Baby’s surname when you’ve kept your maiden name

[LuckyFlash]

Just after some opinions on what surname to give our baby. DH and I are married but I have kept my maiden name.

Let’s say my last name is Smith and DH’s last name is Jones. Our options are either:

1. Give the baby one name or the other
2. Call the baby firstname middlename Smith Jones
3. call the baby firstname middlename smith-Jones

Option 1 worries me as it may cause problems for the person who doesn’t share a last name with our child (probably me as DH’s last name is marginally cooler)

Option 2 is currently my favourite but I presume people would just default to jones meaning we’re essentially back to option 1?

Is it weird to go with option 3 and double barrel and all have different names?

I’m considering giving in and changing my name to DH’s simply for ease of us all having one name together...

What have others done in this situation?

I would say if you were unmarried for baby to have your name but seeing as you’re married and have kept your maiden name I think double barrel with the hyphen is the best option in this case.

Not done this as I changed my surname - but dh used to live in a country where it was more normal/common that women didn't change their surnames. Children would be routinely given double barrelled names dad-mum name. When they had dcs, the dad bit was the one that was doubled, so your child would be Jones-Smith. If they were a boy and had a baby with a woman with Baker-Watt surname, their child would be Jones-Baker.

Does that make sense?

My friend has a similar situation. She's married but both her and her DH already had dc. Her and her ds have her maiden name. Her dh and his ds have his surname. Then they've double barrelled them for their joint dds. It works for them.

We did 2. Works fine.

Option 1 worries me as it may cause problems for the person who doesn’t share a last name with our child (probably me as DH’s last name is marginally cooler)

I think you’ll find that every single woman who has posted on this topic in the history of MN has eventually chosen her husbands name to be the last because

His is easier to spell

His is more unique

His is more common

His is less common

His is more foreign

His is less foreign

His name works better with this first name he has chosen

He has no siblings

He has many siblings

He has a small family

He has a big family

His name is is own name whereas hers is just her fathers

Her name is weird and embarrassing and she is desperate to change it, even though her father and none of her brothers, uncles and make cousins feel the same way

It would upset his parents if they don’t chose his name and they are lovely people

It wouldn’t upset her parents if they Don’t choose her name because they are lovely people

It Would upset him if he didn’t get his own way As he’s a man

She is used to not getting her own way as she is a woman

He wants them all to have a family name but not enough to actually Change his Own name

Changing names is a lot of hassle for men but not for women

Women are better suited to the tedious admin involved in name changing

But “His is more cool“ is a new one for my list, so thank you.

IMO If you have to choose between which parent’s name, then it’s more practical and fairer to use the name of the person who is the main carer, as they will be with the child most often.

We have done option 2 (both surnames, no hyphen). With no hyphen it allows a bit more flexibility to drop one of the surnames. People don't often default to the last name only, but if they do it's not the end of the world.

Friends of ours have done option 3 (both surnames with hyphen). They both have 1-syllable surnames so it works quite well as the hyphenated name is still pretty short.

Please don't change your surname or just give DH's because it's "cooler"! Definitely give DC both surnames (assuming they sound ok together and they're not too long).

My kid have my surname as their middle name. We don't have names that suit being double barrelled. It has been really handy at airports many times when traveling alone with them

Option 4 - change your surname to DH and all have the same name 🤷‍♀️

Ha @S00LA has nailed it

They had then DP's name because I honestly didn't care, and he did. Not remotely bothered by not sharing a surname with them: my name is my name, their names are their names. Never had a problem in 9 years, just respond to the initial "Mrs Smith" (when someone makes the assumption from the kids names) and politely correct them if there's ever a need to

We have done option 2, we have partial spanish heritage thank christ so i can blame it on that lest people think I am a DISTASTEFUL FEMINIST TYPE. School get it wrong all the time (this is what I mean re the heritage as weirdly 'are you not respecting my children's diversity' is apparently far far more acceptable than 'are you not respecting my right to choose my name and my kids' name' but I live in a place where literally no one else I know did not joyfully change their name and i'm sure it make people massively judge us. It doesn't default to one actually! AND, the kids absolutely love it.

ivfbeenbusy Or more obviously her DH could change his surname to hers?

My kids have my DH's name because mine is complicated to spell and pronounce.

We chose option 3 for DD - fairly straightforward choice as both surnames were short, familiar, easily pronounced, and they happened to work well together. So we were lucky on that count. But it does mean that we now have three different surnames within our family, which I imagine could lead to complications with admin etc later on - nothing’s perfect I suppose!

Wouldn’t have gone with option 1 as with these things it usually defaults to the man’s name and I didn’t want DD to lose my name entirely.

Just to add that DP and I aren’t married, so not quite the same situation as yours, but even if we were (and we are planning to at some point) I’d double barrel my name with his, so DD and I would share the same name but not DP.

I also know some couples who have both double barrelled their names so everyone shares the same surname, but lovely and progressive as he generally is I don’t think DP would be on board with this.

We gave our kids both surnames and I know loads of people who have done the same (some hyphenated, some not). In the past it seemed a bit posh, but there isn't a perfect solution so we chose this as the fairest way. In the future the kids will have to decide how they will name their own kids of course, but I reckon they'll be able to handle it!

We've hyphenated. Family still use husbands surname only. Nursery call husband by my surname though so swings and roundabouts! And DC1 seems very proud of his big posh name and connected to both mum and dad (I'm smith like mum and jones like dad!!) so we're all happy.

@S00LA

Option 1 worries me as it may cause problems for the person who doesn’t share a last name with our child (probably me as DH’s last name is marginally cooler)

I think you’ll find that every single woman who has posted on this topic in the history of MN has eventually chosen her husbands name to be the last because

His is easier to spell

His is more unique

His is more common

His is less common

His is more foreign

His is less foreign

His name works better with this first name he has chosen

He has no siblings

He has many siblings

He has a small family

He has a big family

His name is is own name whereas hers is just her fathers

Her name is weird and embarrassing and she is desperate to change it, even though her father and none of her brothers, uncles and make cousins feel the same way

It would upset his parents if they don’t chose his name and they are lovely people

It wouldn’t upset her parents if they Don’t choose her name because they are lovely people

It Would upset him if he didn’t get his own way As he’s a man

She is used to not getting her own way as she is a woman

He wants them all to have a family name but not enough to actually Change his Own name

Changing names is a lot of hassle for men but not for women

Women are better suited to the tedious admin involved in name changing

But “His is more cool“ is a new one for my list, so thank you.

IMO If you have to choose between which parent’s name, then it’s more practical and fairer to use the name of the person who is the main carer, as they will be with the child most often.

This is depressingly so true. But it’s one of the best posts I’ve ever read on here.

@S00LA

Option 1 worries me as it may cause problems for the person who doesn’t share a last name with our child (probably me as DH’s last name is marginally cooler)

I think you’ll find that every single woman who has posted on this topic in the history of MN has eventually chosen her husbands name to be the last because

His is easier to spell

His is more unique

His is more common

His is less common

His is more foreign

His is less foreign

His name works better with this first name he has chosen

He has no siblings

He has many siblings

He has a small family

He has a big family

His name is is own name whereas hers is just her fathers

Her name is weird and embarrassing and she is desperate to change it, even though her father and none of her brothers, uncles and make cousins feel the same way

It would upset his parents if they don’t chose his name and they are lovely people

It wouldn’t upset her parents if they Don’t choose her name because they are lovely people

It Would upset him if he didn’t get his own way As he’s a man

She is used to not getting her own way as she is a woman

He wants them all to have a family name but not enough to actually Change his Own name

Changing names is a lot of hassle for men but not for women

Women are better suited to the tedious admin involved in name changing

But “His is more cool“ is a new one for my list, so thank you.

IMO If you have to choose between which parent’s name, then it’s more practical and fairer to use the name of the person who is the main carer, as they will be with the child most often.

YEEEEEES! Always a bloody reason other than what’s actually going on!

@ivfbeenbusy

Option 4 - change your surname to DH and all have the same name 🤷‍♀️

Option 5: DH changes his surname to hers and they all have the same name.

We went for option 6: DC have a different surname to both parents. Although it might technically be option 1 as it's the surname that DH is known as, and it's actually DH's father's first name. DH real surname is 5 syllables long and impossible to spell, I'm used to my surname and never wanted to change when I married but I had no particular urge to pass it on. We both liked DH's father's first name, so went with that. None of us have ever had any bother about having different surnames, except going through passport control and we just always carry certs with the DC's passports when we travel.

I went for option 3, I’m happy for my daughters to dump my surname if they want something shorter in adult hood. But whilst I’m a guardian I want my name there too for ease.

We went for option 3 but with my name last as it sounded better that way round.

This list of reasons choosing the father's name posted by @S00LA is depressingly accurate.

My kids have OH surname (married to him) but kept my own.

We did option 3. The children like having a surname which links to both parents. It took several years of negotiation to decide, though