book, the book will get filed in the library under second of the two names!!)

I'm married but didn't take my husband's name as it is tricky to get people to spell it right, etc. and I couldn't be bothered to change it. I would've wanted DS to have my name, but DH felt quite strongly. DS has my surname as a second middle name (scottish tradition) so it is in there. I don't mind being called Mrs Husbandsname or people mistaking as we are married He doesn't have an issue being called Mr Myname either and it can be useful sometimes!

Advice though - if you're not married, they should have yours, just in case.

I kept my maiden name for many years after dh and I married because I didn't want to lose my name or take his as it was a bit dull. Eventually, after meeting another couple who had done it, we took each others names and made a new double barrel so our family all have the same surname. We both had short surnames so it works but I have met children with quite long double barrels and no-one really cares.

Only read OP - is generally fine apart from when travelling abroad on own with kids (need birth certificate to prove their my sons) or dealing with the incompetent idiots at the post office who wont accept a birth certificate and marriage certificate as proof they are my sons and I am their mother so I can readdress post for them to our new address -have to get DH to sort that rubbish out...

My boys have my surname as one of their middle names (ie. FN, SN, my surname, dp surnme). No way could we double barrel them - awful, awful as mine is quite flowery and DPs is quite blunt sounding - both also quite long. I would have double barrelled if one of us had been called Smith or similar!

I'm married but kept my own surname.

We I got pregnant the most reasonable way we could think of to solve the 'which surname' dilemma was to say that if it was a girl she would have DH's surname and if a boy then mine. Of course it could have been the other way around.

Lo and behold had a little girl. So she has DH's surname as her surname, and my surname as a second middle name.

I guess it gave the discovery of her gender at birth an additional 'frisson'!... but more importantly it seemed a fair way to decide without one of us having to concede or feel resentful.

we kids had different names from our mum and stepfather. My dcs have Dps name. Never any problems other than I sometimes get called Mrs Dp.

Back on olden days... my Husbands brother was born out of wedlock and given his Mums name. Then they got married and his Dad had to adopt him so they could have same name!

rochester, in Brazil the usual thing to do when people get married, if they want to change the name, is to drop the mother's and add the husband's name as a last one, keeping 2 family names. However, some women simply add the husband's name, though, and keep 3 family names (or more!).

To tell the truth, the thing is fairly flexible, you can drop whatever name you're not very fond of and add the one you like most It's usually not a big deal, each couple finds their way.

comixminx, if you're half Brazilian you have a great excuse for keeping both surnames! To me, the combination of our names sounds perfectly reasonable, but my English friends seem a bit shocked when they hear the two surnames together. Anyway, he will probably only use one in his daily life (probably the father's), but I think it's important that he has both names.

Reading replies has made me realise how unusual we must be, although I do know several families IRL who have done the same. We had both our children before we got married. They both have my surname, so Dh is the only one in the family who has his own surname. I just asked hm if he ever gets called Mr Myname and he said 'no of course not'. Not at all defensive then

When we were expecting DC1, I said I really wanted him / her to have my surname. I had always felt strongly about it, partly due to reasons which could be called feminist and partly because I like my name and it seemed highly likely it would not get continued to another generation if I didn't use it on my children. At the time he did not object at all, saying that he did want a family name (actually not his own surname) to be the middle name for any children. We did this and it has not caused any problems at all.

The post script to this is that a few years ago when dh got into family history [yawn] he started saying he regretted it (them not having his surname), but this regret is pretty low key. Since marrying several years ago I did not change my surname to his (er, rather obviously). What I find alternately hilarious and annoying is that certain members of BOTh our extended familes now do insist in addressing us as the 'his name' family, and giving me and the children his surname when addressing envelopes etc.

Both of my children have my surname. It was/is really important to me that they do, even though I don't particularly like it.

I think it will be a nightmare for geneologists (sp?) of the future to trace families if mothers and children don't have the same surname.

I once went on a home visit to a flat with 6 names on the door, the mother's and the 5 children with different surnames!

I honestly don't understand why unmarried, unless engaged, mothers give their children their partner's name.

My ds has my dh's surname. Both surnames are very unusual - but mine particularly so (and foreign). It deson't cause problems - although ds is now 9 and much more aware that I have a different name (but reconginsies that is is an unusal one). I have mellowed and will accept the statement that I am part of the [dh's name] family - espcially for ds' sake.

I do know of a family where one parent has an extremely unusual surname (even more so than mine ) They took the unusal decision to give their children a different surname to either of their parents.

my dd (22 months) has my dps surname, mind you we do intend to get married so it made sense. I am currently pregnant with dc2 and this one will also have dps last name. I think its personal preference. There is no right or wrong in this situation just make sure it is a decision you both agree on.

our girls have my surname, not dp's (who is father of both!) - and he's been away on holiday with dd1 without me and dd2, and there hasn't been a problem. Tis modern life, I think.

Our 3 are double barrelled AND have 2 middle names each, so really long names which they love! I am married (to their dad!) but would never cahnge my name (not so keen on his family). Have you thought about combining your names> I know 2 families who have done this, parents have taken new name as well, it's such a lovely idea I think to make a new name for a new generation. eg, if you were thompson and he was Allen, you could be thomlen, or alson etc.

We weren't married when we had our first two children, they have his surname. I was really really reluctant to give my surname up when we did marry last year but to be honest, it's a lot easier now that we all have same surname. I got to the point where I was maiden name at docs, two bank accts etc, and married name on our joint account, council tax, mortgate. Really irritating.

It has taken me a year to concede that I may as well use his surname, although as you sign marriage cert with maiden name, obviously you are under no obligation to take his name. I am keeping one bank acct in my maiden name though!

My niece has her dad's surname and now her parents are divorced, my SIL has reverted to maiden name and my niece really doesn't like the fact she's got a different surname to her mum and also to her cousins.

I have a different surname to my OH and my dcs, the only time it bothers me is when the schol refuse to acknowledge I have a different surname to the kids - they alway address me as Mrs Smith (the kid's pretend surname for this example) - it's just laziness and a refusal to budge from tradition...which actually pretty much sums up the school!

My DC's have DP's surname as when we were pregnant with dc1 we were talking of getting married. 15 years later we are still together but not married. I wish we had doubled barrelled the names like my sis has as I don't like not having the same surname. It has caused a few hassles and I have had to carry birth certificates for when they say it must be a parent who registers them for bank accounts or passports.
If we did marry I would take his name, even at 34. It won't make too much of a difference as I think a lot of places are used to children having different surnames to their parents so they don't look at you like you are the nanny or CM.

"I honestly don't understand why unmarried, unless engaged, mothers give their children their partner's name."

But they're the father's children, too. The marital status doesn't change that one bit.

genealogists wont struggle to trace anyone.most info is now on a pc somewhere from when born,to when you used your travel card,to when you last saw gp

I think in your situation I would use your surname for your dc.

Don't double-barrell if it doesn't sound nice, your child won't thank you for it.

I am also really surprised that so many unmarried women give their children their partner's name. I would never consider doing this until dp had made a commitment to his children and partner by getting married.

Dh suggested we give one child his surname and one mine, but I felt like that was portioning out the children so we gave them both his surname. It is a pretty awesome surname and I wasn't too fussed. It certainly hasn't caused any problems.

The only complicated one I heard was Dc1 had mums name, DC2 had Dads and DC3 had both double barrelled so the 3 children had different surnames. This causes confusion at schools but there is no reason why children have to have one or the other.