Unisex name regret

[Mumoftwo1316]

I think I might have (mild) ppd which is affecting how I feel about this.

My ds is 4mo and we just couldn't agree on a name for him for ages. Finally we found one we both liked enough.

It's a unisex name, not very common, but until say 20y ago it was a boy's name. Now it's fast on the rise as a girl's name and quite trendy, especially in the US.

We've had quite a few misunderstandings where people have thought he was a girl, mishearing when I've said "he" and just assuming from the name. I find myself choosing extra boyish looking baby clothes to try and prevent this, which is crazy, I never bothered with gendered clothing with my dd.

Dh says it's fine and he likes the name and it suits him.

I can't decide how I feel. There's a little road near where I live that happens to have the name "[ds's name] road" and it gives me a spark of joy when I drive past the sign - so does that mean I'm OK with the name? But my heart sinks every time I have to clarify with a friend or hcp who's just met him "oh he's a boy? I thought it was a girl"

Please don't ask me the name, I don'tthink I could bear a whole thread saying "yep I'd have assumed girl too"!

Name changed for this because I'm prolific on mumsnet but I'm ashamed of how I feel about this. Just needing a handhold really

Whaaaat? I’ve only ever met male Robins, never a female one. Reactions to names will vary between different regions and generations.

Eden?

@OnTheRoll , OP doesn't want to say what the name is, but it is something unisex, so probably something like Wren, Rowan, Esme, Eden, Noa etc

It is pronounced Kayleigh but I was pronouncing it as the Yorkshire town. No one corrected me until I was in a meeting with the person.

If I had not known that Keighley was 'Keithley', I'd guess it was 'Keeley', and would think the person was female. 'Keithley' sounds more masculine.
I'd never have guessed it was 'Kayley'.

Op, I just wanted to offer a handhold and a bit of solidarity.

Firstly, with both my children I had name wobbles. Both lasting till around two, but now I love their names.

Now my children's names are gendered, but unusual, so the conversation nearly always goes something like this:

What's their name?
(Unusual name, not made up name for this example lets use Arianne)
Oh Harry?
No Arianne
Sorry, hairy hands?
No Arianne. Anne for short.
Oh ok. Well what an unusual name. He's beautiful 🙃.

My point is that not getting the correct sex from the name is not unusual and not just happening to babies with unisex names. It happens all the time to babies with names outside the top 100. All babies look similar whether girls or boys until they have left babyhood behind and in my experience people are very rigid on the names they expect to hear.

Neither of mine have 'weird' names. Both from classical literature but the mishearings and misgenderings are hilarious and frequent.

I also think people are expecting babies to be rigidly in pink and blue and very gendered clothing. Someone told me off for putting my little girl in a blue dress because 'blue is for boys'. It wasn't an outlier. So if you dress your baby with any type of creativity it confuses people who rely on stereotypes.

Keep an eye on your feelings and do something to celebrate the name. Engraved yummikey, treasure box, door sign. I don't like customised clothes as a safeguarding issue, but anything to celebrate the name within the home will give you a lift.

Look up the meaning of names. I'm such a name geek, this can really help you fall in love with it. Get some artwork done along the lines of the name meaning.

Write it down in calligraphy, sing it to a tune you love, say it and play with rhymes and nicknames.

Your husband likes it. I don't think you'll have got it wrong. It's just a perspective thing. You'll get there.
X

Thank you very much and to everyone else who has commented. I'm feeling better now. It's reassuring that the worrying feeling went away for you in the end although it took a while.

It is a lovely name and I do like it. It's so nice to hear about all the Robins and Rowans (not my ds's name but I guess similar). Yes I do love the meaning and we have already got something in the house with his name on, to match something we have with dd's name on! So that's a nice tip. Dh also sings his name quite a bit. There's a chant about the sportsman that dh's mates sang to him on a video call. (How very blokey lol) Dd is always cooing his name at him and has made up nicknames already based on the name- like Robiny Bobbiny if his name was Robin!

I think maybe my feelings about the name are wrapped up in the feeling of him being a little stranger in the family, like I haven't got to know him yet. I'll get there in the end! Now I know I'm probably depressed, I'm actually way less worried about everything. I've been postpartum depressed before, way worse than this, and got better in about a year, so I know I can again, just gotta go through the getting-better process.

Glad you are feeling better op. Remember that a lot of what you are feeling will be largely hormonal, so it's not your fault if it takes a while and a natural process. Don't forget the obvious things, eat well, get out in the sunshine (when we have it) vitamin d etc.

Slightly off the topic but the occasional time people have called my baby boy "she" despite the fact(s) that he's referred to by me as a boy, has short plain hair (as in no bows or hairbands) and was dressed in blue from head to toe.

This to say that even if you do say "this is my boy Avery" (or whatever) and people say "ooh what a cute lil girl" it's just because people can be daft, not because the name is misinterpreted as female

https://www.yummikeys.com/collections/all/products/engraved-stainless-steel-feeding-necklace

The necklace I mentioned above by the way if anyone is interested :)

Robin is generally a male name (eg Robin Hood!), the female spelling is normally Robyn. However, whatever you think is unmanly is irrelevant here.

I've name changed for this thread as it's obviously outing to say this.

My son is called Ashley. We're in the UK and a couple of people were surprised when I named him and made jokes to my mum about her new granddaughter (knowing he was a boy)
However he's now at school and everyone accepts him as a boy called Ashley. He has been naturally nicknamed Ash by his friends and I'm sure the children in his class will associate the name with a boy because they're growing up knowing him.

I read your op and thought you might have given your child the same name because Ashley is more of a girl's name in America I think, so really wanted to comment and say it's been fine for my child in the UK. If it's not the same name I hope this is still a reassuring comment.

Thank you! It's not Ashley but that's a lovely name and I'm glad your son has got on well with it, and yes that's very reassuring!

I'd think Ashley was a boy, but if I knew Ashley was Scottish I'd think she was female.
Your mum needs new friends.

I would have assumed the same pronounciation as you

I really wouldn't worry about it, people get babies sex wrong all the time until they are older. Everyone always assumed my son was a girl because his name sounded like a popular female name (it is different, but only by one letter). People have to guess with babies. It didn't bother me at all. It was interesting though, as Improved strangers interact with baby girls much differently than baby boys. More gentle and forgiving. He got away with boisterous behaviour in a few baby groups I remember one mum saying 'that's right, you go girl! You stand up for yourself' when he pushed another young toddler. 🫣. You could probably come up with a more masculine nickname. Eg Ash for Ashley, Eli for Ellis, maybe Bran for Briar.

Taylor?

OP isn’t going to out herself by saying, or she would have said in the first place

@ridingfreely Please don't ask me the name, I don't think I could bear a whole thread saying "yep I'd have assumed girl too"!

Posting your guess of the name doesn't help the OP.

My bad I didn't read that bit. Reason for my saying Taylor is we have a boy in our family called Taylor and occasional people assume he is a girl - school, friends etc it's no issue

I wouldn't worry op names become them and soon I'm sure this worry will be long from your mind

I was listing to Adrian Edmonson desert island discs the other day and he was saying his name was mainly a girls name when he was young so every time he started at a new school he was always getting beaten up boys

Hopefully the world has moved on since then but kids can be a spiteful bunch if they want and are given a tiny reason

Hopefully you've given him a decent middle name which he can use if wants

I know a few people who use their middle names because they hated the given names

I also know people who have changed their name by de poll at secondary school because they hated it so much

So there are ways to get around it

I wondered if the name was Rowan. If so, it's definitely a name lots of boys/men have and it's lovely.

Edited: sorry, just saw your message above.