Is this double barrel cruel?!

[nellyelle]

I didn't change my surname on marriage. (Surname similar to McKinley.)

DH also didn't change his surname on marriage. (Surname similar to McDade.)

Is it really awful to burden our child with the double barrel surname "McKinley-McDade"?! I always assumed it would be out of the question, but now that I'm pregnant I find myself considering it....

I know it's cumbersome and doesn't flow well. However, I also know both our families are very tight knit, with strong identities, (partly why I didn't change my name in the first place!) and I think it is important for our baby to identify with both equally.

(I did think originally maybe it's a better option to middle name McKinley, but I'm not sure.)

Talk me down please 😂

I have a hyphened first name and a O' maiden name. Would not have double barrelled my daughters first or last name.

Timpeall

If you're referring to (people like) me, that's exactly what I said: that something has to give. You're just kicking the can further down the road and leaving it for somebody else to have to pick it up later. Granted, it's nowhere of the same magnitude of two acrimoniously-divorced parents both refusing to attend their child's wedding "if s/he is there"; but it's still likely putting them in a very difficult situation further down the line. Even if they keep their own names and don't multi-barrel when they marry, when the first baby is born and parents Mr Johnson-Thompson and Miss/Ms Wilkinson-Davies decide that four surnames (or even just three, if only one parent is double-barrelled) would sound ridiculous - bearing in mind that the names almost certainly came from mother and father for each, they have to either dump the names of both parents of one of them and keep both names of the other, or otherwise each potentially upset (or 'dishonour the memory of') one parent by dropping their one surname.

In the case of a couple where only one of them is double-barrelled, and the couple decide to compact their names down into a new double-barrel, it's probably even more acutely awkward, as it then means that three of the grandparents' surnames are passed down to the new baby whilst only one grandparent's name is omitted. Unless they completely disregard all hitherto names and make up a completely new one that bears no similarity.

I'm genuinely interested to know how people go about deciding which name(s) to use in these situations.

@CherryRoulade

partyatthepalace, ridiculous? I rather think suggesting any opinion that differs from yours is an absolute based in fact is somewhat more ridiculous.

Double barrel names are naff, in the extreme, in my opinion. Is that better? A bit estuary.

Or just an indication that women regularly retain their names on marriage and want their child to have their name as well as their father’s. Truly ‘naff’, that.

Perfectly fine.

It's a person's name, not a fashion contest. It reflects the reality of his/her parentage. How can it be cruel??

@CherryRoulade

Double barrel names tend to be naff at the best of times. That would be an eyebrow raiser. Having one as a middle, family name would be better. If you must, could you drop one of the Mc’s. So McKinley-Dade?

This is a great idea! Or mix a new name. So what if both families have strong identities, you have your own family now and you are your own person. Make up a new name and all change it, job done.

@C152

Be aware that, whenever you travel overseas (whenever it's allowed again!), you'll probably be asked at border control for the child's birth certificate every single time, as their name will be different to both yours and your husband's name.

We were never ever asked for our kids’ birth certificates.

Both DH and I have travelled alone with them from when they were young. Border control seemed to be able to recognise that the hyphenated surname included the surname of whichever parent (or both) that was travelling.

Because if work and family and other circumstances we were backwards and forwards through airports all the time.

@C152

Be aware that, whenever you travel overseas (whenever it's allowed again!), you'll probably be asked at border control for the child's birth certificate every single time, as their name will be different to both yours and your husband's name.

I've heard that said lots of times but we've never been asked both when travelling as a family or a solo adult with the children.

I've heard that said lots of times but we've never been asked both when travelling as a family or a solo adult with the children.

I've been asked more than once. I do travel on a different country's passport than DD though. It probably looks a bit 'kidnappy'.

@C152

Be aware that, whenever you travel overseas (whenever it's allowed again!), you'll probably be asked at border control for the child's birth certificate every single time, as their name will be different to both yours and your husband's name.

My kids are double barrelled and we have taken them abroad about 50 times and this has literally never happened even once.

No crueler than, for example, Katarina Johnson-Thompson and she seems to have done pretty well.

I know a DC with a hyphenated first name and surname. Think something along the lines of Savannah-Mae Burton-Webster (same syllable count, not real name) I always figured it would be good if you needed an alias. You could be Savannah Burton one day and Mae Webster the next and they’d both be your name. I mean, options are rarely a bad thing.

Trending Today It is awful, glad you refused. I had a child in my class 24 letters in his name and his Mother could not understand why her son was struggling to learn to spell his name.

drop one of the Mc’s. So McKinley-Dade or McDade-Kinley. Both are nice, prefer the first one

I would drop on of the 'mc's or even both, make the name double barrelled to be a part of both of you...but then I would change mine and DH's to the new surname too. Cool, one new exciting family name that doesn't belong to one person or side of the family any more than the other.

Do it. It's not like you say the full name out loud a lot.
The baby should be equally part of both of your families.

If it is only going to be one surname it should be the mother's as 50% of DCs don't live with their bio father's by the time they are 16.

What about McKinley-Dade? Just drop one of the Mc's?

My daughter has 24 letters in her name. No issues. One of her classmates has seven letters. I'm sure it took my daughter longer to learn to write her name but it's not a problem.

I think the double-barrel with both Mcs sounds quite cool.

I also think the double Mc sounds cool.

I had a double barrel surname and hated it. Learning to write your full name in school was a nightmare, filling in forms, giving details over the telephone etc. I shortened it in school and used just the initials (Lucie D-S for example) my sister also hated hers and just dropped one of the surnames completely when she went to secondary school.

Could you drop the second Mc so you're paying tribute to the main part of the name? So McKinley-Dade ?

Yes it’s a bad idea

I'm genuinely interested to know how people go about deciding which name(s) to use in these situations.

It's called choice.

The next generation is perfectly capable of deciding for themselves what they want to do. Only 1 of my double-barrelled DC is actually married and I was quite surprised that they kept our whole surname. Didn't expect that.

Nothing to do with us, but what they chose to do as a couple. So the DGC have our full name as well.

Waiting to see what DC2 and OH will decide when they get married after Covid. Will be happy for them whatever they call themselves.

I'm genuinely interested to know how people go about deciding which name(s) to use in these situations.

This is a 'Bingo!' point on any surname thread.

As the children of people who exercised choice instead of just following 'tradition' or being pressurised by ILs to adopt the man's name, i would fully expect my own Dc to also use free will and choice, and not be pressurised. And as parents who did what we chose, we would never pressurise our Dc to do anything that what suits them best for whatever reason. They can choose one of our names because they like the sound of it best, or follow a pattern with a new partner that goes 'one has Dad's name, the other, mother' or make up a new name or anything they please.

If they end up with kids with 8 surnames that is entirely their own responsibility.

But I credit my own kids with more common sense, and the confidence to know that any of their choices will be supported / respected.

Fair enough, then - thanks ScarletZebra and RainingBatsAndFrogs - I wonder if everybody would be as 'tolerant' and rational as you are, though.

I can imagine plenty of families falling out about this and choosing to take offence - the mother's parents insisting that their two surnames are used for the grandchildren, as they are the 'real' grandparents; the father's parents insisting that it's 'tradition' to pass names down from the paternal line.

Yes, they can stamp as much as they like and, as I said, offence is something that you choose to take; but I bet there will be a lot of grandparents who are secretly devastated at being apparently relegated to second-class citizens by having their own names eradicated.

The only reason that I don't have a middle name is because, when my older sister was born, one of our grandmothers was putting a lot of pressure on our parents to give her her first name as a middle name. Our parents decided not to give her any middle name at all, because of this; then, when I was born, the precedent had already been set. Our DGM was (so I'm told) really miffed and offended about this; but it didn't even seem to occur to her that my DSis actually had two DGMs! Even so, both of our DGMs had names that were very appropriate for ladies born in the 1920s, but they would have been unthinkable for a child born in the 1970s. One of them has never come back 'in' at all, even now, and the other one (AFAIA) is only ever used to a certain extent in Scotland (we were English Midlands).

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I feel like you're overthinking this too much. I really don't feel like it's a case of kicking the can down the road. My daughter has a double barrelled surname and if and when she chooses to get married, I will support her in whatever decision she makes about her name, whether she keeps her full name, drops my name, drops my husband's name, drops both names and takes her partner's name or makes up an entirely new name. Her name, her choice :)

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll I feel like you're overthinking this too much.

You're very probably right!