Would using my mother-in-law's name upset my own mum?

[Dallief]

We're having our second child and plan on giving her the same name as DH's mum. I am worried that my mum is going to get upset when we announce, but I love my mum, and the decision isn't personal. I'm hoping that she'll understand. My mum has a strange name that is almost always misspelt and mispronounced. It is a diminutive/NN of another name that is never used in the UK but is rarely used in Spanish-speaking countries (that we have no connection to). I would never tell her this, but we just don't like the name much and don't want to burden our DC with a name like that. DH's mum has a name that is old-fashioned (dated) but easy to pronounce and spell. We both really like it. I have thought about making the middle name my mum's name, but I almost think that would be worse than not using it at all. Would you be upset if your child had done this?

My family is Italian, I pronounce it in the Italian way, I don’t think you can dictate people pronounce it in the Irish way as you’ve two mates who do.

Good for you?

I wasn't dictating how people pronounce the name. I was disagreeing with another Irish person that in Ireland Cara and cara have different pronunciations.

I was called after my mother, grandmother and great grandmother. It made me feel that I wasn't a person in my own right. My DH and I were determined that our children would have names of their own.

I adored my MIL and I loved her name. But we didn't even use it as a middle name.

We gave my first daughter her own name, plus our mothers' names as middle names. My son is named after my dad, with my father in law's name as his middle name. We told my father in law the truth, which was that we really like my father's name, rather than preferring him or wishing to honour him more than my father in law. Both men are super relaxed and would struggle to be offended either way.

The first speaker’s pronunciation of Cara in the link below is how I usually hear the name said in Ireland @SkippitySkoppity.
(The speaker is Irish.)

It sounds different to cara (friend) as linked upthread.

I accept the name must be said differently in your accent though.

https://forvo.com/word/cara_dillon/

There's no major reason (you've mentioned) to 'honour MIL'. NAME YOUR DD another name you both love. There's no need to upset your mum or complicate things.

honour them BOTH by treating them well 💕

I don't, I agree with @Tabarnak

I like *Cara well enough as a name, but it doesn't honour either mother, let alone both, it just randomly uses some if the same letters.

not Irish 🤣🤣. Pronounced to rhyme with Lara/Tara.

I would definitely use a different name.

If you both love the name then use it

We don’t of course have to name our kids after anyone in the family but we should be allowed, without judgement, to choose a name we like

That’s what you’ve done
Just explain it to your mum. Don’t wait for her to comment first

Whereas my middle name is passed down through the generations & I love that. I'd equally have loved it if it was traditionally passed down through first names. 💁🏻‍♀️.

as it is I also love how I came to have my name (not in the family previously) & I've always liked it.

This

I love having family names passed down generations

I see both my first name and second name going back as far as I have traced my family tree into the 1750s
I love that
My first name is my dads mums name and my second name is both my mums and her mums name

Then I have a third name too. I’ve just found out it’s from a baby my mum had and was forced to give away, yhe name at least living on in me
My family live on in my names. I love that

Cara is a lovely name and perfect that it honours both DGM's names. You're onto a winner!

I'd find it odd and a bit favouritist to 'honour' a living grandparent with a name unless that side of the family had some very strong tradition of doing so; I'm presuming in all this MIL is still alive, as none of OP's posts clarify.

I think most people understand a child being named after a deceased grandparent, but when both sides are alive it could feel like a slight. I think the combo name is a nice idea potentially.

I love Cara as a name op

Just use whatever name you want.

This

Is there another name from your mum's family you could use? My mum has a quite rare Welsh name that she's always hated, but we used her mum's name as a middle name instead.

I wouldn't use your mils name either.
Just because you and your DH really like the name isn't a good enough reason, there are hundreds of other names to choose from.
If you that, your own DMs feelings could be hurt for a very long time; from when her friends and family ask why you would do that, to every time your DM says your child's name.

Im very level headed but would be hurt if my daughter did this and would think it equally hurtful to her mil if she named a child after me.( which she never would!)
Terrible idea.

I'm actually surprised that so many people would be upset about this. It wouldn't bother me at all (I've never liked my name. I wouldn't want a grand child burdened with it)

It’s a bit of a strange thing to be upset about and seems more about ego. Honouring one grandparent doesn’t take away from your love for the other three. We honour different people in different ways. It’s not a competition.

To me, this would be like a father being upset that his daughter chose to take her husband’s surname and give her children her husband’s surname. It’s equally as irrational and ego driven.

For the love of God, use another name and don’t invite drama. With the thousands of names available, you need to use your MIL’s?🤨, just pick something else unrelated to both of them. Make life drama free.

That is quite nice? Do you like it?

I'm guessing MIL is Lara or Laura?

Yes, just choose something different. Naming babies after relatives is a weird thing to do anyway, let the new baby be their own person not a 'copy' or memory of someone else.