Is this double barrel cruel?!

[nellyelle]

I didn't change my surname on marriage. (Surname similar to McKinley.)

DH also didn't change his surname on marriage. (Surname similar to McDade.)

Is it really awful to burden our child with the double barrel surname "McKinley-McDade"?! I always assumed it would be out of the question, but now that I'm pregnant I find myself considering it....

I know it's cumbersome and doesn't flow well. However, I also know both our families are very tight knit, with strong identities, (partly why I didn't change my name in the first place!) and I think it is important for our baby to identify with both equally.

(I did think originally maybe it's a better option to middle name McKinley, but I'm not sure.)

Talk me down please 😂

I can imagine plenty of families falling out about this and choosing to take offence - the mother's parents insisting that their two surnames are used for the grandchildren, as they are the 'real' grandparents; the father's parents insisting that it's 'tradition' to pass names down from the paternal line.

Yes, they can stamp as much as they like and, as I said, offence is something that you choose to take; but I bet there will be a lot of grandparents who are secretly devastated at being apparently relegated to second-class citizens by having their own names eradicated.

But unless someone stands up to foot stamping, nothing will ever change.

My ILs insisted on addressing my Dc with their surname only, and addressing me with DH's surname, which I have never had and never used. What was I supposed to do? Worry about them being 'offended' and change my surname to theirs?

I honestly can't see parents of current Dc's generation who did anything that caused a bit of tension repeating that tension and demanding that any dynasty be perpetuated through a name.

@RainingBatsAndFrogs As the children of people who exercised choice instead of just following 'tradition' or being pressurised by ILs to adopt the man's name, i would fully expect my own Dc to also use free will and choice, and not be pressurised. And as parents who did what we chose, we would never pressurise our Dc to do anything that what suits them best for whatever reason. They can choose one of our names because they like the sound of it best, or follow a pattern with a new partner that goes 'one has Dad's name, the other, mother' or make up a new name or anything they please. If they end up with kids with 8 surnames that is entirely their own responsibility. But I credit my own kids with more common sense, and the confidence to know that any of their choices will be supported / respected.

As someone who made exactly the same choice you did for pretty much the same reasons, I fully concur with every word of this post.

Less wordily:

This.

Can you squish them together? McKinleydade?

Or McKinade

So I kind of like the idea of double-barrelling names, with the mother's name passed down through the female line and the father's name passed through the male line.

So Mr Anderson and Ms Bennett have a daughter called Lottie Anderson-Bennett.

Mr Carpenter and Ms Dean have a son called Larry Carpenter-Dean.

Lottie and Larry meet, fall in love and get married. Lottie keeps her mother's name, Larry keeps his father's name and the next generation becomes the Carpenter-Bennetts.

Simples!

Not read through the thread but please don't this to a child

@C152

Be aware that, whenever you travel overseas (whenever it's allowed again!), you'll probably be asked at border control for the child's birth certificate every single time, as their name will be different to both yours and your husband's name.

I travel a lot internationally with my kids and this has never happened.

I don't think this ever happens to anyone, @Tooearlyforsquats, it's just one of those things that the kind of woman who (a) says earnestly that she was proud to take her husband's name, (b) says 'But your maiden name is just your father's name!' or (c) says 'I wanted to feel like a team, so we all had to have the same name' thinks of as a 'Gotcha!' point.

Yeah probably along with ‘Ho ho ha, think of all those grandkids with 16 names!’

Yes, well known issue in the entire Spanish speaking world.

@Tooearlyforsquats Yes, indeed. Many of us with actual experience (like you) have made the same point in this thread. I've taken my kids abroad many times both with and without their dad and it has never, ever, been an issue.

@Pluas- see also

(d) My name was so boring and his is really unusual and interesting
(e) My name was so difficult and his is really simple and easy to spell
(f) I couldn't wait to change my name away from my horrible father's (but I could wait for x years until I got married, even though I could have changed it for free and legally at any point from the age of 18)

I love it OP, mine are double barrelled and now exDH and I are sadly divorced it means that they have my family identity too. They can always change when they are older, in the meantime it’s nice to represent both of you.

@LowlandLucky

look to the future when you child wants to marry another double barreled name, the poor buggers would end up with 4 bloody surnames !

Then they could what my husband and I did for our daughter- drop first two halves of our double barrelled names and double barrel the last two together. A good, workable solution that doesn’t cause confusion!

OP, i think both sound fine together, but if you are comfortable dropping a Mc then that could work too. Best of luck to you 😁

How about McKade? Maybe you and your husband could change too so the whole family has the same name, but still with a link to your original names.

I would make one a middle name. I know a few people who have done this.

I've been doing my family tree recently and it was traditional in 19th century to give mother or grandmother's maiden name as middle name or first name. It's made for some great names in my tree like the fabulous Sneasby Thody!

Pluas why so sneery? It sounds like you think you are better than ‘these women’.

I would also drop a Mc.