Engaged - so who's last name to give?

[Delilah221]

Hi All,

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post, just wanted some advice!

We're currently TTC our first, and we got engaged around 3 weeks ago!

Basically - before we got engaged, I said to my OH that if we're not married when we have children, the baby would take my last name until we got married. (This was not a push for him to propose as i said this around 2 years ago!) I think it's fair as I would've carried them/birthed them and wouldn't like them having a different last name to me. (This may sound childish/selfish i know)

I also am confused as to how it would work at hospital/docs when your baby has a different last name to you?

However, as we are now engaged and looking to get married in 2022, I'm unsure as to what sure name to give our future bubba? My gut is saying to give them my last name until we marry, and then update both mine and babies name on the birth certificate once we get married. But on the flip side, should i give them my OH's last name and just update mine when we get married? I have no doubt that the wedding wouldn't happen (If it didn't it would be down to Covid, not us deciding not to lol)

I appreciate this may sound ridiculous to some as we're still TTC and don't have a baby on the way yet. It's just something that has been on my mind for a while and having a different last name to my own child is something i feel quite strongly about.

Apologies for the lengthy post, any help/advice would be great!

And even if we weren't married I'd still have given the baby my husbands name because I'd have known we'd get married at some point and I'd take his name as well. Plus I'm traditional and to me you give the dads name unless there's a good reason not to

happymummy

One good reason 'not to' is to think that it's not actually traditional. It's a Victorian/Edwardian tradition, very closely linked to the development of state bureaucracy - the official recording of names of family data. In the UK, this happened from the 1850s onwards. It's not in itself a bad idea and since the welfare state it's been linked with fantastic benefits. In the past, and to some extent today, it was/is all about the inheritance of property.

OF COURSE call your baby what you want. All I'm saying is that as a matter of historical fact, there is no tradition that says a baby has to have its father's name EVEN if you are married.

I would never give a child anything other than my name. So many couples break up and children end up with names of men they don't have anything to do with. It's extremely rare for an unmarried father to get full custody of the children.I
Op you can change names when you re register the child as a child of marriage.

I double barrelled our first child’s surname before we got married. When we got married I had to legally re-register the birth and the child now has my husband’s surname which is also now my surname. The child got a brand new birth certificate so there’s no sign of the double-barrelled surname at all (although for a couple of years their passport had the double-barrelled name until it was renewed). Give your surname or double barrel until after the wedding.

I'm in similar situation to you though I'm pregnant. I think your plan sounds fine especially as in England and Wales you have to reregister the birth certificate. I am not a traditionalist so don't hold strong views on this subject though when I get married I'm planning on changing my name. If I wasn't having a child I wouldn't but I think it just becomes awkward if one parent has a different surname to the child - plus, double barrelling is out of the question as our names together sound like a terrible porn star name. In my case for paperwork's sake I'm just going to give the father's name since it's not a requirement to reregister the birth certificate in Scotland.

I had my first daughter a year before we got married. I gave her my husbands surname as was planning to take his anyway so be seemed easier. They are very used to this in GP's when your having jabs etc... I was very pleased for us all to have the same surname a year later though. Good luck with conceiving and don't worry at all about doing it out of wedlock, to me it's a much bigger commitment to your partner than that so as long as your sure he's the one go for it ❤️

So..

1. You seem to be assuming that you have to chance your name to his when you get married. You don’t. He could change to yours for example. You could pick a new one. Or you both keep your original names. I go by Ms (maiden name)
2. It’s not traditional for a baby born out of wedlock to have their fathers name. At all. Babies born out of wedlock did not have their fathers name, nor the same inheritance rights. Traditionally a baby would have your name whatever it is. Times have moved on now but there is a very common misconception about what is traditional.

I gave my DC my name then decided not to change my name after marriage. DH wasn’t chuffed but there were reasons why. I see loads of women doing the majority of child raising for children that don’t have the same name as theirs. It doesn’t quite fit.

So many couples break up after children so you may never get round to getting married. Stick with yours.

Oh dear, the "bigger commitment" idea... Having a child is a commitment to the child (a commitment more likely to be upheld by the mother than by the father). It is no commitment whatsoever to each other. If you split or one of you dies (at least one of which will definitely happen, unless you're both immortal), you are unprotected. As you can see every day on the Relationships board here. This is more a comment for others reading, not the OP, but I didn't want to let that old chestnut slide.

Personally our boy will have my OHs surname we're engaged but only just (plan to marry in the next couple of years) although even if we weren't I'd still give our son his surname I never even thought to question it. I'm surprised how much the topic comes up on here. Just my opinion though

The easiest solution is to give baby your name and then for your husband to adopt that name on marriage.

There is no earthly reason for this not to happen.

@Delilah221 I got married last year. We also didn’t “elope” so as not to upset the family... MIL sobbed at the idea. So we did it more their way. I think they had a good day overall but they are still disappointed at some aspects and I SO wish that we’d done it our way. Everyone always says it, I know, but please learn from my mistake!!

Have the little wedding now and make it easier for everything if that’s what you want, then celebrate with a bigger day down the line, potential with baby too! I wish we had.

@MimiDaisy11 Just wanted to say, that although it's not a requirement, you still can re-register a birth post-marriage of a child's parents in Scotland too, if you wanted to do it like that.

www.nrscotland.gov.uk/files/registration/form-rr1.pdf

I think given this is possible, it makes sense to do mother's surname until marriage, and then re-register (if you want) with father's surname post wedding. It's a good compromise.

In my area, its very common for unmarried couples to have kids. They always have the mans surname. And it's the mum doing the doctors appointments etc. No problems in having different surnames, despite what some people here have said.

Your name. Always your name.

Why do you want to change your name when you get married?

I was in exactly the same position as you a couple of months ago, I had all the same feelings as wanting the same name as the baby. We'd need trying a year and started the initial stages of seeing a fertility consultant and I felt awkward that we was so desperate to have a baby but not married- again like you waiting for after Covid but in the end had a real frank conversation about priorities and decided an elopement to Gretna Green at the beginning of December with just us and we will plan a big reception after that for our family and friends. 2 weeks after booking the wedding and 4 weeks away from it I found out I was pregnant, absolutely overjoyed and I completely get everyone's makes different choices and priorities but you have to do what's rights for you. All our family and friends were so pleased for us and then telling them about the baby topped it off.
Good luck with the what you decide x

Honestly I would give baby your name & keep your own name after marriage. But if you are intending to take your partners name after marriage it would be easier to give that name when you register. Growing up my mum had 3 different kids with different last names & she changed her own twice. It didn't cause any issues.

Marriage isn’t about a big party and a white frock.

It offers legal protections that you really should put in place BEFORE the baby.

Why would you choose NOT to be legally protected? Weddings are still happening under lockdown.

Also, you don’t have to change your name. I did when I married young and I regret it now I’m older and wiser. I remarried on the condition my name was going nowhere.

Thanks for all the responses on here.

And I appreciate everyone has their opinions. But just to make things clear, I’m choosing to take my partners name, and would’ve still taken his name child or no child. I am aware you don’t have to, this is my choice. As stupid as some people may think it is, everyone’s going to have an opinion. And that’s fine.

I just wanted some advice on something that had been playing on my mind, I wasn’t actually expecting such a response, but thank you for responding.

We have actually decided to go for a small ceremony in the next couple of months, and then have a reception when possible. Which was what I originally wanted to do regardless, but I stupidly tried to make all family members happy which is never going to be possible.

For those that have gone through those issues of infidelity/10 year engagements/cheating fiancé’s... I really do understand that these are possible scenarios, but it doesn’t mean that it definitely will happen. And if any of them do, then that’s my problem to deal with.

And for those that offered helpful advice and support, thank you. I really appreciate it.

I have a baby on the way with my boyfriend, we are planning on getting married one day but in no rush. I'm not even sure if I would change my own name when married if I'm honest so I'm also not sure what name to give the baby, my current thinking is to give her a double barrelled last name (as we would do this if we split anyway) and use that on all her official documents. People/friends very rarely ask for the babies full name so you could informally refer to them as yours or your partners name (whatever you're comfortable with) until you're married then all switch to his last name when you're married, but until then the baby has both of your names for legal documents/Dr's which is a fail safe for you both.
I will probably give her a double barrelled last name and then figure out whether to change it as and when we get married, but until then she has both our names and everyone's happy!

@LividLoving

Marriage isn’t about a big party and a white frock.

It offers legal protections that you really should put in place BEFORE the baby.

Why would you choose NOT to be legally protected? Weddings are still happening under lockdown.

Also, you don’t have to change your name. I did when I married young and I regret it now I’m older and wiser. I remarried on the condition my name was going nowhere.

What legal protections does it offer? That effects the baby? Thanks

@sandandso

Oh dear, the "bigger commitment" idea... Having a child is a commitment to the child (a commitment more likely to be upheld by the mother than by the father). It is no commitment whatsoever to each other. If you split or one of you dies (at least one of which will definitely happen, unless you're both immortal), you are unprotected. As you can see every day on the Relationships board here. This is more a comment for others reading, not the OP, but I didn't want to let that old chestnut slide.

Agree with this 100%

PrivateParty googling brings up plenty of resources, a couple of examples:

www.simpsonmillar.co.uk/media/the-legal-benefits-of-being-married-uk/

www.economist.com/special-report/2017/11/23/why-would-be-parents-should-choose-to-get-married

Fathers name. Child will take it anyway so just give them it now.