To want to choose my babies own name?!

[Blossomflo]

I’m married to a south Italian man. We are expecting a baby boy and he insists the baby should have his fathers first name (a very common traditional name). This would mean DS would have the exact first and last name as my FIL. This is a strong tradition in the south of Italy and my FIL has been telling me randomly at dinners and things for the last 10 years my future son will be named after him.
I am more than happy to give the baby his name as a middle name, plus the surname, but want to choose a different first name. I feel that this is a sexist tradition that disregards woman’s opinions and I feel strongly my child should have his own identity. My husband for example has the exact same name as all of his male cousins and grandad.
The problem is my husband says going against this tradition would be a huge sign of disrespect and would upset him and his father so much. He brings up how much his dad has done for him and also how much he is supporting us now. I feel completely torn as I don’t want to cause upset and resentment towards me, but also don’t want to grow up feeling resentful that I was forced to name my child something I didn’t want. Help!

Genius

The parents only get to choose a name if they have more than 2 of the same sex
however I understand it’s frustrating if you want to choose your own
could you choose a middle name and just call the baby that? I’d consider it if they are really supportive and otherwise lovely
Says who? The parents absolutely 'get to choose' their own child's name!

Fil name your child? I don’t think so. How outrageous.

Op, have you ever heard the phrase, ‘begin as you mean to go on’ ?

If you give in to this, your fil will be running your marriage via your husband for decades.

Do not, I repeat, do not do what fil says, for the sake of keeping the peace. (Is your husband expecting a huge inheritance some day or something, or is he just putting his father before you?)

Do not settle for middle name. If you do, you will have just capitulated to their demand for your obedience in all things, not just names. This is not a small thing. This is your child. Your child. Not fil’s.

You need to assert your authority now or you won’t be able to later. There will be other things they will expect you to give in to if you capitulate to this.

As PP said, don't be a doormat. It's not "Italian culture" to do this, and your child is supposed be being raised with YOUR culture as well as that of Italy.

At most, I'd give the Sacred Family Name as a middle name. I do NOT recommend doing this bloody weird thing of giving someone an official first name and then calling them by their middle name - this will cause no end of administrational headaches.

If you live in the north and plan on staying there calling your DS a very traditional old man southern Italian name, like Salvatore or Ciro, will mark him out as being “terrone”. It shouldn’t matter but depending on where you are exactly sometimes it does. Less obvious are other names used a lot in the south like Michele, Gabriele etc. but which tend to be more universal. If your FIL is called something religious and horrendous like Pellegrino your DS will spend a lifetime inventing nicknames for himself so he won’t have to reveal his name.

is the name in question a saint’s name? If so that can be his baptism name, to be wheeled out at religious occasions only, and you use the name you want. My aunt had a modern, non saint name so got given a second name for baptism and first communion purposes only. I only found out about it at her funeral, she kept it hidden all her life.

I always knew this was suggested to my mother by her MIL 60 years ago.
It’s only now that I have started doing some in-depth ancestry research I can see that this naming tradition went back as far as I have been able to find (over 200 years).
Like the above poster said:
paternal grandfather maternal grandmother, maternal grandfather , paternal grandmother. Then the parents own names( if not already occurring among grandparents).
In think I would have been better off with the strong traditional name I would have had under this tradition rather than the name my Mum chose in the sixties.

I'd go off and register the birth on my own if he's going to be an arse about it. Grandad can have the middle name if it's a nice name.

Also, if your FIL has a difficult to pronounce name for British tongues it’s best avoided. When I had my DD we needed to find a name that was phonetically the same in both Italian and English, for eg. Emma, to avoid mispronunciations. That alone is a reason to avoid this shit tradition.

Now it has been decreed that a child can take either surname from married parents, so unless yours is something unpronounceable for the Italians I would do that. Lots of famous Italians with Anglo surnames (eg. Actor Luca Ward, that magistrato with an English name, another actor whose name escapes me right now etc.).

Some (nonsensical patriarchal) traditions are meant to be thrown into the garbage can. Using the same name through the generations served a purpose in times past but not anymore.

In my husband's culture his dad chooses the name for any grandkids. I told him that he and I are the ones choosing the first name but I would be open to let his dad choose the middle name as long as my DH agrees on the name. Is it absolutely not possible to have his dad's name as the middle name?

I wouldn’t do it - I’d use his father’s name as a middle name

But you could do it and just use the MN as a day to day name to keep the peace

(But why should you keep the peace? And why should your baby’s name be dictated before he’s born? It’s batshit)

"Dh if you wanted a docile, compliant wife, you'd have married someone else. It's a no, and you'll have to deal with your dad if he's unreasonable about it"

@RibertRobertRibert I’m not looking for pity, so that is okay, just opinions, which have been really helpful so thank you all 🙏.

To be clear, I am very strong minded (too much probably!), so have held down my corner on many topics over the years. I didn’t ‘secretly’ discuss it with my husband. The conversation doesn’t regard his FIL. It is us having a baby, so that’s why we’ve discussed it extensively over the years. My concerns are on how best to respect DH’s wishes, without sacrificing my own beliefs.

As previous posters said, my concerns are the patriarchal aspect as well as passing on the problem to the next generation. It makes me sad to know his mum had zero say in naming her son, I know she had a name she wanted to call him. Although my husband is much more open minded and wouldn’t ever force something on our children like his dad would.

Thank you all for such interesting thoughts, especially helpful those who have had similar experiences. It’s amazing how polar opposite people’s opinions on the situation can be! Some of these comments made me laugh so much.

We will read through these together and hopefully be able to find a middle ground before baby is born 💛. I’ll update you all haha.

So funny, I’ve said this many times over the years!

This is really interesting, why do you feel your have preferred the traditional name after all?

This is a great point. Fortunately it’s universal (think top 5 boys names in Italy). However, I’d he had been called Pellegrino, that may have made the decision much easier! 😂

Thank you for sharing this. This was literally going to be my next question. I think that could potentially be confusing for his sense of identity. Especially since both names will inevitably be pronounced differently in the two countries, meaning he could feel he has four names! 😵‍💫😂

Thank you @backbritishfarming. I’m so sorry to hear that. I can understand your thoughts about keeping an easy life.
Thankfully it’s only the first born male, they don’t seem to bothered by girls luckily! Unless it seems if you have 3 girls, then the 3rd would be named after the grandfather anyway!

None of the top 5 names is horrible. I'd just roll with it.

That’s just ridiculous. You don’t have to follow any tradition if you don’t want to. Just like you don’t have to be apart of any religion if you don’t want to. No offense but your husband’s parents have too much entitlement if they if they think they can force you to name the baby that you carried for nine months and will have to raise for the next 18+ years and call him by his name for his whole life. Choose the name that you truly love. Don’t feel forced to settle for something that your heart isn’t called to. Your son deserves his own unique name. I come from a culture where it’s a common tradition to name every girl Maria just to call her by her middle name. Now that’s just ridiculous in my opinion. He will have his father’s surname in the long run, he doesn’t need to take his first name to. Give yourself a little bit of credit and dignity. Stand your grand. X

My son is named after my fil. It's quite a common name. It's husbands middle name and bils 1st name. When we go on holiday it's really hard when they say where is William Wales (obviously that's not the name) then 3 of them answer. But my daughter is named after both my DM and mil. We are quite traditional though. My DS middle name is after my DB and my DDs middle name is version of both our DGM. I say go with the tradition but name him a middle name and call him that.

Ahh hope it’s matteo quite like that name (misses point of thread completey)

Looking at the names that have come down through the generations they are timeless unlike a name that defines people of a certain age or generation and has since gone out of favour.