Unisex name regret

[Mumoftwo1316]

I think I might have (mild) ppd which is affecting how I feel about this.

My ds is 4mo and we just couldn't agree on a name for him for ages. Finally we found one we both liked enough.

It's a unisex name, not very common, but until say 20y ago it was a boy's name. Now it's fast on the rise as a girl's name and quite trendy, especially in the US.

We've had quite a few misunderstandings where people have thought he was a girl, mishearing when I've said "he" and just assuming from the name. I find myself choosing extra boyish looking baby clothes to try and prevent this, which is crazy, I never bothered with gendered clothing with my dd.

Dh says it's fine and he likes the name and it suits him.

I can't decide how I feel. There's a little road near where I live that happens to have the name "[ds's name] road" and it gives me a spark of joy when I drive past the sign - so does that mean I'm OK with the name? But my heart sinks every time I have to clarify with a friend or hcp who's just met him "oh he's a boy? I thought it was a girl"

Please don't ask me the name, I don'tthink I could bear a whole thread saying "yep I'd have assumed girl too"!

Name changed for this because I'm prolific on mumsnet but I'm ashamed of how I feel about this. Just needing a handhold really

Unisex names, I associate Sascha as a male name, others think female. I think of Tracey being female name but have met a male called Tracey and also a male Valerie. If you choose a unisex name it’s probably normal to have to correct on occasions. But if you like the name why change it, your child will have the option to use middle name if they prefer to later on, but they probably won’t.

Really depends on the name.

Is there a possibility of shortening/altering it - eg Robin to Robbie?

PPD is so hard - especially when you’ve got an older child as well as the baby to care for. Hope you’ve had a lovely sleep now and wake up to all these (mostly) reassuring comments and feel a little better today. Misgendering is so common with babies because they don’t look like their sex until later on, so it’s all in the name - when he’s older and obviously a boy, it won’t be an issue.

There's plenty of people who have misunderstandings, Alexandras/Alexanders who go by Alex, even Chris, Stef, Charlie etc. I wouldn't worry about it ❤️

My husband actually has a name that his parents considered unisex - until I’d met him I’d only known it as a female name and never realised males were called it to. Turns out his best friend also has the same name (maybe they bonded over it 🤷🏻‍♀️😂)

He does quite often get questioned on his name, or if we go somewhere booked in his name people will often assume it’s me. But it happens, we have a laugh about it and we move on. My husband could go by his middle name, or even his initials would be a normal nickname but he doesn’t. Although the isn’t the biggest fan of his name, it’s HIS name and he wouldn’t change it.

If you both love the name I wouldn’t change it. As PP’s have said, he may have to correct people but it takes a second and then it wouldn’t need to be done again. If there’s options to use his middle or shortening then that solves the problem, if he does choose that is something he wants to do.

Really surprised at this (unhelpful) comment
Robin still feels much more male than female to me. Maybe partly because it shortens to Rob, partly because it's only extremely recently been used for girls and partly because I know more boys than girls with the name. Kim is from a totally different era, like Shirley on a man

Good morning all and thank you so much for your comments... I tearfully woke dh after logging off with "I think I'm depressed again" and he was a bit like "I know, I'm so sorry, what can I do to help" and that's when I realised I've been talking about death a lot again like I did last time I had ppd. This issue is absolutely the canary in the coalmine as pp said! Usually I would tag you all and say thank you but I'm a bit bewildered this morning but please consider yourself tagged and thanked.

In terms of the name, dh and I agreed that we both do still like it, and he sorted of nodded along to my list of other options ds could have if he didn't like it as a man (middle name, masculine shortening etc). This was all whispered at 4am - could it have waited till morning or not happened at all? Yes, yes it could (facepalm).

In terms of the depression, I did get better in the end through a combination of strategies including counselling so I'm going to go back and initiate the process again.

Fretting about my son's name in the middle of the night was a wake up call and no mistake!

I'm honestly so grateful to you all for commenting. As it happens, no one has guessed the name but it's been really nice to read anecdotes of men you know with stereotypical feminine names. Thinking about it, I think I think of the name as a man's because it is indisputably a man's in a European country that is part of my mixed heritage. There's a famous male sportsman with the name. But in English it has a feminine sound. And (unexpectedly for me) it's become trendy in the US for a girl. Thank you all for reassuring me that the name will become "his". Dh says it already has, for him.

I'm going to initiate the get-better-from-ppd protocol this week! This isn't the first time mumsnet has helped me out in a big way. Xx

I have a friend who has just called her DS Rowan and is finding the same that some people are thinking he’s a girl, I always knew it was a unisex name but thought it was more common on boys than girls so I would always assume boy but obviously some people assume girl.

With a unisex name there will always be some people who lean more to thinking it’s a name suited to more to either a boy/ girl, probably based on who they’ve known in the past with the name. If it’s not a commonly used name some people may have only know 1 person with the name before your DS, if that person was a girl they’ll see it as a female name even if actually it’s more common on boys. This will be the case whatever the name; I always thought Alex was a girls name because I had a female classmate called Alex in primary school and didn’t meet a boy until I was in my teens even though the name is obviously more popular for boys across the general population. I also think it’s probably easy to hyper fixate on any time people mistake him for a girl and ignore the times people thought boy and so you only remember the people who thought girl. That doesn’t mean most people think it’s a girls name, just that you only remember those people. I expect lots of people think boy when they hear the name too but you’re not focusing on all of them. With a unisex name there will always be people who get it wrong, if DS had been a DD and you’d given the same name o bet you’d be noticing all the people who assumed she was a boy from the name.

Also your DS is still a baby and people is-sex babies all the time. My 8mo niece has an obviously female name (think Poppy/ Daisy etc) and even when dressed in pink or a dress still gets called ‘he’ by some people commenting on her when out and about, I think because the pram is blue and she doesn’t have much hair yet people just seem to glance at her and assume boy!

As a mum to a special needs kid, I am so glad that he has a ‘normal’ name for a boy of his generation. You never know how your kids turn out. He may be the cool kid who can pull a name off, but if he was a special needs boy called Hilary, it would make social acceptance so much harder.

What matters is how he finds his name in 5/10/20/30 years, not how much you and DH like the name. He has to live with it everyday. In 20 years, the name may be known 100% as a girl’s name like Hilary, Evelyn and Meredith.

Why not swap the first and middle names around? It’s really not a big deal to change names in the first year.

My husband has a friend called Robin. He was given the nickname Budgie ( get it) at school. He loves it and that is how he is known.His wife calls him Robin. Its a perfectly normal name.

OP, I’m sorry you are feeling so low, and I hope you get on an even keel soon. Congratulations on your baby 💙

My friends and I were at a quiz the other day, and the ‘list’ round was to name as many unisex names as we could. And I realised that almost all of them were actually really nice names. It was also obvious that the whole list could be used for both male and female.

Whatever the name, I’m sure it’s lovely. But remember any name will divide opinion, otherwise we’d all be called the same!!!

If it's Jude it's lovely for a boy.

Aww I think you're worrying unnecessarily. So many names are become gender neutral. Jordan maybe the most popular but I've seen boys and girls with names like Harley, Bailey, Mason. It'll be all fine

It’s great to hear that you have a supportive husband.

Dont change your son’s name if you both love it. People will learn they are a boy quickly.

I think a lot of Americans think Ashley is only a girls name but there were 3 male Ashley’s in my year at school. I also used to think Luca was a girls name only as I knew one from school but now it’s an incredibly popular boys name.

My son has an unusual name that we do love but slightly hesitated with just because it's fairly unusual. Never considered it a "unisex" name and there's even a male tv character with the name.

I still get the odd person say "she" as they assume the name is a girl's name eg if I'm giving the name when booking something! It's their mistake, as a pp said, forgotten in seconds.

I know male Kims, Robins, Jordans, Jesses, and it's never occurred to me to think they have a girl's name. I always thought Jude and Kim were very cool names. And if it's Stellan then that was on our list!

I have a boy, he has a very male name. Every stranger I met thought he was a girl until around 2.5!! I honestly wouldn’t worry, babies are just babies, they don’t care about people calling them a boy or a girl!!

Op, I am glad you are talking to DH and getting the help you need

I think he is called Ashley, which to me is obviously a boys name.
And on the couple of occasions I've met baby girl Ashleys I have been surprised its a girl.
Honestly though OP I think it feels like an issue for you know because everything feels enormous when you are tired with babies and toddlers but as he grows this will feel less of a problem.

I have a 'unisex' name but over 34 years ago times were very different and it was mentioned a lot - but by adults not kids.

I picked a unisex name for my first, it's unusual in the UK for their gender but it's really common in another country. Had no issues in school about it, I had a few looks when they were a baby but more in a way that they'd assumed I'd named my child after a really popular film at the time rather than it being a name for the opposite sex.

My second child has a gendered name, and as a baby when I told someone their name they'd still mix their gender up so mishearing he/she etc. please take no notice those people are just being polite asking for their name because they want to nosey at your baby.

Well done for speaking with your husband (time of day does not matter!) and I hope you feel better soon.

My DD has a girls name, no confusion (think Jennifer, Sophie etc), and when as a baby dressed in pink/dresses etc you'd still get people going "ah what a bonnie wee lad" or "awww, what's he called?" Etc.

The only adult Robins I know are both male. It's just a question of what you're used to.

I've taught so many kids for so long that I'm really used to unisex names. Including lots that have become unisex over the years. It's the 150 different spellings of them all that confuse me.

You sound like a lovely Mummy OP and I’m so glad your husband is supportive (even at 4am)! Counselling strategies sound great, I hope you make a good recovery in your mood and have lots of cuddles with your little one xx

This will happen if you give your child a unisex name, change it to something else as it is clearly bothering you.