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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Original poster

Different surnames for siblings

124 replies

SniggleSnarf · 20/10/2021 14:05

Have one DD who is in my DPs name. I was always against children being put into dad's surname just because the couple were unmarried. Though since being on MN have realised technically should go in mum's name.

Partner was against this when first pregnant but understood where I was coming from. Fast forward to the birth - I was so out of it I just told the midwife to put his surname on the red book. Registered her with that name - didn't give it another thought.

Now onto second pregnancy DP thinks this one should go in my surname. I love the idea behind it and the thought from DP but am wondering if it's too out there..

Obviously people will think they have different dad's but growing up with only half siblings I don't see why this would be a problem. And it's a quick fix of saying "no we are full siblings" if they wanted to explain.

Just to clarify if we were to ever get married I would keep my surname.

Too weird?

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LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 20/10/2021 19:23

I teach lots of African full siblings who have different surnames. And it is a thing in iceland as well isnt it.

GrumpyPanda · 20/10/2021 19:34

If they have to have the same name you could always change back DC1's name. Especially if that was the origin plan.

Original poster
SniggleSnarf · 20/10/2021 19:37

Being married definitely isn't my definition of being a family. Understand this is different for everyone! Yes it comes with a bit more security in terms of the law, but that isn't my concern here at all.

Wow! Love hearing about the different cultures and celebs that do it. We actually liked the idea before starting a family of creating a new family name which I think (correct me if I'm wrong) is a German tradition? But we couldn't agree on a good one!

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 20/10/2021 20:49

Just to say - you could order name tapes with both surnames and just snip one off as and when

(Pragmatic - me ? )

I have a different surname name to my son ( married but kept my surname ) - I have never had a problem when phoning anywhere saying - this is Basilisk - I am Son's surname's mother

longestlurkerever · 20/10/2021 21:48

[quote tiggerwhocamefortea]@longestlurkerever

No but then being unmarried with children is popular these days

Personally I didn't have kids until I was married because I wanted to be a cohesive family unit on paper as well as everything else

[/quote]
Judgemental much? I was married pre kids too and we all have my husband's surname but I don't consider myself more of a cohesive family unit than my friends I posted about. Plenty of married couples have different surnames anyway so I don't really understand your post.

imnotacelebritygetmeoutofhere · 20/10/2021 22:23

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn

I teach lots of African full siblings who have different surnames. And it is a thing in iceland as well isnt it.
In Iceland it's different, you have the father's name but with son or daughter added, Oliversson/Oliversdottir.
millzcrawf · 20/10/2021 22:41

me and my sister have different surnames. Both have same mum and dad but I have our mums surname and my sister has our dads. Reason for this is that my mum and dad were extremely young when they had me and I was living with my mum. 23 years later they're still together and engaged.

jenny5000 · 20/10/2021 22:46

Our 2 have different names; one has mine, the other DH's. We didn't want to double-barrel or give them only one of our names. No problems, don't care what anyone thinks and no issues at airport.

AnOldCynic · 20/10/2021 22:49

@TataMamma

No. Go for it. True equality. (Double barrelled always worries me - I mean you either end up with a zillion surnames or you drop the - wait for it - the mothers come next generation.) Really impressed your DP is the one behind it too - good on him. These days all sorts of stuff goes on with surnames so I wouldn't worry about not following the rigid patterns of the past. Personally I'm in favour of girls taking mothers surname and boys taking fathers, but I'm fighting a one woman battle against the world on that :).
I was going to do this if I had a second so you aren't the only one!
MrsCherrytree · 20/10/2021 22:51

I think do whatever you and your partner want and don't care about what anyone else may or may not think is weird.

But, do you ever intend on marrying? If so will you keep your name? Or change to his? Would you then change your child's name or would they be the only one with a different name? Just something to consider when making your decision!

EastWestWhosBest · 20/10/2021 22:54

When DH and I got married outside the U.K. we had to declare on our marriage certificate what surname any girls would have and what surname any boys would have.

I like it as in idea and siblings have different surnames isn’t uncommon but it’s generally when they are half siblings.

RobynNora · 20/10/2021 23:02

I’d say do it! Teaching kids about equality is so much more important than ‘having the same name’. You sound like an incredible role models teaching your kids about real world gender parity.

OwlDoll · 20/10/2021 23:05

Do it if you want to OP. In our family my daughters have my surname and my sons have my husband's. And yes I did write family as that is what we are, a family. We are no less a family because we have different surnames. Those of you saying it's weird or they won't feel like siblings, do you have the same surnames as all your siblings now? Do you feel any less related to them if either of you changed your surname on marriage?

Original poster
SniggleSnarf · 20/10/2021 23:08

Love hearing all of these.

Thanks everyone who has shared their personal experiences as well.

We have been engaged for coming up to 8 years - but it definitely isn't a priority for either of us. But if we did I would 100% keep my surname. This may sound strange but the way I see it as we were both given a name at birth. That has always been my name and my identity. I don't want to give it up. And don't feel like I should. Just like I wouldn't expect or want him to give up his name.

I like my name - it's me!

OP posts:
Elisemum · 21/10/2021 06:55

Please don’t ever give your kids different surnames, I know you have some values and opinions etc but it’s so unfair to set your kids up for a lifetime of having to explain themselves. Please don’t do it, everyone will think they have different dads and they will constantly be embarrassed! Of course having different dads should be nothing to be embarrassed about I know but these are kids, and you can’t control it! Kids in school won’t even ask them, they will just assume different dads. God this would be so wrong on every level, you are a family- please respect your kids

AutumnLeafy · 21/10/2021 07:01

@Elisemum they won't be embarrassed and who cares if people think they have different dads. They will be in different classes. All they have to say is "I've got mum's last name and they have dads"

AutumnLeafy · 21/10/2021 07:02

It won't be a lifetime of explaining. I very rarely have to give out my siblings last names.

SunshineCake1 · 21/10/2021 07:21

Oh ffs. Too many decisions made on what everyone will think. Fuck everyone. Make your decisions on what works for you and your family and stop caring about what they, who are no one, will think.

Have confidence in your own decisions and stop giving strangers power.

And for a pp, read the OP posts. She's answered those questions Hmm.

Whstdoyouthink · 21/10/2021 07:28

I wouldn’t do it, I’d want them to have the same surname.

As an FYI you don’t have to register the name in the red book…… many people have no idea what to call their baby at that point

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 21/10/2021 07:52

@Whstdoyouthink

I wouldn’t do it, I’d want them to have the same surname.

As an FYI you don’t have to register the name in the red book…… many people have no idea what to call their baby at that point

yes - if we had had to use the name in the red book my DC2 would be called 'Bab' because the printer was misaligned and the end of 'baby' is cut off on the label. We're Brummies, so it's culturally appropriate I suppose, but still...

I'd double-barrel, personally.

longestlurkerever · 21/10/2021 09:44

@Elisemum

Please don’t ever give your kids different surnames, I know you have some values and opinions etc but it’s so unfair to set your kids up for a lifetime of having to explain themselves. Please don’t do it, everyone will think they have different dads and they will constantly be embarrassed! Of course having different dads should be nothing to be embarrassed about I know but these are kids, and you can’t control it! Kids in school won’t even ask them, they will just assume different dads. God this would be so wrong on every level, you are a family- please respect your kids
This is absolute nonsense. There's no logic to it at all. Families do not all have the same surname for any number of reasons. It's no concern of anyone's but the family involved and there really needn't be anything embarrassing or disrespectful about it. How dramatic
TataMamma · 21/10/2021 10:30

@Elisemum

Please don’t ever give your kids different surnames, I know you have some values and opinions etc but it’s so unfair to set your kids up for a lifetime of having to explain themselves. Please don’t do it, everyone will think they have different dads and they will constantly be embarrassed! Of course having different dads should be nothing to be embarrassed about I know but these are kids, and you can’t control it! Kids in school won’t even ask them, they will just assume different dads. God this would be so wrong on every level, you are a family- please respect your kids
"some values and opinions".....what a way to describe a woman who values herself as an equal on Mumsnet.... "lifetime of having to explain themselves" - Nope, they will simply use their first names, and as adults one or other may change their surname anyway. "Constantly embarrassed because people will think they have different Dads". Is this the 50s? In every reception class in the country I bet at least a third of the kids have a half-sibling, and by secondary school the majority will probably have a half or step sibling. Who's going to be doing the bullying I wonder?
Elisemum · 21/10/2021 10:57

@TataMamma - I absolutely know having 2 different dads is nothing to be embarrassed about! Sure it’s no ones business and as an adult I know that and would never make any assumptions. But we are talking about children/teenagers- they aren’t Like that I’m afraid, they will assume and they will make other kids embarrassed- it’s the sad truth. Family is a family- why complicate things? If it’s a natural thing that children have different surnames than that’s ok of course but why actually self inflict it?

longestlurkerever · 21/10/2021 11:19

You're projecting wildly. I can't imagine any teenagers I know giving this a second thought, never mind making their peers feel embarrassed and I can't understand what's embarrassing anyway. Sometimes kids have their mum's name and people assume their dad is their stepdad. If it ever came up the answer "no he's my dad, I just have my mum's name" would seem sufficient to close it off. I happened to want us all to have the same name and changed my name to my husband's even though I had some reservations, but that's about me, and has no bearing on what I think other people should do.

ThirdElephant · 21/10/2021 11:25

[quote Elisemum]@TataMamma - I absolutely know having 2 different dads is nothing to be embarrassed about! Sure it’s no ones business and as an adult I know that and would never make any assumptions. But we are talking about children/teenagers- they aren’t Like that I’m afraid, they will assume and they will make other kids embarrassed- it’s the sad truth. Family is a family- why complicate things? If it’s a natural thing that children have different surnames than that’s ok of course but why actually self inflict it?[/quote]
In most secondaries no one would even know- the school's are just too big for that.