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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Those who are not married, does DC have your surname or the fathers surname?

113 replies

Sam2002 · 04/11/2021 03:05

Me and Ex split when DD was born. DD needs to be registered and ex wants her to have his surname. I am unsure wether to do this or not, I know he’ll be in DD’s life, but where our relationship is so uncertain I’m worried about giving her his surname. I feel as though I’d be doing it solely for him and his family who want DD to have their surname too. I feel really pressured or am I making this a big deal for no reason? I feel like giving DD his surname to shut everyone up. Any advice please?

OP posts:

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TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 04/11/2021 10:20

Three them have dad's, one has mine. Complicated reason.

BearsBeetsBattlestarGalatica · 04/11/2021 10:21

Hell would freeze over before I gave my child an ex's name. I am married and I didn't even give my child my husbands name, I did not take his when I married, our child has 2 surnames, didn't even faze my husband. An ex? Not a chance, most likely you will be doing the heavy lifting in terms of parental care so they take your name. Stand up for yourself now and don't bend to pressure or you will spend the rest of your life kneeling it with these people.

EdithWeston · 04/11/2021 10:28

Traditionally babies have their mother's surname (which might also be the father's if they are married)

I really would stick to tradition in your circumstances

I didn't change my name on marriage, but DC's have their fathers name. If we were not married, that would not have happened. Neither surname is particularly nice, so it wasn't an aesthetic choice, it was just the one we reached together.

It's not that difficult to have non-matching surnames, but there can be extra admin at times. What I suspect you will find grating is the number of times you will be called by their surname. I didn't mind, because we are all part of a family unit and don't object to being called Mrs DH socially. But I wouid have absolutely loathed it in your circumstances because you are not together

Livpool · 04/11/2021 10:53

Not me but the children my DB has with his partner have her surname

ILoveShula · 04/11/2021 10:59

You get called Mrs DCsurname a lot. Teachers and healthcare people you meet through your child will almost certainly do it and it will become annoying.

Travel etc is a lot easier if you are Ms Surname and Firstname Surname.

GinIronic · 04/11/2021 11:03

Your surname - always. You are the mother - you gave birth and will bring the baby up. Ex is just a sperm donor who will probably dip in and out of your lives as and when it suits.

peppersauce1984 · 04/11/2021 11:09

If I was unmarried and not with father baby would 100% have my name. When I married I double barrelled my name. Dc has my dh surname but my maiden surname as a middle name.

Northernsoullover · 04/11/2021 11:12

They have their fathers. My surname was the cause of bullying throughout my childhood. So they have a totally plain surname that you cannot poke fun at. That was the only reason.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 04/11/2021 11:14

Oh fuck that.

DH and I were married, but I still insisted on double barrelling our kids names.

Still very happy, but in the event of any split I wasn’t running the risk of having a different name to my kids when let’s be real, as the mum I’d end up doing 80% of the donkey work.

vickyc90 · 04/11/2021 11:18

We had our son before we were married but intended to get married one day. I knew I wanted to keep my surname and double barrel it so we did that for our son at birth then when we got married both me and the husband took the double barrelled name.

Could you double barrel DD?

invisiblecats · 04/11/2021 11:18

Mine have mine surname as a middle name then their dad's. But if it was today, I'd do it the other way round.

Could that be an option for you?

First name, middle name, his surname, your surname.

Or just your name would be fine as well.

Don't give them his name when you're not even together, it will be a pain for them. And it may create problems for you at passport control if you want to leave the country together.

Skeumorph · 04/11/2021 11:22

Your surname, 100%

For a start, it's tradition. Babies have always had their mothers' surnames... it's just that most mothers were married and had taken their husband's name.

Secondly... you're not with him. YOU will be the primary carer. The baby will primarily be in YOUR family. You're giving birth. You're caring. You're the one who will be dropping off at school, registering with doctors, everything probably...why on earth should he have more right to be the one who shares a name when every single aspect of everyday life will not only be mainly with you, but will be easier in many respects if you share a family name?

Don't give in to shut him up. It's really important, and it's about your DC too.

I bang on about this a fair bit as I have a good friend who really, REALLY regrets giving her DC her ex's surname.

The child hates it as they have a different name to their mum and their siblings. It was particuarly difficult when the sibling came along as that sibling DOES share a surname. If she'd given DC her surname it wouldn't have been a problem either way as she would either choose to give both her surname, or if she'd remarried/taken another surname then DC could also choose to change it. As it is, the ex won't allow any surname change.

Her ex's family also use it to 'mark their territory' - especially now that she has moved on and has a new partner and child. It upsets the DC (their grandchild) too. Things like 'Proud of youngest 'Smith' today for getting their swimming badge' on FB - they never just use the child's first name. No matter that the father sees the child once a month and is shit, frankly.

DC has been upset by it countless times and has commented, I'm part of this family and I don't see them very much and sometimes they're horrible about you Mum, and our house and the baby and I hate being the odd one out and not having 'our' family's name and having their name instead.

My friend really regrets it, not least as she says (quite perceptively) that she really feels that DC would feel a bit less hostile about the father's side of the family if it wasn't such an issue, if DC had her name and it wasn't something his mother (especially!) could use as a way of marking her territory. DC sees it, feels uncomfortable with it, pulls away.

Changing the name will be the first thing they do at 16 apparently!

So. Your name, if he is already an ex it's an absolute no brainer.

Walesrecommendations · 04/11/2021 11:25

I gave DD DPs name because we were meant to be getting married, then pandemic happened and a house move etc became our focus so I changed her name by deed poll to mine, with his consent. I expect we will get married at some point but as main carer I was really uncomfortable not sharing a name with her. The GP used to ask me if I was the child's mother when I rang about DD which I found quite upsetting. I would definitely give your child your name especially if you are no longer with their dad.

Courtier · 04/11/2021 11:36

Both hyphenated?

Tigger85 · 04/11/2021 12:53

Our D's has both our surnames double barrled with a hyphen hisname-myname. If we were not together he would only have my name, or possibly his dad's surname as an additional middle name.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 04/11/2021 12:54

Your surname all the livelong day.

My sister gave her child her partners name. She really regrets it. They are still together but she now hates having a different name as her child now he is at school.

Clementineapples · 04/11/2021 12:56

My surname.

kirinm · 04/11/2021 12:57

DS - mine as I had split with his Dad and his Dad is a waste of space and never saw him.

DD - she has mine as a middle name and her Dad's as her last name. They're too long to use both otherwise I think we would have done that.

Etherealhedgehog · 04/11/2021 12:58

Mine. Our names didn't double barrel well and we couldn't think of a strong rationale to automatically give our children either of our names so we flipped a coin... nb. we will get married at some point but she'll still have mine (as will I). If we weren't together no way would I consider giving children his name.

zaffa · 04/11/2021 13:00

We weren't married when I fell pregnant and so had a hasty wedding, in part because I wanted us all to have the same surname and I wanted the same surname as DD on the birth certificate. If DH and I had split permanently, she would have had my surname. I couldn't imagine having a different surname to her - but that is probably a traditional view and not every one will feel the same

MistyFrequencies · 04/11/2021 13:00

My kids have their dads name. I regret it now. We live together, I love him, he's a great dad, but I want them to have my name now. I grew them, I birthed them, I do most of their care.
Give your child your name.

MenopauseSucks · 04/11/2021 13:09

Give your child your surname & add her father's surname as one of her middle names. This way his surname will be on the birth certificate & passports.
If you are no longer with the father & you are the resident parent, it makes sense for the child to have your surname.

DPotter · 04/11/2021 13:11

DD has my name. We're not married.

For those who say it doesn't cause problems - it can and does

DD had to have an op as a 5 yr old and I was specifically asked to sign, not DP as DD and I shared the same name. There have also been a couple of times when DD (when she was small) has been with DP and he has been asked where the 'child's mother' was with them, eg going through customs. Not saying this would have lead to problems but it is the way official bodies can work.

If your DD's father wants to be be on the birth certificate, that's fine. He'll have to go with you to register her birth. Give her your name as surname and include his surname as a middle name. DD has said it would have been nice to have her dad's name on her birth certificate somewhere and it's something we didn't think of at the time

Gem176 · 04/11/2021 14:33

Historically babies took mothers surname it's just that historically mothers were married to fathers so babies ended up with dads surname by default. It's not that babies were given the fathers surname. Now it's become the norm where parents aren't married to give baby dads surname. Presumably because most couples plan to marry in the future so it makes sense to give the baby the name that will become the family surname so to speak.

I gave DD1 her dads surname as I thought that was what everyone did (it sort of is, only 4% of babies are given mums surname only when there is a choice of mum or dads surname) and I deeply regret this as I had no intention of ever marrying her father and knew we wouldn't last. DD2 also has her dads surname and I'm happy with this as one day it will be my surname. The big problem is that DD1 doesn't want to have a different surname to the rest of us and her father has already said he refuses to consent to change her name. Now if I had given her my surname, I'd just keep my surname and then she would have the same name as me and there would be no odd one out and no attempting to get her father to allow a name change. Win win!

Please think carefully as you already know you are unlikely to have your ex's surname. If you do somehow end up back together and married I'm sure he would be in agreement of changing your DDs name TO his but less likely to agree to change it FROM his.

Onlinedilema · 05/11/2021 00:11

Give it your surname. You are not together and you will be the primary carer.
If you meet someone else and have a child with them, your kids and you will all h ave different names if you give them the dad's surname.
Ignore his family, it's none of their business.

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