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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

To want to choose my babies own name?!

84 replies

Blossomflo · 21/08/2023 15:43

I’m married to a south Italian man. We are expecting a baby boy and he insists the baby should have his fathers first name (a very common traditional name). This would mean DS would have the exact first and last name as my FIL. This is a strong tradition in the south of Italy and my FIL has been telling me randomly at dinners and things for the last 10 years my future son will be named after him.
I am more than happy to give the baby his name as a middle name, plus the surname, but want to choose a different first name. I feel that this is a sexist tradition that disregards woman’s opinions and I feel strongly my child should have his own identity. My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.
The problem is my husband says going against this tradition would be a huge sign of disrespect and would upset him and his father so much. He brings up how much his dad has done for him and also how much he is supporting us now. I feel completely torn as I don’t want to cause upset and resentment towards me, but also don’t want to grow up feeling resentful that I was forced to name my child something I didn’t want. Help!

OP posts:

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ActDottie · 21/08/2023 16:44

Just give it as a middle name and tell FIL it’s his first name. How often do you see them anyway? If not that often then I think this would work fine.

Fraaahnces · 21/08/2023 16:46

“I’m not Italian. It’s not my tradition.”

Onelifeonly · 21/08/2023 16:46

favouriteyellowsocks · 21/08/2023 15:45

Could you give him the name officially but a middle name you want and just always refer to him as the middle name?
It's obviously a big deal to your husband's family and despite having the knee jerk reaction of thinking of course you should name your baby what you want.. there's quite a big tradition there to contend with.

This. All my husband's family are known by their middle names anyway.

ImABox · 21/08/2023 16:49

Oh fuck no.
Not even the naming him to appease family and then using the middle name. As you know your DH will bend to pressure and use the FIL name full time and your kid will be called that.
Patriarchal and tradition bullshit. Although my ND brain doesn’t follow social niceties and having to respect your elders when they are not nice to you!

Summermeadowflowers · 21/08/2023 16:54

I can sympathise with this @Blossomflo as I’d probably have a similar reaction!

Middle names … I don’t know. I have always been known by my middle name and it is a real headache in various contexts - I wouldn’t choose to do it to a child to be honest. But I have a ‘difficult’ name generally.

backbritishfarming · 21/08/2023 16:54

My DH was insistent on calling our son his name as it would have made the 5th (maybe 6th actually) generation of it. He was also adamant that our daughter would be called his grandmother's first name. Neither are bad but anything for an easy life I had the same thought as many on here, use a middle name and actually call the child that. As it happens we weren't lucky enough to have either so didn't get his way anyway.

Hope you manage to come to a compromise OP, I'd be getting my words in now if you're thinking of having any more ie a girl that he wants to call after his mother/aunt/grandmother.

RibertRobertRibert · 21/08/2023 16:56

If you couldn't handle standing up for yourself before naming the baby how about afterwards?

For 10 YEARS your FIL and your DP have said that they expect this to happen

For 10 YEARS you've said nothing except to your partner secretly that you don't want this to happen, and your partner didn't sway

For 10 YEARS you knew this would happen

Why are you having a kid with him?

I don't pity you.

I would use the name, Italian names are beautiful.

howrudeforme · 21/08/2023 17:02

If you live there you may as well (unless he’s got a horrible name) and the compromise is that you have two middle names of your choice even though it’s not common there?

best of luck.

NewName122 · 21/08/2023 17:06

Depends how awful the name is 😬 my child would be Ian if I did this. No way was I having a baby Ian.

AvocadosAreHighCalorie · 21/08/2023 17:08

This is one reason you have to be careful marrying different cultures of religions.
Your husband and his family were explicit that this was non negotiable for them. For 100s of years it has been a naming tradition within their family. Had he married an Italian woman it would probably continue.

Their naming tradition is more culturally important to them than your right to select a first name. Your right to select a first name as a free woman is more important to you than their naming tradition.

You and your husband both knew this but decided to continue so its his fault as much as yours that you're bumping heads over this. Don't let everyone place the blame on you.

I really don't know what to say but you both made your bed... how do you compromise on this?

Carouselfish · 21/08/2023 17:13

You know what, at the start of life with dd1, I would have felt the same as you. I almost didn't want any input whatsoever from.anyone and I leveraged the heck out of the fact I was giving dd his surname so I had sway with the first. By dd2 I let him choose the name as I was stuck.
My point is, if you don't HATE the name, having a name you don't kind and a name which means the world to your dh isn't the end of the world. It won't stop your child being an individual.It will give him strong roots. And, you can go to town on his middle ones.
And you've got a ton of leverage for the next dc.

InvertedSugarMamma · 21/08/2023 17:15

Too little too late. Just use the name and give him a nickname or call him by a middle name. Sounds like you've otherwise got a supportive FIL. Worse things have happened.

agent765 · 21/08/2023 17:19

Yeah, bollocks to that.

My niece married a half-Italian who insisted on the same thing. He buggered off and divorced her when their child was 4.

Name your child what you want to.

Holly60 · 21/08/2023 17:24

Blossomflo · 21/08/2023 16:25

@Whataretheodds Some are nicknamed slightly differently (think Mike or Mikey). None have middle names (it’s not common in south Italy). My FIL in fact told me the child must not have a middle name, only his two names!!! Obviously I’ll be ignoring this part.

I think that you are all right that giving him the name we want as a middle name and calling him that. We do actually live in Italy (the north where this tradition is less common now) but will just use the first name when in the south maybe…
Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate the input.

I think that's an excellent compromise OP and you are giving your DS some options for when he is an adult, which is great.

He will probably appreciate having a name that follows his family's traditions AND like having his own unique name too.

Congratulations on your new baby

Screamingabdabz · 21/08/2023 17:26

You ‘laughed awkwardly’? Well you’ve only got yourself to blame then. But please at least raise your son to respect women and not dictate what they should and shouldn’t do.

CurlewKate · 21/08/2023 17:30

I do like naming traditions. If I were you, I'd give him a middle name and use that. It's not uncommon in Italy to do it that way.

bert3400 · 21/08/2023 17:32

This would piss me right off. You've carried this child, delivered this child and are going to raise him, then some bloke (ok DH father) in Italy gets to name him ...no fucking way . With all my boys it was a equally mutual decision apart from the last one ...I picked his name, fortunately my DH agreed ( he would of been foolish not too) 😂

GeorgiaGirl52 · 21/08/2023 17:32

Our family isn't Italian but the tradition is the same. All first-born sons were named after their father. For example: Charles Fordham Sr (Charles)
Charles Fordham Jr. (Charlie) Charles Fordham III (Trey) Charles Fordham IV(Chip) Charles Fordham V (Young Charlie). Young Charlie's wife finally ended it with twins - Charlotte and Charlene.
Names were changed to protect the real people.

RaidFlySpray · 21/08/2023 17:37

I get what pp are saying about using a middle name, but it's just kicking the naming problem down another generation isn't it. I hope your DH isn't going to put any pressure on your children to name their kids after him!

RoseMarigoldViolet · 21/08/2023 17:39

What happens with subsequent children that you might have? Does your first daughter have to be named after your husband’s mother?

Beamur · 21/08/2023 17:45

Fwiw I know quite a few people who use their middle name rather than their first name. For various reasons.
How much does it really matter?
Yes, it's a silly tradition to you, but an important one to the family this child is part of.

Caroldear · 21/08/2023 17:54

My brother is not called Herbert, I am not Gertrude.
The sky did not fall in.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 21/08/2023 17:58

my mum’s family is also from Southern Italy. None of us received the first names of any parents / grandparents. People got over it.

They would do the same in your case. IF you and your DH stick together…

all my older (many already defunct) Italian relatives have middle names afaik.
The younger generation is much more likely to forego a middle name in my experience, it therefore does not seem traditional (at all!) to me…

give the son a different first name and use the family name as a middle name
do not use any family names.
give your son the traditional first name. But your surname!

You could tell your DH that number 1 and 3 already are a compromise. And that you won’t continue to be in such a giving / conciliatory mood if he’ll continue to push.

Workingmumchaos · 21/08/2023 18:01

I only found out a few years ago that my dads name was something entirely different 😂 turns out same as his dads (my grandads). He was always known by his middle name to everyone - to the point that no one even knew what his real name was!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 21/08/2023 18:01

CurlewKate · 21/08/2023 17:30

I do like naming traditions. If I were you, I'd give him a middle name and use that. It's not uncommon in Italy to do it that way.

Using the middle name in everyday life only works if the child’s father agrees with and actively supports that decision.

doesn’t seem particularly likely this case, unfortunately…

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