Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Can't agree on baby's surname

116 replies

Cl4rkii · 09/10/2019 09:32

I'm not with the father of my 2 week old, but need to register her birth soon. The father is insisting that I double-barrell the surname, but I don't want to. What if we don't come to an agreement by the six weeks. What happens then!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

VenusClapTrap · 09/10/2019 13:50

Your name. Simple.

FizzyGreenWater · 09/10/2019 14:06

It has been proved by DNA that he is the father, so he does have parental rights.

Makes no difference whatsoever!!!

You aren't married. He therefore isn't even ALLOWED, legally, to register the baby. It's entirely your decision.

GIVE THE BABY YOUR SURNAME.

These boards are full, FULL of women who are no longer with their shits of exes and in many cases aren't even getting maintenance, and they bitterly regret giving their child the surname of a family and a man who doesn't give a shit about them.

Please don't give in. It's absolutely NONE of his business, which is why he's trying to bully you - he knows it's your decision and he has NO RIGHTS here at all.

He's already causing issues for you. Do you really think he's likely to be around in two, three years time?

And just think, why the fuck should your baby carry his name when he's not going to be doing the hard yards?

Your surname. Your baby will live with you, be in your family, let her have the security of the same name as her mother.

Petrichor11 · 09/10/2019 20:56

Always your surname especially if you’re not even with the father anymore.

RolytheRhino · 09/10/2019 20:58

meditrina · 09/10/2019 21:05

It's traditional for babies to have rheir mother's surname. If married, then that may well also be the fathers.

as unmarried, then yours

Happyandglorious · 10/10/2019 08:57

From your OP it sounds like the father is either quite intimidating or v keen to be involved. If he is speaking or acting aggressively and you are worried that he will blow up when he finds out about you registering the name, please make sure you have support. Either from family or friends or from support agencies. Hope you are ok @Cl4rkii. A lot to deal with on top of looking after a new born on your own

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 10/10/2019 10:00

Your surname. Not his. Not double-barrelled anything.
Give the baby your surname.

AverageMummy · 10/10/2019 11:05

Not sure what historic traditions have got to do with anything.

Even if parental rights hadn’t already been legally established - others might read this post & I want to point out that the baby’s surname is not in any way used to establish parental rights - it is the section that lists the parents.

OP - just give his as a middle name & yours as the surname. Don’t be forced in to a situation you don’t want.

TilandPop · 10/10/2019 11:09

Your surname 100%

Sleepyhead19 · 10/10/2019 11:16

I wasn't married to my ex partner. I gave the baby his surname. It caused a few issues, particularly as he was under two consultants at the hospital and he got 'lost' in their system because when he was born he had my name.
The big realisation that I should never have given the baby his surname was when I took him to the drs and saw a locum. She called me 'Mrs babysurname' and I corrected her. She said 'oh you're the nanny'.
Just before I found out I was expecting again, we had broken up. This baby is having MY name. I'm not going to allow myself to be vulnerable this time.
YOU are going to be the baby's primary carer. YOU will be likely be doing the majority of appointments and YOU have been through the pregnancy and labour without him. YOUR name.

LonginesPrime · 10/10/2019 11:21

You can always change it in the future to the fathers/partners name. But it is very difficult to change to back to yours if you were to register in his name

This - you'd need his permission in the future to change it if you give him parental responsibility. You choose whether to give him parental responsibility by having him named on the birth cert. But you're not married so unless he is named on the birth cert he won't have PR, regardless of DNA.

Also, there are lots of drawbacks to having another person having PR and if he's already railroading you about the name (and trying to convince you that DNA means he has parental rights), it doesn't bode well for future co-parenting and I certainly would not be giving him the extra power of PR.

He can then stop you going on holiday with your child and gets a say in schools and other important decisions - if he's behaving like this now, it's not wise to name him in the birth cert and give him that power.

JellyfishSting · 10/10/2019 11:23

I had this exact same problem... What we did with my DD was give her a middle name that was the female version of dad's name.

Think Sam/Samantha Daniel/Daniella Henry/Henrietta

I didn't like it so much, but it was my compromise because we had a rocky relationship to say the least, we're not together now. But DD lives with me, dad has very little input. And I am ultimately happy we have the same last name.

Also if you get back with him and get married, changing the name is easy peasy.

If you marry someone else and your child's father is on the birth certificate, you can't change your child's name without his consent.

I'd certainly consider whether you want him on the birth certificate or not. Have you looked into PR?

Whatever you decide, make sure nobody has influenced your decision. You are strong x

Sexnotgender · 10/10/2019 11:24

Your surname, no question about it.

horse4course · 10/10/2019 11:47

I'd go with yours and his as a middle name.

I have different second name to DH, kids have my second name as a middle name. But neither of us really cared much about it!

RolytheRhino · 10/10/2019 12:17

With DNA he can petition for PR through the courts I think but that takes time, meaning in the very early days you don't need to have arguments about him having the baby (not good for the baby when it is tiny) and overnights and all that. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate- if anyone asks just say you didn't realise he had to come with you to be on the birth certificate and by the time you found out it was too late. Say you'll add him later. Keep forgetting.

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/10/2019 12:19

Your surname.

TeacupDrama · 10/10/2019 12:25

firstly I think your idea to use Dads surname as second middle name is better so john james Smith Rkii rather than John James Smith-Rkii
so day to day he will be John Rkii but on full documents his fathers name will be there
if he is the father and DNA has already proved that he will have no difficulty getting parental responsibility whether on original birth certificate or not with DNA evidence he can get added to birth certificate too
however none of this changes OP right's to decide the name PR doesn't give right to chose a name or even insist on double barrelling OP doesn't have a veto on PR
if he is definitely the father he should be on birth certificate unless abuse involved

CleopatraTomato · 10/10/2019 15:00

Both names. The baby has a mother and a father.

Topseyt · 11/10/2019 03:27

DNA does not in itself give him automatic parental rights. You aren't even with him.

Don't put him on the birth certificate. Give the child your surname. He will have to challenge through the courts if he is serious.

leafyskyline · 11/10/2019 03:54

You don't need a way round this. It's your choice entirely. Choose the name that you want. If the father is bullying the mother of his child two weeks postpartum I wouldn't have his name anywhere near the child. Give him a name that makes you happy whenever you write it down.

071019DD · 11/10/2019 04:17

Difficult to say without knowing you and him but if you think he wants and will be a big part of your childs life for the long term, is supporting you and child emotionally and financially ie you have a wonderful relationship it just didn't work out romantically then personally I'd consider double barreling, it is his child and your bubba may want that name connection to him.

If none of that is the case or you have any doubts about his motive/intentions etc I'd go with just my surname. I liked a PP suggestion that if in 5 years he's around and a good dad you can always get him added. Good luck OP with everything and enjoy your lil one 💗

littletikes27 · 11/10/2019 05:23

I don't agree with PP saying "you're not together, your name". I am not with my DD's dad anymore but wouldn't dream of changing her name. As a parent the mother makes so many decisions that the father doesn't really get a look in.

I think double barrel and just not use his if you don't want to. My DD has a double barrelled first name, very unique not mae or rose for example, and nobody really uses it however it's nice for her official documents to use it

littletikes27 · 11/10/2019 05:24

@Topseyt why should he have to go through the courts?

stayathomer · 11/10/2019 05:35

It has been proved by DNA that he is the father, so he does have parental rights.
If on birth the father had custody then his name, but since it's you, then definitely your name (but I understand why he wants you to do that)
For the person who says 'fuck him,' why? We don't know anything about him, fair enough if ok had said he's abusive or controlling then, yeah, fuck him, but otherwise he's the baby's father

MrsBertBibby · 11/10/2019 05:37

OP use your surname. His as a second middle is a good plan.

Just register on your own if he can't behave. Silly boy.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread