Engaged - so who's last name to give?

[Delilah221]

Hi All,

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post, just wanted some advice!

We're currently TTC our first, and we got engaged around 3 weeks ago!

Basically - before we got engaged, I said to my OH that if we're not married when we have children, the baby would take my last name until we got married. (This was not a push for him to propose as i said this around 2 years ago!) I think it's fair as I would've carried them/birthed them and wouldn't like them having a different last name to me. (This may sound childish/selfish i know)

I also am confused as to how it would work at hospital/docs when your baby has a different last name to you?

However, as we are now engaged and looking to get married in 2022, I'm unsure as to what sure name to give our future bubba? My gut is saying to give them my last name until we marry, and then update both mine and babies name on the birth certificate once we get married. But on the flip side, should i give them my OH's last name and just update mine when we get married? I have no doubt that the wedding wouldn't happen (If it didn't it would be down to Covid, not us deciding not to lol)

I appreciate this may sound ridiculous to some as we're still TTC and don't have a baby on the way yet. It's just something that has been on my mind for a while and having a different last name to my own child is something i feel quite strongly about.

Apologies for the lengthy post, any help/advice would be great!

Another agreeing you should stick to your plan of your name until marriage. Your original reasoning is sound and convention is baby gets mum's name, it's just also convention that she's married and has the same name as the father.

I eloped, no one got upset though some questioned our choices. We were planning to have a big party on the one year anniversary, but we were dealing with our honeymoon baby at that point so pushed it back...we eventually had an anniversary party at the pub for our 10th

Name changing can be a pain (I changed my entire name soon after marriage), but the vast majority of places do not care as long as your info lines up so just do it as things come up. I had a passport in the 'wrong' name for over a decade that I used as ID, even at banks. The only people who cared was the Home Office (and they didn't actually care, they'd use paperwork in other names with appropriate evidence, they just wouldn't refer to me by any other name than what was on my passport).

Thanks again guys - I'll do a generic response to everyone:

I appreciate where you are all coming from and I also appreciate hearing everyones thoughts. To answer a few Q's :

• We would be happy to have a registry office "official" wedding then just a reception when covid allows. As i have said previously, it's more his side of the family that are wanting a big weeding. ( I know i need to just do what's best for us)

• The reason we're TTC now, is because it may take a long time. And many many people are still having children during this pandemic, i whilst i agree it's not fair to put more pressure on the NHS plus put myself/future baby in harms way for the sake of needing medical care. But i equally feel it is completely down to me when i decide I'm ready to TTC. And we are not expecting anthing to happen any time soon. And there will also be around 9 months between conceiving and actually giving birth too. I'm not giving birth tomorrow.

Thank you for all your responses I'll talk to my OH again and go from there. As my mind is set on elope/small registry office wedding now and a reception at some point in the future.

@BiBabbles - Congrats on baby and getting married! I think we will hopefully do the same, and have a party when we can.

Another generic response to all:
In terms of taking my OH's name, I actually quite like that tradition. It's my own decision to take his name. I don't feel i am being forced to do so just because it's a tradition. I completely agree that you don't have to take your OH's name, and i wouldn't expect anyone to do so just because it's tradition. It's everyones own choice to decide what they want to do. And opinions are opinions, and just because you think one way, doesn't mean everyone should think the same.

Whose

With TTC it can be quick and it can be years! I know people who would have to overcome lots of health issues/obstacles to conceive, conceive straight away! Whereas myself no issues and unexplained infertility took 2.5 years.
I don't really understand the point of the original post tbh as if you feel that strongly about having the same surname to your child then give the child your surname. It's no one else's business and what you want to do. If your other half is happy with that then it's sorted.
We preferred to get married, share the same family name and then have a child. Everyone is different. But have a look at the legal side of things and rights prior to having a child if you aren't married.

Your name till you are married.

There was a thread on here recently from someone who was regretting giving her dc her dh’s name, because despite being engaged for ten years he was still putting off getting married and coming up with excuses. She was sick of having a different name from her kids when she had told her OH right from the start that this was important to her. He had persuaded her that she might as well use his name, as soon they’d be married anyway. Then ten years passed.

She was gradually realising that he no longer had any intention of marrying her, because he had everything he wanted and there would always be higher family priorities for their money now. She was very bitter about it.

If you plan to change your name and baby's name after getting married then just give baby your partner's name now. It will be such a faff changing it.

@Metallicalover Exactly, it's different for everyone. Thank you for your response.

That's understandable, and if i was seeing it from the other-side i'd probably think the same. I think it was more getting it off my chest as it's been on my mind for ages. Oddly enough it wasn't an issue when we wasn't engaged as it was going to be my name. But with a wedding potentially in a year or so then i wasn't sure if i was being a bit unreasonable!

I agree it's no one else's business, guess i just wanted some input (First ever post, only been on here a day or so, but still expected a few negative comments lol)

I personally would've preferred that way round too, but with age etc we'd like to start TTC.

Your name always if you aren't married.

To be honest I would just go ahead and have a tiny Covid safe wedding but then I'm definitely a small wedding person.

Ideally you need to give your child the surname it will have for the rest of its life otherwise especially when the child is an adult it will subjected to proving all the names it has been known by from the day it was born.

Yours

I'm due in March. Baby will have double barrelled name, when we get married in April I'm not changing my name so no need to change hers. Future FIL is the only one who has a problem with both the double barrelling and me not changing my name.

If you plan to have a child with him before marriage and want to take his name, legally change yours to his now if you know it's one you are happy to keep no matter what happens within your relationship.

Absolutely nobody in the position you are in now is thinking things will go wrong, but they can and do every day, we are all human.

Fair enough OP, it’s completely your decision but I hope you’re open to the possibility of it happening next month because it quite often does. And you will need at least some level of medical care throughout the pregnancy even if it’s textbook. Unless there are urgent medical or age related reasons why it’s now or never, I personally think anyone TTC at this point is insane. There is a very real, utterly terrifying possibility, of the NHS collapsing completely in the next month or two. And it’s not a case of thinking, oh well I just need maternity services-if it gets as bad as it might, there will be no area of the NHS untouched. I’m far from a doom mongerer but this is probably the worst possible time in the history of the NHS that you could voluntarily choose to need its services. I really hope you’ve thought that through, as well as what to name your baby! I wish you lots of luck whatever you decide and hope all goes well for you. Just don’t become one of the many women ok these boards bitter and angry that their boyfriend of a decade still hasn’t married them and they’ve given up all their earning potential for the pleasure.

I was engaged when both dc were born and we decided to give them their DFs surname.

In hospital their name bands said "baby my surname" but this is only so they can "match" the right baby to the right mother.

Their DF and I never married and split up when they were 5 and 3. Them having a different surname to me has never been an issue. They've been to 3 schools between them, teachers have always known we have different names. The dr has never questioned it. The HV never questioned it. Etc etc etc.

The only problem we've had was about a year ago when DS1 didn't want his dads name anymore. He was going to change it as soon as he was allowed. He's less bothered now. And tbh that's a "my father is a loser" issue.

Congratulations, OP

Women changing their names on marriage is actually a fairly recent custom, not very ancient tradition.

For example, Shakespeare's wife was known as Anne Hathaway, not Anne Shakespeare, although lawyers writing soon after her time remarked that customs were changing - in England, though not in France or the Netherlands or other parts of Britain and Ireland. In Scotland until the 19th cent probably most women kept their own names.
From the early 18th cent, independent-minded women in England still kept their own names, and men who married heiresses or women from important noble families sometimes had to change their names to match their wife's name. In the 19th cent, campaigners for women's education and civil rights (eg the vote) also chose to keep their own names, especially in the USA. Or else they double-barrelled them, such as the UK's Elizabeth Garrett Anderson, the pioneer doctor who worked to provide medical services for poor women.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

Of course, you must do as you want, but as others have said, there is no legal need to change your name; legally in the UK you can call yourself what you want so long as it is not fraudulent. Your marriage certificate won't show your married name, just your name and your husband's.

It's the same with Miss, Ms, Mrs . They are all short for the same word, 'Mistress'. For centuries, that was a title of respect - matching 'Mr' - used for ANY adult woman, regardless of marital status. Just like the French 'Madame' still is today.
www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

However, if you do want to change your name, here is a useful summary:
www.theguardian.com/money/2013/feb/06/changing-your-name-dos-and-donts

I wouldn't consider kids at all until after you get married but if you're going to definitely give your surname. After baby arrives you will probably book doctors, liaise with HV, nurseries etc and if you have a different name to your child it'll be more difficult for you to do this (unless you get your husband to take over all child related matters) I have had friends do that.

As my mind is set on elope/small registry office wedding now and a reception at some point in the future.

A wise plan xx

[quote florascotia2]Congratulations, OP

Women changing their names on marriage is actually a fairly recent custom, not very ancient tradition.

For example, Shakespeare's wife was known as Anne Hathaway, not Anne Shakespeare, although lawyers writing soon after her time remarked that customs were changing - in England, though not in France or the Netherlands or other parts of Britain and Ireland. In Scotland until the 19th cent probably most women kept their own names.
From the early 18th cent, independent-minded women in England still kept their own names, and men who married heiresses or women from important noble families sometimes had to change their names to match their wife's name. In the 19th cent, campaigners for women's education and civil rights (eg the vote) also chose to keep their own names, especially in the USA. Or else they double-barrelled them, such as the UK's Elizabeth Garrett Anderson, the pioneer doctor who worked to provide medical services for poor women.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-29804450

Of course, you must do as you want, but as others have said, there is no legal need to change your name; legally in the UK you can call yourself what you want so long as it is not fraudulent. Your marriage certificate won't show your married name, just your name and your husband's.

It's the same with Miss, Ms, Mrs . They are all short for the same word, 'Mistress'. For centuries, that was a title of respect - matching 'Mr' - used for ANY adult woman, regardless of marital status. Just like the French 'Madame' still is today.
www.cam.ac.uk/research/news/mistress-miss-mrs-or-ms-untangling-the-shifting-history-of-titles

However, if you do want to change your name, here is a useful summary:
www.theguardian.com/money/2013/feb/06/changing-your-name-dos-and-donts[/quote]
Didn't they used to have mademoiselle and only abolished it fairly recently in favour of using madame for all?

Mademoiselle was only used for girls and young women. It was nothing to do with being married or not.
Once you got to a certain age (as far as I remember, around 20-25) you were Madame, regardless of marital status. I remember the fist time I was called 'madame' in a shop in France - in my early 20s, and still a student. Made me feel suddenly rather old and much more grown up!

To be more precise, Mademoiselle did have overtones of virginity about it; and in the past that definitely suggested a young woman who was not married. But even when Mademoiselle was more widespread, 'Madame' was used in everyday conversations - eg with a shop assistant or a ticket clerk - for all mature adult women, married or not.

That's not to say that French naming customs are all sweetness and light. As this article shows, even though by law since the 1980s French women can use whatever surname they choose, French officialdom still harps on about marital status on important forms, and the Internet, following the same pattern, has made the situation worse.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/feb/24/madame-mademoiselle-sex-french-women

Why don't you get married first?

I know it's a bit old-fashioned (I am over 50) but it would save all this angst...

OP me and my DP are engaged (delayed wedding due to covid).

Our dd has a double barralled surname now, and we'll change it to his surname when we get married and i change my name as well.

I didn't want to wiat to get married before having a child, like you say everyone has different priorities.

Definitely don't do his until you are married

I first met my husband end of April 2014, we became a couple 9th may 2014. We decided to start trying for a baby in July 2014, we moved in together in October 2014, I got pregnant in November 2014, we found out I was pregnant 19th December 2014. We got engaged 13th January 2015, and got married 9th April 2015. Baby was due 30th August 2015, was actually born on 5th September 2015.
So we had been together exactly 11 months the day we got married. I know it's very quick, being married and expecting a baby within less than a year of being together, but it worked for us. We had discussed marriage and both agreed it was what we wanted, but we weren't officially engaged. But when we found out I was pregnant we both knew it was important to us to be married before the baby was born, and I didn’t want to be showing if possible, so we made sure we were. It was perfect. Some people might think we only got married because I was pregnant, but that was never the case at all. I wanted to have the same name on the notes, scans and definitely on the birth certificate. It meant a lot to us to be married first.