To want to choose my babies own name?!

[Blossomflo]

I’m married to a south Italian man. We are expecting a baby boy and he insists the baby should have his fathers first name (a very common traditional name). This would mean DS would have the exact first and last name as my FIL. This is a strong tradition in the south of Italy and my FIL has been telling me randomly at dinners and things for the last 10 years my future son will be named after him.
I am more than happy to give the baby his name as a middle name, plus the surname, but want to choose a different first name. I feel that this is a sexist tradition that disregards woman’s opinions and I feel strongly my child should have his own identity. My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.
The problem is my husband says going against this tradition would be a huge sign of disrespect and would upset him and his father so much. He brings up how much his dad has done for him and also how much he is supporting us now. I feel completely torn as I don’t want to cause upset and resentment towards me, but also don’t want to grow up feeling resentful that I was forced to name my child something I didn’t want. Help!

[favouriteyellowsocks]

Could you give him the name officially but a middle name you want and just always refer to him as the middle name?
It's obviously a big deal to your husband's family and despite having the knee jerk reaction of thinking of course you should name your baby what you want.. there's quite a big tradition there to contend with.

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing and this really should have been discussed before you got pregnant. No way would I agree to this.

But, that's not much help now. If he isn't prepared compromise with you, can you imagine how the next 18 years are going to be?

Tell him that since he didn't create the baby by himself, your feelings will be taken into consideration. And since he isn't carrying and birthing said baby, he needs to show you considerably more respect that he is at the moment.

[PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister]

Honestly? I think this is one of those things you have to go with. You knew this was the case before you hot married - if you’ve been having these discussions for a decade this isn’t a surprise to you.

also, your wishes for a name don’t usurp your husbands wishes.

is this the hill you want to die on? Presumably there’s no rules for subsequent children, so your DH has named the first and you can name the next?

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

Just curious, is your DH named after his grandfather?

[PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister]

My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.

The OP says yes!

[wisherwasher]

Stick to your guns and say no. My FIL is Greek and expected our son to be called after his father, he wasn't. My DH and I choose the name we wanted not what was expected.

They will have to get over it and if they don't it's their problem not yours.

[MarshyMcMarshFace]

My DH has never in his life been called or addressed by the name on his birth certificate. Nor any shortening or Nick name if it.

Give your Ds the trad name as his ceremonial first name, give him the middle name you like and always call him the middle name. At school, to friends , all relatives except the PILs.

When he is old enough and you visit the ILs tell your Ds that it is his name for Italy that his grandparents call him.

[SliceOfCakeCupOfTea]

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister

My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.

The OP says yes!

Ah sorry, I completely missed that line!

[Appleofmyeye2023]

As someone says, go with name as his official, but use a middle name of your choosing

My ex was like this. His fathers name, and grandads , handed down in every frigging generation. But his mum insisted, that whilst that was his official birth cert name, he was always ever known by his middle name of her choosing. it call in this day and age, be quite useful to have a name just used for official and legal docs, and another by everyone else in terms of personal detail and identity threat. I do same with my married and maiden name now I’m divorced.

or you can take the battle on. But it could have untold repercussions

[WoolyMammoth55]

At those 10 years of dinners when your FIL said your son would have his name, what did you say?!

It's crazy that you've been told for a decade that this is a huge deal for them and only now you're pregnant are suddenly realising that they weren't kidding...?

Families are about compromise. In your shoes I'd let them have the names on the birth certificate and then try to negotiate with your DH that the nickname/ middle name will be what you're calling him every day...

Otherwise the harsh truth is that you should have got pregnant by someone else/ used donor sperm.

[Soverymuchfruit]

You need to gently explain to your DH that, within your culture, dictating to the mother what her child's name must be, without allowing her any input, is also a huge sign of disrespect. And so he needs to let go of what "must" be and instead have a proper conversation with you, and accept that this (including whether or not you use FIL's name) will be a joint decision between the two of you.

[WestendVBroadway]

As above, your DS's official name could be 'Grandfather ' but he can always be known as whatever your choice is. However , I am not sure I would let my husband force me to name our child something I wasn't keen on. You carry the child for 9 months, you get a say in the name.

[wisherwasher]

@WoolyMammoth55

At those 10 years of dinners when your FIL said your son would have his name, what did you say?!

It's crazy that you've been told for a decade that this is a huge deal for them and only now you're pregnant are suddenly realising that they weren't kidding...?

Families are about compromise. In your shoes I'd let them have the names on the birth certificate and then try to negotiate with your DH that the nickname/ middle name will be what you're calling him every day...

Otherwise the harsh truth is that you should have got pregnant by someone else/ used donor sperm.

At those 10 years of dinners I'd have been telling the father in law that I have my own names for my child when he or she is born.

[Canyousewcushions]

This seems to be quite common in Scotland as well- a LOT of people go by their middle names where they've got a traditional family name as their official first name. I wasn't aware of it being such common custom when I've stayed in other parts of the UK.

I'd probably give him the first name after FIL, then give him a middle name you love and use the middle name.

Or if there's a derivative of FILs name that you like, aim to use that (I.e. I know a whole family of Elizabeth's but they are l
Lizzie, Eliza,Betty, Lisa, Beth etc etc- no-one goes by the same name as anyone else)

[Pumpkindoodles]

In my family it’s not sexist because the first daughter takes the maternal grandmothers name too.
some families go further so first son is paternal grandfather, second son is maternal grandfather, first daughter is maternal grandmother and second daughter is paternal grandmother
The parents only get to choose a name if they have more than 2 of the same sex
however I understand it’s frustrating if you want to choose your own
could you choose a middle name and just call the baby that? I’d consider it if they are really supportive and otherwise lovely.
Obviously you don’t have to name your baby anything you don’t want though and this is also a potential sign that DH expects his family traditions and wants as more important than yours, which would bother me.

[Whatsthepoint1234]

Like pp my dh doesn’t use his birthname, he uses an Anglicised version of our surname that sounds nothing like his first name. If that were me I’d have his name as a middle name since the dc will already have this surname and go by the opinion that if he’s a good man, he’ll accept it was your decision and maintain a relationship with his son.

[WoolyMammoth55]

@wisherwasher

At those 10 years of dinners I'd have been telling the father in law that I have my own names for my child when he or she is born.

Yes exactly - in which cast the whole thing would have been hashed out 10 years ago and presumably by now there'd be no expectation that OP would go along with it?

Have to assume she just nodded and smiled along for 10 years, and that's why they are all so upset now the day has arrived (which if it's true is - sorry but - VERY foolish).

[Whataretheodds]

My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.

Are they all known by that name? Or middle names, or nicknames?

[Blossomflo]

@WoolyMammoth55 well imagine your FIL (before he even was!) telling you in a very direct way (in another language) in front of tables of people that your future child will be named after him), I just kind of laughed awkwardly and made no direct response. Before of course telling my husband that absolutely would not be happening in the car on the way home! 😂
It isn’t a shock, it’s just crunch time let’s say!

[howrudeforme]

I was married to a rural southern Italian man for years. Happily divorced this month.

had same thing. If you live there could consider it but if you live here why does his traditions trump yours? Assuming dc will have dad’s surname?

so, we called DS a name that exists in both countries and have nonno’s name as one of his middle names. There was no way he was going to be called Luigi. Besides ds is multicultural (on my side) and ultimately living in UK with UK life.

I also refused baptism and I was absolutely right to.

doesn’t make DS any less Italian in my view (might do in their’s). Most important things are to love the baby, ensure they are integrated with all family, they speak Italian and get an EU passport.

good luck!

[Blossomflo]

@Whataretheodds Some are nicknamed slightly differently (think Mike or Mikey). None have middle names (it’s not common in south Italy). My FIL in fact told me the child must not have a middle name, only his two names!!! Obviously I’ll be ignoring this part.

I think that you are all right that giving him the name we want as a middle name and calling him that. We do actually live in Italy (the north where this tradition is less common now) but will just use the first name when in the south maybe…
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate the input.

[BadBadDecisions]

Nope to this. My husband wanted to name our son after his grandfather, and I was not having it. I think people deserve their own name, not just a direct copy of someone else's.

It's such a boring way of thinking.

[mycoffeecup]

@Blossomflo

@WoolyMammoth55 well imagine your FIL (before he even was!) telling you in a very direct way (in another language) in front of tables of people that your future child will be named after him), I just kind of laughed awkwardly and made no direct response. Before of course telling my husband that absolutely would not be happening in the car on the way home! 😂
It isn’t a shock, it’s just crunch time let’s say!

So when this happened, did you have a discussion with your husband to be, to make sure that he would be on your side? Because of course you don't have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem, if he won't stand up to them.

[mycoffeecup]

sorry I've just seen that you did talk about it in the car on the way home. Did your fiance reassure you that he would of course stand up to his parents? or was he wishywashy even then?

[Inertia]

I would not be gestating a child for 9 months to follow my FIL’s orders about what to call it.

FIL named his own child . You can name your child - having FIL’s name as a middle name is plenty.

It sounds like you took your husband’s family name on marriage, so the baby will already have his family name.

Don’t be a doormat.