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Original poster

DH left me before I knew I was pregnant - but still wants me to let him have a say in name of baby

77 replies

upsetlady · 17/04/2009 11:29

this is a bit long - sorry

DH and I had been a bit on and off for a while and he left me in July but we stayed on good terms and were trying to work things out. Slept together 2 weeks later, and then found out that due to contraceptive failure I was pregnant. Baby is due in 2 weeks. We already have a DS and a DD and although we have very very different taste in names we both love their names.

Basically I knew when I found out I was pregnant DH would not be pleased as he was quite adamant he wanted no more children. He reacted as expected and wanted me to have a termination which I refused to do. Initially he wanted nothing to do with the new baby ( another DD ) but as time has gone on he has accepted that this baby is coming whether he likes it or not and realises he should not treat it differently than his other children. He is now keen to have contact and will financially spport it. He has also requested to be present at the birth which I have told him I am not comfortable with, and he does understand.

My dilema is this - I have been alone for the pregnancy, will give birth alone and for the will be bringing the baby up mostly alone, yet he wants an equal say in her name. There is only one name I really love and when I mentioned it to him earlier in the pregnancy he did not like it. I have asked him for suggestions in case there was anything I could compromise on. Unfortunately he has only suggested 2 nnames - Ellie ( which does not go with our surname, is a nickname and not a 'proper'name in my mind and too too popular. The other one was Ronnie ( which I like for a boy but not for a girl, especially as I have a unisex name myself )

So, do I give the baby My name, or settle for something tolerable that he likes too

Advice / opinions please ladies

OP posts:
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FAQinglovely · 17/04/2009 12:39

but I should add - I'd still veto Ronnie - I just think of Ronnie Sullivan

thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 12:40

pmsl at everGreensleeves - a tad harsh on the child, perhaps? Can you imagine the pisstaking at school?

CreativeZen · 17/04/2009 12:41

Well, your situation isn't so different from a happily married couple who have completely different taste in names. You either have to compromise on a name which neither of you actively hates (if you can't agree on one you both love) or one of you has to have the deciding vote.

The small difference in your situation is that presumably you will get to register the birth (so remember not to let him do that) and therefore can choose a name that you like. Offer him a filip of consideration by choosing a middle name that he likes.

MrsArchieTheInventor · 17/04/2009 12:43

It's a tricky one. What do your DS and DD think of your choice of name? Couldn't you choose your new DD's name with them instead of solely with your ex?

For what it's worth, I love the name Ellie as my 10 week old DD is called Eleanor but I shorten it to Ellie as I can't quite get my tongue round Eleanor sometimes.

thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 12:44

now MrsArchie has just had a very good idea - give your DC some input to the namechoice and then your exH can't have such a whinge...

EyeballsintheSky · 17/04/2009 12:48

I like Ronnie...

I think you should take his opinion into consideration but keep hold of the deciding vote.

MrsArchieTheInventor · 17/04/2009 12:57

That's what I did with DD. DS liked one name, DP like another, I liked them both so we just decided what DD looked like when she was born. She looked like an Eleanor! I'm just glad she wasn't called Sportacus or Weepooface!

thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 13:03

I was allowed to contribute to my twin bro and sis's names when they were born - Peter and Jane or Janet and John, couldn't decide which so went with one of each!

TheProfiteroleThief · 17/04/2009 13:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenelephant · 17/04/2009 13:11

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frisbyrat · 17/04/2009 13:26

You say Ellie "does not go with our surname" - does this mean you and your other dc are all keeping your ex's surname?
In which case, I'd take the line that he is privileged enough to have another child named with his family name, and choose the first names myself.

And then I'd kick him inna fork.

Leannabanana · 17/04/2009 13:37

Firstly love and kisses to you for your unwaivering faith in your baby and for coping with this on your own with two kids...now, could you not go for a longer name that you really like, that incorporates Ellie as a shortening....like:
Elise
Eliza
Elena
Elisabeth
Elettra
Elspeth
Eloise
Eliana

NN don't have to go with surnames. Compromise, if possible, is always better for the kids (i have XH who is very involved in our kids lives) BUT it MUST be a name you love too. Good Luck.

but Ronnie????? NO WAY. its just icky IMO

carlyvangel · 17/04/2009 14:22

He wanted to have the baby terminated, if he'd had his choice she wouldn't be here.
By all means check he doesn't detest your choice, but don't let him choose the first name. He really doesn't deserve to.

And Ronnie is awful

Original poster
upsetlady · 17/04/2009 14:39

thanks everyone!
Yes my thaughts are Sod Him like many of you have said, but am aware that he is still involved with DS and DD and wants contact with DD2. It would be easier if he liked the name i like.
The best solution I have come p with is this
The name I want for DD2 is Keturah ( an OT name ) which on a daily basis I would mostly shorten to Kitty. For middle names I want Hope Violet. I know he likes the name Violet and it was the name Keturah he objected to, but maybe Kitty he would prefer. I sort of think after a while he would get used to it and grow to love it, as it would just be her - does that make sense. The children have a double barelled surname of my maiden name and his surname although often people only use the secong part ( his name ). I don't have a problem with DD2 having the same as she is his child too, plus my surname in there also

Asking the DC would be interesting - DS is 4.9 and DD1 is 2.10 so the baby would probably end up as Peppa Pig !

OP posts:
FAQinglovely · 17/04/2009 16:07

carly - it's not uncommon for men (and woman indeed!) to consider termination for an unplanned pg especially where the relationship isn't a solid one. Just because he initially had that reaction doesn't mean that he's some awful person because of it and therefore deserves no input!

thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 16:33

upsetlady - I think your names are lovely. Lol at the idea that the DC would choose Peppa pig - I was just under 4 when I was given the choice so don't discount your DS completely!

Original poster
upsetlady · 17/04/2009 16:39

its difficult isn't it - i am angry at how I feel he has treated me badly and obviously upset cos I never wanted to end our relationship but we were together for 10 years and despite a lot of hurt he is not a totally horrible person and we have both want to remain on good terms, if only cos its better for the children.

I have thought about names that could be shortened to Ellie, as someone suggested and I think that if I really could not get him to agree to Kitty or if it was going to cause a huge scene I could settle for Elizabeth and he could use Ellie but I would call her Elsie, or maybe even Betty or Betsy instead.

I am tempted just to go and register her by myself and it would be job done, but he has specifically said he wants us to register the birth together ( as we did with DS and DD ) plus I think its sly and I know would cause a massive row.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 17/04/2009 16:47

OK, (bear in mind this is tongue in cheek)you could call her Citronella and then he could call her Ellie and you could call her Kitty!

No?

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/04/2009 16:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LynetteScavo · 17/04/2009 17:33

I would tell him you are calling the baby Kitty.....how could he object????....but put Keturah on the birth certificate.

Leannabanana · 17/04/2009 17:39

Betsy has the same kind of vibe as Kitty and i think is a very cute name [as is elizabeth...]

what about Elizabeth Kitty?

screamingabdab · 17/04/2009 17:43

thumbwitch Genius! And keeps mosquitoes away!

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 17/04/2009 17:47

Tell him to fcuk off.

The silver lining of his leaving you is that you now GET to make a few decisions without compromising!!! He can't leave you and then muscle back in on the fun bitS!!

ItsMargotBeaurEGGarde · 17/04/2009 17:56

Elizabeth Kitty is lovely, and more my taste than either Ellie or ROnnie or Keturah or Violet!! but not my baby, and as somebody else said, he is cherrypicking the fun stuff and leaving the graft to you.

You pick.

Frisby, my children are stuck with my x's sur name. (not that it bothers them) but I can't change it. You can't change it to your own sur name when you split up. Legally your children can choose to do it at 18. But the mother can't change her children's name to her sur name after a split (more's the pity, as I would love to do that)

FAQinglovely · 17/04/2009 18:49

you know I think you're all being rather mean to the poor bloke - read the title of the OP - he left BEFORE she knew she was pg - he didn't just go "oh f*ck she's pg I'm outta here"

And he doesn't sound like a totally unreasonable bloke - he's accepted the decision that the OP doesn't want him at the birth (and how that bit can be described as a "fun" bit beats me ).