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Original poster

Those who are not married, does DC have your surname or the fathers surname?

113 replies

Sam2002 · 04/11/2021 03:05

Me and Ex split when DD was born. DD needs to be registered and ex wants her to have his surname. I am unsure wether to do this or not, I know he’ll be in DD’s life, but where our relationship is so uncertain I’m worried about giving her his surname. I feel as though I’d be doing it solely for him and his family who want DD to have their surname too. I feel really pressured or am I making this a big deal for no reason? I feel like giving DD his surname to shut everyone up. Any advice please?

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Onlinedilema · 05/11/2021 00:20

Do remember if you give your child dad's surname it can never be changed on her birth certificate, ever.

Danikm151 · 05/11/2021 01:29

Double barrelled surname- compromise

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 06/11/2021 08:21

You will never have the man's surname. Why would you give your child it?
Makes no sense.
If you will maintain a relationship with him, as friends for her sake, then maybe double barrel it.
Our kids have my name and we are married. To do the opposite for an actual ex and his family sounds nuts.

scooterbear · 06/11/2021 08:48

Mine have my exh's and it actually does bother me a bit and then weirdly as they get older. They would like both which is what we will do when their passports run out -Exh has agreed to them adding mine as a double barrel)

nousernamehere01 · 06/11/2021 08:58

In your situation I would definitely give the baby your name. It would be tonnes easier for schools and admin and doctors etc. Plus since you're not together (and I'm assuming here that you will have DD most of the time at least for the first year) it just makes sense to give her your name.

I'd also think about what you want for her, if it just seems like you'll do it to shut everyone up then I would advise against that!

I had been with my partner 5 or so years (but not married) when I had my first and it was automatically assumed she'd have my partners name so that's what we did. But the more I think about it the less I like this, he's a great man and I don't doubt we won't have any issues in the future but I've even been having doubts on whether or not I would take his name when we eventually get married!

MaryLamb · 06/11/2021 09:17

We're married but I never changed my name. My DH was more than happy for our DS to have my surname if that's what I wanted (because he's not an arse) but I went for his in the end for various reasons.

If we had been together but not married it would have been much more likely I'd have given DS my name.

If we weren't even together there's no way in hell I'd have given DS his name! Why on earth would I?

Irishfarmer · 06/11/2021 11:45

@MynahBird Sorry if I come across as rude, I really am just curious. Where would that end though? If your child has both of your surnames and has a child with someone who also had two surnames, does their baby have 4 surnames if they feel as strongly about it as you do. What would you have done in that situation?

@Sam2002 don't let them pressure you, I'd 100% be giving her your surname.

TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 11:47

All 4 have mine, good job as he is absent and doesn’t see them at all!

MrsFoxyplease · 06/11/2021 11:47

Give dc your surname. Definitely.

I say this as someone who didn't.

AnotherEmma · 06/11/2021 11:48

OP, you would be crazy to give your child your ex's surname in these circumstances.

I assume you are the resident parent and the child will be living mostly with you, with occasional contact with your ex, increasing as the child gets older?

The child should share a surname with the parent who is doing the vast majority of the parenting. Which is the mother in almost all cases.

Give your child your own surname. Use your ex's surname as a middle name if you want.

Ignore everyone putting pressure on you to do otherwise. This is your child, not theirs.

AnotherEmma · 06/11/2021 11:52

Oh and to answer your question, I'm married, my children have both my surname and DH's (no hyphen so they have the option to drop one if they choose). No way on Earth I wouldn't have given the children my surname. Married, cohabiting or single.

SherbertLemons · 06/11/2021 12:26

I'm not married and am expecting my first DC with DP. The baby will have his surname. However, I feel strongly that if I wasn't with DP the chichi I'd would 100% have my name.

SherbertLemons · 06/11/2021 12:27
  • child
PumpkinsandTea · 06/11/2021 12:29

My child has her father's surname. I'm a lone parent. No regrets as it's about my child's right to have an accurate birth certificate. Not about what suits me

PumpkinsandTea · 06/11/2021 12:30

@Undertheoldlindentree

Give the child your surname. It makes travel and admin at school easier. Also their surname usually lasts for life. Its long time to always be explaining the connection between you, especially when you've done the hard work of bringing them up.
How does it make admin at school easier?! No issues whatsoever here and I'm the only parent - different surname. Zero issues whatsoever
TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 12:30

@PumpkinsandTea

My child has her father's surname. I'm a lone parent. No regrets as it's about my child's right to have an accurate birth certificate. Not about what suits me
Why wouldn’t it be accurate if she had your surname? Very confused by that comment?
PumpkinsandTea · 06/11/2021 12:31

@Frogsonglue

Mine. Don't give your baby your ex's name.
THEIR FATHER's NAME! Not her ex HmmHmmHmm
PumpkinsandTea · 06/11/2021 12:31

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale

Yours! Traditionally baby gets the mothers name.
No, traditionally the child gets the father's name Hmm
AnotherEmma · 06/11/2021 12:32

@PumpkinsandTea

My child has her father's surname. I'm a lone parent. No regrets as it's about my child's right to have an accurate birth certificate. Not about what suits me
An accurate birth certificate?! Eh? It's not inaccurate to give a child its mother's surname, it is in fact traditional. You can put the father's name on the birth certificate and give the child whatever surname you want. Still accurate.
PumpkinsandTea · 06/11/2021 12:33

@TurnUpTurnip @AnotherEmma I'm referring to a PP suggesting OP does not put ex on birth certificate

moofolk · 06/11/2021 12:34

My kids have my name

TurnUpTurnip · 06/11/2021 12:35

Oh I see my ex isn’t on the bc as he didn’t show up...

TwoBlueFish · 06/11/2021 12:35

Am married now but not when the kids were born. They have my surname and I also kept m name when I married.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/11/2021 12:36

Give her yours. You carried and birthed her and will do most of the raising (and funding). It just makes sense.

meditrina · 06/11/2021 12:36

No, traditionally the child gets the father's name

Perhaps you are not in UK?

Babies get their mother's names, which can mean, for married mothers who changed their name, that it is also the father's

An unmarried woman giving her baby a name that is not her own is comparatively recent trend (only really took off in the late 1980s) and as many people have found to their cost, it carries disadvantage that the traditional system does not.

The reassertion of the traditional approach is something that I welcome, as it is very easy to change a DC's name to the married surname (if marriage is on the cards and if a change is wanted at that point) but nigh on impossible to change from father's to mother's name after a split if the father does not consent.