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Baby’s last name?!

102 replies

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 19:13

So me and my boyfriend are currently trying for a baby. We aren’t married and don’t plan on it any time soon, we would just rather spend our money on other things!
My problem is the future baby’s last name. I would be happy for the baby to have his last name although I really would like to have the same last name as my child so not sure how to get around it. As far as double barrelling, our last names are both two syllables but they just don’t sound right together! Would love to hear what other people have done!

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 01:40

Don’t have a baby without being married (unless you are independently wealthy), you do not have the same financial rights and you and the baby could be left with not a lot and very screwed up futures (see the relationships board for details). Getting married hardly costs a thing.

Byatt Downing sounds fine

But get married.

girlmom21 · 02/06/2022 08:56

Nicole2399 · 01/06/2022 20:26

The names are Byatt and Downing, I just can’t see them sounding right but maybe it will grow on me!

Byatt-Downing is a nice name!

iex · 02/06/2022 10:06

majority of childcare will be with our families

Do they know they will be doing your childcare?

babyjellyfish · 02/06/2022 13:30

OP, you've had some good advice in this thread.

Just to add my 2p worth, you will most likely be your child's primary caregiver, regardless of whether your relationship works out or not.

Who will be the primary contact with your child's school and nursery? Who will take your child to the GP every time they need a vaccination or get an ear infection. Almost certainly you.

If you and your partner do split up, who is the child most likely to live with? Almost certainly you.

That person is the person whose surname the child should have.

As for marriage, do you want to marry your partner? Do you see yourself staying with him long term? If he asked you to marry him, would you say yes?

If the answer to these questions is yes, why don't you raise the subject with him? It doesn't matter whether other people think you're getting married because of the baby or not and this is a really odd thing to fixate on compared to the other issues at stake here.

If your partner wants to have a baby with you but doesn't want to marry you, I'd be asking why and perhaps reconsidering the baby plans.

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 12:02

Thank you, I think I’m most peoples relationships the situation of what happens if the parents split up is similar. I agree I don’t know why the fixation is on marriage as that is not the issue here. Thank you for your advice, it makes sense.

OP posts:
FayCarew · 03/06/2022 12:32

It's not a fixation on marriage, @Nicole2399, it's posters pointing out that committing to a lifelong legal partnership is worth considering before creating a child.

However secure your position is now, things often change when you have DC.

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 12:56

To me it seems like a fixation on marriage, things can change even when you are married. People seem to think that just because you are married everything will work out where are that is not the case. People can break up even after marriage so I don’t really see the difference. I am aware of the legal point of view but I don’t feel as though someone should need to get married before having a baby.

OP posts:
FayCarew · 03/06/2022 13:10

Don't then. I'll keep a lookout for your thread on how your DP ran off with another woman/how he does sweet FA around the house/stopped working/leaves all the childcare to you/refuses to take leave when DC is ill etc.

Surely you can see that there is a reason why posters are saying get married.
first.

My opinion is if you can't be arsed to marry the bloke, why have a child with him

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 15:31

What a sad view😂 obviously you’ve had a bad experience or something to be that bitter about someone else’s relationship. You can’t seriously think that marriage will magically stop all of that from happening. Married or not people can do those things!

OP posts:
Natsku · 03/06/2022 15:44

Your name. If you get married and you decide to take his name then you can change your child's name easily at the same time. But if you end up splitting in the future you might regret your child not having your name. I still regret not giving my daughter my name.

Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 15:50

AnotherEmma · 01/06/2022 20:23

It's things like pension contributions while you're on maternity leave.
Missing out on promotions because you have to take time off for emergency childcare and always have to leave on time because you do all the pick ups.
That kind of thing.

That’s not really got anything to do with being married though. In fact given that op will have a valuable final salary teacher pension and her self employed dp may have no pension at all, she may be financially better off unmarried.

I gave dds both surnames op. No hyphen so they just use one when they feel like it. I am unmarried but if they ask why they have two surnames I told them it’s because I am a feminist and they proudly tell that to anyone who asks. Tbh though it’s fine as you can just use one for most purposes.

Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 15:51

FayCarew · 03/06/2022 13:10

Don't then. I'll keep a lookout for your thread on how your DP ran off with another woman/how he does sweet FA around the house/stopped working/leaves all the childcare to you/refuses to take leave when DC is ill etc.

Surely you can see that there is a reason why posters are saying get married.
first.

My opinion is if you can't be arsed to marry the bloke, why have a child with him

What about all the threads where married men do that?

FayCarew · 03/06/2022 15:55

Not at all @Nicole2399. I'm on MN and see so many threads where relationships fall apart.

Marriage won't stop a relationship falling apart, but it shows a degree of commitment. Statistically, married couples are more likely to stay together. The marriage certificate gives you legal rights that you don't have otherwise.

You may not think you need those rights and that they don't apply to you.
The bulk of child-rearing tends to fall on the woman. You might find that your partner changes. You might change.

Your partner is self-employed, you are in a job where it's not easy to take a day off. Children pick up germs. What will you do when your child is too sick to go to school? Who'll take time off? Oh you don't need to worry about that because you'll expect family to do it for you.

Parenting is hard work so don't go into it lightly.

Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 15:56

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/06/2022 01:40

Don’t have a baby without being married (unless you are independently wealthy), you do not have the same financial rights and you and the baby could be left with not a lot and very screwed up futures (see the relationships board for details). Getting married hardly costs a thing.

Byatt Downing sounds fine

But get married.

Also op babies of unmarried parents do not have a “screwed up future”! What a nutty thing to say.

mn is focused on marriage because there are a lot of middle class women here who still see it as a big achievement to marry a wealthy man. I wouldn’t worry about it. Do what is best for you.

Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 16:00

FayCarew · 03/06/2022 15:55

Not at all @Nicole2399. I'm on MN and see so many threads where relationships fall apart.

Marriage won't stop a relationship falling apart, but it shows a degree of commitment. Statistically, married couples are more likely to stay together. The marriage certificate gives you legal rights that you don't have otherwise.

You may not think you need those rights and that they don't apply to you.
The bulk of child-rearing tends to fall on the woman. You might find that your partner changes. You might change.

Your partner is self-employed, you are in a job where it's not easy to take a day off. Children pick up germs. What will you do when your child is too sick to go to school? Who'll take time off? Oh you don't need to worry about that because you'll expect family to do it for you.

Parenting is hard work so don't go into it lightly.

In this case the consequences of marriage might be in the case of a break up that ops ex is off with her pension. That’s a right of his she could do without. No more reason her dp will pull his weight re childcare if she gets married or not.

Marriage doesn’t stop couples breaking up. Op do what’s best for you

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:00

Thank you that’s helpful. I didn’t realise you could have two surnames without being hyphenated so that’s a really good option!

OP posts:
Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:01

Exactly! I think that person seems to think married people can’t possibly break up or have any problems!

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 16:03

KirstenBlest · 01/06/2022 20:27

What would happen if he could not work? Or if you couldn't work?

How is this relevant to a surname?

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:03

That’s quite judgemental to be honest. Obviously if the child is ill or needs picking up then one of us (the parents) would leave work and be there for it. Again this will not change whether we are married or not! To me a baby is a much bigger commitment than a marriage. Marriages can end, children are there forever!

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 03/06/2022 16:04

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:00

Thank you that’s helpful. I didn’t realise you could have two surnames without being hyphenated so that’s a really good option!

Yes me neither till we did it. Actually I was surprised to find that you can give them any surname and it doesn’t have to be either parents!

Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:05

Thank you. I don’t quite understand why people are so set on having to get married before having children. We are perfectly prepared and feel as though a piece of paper from the government is not going to make any difference to that. Glad to see I’m not the only one!

OP posts:
Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:06

Thank you 😂

OP posts:
Nicole2399 · 03/06/2022 16:07

Interesting! I know that some people blend their two surnames to make a new one but I can’t think of a way to do that with ours!

OP posts:
FayCarew · 03/06/2022 16:09

Downatt?

have one on me Biscuit

ScootsMcHoy · 03/06/2022 16:15

mn is focused on marriage because are a lot of middle class women here who still see it as a big achievement to marry a wealthy man. I wouldn’t worry about it. Do what is best for you.

What! I've been on MN for fifteen years and I've never seen marrying a wealthy man be lauded.

Most women on here have their own careers, as does the OP.

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