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Baby’s last name?!

102 replies

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:13

So me and my boyfriend are currently trying for a baby. We aren’t married and don’t plan on it any time soon, we would just rather spend our money on other things!
My problem is the future baby’s last name. I would be happy for the baby to have his last name although I really would like to have the same last name as my child so not sure how to get around it. As far as double barrelling, our last names are both two syllables but they just don’t sound right together! Would love to hear what other people have done!

OP posts:
iex · 01/06/2022 19:18

Have your name
Every. Single. Bloody. Time

We aren’t married and don’t plan on it any time soon, we would just rather spend our money on other things!
You don't have to spend a lot on a wedding, sounds like a wet excuse to me

girlmom21 · 01/06/2022 19:20

You can get married for legal purposes without the big wedding.

How does he feel about baby having your name?

TulipsGarden · 01/06/2022 19:24

Give the baby your name. Your relationship with the man is more likely to end that your relationship with your child.

If you get married in future and decide to change your name to his, you can change your child's name too. Or just keep your name forever.

ThisIsNotARealAvo · 01/06/2022 19:25

If you're not getting married give the baby your name. If you want to be married, do it cheaply and change your name or double barrel - I'm sure it doesn't sound as bad as you think. I teach lots of kids with names like Sam Wilson Jackson and no one bats an eyelid.

I know this thread isn't about this but don't become a SAHM if you're not married, you risk being left with nothing if you split up and you've given up your career as well. Meanwhile the ex husband has continued working with no breaks and pension etc intact.

Don't want to derail thread but this is happening to two friends atm.

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 19:26

You should always give your child(ren) your own surname, with or without the father's surname in addition (as a middle name or as a double-barrelled surname).

As for having children without being married - what's the housing situation, do you have a joint mortgage/tenancy? Do you intend to split parental leave and both take equal time off work to look after baby? Will you both be going back to work full time, and sharing equal responsibility for childcare drop offs / pick ups and taking time off if baby can't go to childcare for whatever reason?

If your name is not on the mortgage/tenancy and/or if you intend to make any career sacrifices in order to take on a greater share of the parenting responsibilities, you should get married before TTC.

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:26

True I guess!

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Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:27

True I guess we could, we haven’t talked about it that way round to be honest!

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Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:29

I’m a teacher and also have kids in my class with double barrelled surnames but I feel like ours just don’t match as well! Not planning on being a SAHM, I get the risks x

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Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:34

Hi, thanks, we have a joint mortgage. I’m a teacher so entitled to maternity leave where as he is a self employed scaffolder so any time he has off will be unpaid but obviously will have some time off at the beginning. I will then go back to work and the majority of childcare will be with our families until the child is old enough to go to nursery/pre school, at which time it will go to the one I teach in which will mean drop offs and pick ups will be sorted :) it’s good to question things though, obviously there’s a lot to think about.

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Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2022 19:34

Give baby your name. It is easy to change it to your boyfriends name at any int but extremely difficult t change it back to yours.
Spend the time you have been debating baby’s name on learning the legal differences between being married and not married. You don’t seem to be aware that it costs a lot more to put yourself in that position using the law rather than marriage. Unless you plan to put all those things in place you are leaving yourself very vulnerable. You need to equally share all costs for baby (not pay them yourself while he covers rent or mortgage) and equally share parental leave not take it all yourself.
There are numerous threads on here about the differences between marriage and co- habiting. Please read them.

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:38

Yes costs will be equally shared between us. I am aware, but some people’s circumstances mean that the parental leave cannot both be completely equal and that doesn’t make us any less capable or in it together, we just have different jobs that require different things. I will definitely read the threads about co-habitant and marriage, that would be useful.

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Rainbowqueeen · 01/06/2022 19:39

ok sounds like you might have thought about the risks more than your initial post indicates. Make sure you continue to pay your share of the mortgage (assuming you are on the deeds - if not then get this changed). You will need a history of payment of mortgage if you ever need to apply for one on your own rather than a history of paying for childcare.

My point about wills, life insurance etc still stands though. It would be cheaper to just get married

KirstenBlest · 01/06/2022 19:44

Your surname.
Your DP self-employed makes it even more risky, should you split up.

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:46

Maybe I didn’t word it well enough in my original post. We have a joint mortgage so that is all fine. I guess that is true, we could always have a small/private wedding, but I wouldn’t want it to seem as though we would only getting married because of the baby.

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KirstenBlest · 01/06/2022 19:58

You can commit to a joint mortgage and to trying for a child, but not to each other.

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:01

Sorry I don’t understand what you mean?

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Palavah · 01/06/2022 20:09

So if he's self-employed and you're salaried how are you planning to manage finances while you are on maternity leave, who will pay for things the baby needs, who will care for the baby when it is too sick for nursery or school?

If he's assuming you'll do it because you're salaried how will there be balance for the impact on your career?

bunpot · 01/06/2022 20:10

We were in your situation except it was unplanned. Went for double barreled just in case we broke up. When we get married we'll all switch to just his I think, cos double barreled is 6 syllables!

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:21

My question was regarding last names not how we will care for a child but I get peoples concerns. I will have maternity pay and he will still be working. Obviously if there are times when the child is ill then one of us will be there to care for it, that’s not an issue.

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AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 20:22

If you and your partner split up, once you sort out the house there would be no ties or financial obligation to each other. If you were the resident parent you may struggle to get child maintenance out of him since he is self employed.

Of course no one likes to think that way but plan for the worst, hope for the best.


Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:22

I think double barrelled is a good option, I’m just worried it doesn’t sound nice together😂

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AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 20:23

It's things like pension contributions while you're on maternity leave.
Missing out on promotions because you have to take time off for emergency childcare and always have to leave on time because you do all the pick ups.
That kind of thing.

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 20:23

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:22

I think double barrelled is a good option, I’m just worried it doesn’t sound nice together😂

Is there any chance the names could be blended together somehow? It can work well with some names (not all!)

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:24

I understand that yes, but although he is self employed he still earns regularly. I completely get planning for the worst and hoping for the best!

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Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:26

The names are Byatt and Downing, I just can’t see them sounding right but maybe it will grow on me!

OP posts:
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