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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

DH left me before I knew I was pregnant - but still wants me to let him have a say in name of baby

77 replies

upsetlady · 17/04/2009 11:29

this is a bit long - sorry

DH and I had been a bit on and off for a while and he left me in July but we stayed on good terms and were trying to work things out. Slept together 2 weeks later, and then found out that due to contraceptive failure I was pregnant. Baby is due in 2 weeks. We already have a DS and a DD and although we have very very different taste in names we both love their names.

Basically I knew when I found out I was pregnant DH would not be pleased as he was quite adamant he wanted no more children. He reacted as expected and wanted me to have a termination which I refused to do. Initially he wanted nothing to do with the new baby ( another DD ) but as time has gone on he has accepted that this baby is coming whether he likes it or not and realises he should not treat it differently than his other children. He is now keen to have contact and will financially spport it. He has also requested to be present at the birth which I have told him I am not comfortable with, and he does understand.

My dilema is this - I have been alone for the pregnancy, will give birth alone and for the will be bringing the baby up mostly alone, yet he wants an equal say in her name. There is only one name I really love and when I mentioned it to him earlier in the pregnancy he did not like it. I have asked him for suggestions in case there was anything I could compromise on. Unfortunately he has only suggested 2 nnames - Ellie ( which does not go with our surname, is a nickname and not a 'proper'name in my mind and too too popular. The other one was Ronnie ( which I like for a boy but not for a girl, especially as I have a unisex name myself )

So, do I give the baby My name, or settle for something tolerable that he likes too

Advice / opinions please ladies

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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LynetteScavo · 17/04/2009 11:33

Well...what is the name that you like?

For what it's worth don't go with Ellie or Ronnie.

edam · 17/04/2009 11:33

I always think the mother should have the power of veto over names, given she's the one carrying/growing the baby and pushing it out. Even more so in your case!

How about you choose first name and h the middle?

I'd be slightly reluctant to give the baby a name your ex really hates - he is the father after all. But if he's just being difficult and can't come up with any decent ideas you have a strong case!

LibrasJusticeLeagueofBiscuits · 17/04/2009 11:33

Erm personally I would give the baby the name I liked but in the interests of fairness I would say you should both try and continue to find a name you both like.

drlove8 · 17/04/2009 11:34

your baby, you've done all the work,pregnany and will do labour you should pick the girls name you want. he gave up and say in choice of names when he started being an arse!

SoupDragon · 17/04/2009 11:35

Name the baby what you want.

drlove8 · 17/04/2009 11:36

oh and ronnie is horrible for a girl, ellie is ok, but far too many ellies now .what do you like?

MaryBS · 17/04/2009 11:39

If you want him to have a part in this child's life and to treat this child no differently from your other two, you may have to compromise on the name.

I do notice one thing, that he has changed his mind on the baby, not wanting anything to do with her, and now he does. Maybe he could have changed his mind on the name too?

Perhaps, if you can, you need to sit down with him and "ask how much of a father are you prepared to be?" Because if the answer is "not much", then you should most definitely go with "your name".

beanieb · 17/04/2009 11:41

I don't think you should have him at the birth if you don't want but if he is going to be continuing contact with his child then maybe it would be common courtesy to agree on a name rather than choose one you know he hates.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 17/04/2009 11:43

Let him choose the middle name?

thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 11:45

I think it would be better if he agreed with your choice, but I wouldn't let him have final veto over it if you really really love it and can't come to a compromise. I also wouldn't let him choose it unless you love his choice. As you have split up, there is always the possibility that he will veto any of your choices just because they ARE yours (although he doesn't sound that petty so probably not) - try for compromise first and if you can't manage it, do what YOU want to do. He'll get over it.

Tortington · 17/04/2009 11:46

gosh its all very reasonable this whole situation - and the MN answers too.

personally i would tell him to get bent, but then i am sure that won't help matters

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 17/04/2009 11:48

I agree it's you doing the responsible bit, he's ducked out of that to most intents and purposes - his choice and totally unfair to insist on his name being used.

Sounds exactly like my ex, who left when I was about 3months pg, said i'd be doing all the child rearing and then proceeded to get offended when I gave the baby a name he didn't choose

I'd asked him the previous week for suggestions - he came up with two I hated, for good reasons...one was the name of my primary school I hated, and the other the name of a bloke who sexually assaulted me a few years previously.!

He wasn't sure about a name anyway, so I assumed it was up to me and chose something I really liked.

I was having trouble being attached to the baby anyway as its father had been such an arse, so calling it something I didn't like wouldn't have been any good, I needed every ounce of encouragement i could get to love it already

Yes so when I told him the name he went all sulky, we arranged for him to come and visit it and he didn't even turn up...haven't heard from him since. So much for being involved.

littlelamb · 17/04/2009 11:51

Tell him to fark roght off. Ds's dad tried this one on me. Bugger off when I'm pregnant and the reality of responsibility hits you, come back for the birth and then throw a minor strop hours later when informed that I will be choosing his name. Just as well really as he hasn't been involved since, and knowing him he'd have picked something awful like Holden, just to show how misunderstood he is

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 17/04/2009 11:52

IN hindsight i reckon it was a test, had I caved on the name front he'd have continued being controlling as he'd have seen it as an admission of submission, iyswim...like his other ex who gave his children the names he wanted and then he took her to court and got residency of one of them. Honestly, I ask you - splitting up siblings just to prove a point.

Sorry ranting there

I'm sure your ex H isn't anything like as horrid.

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 17/04/2009 11:53

Littlelamb

Mine wanted to call it - if it was a girl - 'Sully' ???

littlelamb · 17/04/2009 11:56

sully?!

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 17/04/2009 11:57

I know! what a knobjockey!!!

flightoftheeasterbunyip · 17/04/2009 11:58

Mind you Holden is crap isn't it...!

duchesse · 17/04/2009 11:59

He sounds very controlling if even after leaving you, he still expects you to run around after him.

Tell him it's not his anyway, and call her whatever you like. Or say yes, and then give her "his" name as a third name, after your choices.

littlelamb · 17/04/2009 12:00

Flight, I can't tell you how much I regret buying him the Catcher in The sodding Rye. I love the book, I thought it might pull him out of his o woe is me teenage angst fest when I bought it for him (years ago, we were students, I was trying to be ironic, honest guv that's my excuse) but no. Instead he uses it for self justification. Knobjockey indeed

serumheight · 17/04/2009 12:10

I was in exactly the same situation a few months ago. Dh tried to bully me into a termination and when I refused he left me to cope alone with the pregnancy and even stopped helping with our existing children.
Although he expressed a wish once of being at the birth, I too wasn't comfortable as I couldn't trust him and in any case he was uncontactable most of the time.As it turned out, he was supposed to come and see dcs the day I went into labour, but didn't turn up. So I gave birth alone.
He didn't come to see us in hospital and yet when he did appear he seemed to think he could have a say in naming the baby.
Sorry, long
The point is that I didn't let him choose the name, not even a middle name. I considered not using things he really hated, but that was all.
His names: Ellie is okay, but is very, very popular. Ronnie, not nice and definitely just a nickname.

Good luck

TheCrackFox · 17/04/2009 12:26

Tell him to piss off. Why does he think he can cherry pick all the fun stuff but leave the hard graft to you?

Ellie is OKish but Ronnie is just barfsville.

StercusAccidit · 17/04/2009 12:34

EEEEEEMAGINE THAT!!

Tell him to get bent AND piss off.

You choose the name, fk what he thinks.
My DS is named after his dad, not my choice but its grown on me tbh, and i like it now, it really does suit him..

LOL @ cherry picking and hard graft..spot on..

everGreensleeves · 17/04/2009 12:35

Whaaaat????!?

tell him to go piss up a rope

or christen the baby "Dadsadick"

FAQinglovely · 17/04/2009 12:39

hmmm have to say I sort of disagree with a lot of you.

Yes he wanted her to terminate and they haven't been together (and doesn't sound like they will be again in teh future) during her pg - but he IS still the father. Presuming that he's still having regular contact with his other 2 children then I don't think he should just be dismissed out of hand.

He IS the father, he has now come round and accepted that he's father and will take responsbility yet some of you are talking as if he'd disappeared off the face of the planet and had nothing to do with his other children and therefore as they're not longer together has no say in HIS child. It's not just the OP's child - it's his too - and he's come round to accept that.

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