Would using my mother-in-law's name upset my own mum?

[Dallief]

We're having our second child and plan on giving her the same name as DH's mum. I am worried that my mum is going to get upset when we announce, but I love my mum, and the decision isn't personal. I'm hoping that she'll understand. My mum has a strange name that is almost always misspelt and mispronounced. It is a diminutive/NN of another name that is never used in the UK but is rarely used in Spanish-speaking countries (that we have no connection to). I would never tell her this, but we just don't like the name much and don't want to burden our DC with a name like that. DH's mum has a name that is old-fashioned (dated) but easy to pronounce and spell. We both really like it. I have thought about making the middle name my mum's name, but I almost think that would be worse than not using it at all. Would you be upset if your child had done this?

Does your first child have a name that honours a family member?

Thank you for this. I hadn’t thought of it. Maybe Cara for a combination name? It combines the first letter of my mum’s name with the ending of my MIL’s name.

She has said that she hates the questions that she gets about her name.

Yes I would, but then I’m not a fan of sharing family names. Give the poor children their own identity.

That’s a good idea, I think honouring one and not the other is not good. You could have both as middle names, that’s what I did and give your child her very own name,

Although I wouldn't show it I would be upset and feel hurt if my DD gave her daughter her MILs name even if I didn't want her to use mine. It is probably irrational but it would upset me none the less.
It is such a personal thing to do and there are so many thousands of beautiful names out there that I would like her to use something original and not tied to her MIL.

Cara would be much better.

Honestly I think most women would be upset if their DGD was just given their other grandmothers name. It’s pretty insensitive.

I’d also be upset, I’d hide it, but it would make me feel upset. I suspect it would most. And if the ops child has kids, she will feel the same if it’s done to her,

It would upset me if it was me

I would pick another name entirely or try to mix their names together somehow

Yes, because shock horror, I love my MIL too.

Find another name or you will hurt and upset your mother. Not sure why you can't see this.

If you mix their names together then you aren't using the MIL's name that you love. So what's the point? You might as well pick a different name altogether. And yes, if you choose MIL's name you will upset your own mum, but really you already know that.

I think many are much too sensitive to perceived slights, but maybe I have a different view because I would never want my own name to be inflicted upon any of my grandchildren to spare my feelings. Surely (if she’s a sensible woman) she will understand why you would not want to give her grandchild a name that is difficult to live with and unusual for those of your ethnicity/nationality to have?

Sorry if this has been asked. Why are you honouring your MIL? Unless there is a very unique backstory, I fail to see how your own mum would not be upset.

No - give the baby their own name. What happens when/if you have another one in a couple of years? You’ll be under pressure to call that one your mums name if it’s a girl!

Try find another name
i am a granny and I’d have been a bit sad if my daughter had given her daughter get mils name

Depends if your DM likes her name I guess. My MIL, for example, hated her name and, way before we had DC, used to tell us to never saddle any future children with 'difficult' names.
I don't get this 'honour' thing though. If you allocate names by who you pay the most respect towards, then it would be offensive to choose one grandmother over the other. Not a custom I have seen used where I reside.

its going to upset her OP

Cara is a beautiful name, unusual but easy to spell and pronounce but I agree with another poster who said make sure you love it as much (if not more) than your original choice. Otherwise do just pick something neutral.

If your mum acknowledges the difficulties with her name, it might be worth having a conversation about it. My mum always said her (imo lovely) name was a pain in this country (ancient Scottish name and the name of an underworld tunnel city in lord of the rings!) but now she has passed I would use it in a heartbeat.

Unless MIL is dead then it would probably upset her. She might hide it from you, but I can't really see how she wouldn't be offended by you choosing to honour your child's other grandmother over her.

Don’t use either of their names. Choose something either no connections to either.

'Honour' both your MIL and your Mum in some other way if that is what you would like to do.

Kids deserve their own names, just for them. Not to be used as a vehicle for 'honouring ' others.

And especially don't do this if your children will have the same surname as your MIL.

Massive potential for confusion apart form anything else.

And yes, however brave a face she puts on, your Mum will feel sidelined.

Just choose another name that you both like.

Is there another female name or surname from your Mum’s family you could use to honour her?

I would never do that to my mum. There are millions of names to choose from and you have to use the name that will hurt your mother?

OP this is a terrible idea, your own mother may or may not tell you, but this is guaranteed to cause upset. The fact you are asking here is a big clue you already know this.
Choose another name & family harmony. You can honour both mothers in different ways.

This is a lovely idea and a lovely name