Engaged - so who's last name to give?

[Delilah221]

Hi All,

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post, just wanted some advice!

We're currently TTC our first, and we got engaged around 3 weeks ago!

Basically - before we got engaged, I said to my OH that if we're not married when we have children, the baby would take my last name until we got married. (This was not a push for him to propose as i said this around 2 years ago!) I think it's fair as I would've carried them/birthed them and wouldn't like them having a different last name to me. (This may sound childish/selfish i know)

I also am confused as to how it would work at hospital/docs when your baby has a different last name to you?

However, as we are now engaged and looking to get married in 2022, I'm unsure as to what sure name to give our future bubba? My gut is saying to give them my last name until we marry, and then update both mine and babies name on the birth certificate once we get married. But on the flip side, should i give them my OH's last name and just update mine when we get married? I have no doubt that the wedding wouldn't happen (If it didn't it would be down to Covid, not us deciding not to lol)

I appreciate this may sound ridiculous to some as we're still TTC and don't have a baby on the way yet. It's just something that has been on my mind for a while and having a different last name to my own child is something i feel quite strongly about.

Apologies for the lengthy post, any help/advice would be great!

If the end result that you have in mind is you and the baby both having what is now your fiancé’s last name, then tbh I wouldn’t bother with the faff of giving your child a name you are planning on changing a year later.

Give your name and then change it when you get married

won't you have to register the birth anyway after marriage? i'd give them your name, as who knows what may happen. change it when you re-register.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-re-register-a-childs-birth-following-marriage-of-natural-parents

Personally I wouldn’t TTC until married although I appreciate there may be good reasons why you want to. I would rather do a registry office legal ceremony and not even bother telling anyone and have the big wedding later if that’s what you want. Have you discussed and planned out with your boyfriend (because legally that’s all he is until you’re actually married) how you will split childcare responsibilities equally or are you taking more of a financial and career fit? Presumably you’ve read up on all the legal and financial implications of not being married first? Hopefully all will be well and you’ll get married as planned but things change and I wouldn’t make ANY decisions, including the name, on an assumption that you’ll get married in a year or two. Make all decisions like that’s totally off the table, then you won’t regret anything if it doesn’t happen.

Yours!

Something may happen that you don’t expect that prevents you from getting married (infidelity, hit by a bus etc).

The baby should have your name (which would be both traditional and practical) until you change your name, if you plan to do so when you get married.

It really isn’t difficult to change a baby’s name when both parents agree. There will be more paperwork involved in changing your name than you child’s.

Seriously. Not kidding.

A baby is one form and a birth certificate and mention it to the doctor on your next visit. You will have to contact work, benefits, landlord, mortgage company, bank, credit card, pension, doctor, gym membership, Amazon account, electricity, gas, water council tax, tv license......

Are you rethinking changing your name now? (You should - I went through this 3 years ago and still have two things in my old name that are a PITA to change).

@Meredithgrey1 - thank you for responding :)

This is what I'm thinking, but i would need to update my own name on the birth certificate when we do get married, so we would be updating the babies at the same time anyway. So will only be one re-registry?

Also - Again, not sure how this works with Docs etc, as it will most likely be me taking them for jabs etc on my own. (I am aware i am thinking way ahead in the future! Bad habit of mine!)

My OH is fully aware of this too, and he's happy for the baby to take my last name and then just update them both after we get married. But i'm doubting myself as i don't know if i'm just being ridiculous to even be thinking of giving them my last name now that we're engaged. It was different before when there was no marriage in sight lol.

I also don't want crazy backlash from anyone/his side of the family if they don't have his name when we're now engaged. Hope that makes sense!

Again, i know it all sounds a bit silly at the mo, but it's just been going round my head for ages and just wanted to get it off my chest and get some honest opinions!

Your name until you are married

Def yours or double barrel

In hospital the baby will have your surname on the band anyway.

I would also say don't TTC until married either if you are young and likely to do it next year anyway....otherwise you'll just end up being another MN poster who is still engaged 10 years later with 4 kids

As for when you are in hospital having a baby- my friend who wasn't married when she had her baby - all Of the paperwork automatically referred to the baby having her surname even though when the baby was registered she gave him the dads surname. It wound the dad up so much I'm sure it spurred him on to get the wedding booked in double quick time 🤣

Your name as you have to re-register the birth after you are married.

I got engaged and gave my child his name as thought it would be easier.

He's then cancelled our wedding and run off with a woman from work.

I don't think you would need to update your own name on the birth certificate. In fact, I don't think you are actually allowed to.

Completely agree with @SnailortheWhale - why not get married first and have that peace of mind? Then it will be done. Otherwise there will be no end of reasons to delay it... You're pregnant, you have a newborn, you're skint, you have another newborn... And the years roll by.

Give the baby your name now and then he changes his name when you get married?

Apologies, I may be wrong about what happens when you re-register a birth... I didn't know that specific process existed! The form can be found online, which probably tells you what you need to know about that.

I was engaged not married when I had my baby and they automatically used my name on everything at the hospital and doctors until I sent them the birth certificate which showed I had registered with her dad’s name (this was when she was 3mo due to Covid). I didn’t even think about registering her with my name tbh, probably just out of convention and the fact that eventually we will all have the same name.

Wow, thanks guys! Sorry was writing my last response when you all replied!

@burnoutbabe - My thoughts exactly!

@SnailortheWhale - I appreciate that's your personal opinion. But there are many reasons as to why we're TTC now. And had planned to start now regardless of married or not. But like yours, that's my personal preference. In all honesty, the main reason we wouldn't be married before any baby arrives is because of Covid. If we could've we would've got married this summer or something.
In terms of legalities/childcare/career etc, that is not something i see as an issue. I won't go into details, but that's not a concern for me. And i am aware you may think I'm being stupid but that's fine as you won't know the ins and outs of my relationship/personal life.

@DifficultBloodyWoman - Well i'd like to think those things wont happen! But i appreciate it's still a maybe. But that's on my shoulders.

I am dreading sorting out all paperwork with regards to changing my name! It's a headache just thinking about it!

I'd quite like to just go and get married by ourselves, I don't want the big wedding. I just want to be married, and be a family. (Cringe, i know) But i don't want to upset the family if we just elope! (Well elope to the closest registry office at this rate!)

Is there a reason you’re TTC now but not getting married until 2022? Would you perhaps have a legal wedding in a registry office now before you get pregnant and then have the big ‘wedding’ in 2022?

Also, 2022 is 12-23 months away. Have you booked and paid deposits? What if it takes you months to get pregnant and you end up pregnant for the wedding? You have no idea what pregnancy will be like for you, perhaps it’ll be lovely or maybe you’ll be unlucky and have HV and the wedding won’t be enjoyable. Just my thoughts on it, but I personally wouldn’t want to take any risks on a day I’m paying thousands for.

Your name.

Delay conception until after the wedding? Just have a small registry office service soon & a blessing/reception party later.
Or
Double barrel then, for everyday things, drop your surname to a middle name when you get married. If the wedding doesn't happen, baby still has your name within the surname. When child starts school you can tell them that child is known as Y, even though birth cert states XY.

ie Samuel Joseph DELILAH221JONES changes to Samuel Joseph Delilah221 JONES

Just wait till you are married, then you won’t have all this hassle

There's plenty of room between a big wedding and "eloping". Lots of people have had very nice, if necessarily small, weddings recently. Family and friends who haven't made the cut have understood.

You know that changing your name is not obligatory, right? Have you given it more thought than "it's tradition" ?

It's baffling that you're more comfortable putting yourself in a position to need hospital/medical care during a pandemic than to prioritise marrying and put yourself through the medical stuff once the provision has improved and no longer risks your wellbeing needlessly.

To echo PP above, the hospital when you give birth refer to the baby as “baby Mother’s Surname” regardless as they need to match the two of you together. And if you get married after birth, you do have to reregister the baby as per the link. For me, I was married when I had the baby, but I hadn’t chosen to change my name on marriage. We gave DD both our surnames double barrelled, and it has never caused any trouble. Also, you can go by a different name socially without changing all the background ID if you really want. I.e. as a family we are happy being known socially as the double-barrellled name (personally I take issue with people choosing to rename me as just Mrs DH Name, because I have never expressed a willingness to be renamed as this), but all my life and professional documents as in my “true” name.

Why don’t you have a quick registry office wedding and then a big ‘wedding’ later if that’s what you and your OH want?

If that’s not and option, give the baby your name, 100%

@ivfbeenbusy - I know it shouldn't have but that did make me giggle. I completely appreciate where everyone is coming from with the whole waiting until married before TTC but we're ready to start a family and with personal complications it may take a while. So we're giving ourselves a chance to try and not rush it.

I am not in anyway oblivious to the obvious of things happening before we're married. But as i mentioned before, it's not a matter of 'If' we get married, it's more a "when" because of Covid.

I would just like to also say, I'm sorry if i have upset anyone who has gone through any of the things mentioned above. That really is horrible to have to go through.