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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

159 replies

Lozza79 · 01/03/2010 15:11

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy. My partner and I are very happy together and we're not married. Whether we ever get married or not doesn't bother me, but if we ever did I certainly wouldn't take his surname. I'm quite happy with my own and at the age of 30, if I did I would feel like I'd be losing my identity just to satisfy tradition. Furthermore, I am the last person in my family with my surname and if our child doesn't get it - that's it.

My partner would like us to use his surname for our son. I haven't really pushed the conversation yet as I'm curious to find out more first from women who have different names to their children. What's it like? Are you treated differently? Do you think it's easier for the man to have a different surname to his child?

By the way, I have no intention of double barrelling our son's surname. The two names would look terrible hyphenated.

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KAEKAE · 02/03/2010 19:46

I have a different surname to my children and the other day we were teaching our son his full name Oliver Smith etc.....then he said aloud "Oliver Smith", "Daddy Smith" "Mummy Smith"...I did feel a bit left out I must admit as my name isn't the same as their's but we decided not to correct him just yet, all a bit too confusing for a 2 year old!

FTR Not our real names either!

moomaa · 02/03/2010 20:08

It is nice to see that noone encounters problems with different surnames within a family. As it should be of course, but I thought some people would be judgemental about it.

mamazon · 02/03/2010 20:10

ihave never encountered any judgments or real problems. but i do get called Mrs DC's surname a lot.

skymonkey · 02/03/2010 22:16

hi, my children have my partner's surname and it's not ever been a problem yet (oldest is 3 and at preschool). but then it's not something that bothers me and it is pretty normal in my area for families to not all have the same surname.
some of my friends got a sudden urge to get married and change their names once their babies were born so it did matter to them. also a friend in a 'posher' area got some odd comments from healthcare professionals etc due to not being married or having same surname as her children.
like you i think i'd keep my name even if we did get married, it really doesn't bother me at all to not share a surname with my children
good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

piscesmoon · 02/03/2010 22:33

Its slightly inconvenient sometimes-nothing more.

hatwoman · 02/03/2010 22:37

I've never encountered any problems either. dd's have my surname as their middle name - which is an old vaguely Scottish tradition used in dh's family, so it felt like a nod to that, as well as to me.

persephoneplum · 03/03/2010 10:00

No problems at all here either. I think society is very used to this. It's no great surprise for anyone these days.

MarineIguana · 03/03/2010 10:09

I was in your position and wanted DS to have my DP's surname - DP was keen, I wanted them to have that obvious "link" (as it was obvious I was his mum having carried him, but the surname says who his dad is IYSWIM), double-barrelling wouldn't have worked, etc.

Soooo, DP's name it is and it's totally fine. Some people seem to worry about not having the same name as their DC or other family members but I can't think why - we're all individuals aren't we? People seem to be able to take it on board. The only confusion arises because I tend to do all the admin and organising, so people get my name, and then they assume both DP and DS also have my name

hatwoman · 03/03/2010 10:21

Marine - that was my thinking too. it provides an obvious link for dh, that for me, wasn't necessary

Bucharest · 03/03/2010 10:42

All Italian children have a different surname to their mothers.
Isn't a problem.

alittleteapot · 03/03/2010 11:20

We were in the same position. I'd always assumed I'd give the children their father's name but felt really bereft when it came to registration. dp said they cd have my name but I felt odd abt that too, like he was somehow being pushed out. i was tempted by double barrel but he was dead against. in the end i gave them my name as a middle name. i still feel a little sad at not being exactly the same but they wouldn't be the same even if db. only option wd be for me to change mine but at nearly 40 and no prospect of marriage that's unlikely - just not sure i cd do it. ultimately i think the solution we came to was right. giving my name s a middle name makes it feel special and there forever (even if dd gets married and changes hers)

Magnima · 03/03/2010 13:43

My partner and I are in pretty much the same position and have decided to have my surname as a middle name in case our son(about to arrive)wants to use both surnames later. I don't think it has to be hyphenated to use both.

sophieandbelly · 08/03/2010 13:56

we r in the majority now us un married mummy s!! i dont have same surname as my dd, at doc etc they often call me mrs(my dds surname) which i just answer to, easier than correcting sometimes, our surnames start with same letter and sound bit alike anyway.

i assume one day we will get married and i will have the same name as my children, but if not its not a problem, i will prob get shouted at for this but i feel its tradition to take dads name i will b doing the same for my dc2.

oh p.s my neice has her mums surname and nephew has dads, i think it odd that u would do that!!

fabhead · 08/03/2010 19:20

Same here and no issue whatsoever really.

Only minor ones are the feeling left out bit as they get older and the fact that in the hospital they will call the baby "Baby

bowbluebell · 08/03/2010 20:57

I never thought it would bother me, but it would be nice for us all to have the same name, just because that's what's traditional I suppose.

I'm getting married in the SUmmer and won't change my work name (have journal articles and chapters referenced in my surname) or official documents but think that I might start using DD's and DH's surname at home as I like the way it joins us all together.

DP is not keen on me changing surname, he thinks 'it's Victorian and Mrs __ is my mum' (!)

elastamum · 08/03/2010 21:03

I have a diiferent surname to my kids and always have. I am now divorced and it makes me more uncomfortable than it did when I was married. I have been asked by UK immigration whether I can prove the kids were mine, apparently for child protection issues - when returning on a Mark Warner charter with 2 kids in ski gear!!! fortunatley I do carry their birth certificates so they let us go. The kids were a bit surprised, kept asking 'Mum, come ON'... the other parents were gobsmacked

bickie · 08/03/2010 21:08

None of my 4 have my name - and sometimes I like being in a little club of my own in the family - when it's all going crazy I say to DH - I'm just going to have some 'smith' time - you need to go deal with your kids!

laweaselmys · 08/03/2010 21:09

I have a different surname to DD, when DP and I get married I'll change my name to match theirs. I have got a bit fed up of people getting confused/needing it explained. If you've got a thick skin I'm sure it's perfectly fine, though.

sapphire87 · 08/03/2010 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JaynieB · 08/03/2010 21:37

My DD has DP's surname, not mine. We are planning on getting married one day...but it made sense to us as we also have 2 stepkids and this meant all the kids have same surname which we thought would make them feel more like siblings. I do feel a bit left out sometimes!
The only time it was nearly a problem, was hugely embarrassing - DD and I were flying home from France, DP & other kids were staying there a bit longer. I was going through passport control and there had been a problem with the booking and for some reason DD had not been included with my booking (she was young enough just to be on my lap) and I handed over our passports to be checked and I'd forgotten that I'd stashed my english money in my passport. This (small) bundle of cash fell out, and there's me with a baby with a different surname and no flight booking....it looked really bad! However DD is quite a clingy and jealous baby and I had to put her in her pushchair while I had my bag checked, and no doubt due to my inadvertently shifty behavior I also got frisked and she did her pieces shouting 'Mummy' a lot and getting very annoyed with the strange people who were touching me, which at least proved she was definitely with me. I was so relieved to get away from there.

messylittlemonkey · 10/03/2010 12:11

I have a 4yo DD and expecting no2 in a few days.

DD1 has both mine and my partner's surname, hyphenated, with his first and then mine.

As someone mentioned above, it gives your DCs the best of all worlds including a surname unique to them!

I couldn't have imagined my child/children not having my surname or equally not hving DPS, so this was the obvious solution for us.

Hullygully · 10/03/2010 12:14

Sallright.

GooseyLoosey · 10/03/2010 12:23

I am married but did not change my name. After much thought we gave the dcs dh's name.

They are 6 and 5 and it has never been a problem. I often get called Mrs DH and that does not bother me at all. School just assume that that is my name and I have never corrected them although I have filled in all forms in my own name.

It's fine.

twopeople · 10/03/2010 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

marl · 10/03/2010 12:43

In the middle of this issue with my third pregnancy now and it's feeling quite a big deal. First DS was given surname of my ex husband, I kept my name professionally but used his domestically. Now it seems a big deal to dear ex and even DS makes a big deal of it as a link to his dad and of course I can't change it. Second DS took my partner's name as he was so desperate for a child and I caved in on it not long before I gave birth...also thinking we might get married at some point but no joy there. But have been queried on this going to Paris on the train with insistence from customs that I proved he was mine. Third and last DS now due and it's a real sticking point. I feel like I'm carrying and delivering babies for other people who don't quite commit so am intent on either this baby having my name or double barrelled (which definitely sounds a bit stupid) and adding my name to DS2s surname! I'm not sure really that politically I feel comfortable with being 'modern enough' not to need to get married' but we women still reverting to the fathers giving their name to the children as the 'default'...Although we could argue that in fact we are just giving across our own father's name! Aaah My usually laid back partner is getting quite het up about this one!

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