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Original poster

What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

159 replies

Lozza79 · 01/03/2010 15:11

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy. My partner and I are very happy together and we're not married. Whether we ever get married or not doesn't bother me, but if we ever did I certainly wouldn't take his surname. I'm quite happy with my own and at the age of 30, if I did I would feel like I'd be losing my identity just to satisfy tradition. Furthermore, I am the last person in my family with my surname and if our child doesn't get it - that's it.

My partner would like us to use his surname for our son. I haven't really pushed the conversation yet as I'm curious to find out more first from women who have different names to their children. What's it like? Are you treated differently? Do you think it's easier for the man to have a different surname to his child?

By the way, I have no intention of double barrelling our son's surname. The two names would look terrible hyphenated.

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comixminx · 10/03/2010 19:58

Interesting thread! We're also debating this issue. Neither of us changed name (there are a couple we know locally where the guy changed his name on marriage) so we're Ms S and Mr B. Current thoughts are that the baby (I'm 15 weeks pregnant) will be Baby S B, though not sure whether those will be treated as two surnames or as middle name and surname.

We did seriously consider Baby B S, but it didn't sound right when expanded out, unfortunately - though we were both quite keen on the idea of not defaulting to something that looked like the traditional keeping the man's name. I didn't seriously consider just using my surname as we're both part of this child... Am vaguely tempted by the principle of any girls taking my surname and any boys taking his surname, but you'd have to have at least one of each to make the point visible!

Well, if we do as we've currently planned I can explain it as Brazilian, as per Barbaraaxt. I am half Brazilian so it would make sense!

trellism · 10/03/2010 20:04

I had a deal with DH that DD would have my last name if I had to have an episiotomy.

Like a complete numpty, I then had a c-section. So DD has his last name (I never bothered changing mine).

Doesn't seem to be a problem.

KnackeredOldHag · 10/03/2010 20:05

I also never changed my name (as I don't like the woman as a man's possession connotations). The dc's have dh's surname. The only time it causes a "problem" for us is when the school address me as "Mrs X" to which I constantly want to turn around and say "I am not Mrs X and never have been". The school have also called me at work asking for "Mrs X" and of course the secretary didn't know who they were talking about and so told the school they had the wrong number!

Otherwise it's never really been an issue.

cupofteaplease · 10/03/2010 20:06

I had dd1 as a single parent, so she has my maiden name as her surname.

Then I met my now dh and we had dd2, and she has dh's surname. Now we are married, I have the same name as dh and dd2. I hate that dd1 has a different surname from us and she ofen mentions about feeling 'different'

As there are only 2 school years between the girls it is very awkward that they have different surnames as it makes them seem like lesser siblings than others with the same surname.

Wish I'd done things differently, but not really sure how tbh...

Julesnobrain · 10/03/2010 21:12

Hi Interesting debate. I had the same problem. I couldn't bear the thought of my children not having the same name as me so we just gave them a double barrelled but non hypenated surname. Both mine and DP's surnames are long so its a bit of a mouthful. Interesting one or other of the names often gets dropped by the school and nursery but DS and DD don't mind and see it as completely normal they have both Mummy and Daddys name. I would put both names on any formal documentation, you can always drop one but you can't put it back IFYSWIM.

BettyTurnip · 10/03/2010 21:29

My DH has been married before (no children from that marriage though) and his ex-wife kept his name when they divorced. When DH and I married I kept my maiden name, but our dc all have his surname. It does feel a bit odd that my dc have the same surname as my DH's ex and not me, their own mother, and I am considering starting to use my married name (but not until my passport's up for renewal which is a good few years yet - tightfisted emoticon).

Hope you manage to decide something soon OP,

yesway · 10/03/2010 21:46

I have kept my maiden name but my children all have dh's surname. The biggest problem we've had is my dh being called Mr my surname because I tend to sort out household bills etc. I also managed to upset my inlaws a bit and (oddly) my father by not taking dh's surname. I have been laid back about being called Mrs dh as I don't expect everyone to be able to keep track (e.g. first term at school etc).

rasputin · 10/03/2010 21:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Divatheshopaholic · 10/03/2010 21:53

Yes, we all have the same surname.

rasputin · 10/03/2010 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rowingcah · 10/03/2010 23:20

I never changed my name when married and my DS has my DH's name. Got confusing in hospital as they insisted on calling DS by my surname. However, we ended up being in hospital for 2 wks which is pretty rare and not likely to be the case for you! Took several months for the NHS to catch up with the fact that that wasn't his surname. I am totally used to being called by the wrong name anyway - very useful for getting rid of sales calls easily! Useful to know about bringing birth certificate to aiport security/passport control - if a little annoying (especially if I had turned up without it!!)

ascouser · 10/03/2010 23:24

Just to add my twopeneth... and my experience.

A while back I was flying to the States with my mum and my DD who was then 4. My mum and I had the same surname in our passports and my DD had her birth surname in hers (my ex h name) The check in questioned whether I had 'permission' to take her out of the country and would not accept us on the flight unless I had PERMISSION from her father! He hadn't seen her for a while and I hadn't told him of the weeks trip we were taking. I had to call him and he faxed a letter to Delta to say it was ok !!
Thinking about it I could have got anyone to sign and fax that letter and they weren't to know..but bit of a panic before boarding a flight - like you need that kind of hassle

BTW . she now has my name on her passport

Sophf · 11/03/2010 01:08

Change it by deed poll for her birthday. If her father does not have PR

lwfhthebagpipeplayer · 11/03/2010 01:47

DH has two surnames (unhyphenated). I didn't take his surname when we got married. He uses both his names. The children might have taken my surname as well except that FirtstName MiddleName DHSurname1 DHSurname2 MySurname is a bit of a mouthful for a small baby!

Runningwithscissors · 11/03/2010 06:32

I conceded that DD could have DP's surname if I got final say over the first name, and had my surname as a middle name.

Earthstar · 11/03/2010 07:00

It's very patriarchal to use the fathers name and I think out of place in modern society. My child has my surname and I am amazed that all mothes don't choose this option!

WidowWadman · 11/03/2010 07:06

Earthstar - so do you think that modern society means that the mother has sole ownership of the child? Insisting on only the mother's surname is as bad as insisting that only the father's surname will do.

comixminx · 11/03/2010 08:08

PS we were also quite tempted by going the Scandiwegian route of "-dottir" and "-son", but while "Richardson" sounds fine I don't really see "Jennisdottir" for an child who isn't actually from somewhere that normally does that, iyswim!

monkeysmama · 11/03/2010 08:31

My dd has both. We aren't married and had agreed she'd have my surname and dp's as a middle name but when we got to registering her birth he changed his mind. It isn't double barrelled, she just has two surnames.

Like the op, if dd didn't have my surname no one else would iyswim and I have similar views to Earthstar. It's a mild pita when we are at the drs and I have to give her name over the phone etc and people get confused but it isn't a major thing. There is something quite nice about her having both our names and if she decided to change it in the future I'd be fine with it. I have a very nice surname though so I think she'll want to keep it .

sportinguista · 11/03/2010 08:48

My DP is portuguese so DS has my name then his two names. we are getting married so I will keep mine and add his two on wedding certificate but only use last for ease. He has older son to another mother and he has just one of DP's names but we are considering adding the last one so it matches. I think everyone should do what suits them best as everyone is different. But I do see why it can cause confusion at airports etc.

bunnybunyip · 11/03/2010 08:52

I wrangled with this dilemma for years; once when we got married (and in the end decided to keep my surname; not sure if it was genuine desire to retain my name or laziness at the thought of having to change everything!), and again, like you, whilst pregnant.
Like you a doubled barreled name was not an option (would have been ridiculously long). DH and I discussed it a length but there was no getting round the fact it had to be one or the other.
In the end DS arrived 8 weeks early before we had really made a decision, and in a still shocked and sleep deprived state we went for the path of least resistance (thinking about explaining to grandparents and everyone else for evermore) went for DH's name.
Having said that I a quite happy with it, in the end it doesn't seem such a important decision afterall and I have not had any problems in the past year.

Starberries · 11/03/2010 10:03

My aunt has 3 children all with 3 different fathers and all with 3 different surnames.

Her surname matches her 2nd child's surname as she had built up a work profile when married to her DC's dad in that period and didn't want to change it.

She never had a problem with any authority-types and as someone else said - we're all individuals. She used the father's name for her 3rd as she needed child support from him also.

Waspie · 11/03/2010 10:08

My son has my family name. Even if I were to marry his father I wouldn't change either my name or my son's.

I would consider double barrelling without hyphen if my partner had held strong views on the subject, but he's never said it is an issue to him.

maxybrown · 11/03/2010 10:30

It is interesting how you see taking the mans name when you marry as "just because of tradition" but wanting to give child your name to "keep the family name going" is also a tradition. I suppose, the same could be said for the male name...........and surnames are just a tradition almost!

I have no opinion either way btw, was just joining in I am married, took my Husbands name - it was a relief tbh, my maiden name is a paita to spell! Plus I have an ectra letter in my first name so I was happy. I guess I also don't feel like you about identity being taken away, I would still be me, no matter what anyone called me!!

ln1981 · 11/03/2010 10:56

All dc's have my partners surname, as we are hoping to get married in the near future (we kept having children, so had to put plans on hold!). my feeling was that it would save having any problems later.
Cant say we have ever had any problems tbh. the only thing was when ds1 went to get his passport. dp had to take him to passport office as i had only given birth 5 days before. he had to take a letter along from me stating that i was giving dp my permission to get his sons passport! i never understood why (until recently), especially as they have the same surname.