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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

Can't agree on baby's surname

116 replies

Cl4rkii · 09/10/2019 09:32

I'm not with the father of my 2 week old, but need to register her birth soon. The father is insisting that I double-barrell the surname, but I don't want to. What if we don't come to an agreement by the six weeks. What happens then!

OP posts:

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MrBobLobLaw · 09/10/2019 09:52

That's a tough one @Cl4rkii. Do you want baby to have your surname?

Ultimately it is up to you (I believe?), but of course the best thing to do is come to some sort of agreement together, otherwise I imagine it will be a sticking point forever.

How involved is he with the baby? Is he supporting you and the baby financially?

DDIJ · 09/10/2019 09:54

This reply has been withdrawn

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LeveeOHsaNotLeveoSAH · 09/10/2019 09:55

Agree with previous. Your surname.

BertrandRussell · 09/10/2019 09:58

Your name. No argument. Go and do it today.

Lunafortheloveogod · 09/10/2019 09:58

You aren’t even with him. Your name. He only need to actually be there if you want him on the birth certificate in the first place or you could’ve already registered.

Aderyn19 · 09/10/2019 10:03

If you are not married then he has no say legally. The choice is entirely yours and you can put whatever you choose. Personally I would not give a baby the dad's name unless married, even if we were still in a relationship. When I had my first ds, he was given my name even though his dad and I were together and later married.
You will be the primary caregiver and it's more important that your baby has your name than his father's.
But legally it doesn't matter whether your ex agrees.

Confusednewmum1 · 09/10/2019 10:05

I am with my babies dad and hopefully will be forever. But we are not married and I really wish as a minimum I double barrelled it. If we were separated before baby born I would have definitely went with my name only. I have a friend who agreed with an ex that if he was still involved at the time the child went to school then they would change the name to the fathers. It worked out well for them, he’s a great dad but you’d never have put a fiver on it during her pregnancy.

pinkyredrose · 09/10/2019 10:09

It's not a 'tough one' at all! The baby should have your name. If he has his name on the birth certificate he could claim parental rights. Given that he's already throwing his weight around by 'insisting' do you really want that?

Spied · 09/10/2019 10:09

I'm in a long-term relationship with my DC's father and we essentially feel married without the legality.
I gave my DC their dads surname.
If i had not been with my partner for a very long time I would have used my name.
If I wasn't with the father in a relationship then regardless of whether we had a good relationship I would have given children my name.

Clangus00 · 09/10/2019 10:10

Register your child in your name. If he wants to be on the birth certificate then he can go with you and sign it, but give the baby your name.

pinkyredrose · 09/10/2019 10:10

You could your baby a new surname if you like, there's no reason she has to have a parents name.

upups · 09/10/2019 10:12

Give your baby your surname. I double barrelled and used m surname last and have that as my sons only surname on all medical records and will be the same when he starts nursery or clubs. I also didn't put my baby's father on the birth certificate and now things have got very messy I'm so glad I did that.

Millennial · 09/10/2019 10:13

If you’re unsure that is what you need to do.
You can always change it in the future to the fathers/partners name. But it is very difficult to change to back to yours if you were to register in his name.

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2019 10:14

Your name. This shouldn’t even be a discussion. Has he : suggested taking time off work to do childcare? Looked into babies and what they need? Actively volunteered time and money to buy baby essentials, being cot pram nappies vests sleepsuits nappy cream blankets sheets warm suit hat car seat? Planning to share pick up and drop off when you go back to work so your career doesn’t stagger along as you juggle childcare? Planning to pay for childcare so he and you can both work?

If no to any of the above then your name as you are going to take the weight of the parenting. You can say nicely this is my decision but certainly if I found you are an equal parent when I’m back at work and pulling your weight we could consider deed poll.

Aderyn19 · 09/10/2019 10:15

He can claim PR anyway if he wants to. But if he's not on the birth certificate he would need to apply through the court. He would get it quite easily (unless there's a valid reason for him not to), but it's more of an effort than being on the BC and getting them automatically.
But that is a separate issue to the name. Lots of women have found traveling abroad easier if they share a name with their child and you and the baby are the family unit, so it makes sense to share a name.
Let's see how your ex is about paying child support and doing his fair share of the child care. Some men are very good at demanding their rights while doing none of the work. He might turn out to be fantastic, in which case you could double barrel it later. But if you do it now and he turns out to be a shit dad, you cannot remove his name without his consent, which he is unlikely to give.

TwiddleMuff · 09/10/2019 10:15

Absolutely not a “tough one” - you’re not together. Baby gets your name.

Original poster

Cl4rkii · 09/10/2019 10:16

It has been proved by DNA that he is the father, so he does have parental rights. I think a way round it is to put his surname as a middle name but not double barrell it and then just not use it!

OP posts:

FriedasCarLoad · 09/10/2019 10:18

Maybe his surname could be a second(?) middle name.

Then you and the baby share a surname, but father’s surname still featured in the name and on the certificate.

FriedasCarLoad · 09/10/2019 10:18

Sorry, just saw that you’d concluded exactly the same thing!

SoupDragon · 09/10/2019 10:18

Ultimately, you hold all the power with respect to naming your baby as you're not married so you can do what you like. You can only do this if he's not there when you register the birth and thus can not be on the birth certificate though - if he is there he might make a fuss/insist

Why don't you want to double-barrelled the name? Is he an arse?

YetAnotherSpartacus · 09/10/2019 10:19

Your surname. Fuck him.

SoupDragon · 09/10/2019 10:20

I think using it as a middle name is a good compromise.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/10/2019 10:20

Your name. DNA has nothing to do with it. You’re not together, even if you were, if you weren’t married the baby gets your name. Your name!

TheFaerieQueene · 09/10/2019 10:21

Your name. If your DC wants to add his surname when they are legally old enough, then so be it.

Gustavo1 · 09/10/2019 10:25

I agree that the baby should get your name.
Unless you’re married and have changed your name to have a family surname, why should being the father trump being the mother just because “it’s traditional”?

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