What's it like if your child has a different surname to the mother?

[Lozza79]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and expecting a little boy. My partner and I are very happy together and we're not married. Whether we ever get married or not doesn't bother me, but if we ever did I certainly wouldn't take his surname. I'm quite happy with my own and at the age of 30, if I did I would feel like I'd be losing my identity just to satisfy tradition. Furthermore, I am the last person in my family with my surname and if our child doesn't get it - that's it.

My partner would like us to use his surname for our son. I haven't really pushed the conversation yet as I'm curious to find out more first from women who have different names to their children. What's it like? Are you treated differently? Do you think it's easier for the man to have a different surname to his child?

By the way, I have no intention of double barrelling our son's surname. The two names would look terrible hyphenated.

haven't read whole thread, just 1st page. i didn't change my surname when we got married. The DDs have dh's surname. DD2 has my surname as a middle name. i wish i had done that with DD1 too but didn't and now never seem to get round to adding it in formally. (but she includes it when saying her full name as i have told her that is what her complete name is)

at nursery it wasn't a problem though it was probably assumed we weren't married, invoices to miss and mr different surnames.

school (catholic in affluent area) are more prepared for it and it has never been an issue. It isn't normal in many countries for the woman to change her name and we have a lot of spanish/italian etc who have different surnames to their children. I do often get called "mrs dh surname" to which i reply, again, i don't make a big deal of it.

i was once asked at passport control if they were my children. i just said yes and no other questions were asked.

oh and dh gets called "mr my surname" loads. he has learnt to live with it . even at centre parcs in half term he gave my surname at the supermarket to have our groceries delivered to our room as i had booked the trip in my name. Bit embarassing then at checkout when he handed over his credit card with his surname and they queried whose card it was. eek..

I'm surprised to hear of difficulties for people whose children have different surnames to theirs. There are many cultures where the children have different surnames and with so many unmarried parents and women like myself who chose not to change their names when they did marry, that there are many man more children out there who don't share a surname with one or more parents.

I chose not to change mine and although hubbie was miffed at the hospital both times that the baby was given my name and not his, no one else has ever commented on it.

I'm in the same situation as you Lozza. Not married and wouldn't take his name even if we did. I like my name.

DD has her father's surname and my surname as a middle name. I didn't want it double-barrelled, it would have been too complicated. I would have loved for her to have my surname but didn't want to cause family ructions. By putting it as a middle name she can drop it if she wants to, it'll only need to be on official forms, but it does identify that she's my daughter too in the case of airports etc.
Plus when/if she gets married she'll still have my surname in her name, so I sort of get my way.

Both of our surnames are unusual and neither could be mistaken for forenames, so it might look a little weird, but she'll not have to use it everyday which she would if it was a surname.

You can give two surnames without hyphenating. Our son is Firstname Middlename MYSURNAME DPsSURNAME. For now, he uses both, which people are generally fine with (I get "ooh, like in Spain!" quite a lot). Later on he may choose to drop one or the other in everyday use, which would also be fine. It meant a lot to me to give him my surname.
Congratulations!

I wanted DC1 to have my name; was convinced it was a girl, so I agreed with (then) DP that a girl should have my name, a boy could have his name. It was a boy, of course, and DS has his father's surname. I then had a DD, who got my name. People probably assume they have different fathers. Whatever. I think automatically giving them the father's name is sexist, especialy as women are usually the main carers in the event of a split. There ought to be some sort of justification for what their surname should be.
I've never had a problem with DS having a different surname, though I always carry a copy of his birth certificate and the court order regarding living arrangements with me.

Haven't read all of this so I might be repeating what others have said (am at work and doing this sneakily). I'm married, but didn't want to change my name, so didn't. DD has DH's surname, but DS has my name as a middle name and DH's surname. I regret not doing the same for DD and will change her name so it includes my surname as a middle name by deed poll (stays as it is on the birth certificate though).

So the only thing I would say from experience is give your kids your surname as a middle name if you decide on DH's as a surname.

Like others on here I get called 'Mrs DH' and he gets called 'Mr MissM', but it's really such a minor irritation and doesn't bother me, just makes me laugh (although it does annoy me that my mum insists on addressing letters to me using DH's surname!)

We did the same as Puddock - 2 surnames, no hyphen. Sons now 16 and 18 and show no sign of wanting to use just one name, they like having 2.

I never compromised. My 3 (soon to be 4) children all have my surname. The older 2 have a different father and I always said if we got married we would change to his name (never really thinking it would happen tbh).

Then I met DH and we had DD2, I explained I wanted all the kids to have the same surname, it was important to me that they always felt like 'proper' siblings and I felt having different surnames would separate them in some way.

Luckily DH isn't bothered, when we married I didn't take his name either, I think it's old fashioned and I got used to my name and had no inclination to change it.

As a result DH has a different name to us all and it's absolutely no problem. I get people calling me Mrs Smith and he gets people calling him Mr Jones but I dont usually bother to correct them.

Tom and Erin don't have my surname. We do still intend to marry though. I was hoping to before Tom starts school next August. It doesn't bother me. In fact when people call me Mrs H I nearly always say, don't marry me off just yet .

I am married and didn't change my name (people still call me Miss, which is a bit annoying at times)

I'm pregnant of our first son and we're going for the Brazilian tradition (where we come from), which is the same as in Spain and Portugal: name + mother's family name + father's family name (well, in Spain it's father and then mother).

I wouldn't like my son children to have my name (unfortunately, I have friends in Italy and Germany who were forced to do that!).

You sound like you have a healthy approach to it, which I don't for my circumstance!
DP and I are not married which bothers me greatly - it's something I believe in, despite being divorced from exH. DP is not fussed about marriage but told me he wanted to get married when we first got together and has now decided he doesn't mind (grr).

So upshot is DD has his surname. She is only 18m so it doesn't bother me too much yet but it will when she starts school. I also feel a bit excluded from his family cos of it and I have no family of mine around.

Problem with using my surname is that it is my exH's surname, so I did understand why it wasn't suitable (never got round to changing it back to maiden name and I thought DP and I would be married by now!).

What I'm trying to say is, if it doesn't bother you, go with the flow. If it does bother you, discuss it before your DS arrives!

not read whole thread sorry,

but.. my dc have different surname to me as wasn't married to dc father.

has caused me problems several times at passport controls in airports and border control when driving between countries.

i now wont travel unless i also have their birth certificate and a copy of a letter from their df saying i have permission to travel with them.

the latter is now required after a lengthy stop of several hours at a border while they called the consulate of my dc father and checked i was their mother. thank goodness we had it recorded with their fathers consulate or that situation could have been alot worse. they were accusing me iof kidnapping the dc

in certain countries the father hold the rights for permission over the dc. so mothers travelling alone with dc make them very

I've never had problems travelling etc (thoug admittedly I have only flown once with ds2 without dh). My dc have my surname as a middle name so I guess that might help if there ever were a problem.
We are married btw.

Lots of people call you by your ex h's name

BarbaraxedWhat happens in Spain/Brazil when that child (ie with both the mother & fathers family name) gets married and has children of their own? Do they drop one of their two surnames? if so which one?
I know what you are going through Lozza79. I am 24 weeks pregnant and in a real spin about surnames . I married DH a year ago, and our surname has caused nothing but upset and argument .
I am totaly against changing the female name as a matter of course, DH and his family are equaly as passionate about continuing their family name (which is already double barreled) as a result I now have a tripple barrelled surname which I hate.
I know that when the baby comes along this whole can of worms will be opend again. I don't want to inflict a tripple barrel name on our poor child just because we can't agree, I just don't know what to do.

My family and friends seem to be particularly dense about our names! I am Ms E and he is Mr C (we are married but I've kept my name). Most people want to address us as Mr and Mrs C and I usually answer to it for an easy life (except with cold callers- 'I'm sorry, there is no Mrs C here' )

DS was born last year and his last name is C (DH wanted it, I wasn't bothered enough to argue). He has E as one of his middle names. He was in hospital for a long time and at first was 'Baby E' because of me, then transferred and somehow became 'Baby E-C' which never changed despite me correcting several nurses. We now get post in all 3 names and some of DH's close family have started addressing us as Mr and Mrs E-C. Sigh.

And no one ever addresses me as Ms. But that is a whole other rant.

I come from a country where as far as living memory can go women have always kept their own last name, even my 90 yo GM has kept her name, IYSWIM. It is actually impossible to change my last name except by deed poll, so I have a different name from DH. My dcs have a different last name from me too. The only time it's been an issue so far is the British passport control and once when the school phoned work when one of the dcs was ill they asked for Mrsds rather than my own name, which is actually on the emergency contact list. Otherwise no one has ever commented on it and it has not had an impact on our lives whatsoever.

I've kept my own name and DCs have DH's name, never caused any problems, I do sometimes have to clarify, and I do regularly get called MrsDinky not Ms Ownname, just have to put up with it.

Have you considered you all changing to your name?

I took my husband's surname when we got married because I hated my maiden name and wanted shot of it. Our children have the same surname so everything's straightforward for us.

My brother's daughter doesn't have his surname or her mother's surname but her step-grandfather's. It means that she, her mum and her brother all have different surnames (although the intention is, supposedly, to change them all to have the same as my niece). They've had no problems and nor would I really expect them to in this day and age.

A number of my married friends who have taken their husbands' names have made their maiden name a middle name, one couple both added the maiden name as a middle name and intend to give it to any future children too so they are Tom Dick Bloggs Jones and Sarah Jane Bloggs Jones which I think is an excellent way to do things. Yet another friend and her husband made up a surname for their children; hers was Bloggs, his Jones so their children have Blones as their surname (obviously not the actual name!).

I'm sure there will still be occasions when mothers are called Mrs child's surname by school staff etc. although when I call/speak to parents I ask to speak with X's mum and then ask what they'd like me to call them whether that be a first name or surname and title. Having the same name as your children probably makes it easier for schools to sort dinner money cheques and the like because they will match the surname of the child it's intended to pay for but that's hardly a reason for dropping your name!

dc have both parental names,we are not married.works well,only comments were from some staid ole goats family who "didnae agree wi that kinda thing".but they dont like livin over the broom either

my name is important to me
personally and professionally and we want our children to have both parental names.seems equitable

Its no problem

I'm married but kept my own name - ds has dh's surname - I've never flown on my own with ds but immigration did tell me the last time that I'd best carry ds's birth certificate with me if we were ever to go abroad alone - could be as my surname is UK and ds's overseas and he doesn't look like me at all.

Just some kind of documentation to link the two of us. I'd do that no issue.