My husband won’t let me use a name that is v important to me

[Namedrama]

I’ve name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Nina Simone who was my father’s favourite singer. When my father was dying I would play him Nina Simone tracks and we’d listen together and we had some lovely last moment sharing our love of her music. I told him that if I had a daughter I would remember my dad by using the name Nina.

My DH dislikes the name. He won’t even entertain it. I’m heart broken, it’s not just a name I love, it’s a connection to my dad. The baby will have DH’s last name and a middle name that is traditional in his family - is it too much to ask for a first name that humour my dead father?

I think The difference here is you liked the names he suggested' he simply doesn't like Nina, like you are refusing his suggestion of mila for no good reason'.

As for the name if he doesn't like it he doesn't like it, if my husband had said he wished to call our daughter beryl because he loved it' and it it had sentimental meaning to him I'd have vetoed.

As it was at the time I loved the name Lara. It was before Lara Croft, my husband vetoed on the basis there was a famous cricketer called Brian Lara and it made him think of cricket, I'd never heard if Brian Lara and thought it ludicrous but accepted his veto as I would expect him to accept mine.

I think you both need to like the first name, BUT I do not think it’s fair that the middle name and last name will both be his and he’s being awkward about a name you love. You need a fair compromise. Can you have two middle names to include Nina as a middle? Or ditch his middle name and just use Nina. I think you are right to push for a double barrelled surname - that’s what we are doing with our baby as I don’t want my baby to not have my surname. I think you can come to a solution that works but it sounds like he is being really stubborn. At the end of the day it is the mother that decides the names legally!

Plus, she'll end up being called Ninny at school.

She really won't.

Dead ringer would you have the same opinion over maintenance? That he shouldn't have equal sway/responsibility?

Honestly don't see what maintenance has to do with anything that is a legal obligation aside from anything else. The point is op really likes this name, it had a special meaning for her. He appears to have dismissed it out of hand. Perhaps he has good reason for disliking it, but op hasn't said that. He appears to have had his way about every other name, as I said earlier I think it's op's turn. Maybe my dh is more easy going, maybe he is kinder, I don't know, but he was happy to let me choose the names of the babies I brought into the world. If he had the option to give birth, he could have chosen the names. He didn't have the option so it's moot. Imo the ops dh should let her choose in this instance. At the end of the day they will have to sort it out between them. Fwiw I have a dn called Nina and she has never been called ninny, the two sound nothing alike.

Why is he legally obligated? Because he also made the child and so is jointly responsible for them and as such should have a fair say.

For what it’s worth, I think Nina is a lovely name and both Ninas I’ve known are lovely people.

Is there any chance either Nina or Simone would grow on him? It's hard to see what's not to like about either of them, but if he can't like Nina despite what it means to you, then it's fair enough.

It's important to you to have Nina in your dd's name, so it can be a middle name. My children both have two middle names, and it's a complete non-issue.

A first name needs to be something that you can agree on.

Regarding surnames, are you happy to relinquish your wish for double-barrelled names? In lots of families that I know, the children are given the father's surname which is fine if that works for both parents. Not okay if it doesn't.

It's his baby too.

But, Nina is actually a really lovely name

If he dislikes it he’s not U to rule it out as a middle name either.

Because double barreled names are stupid. Where do they end? What if the child with the double barreled name marries somebody with a double barreled name? Does their child become Jane Black-Smith-Johnson-Thompson? And what happens when Jane marries John Watson-Wilson-Brown-Scott? By the 6th generation the poor child has an entire archaeology exhibit tagged onto their name.

So what does your DH say when you point out that the baby will have his surname, his middle name, and he's veto-ing the one name you want?

What solution to this is he coming up with?

I'm sure your DH is a nice man - you wouldn't have married him otherwise, right? So he's a decent sort?

He must have some idea of how to compromise on this, or at least to allow you a modicum of say on the name of the human you've gestated for 9 months and given birth to.

Does their child become Jane Black-Smith-Johnson-Thompson?

Why does this weak argument continue to get trotted out?

Have you ever heard of this actually happening?

And do you know what they do in Spain, where double-barrelled names are the norm?

I would use it as a middle name, along with another middle name that he chooses. I would also give the baby my last name though. Or both. Then you can come up with a first name you both love.

Although in Spain it is the father’s name and the husband’s name that are double barrelled Dowager, so it’s also a pile of patriarchal shite!

I don’t think your dh understands just how much you are honouring him or just how much you have compromised. Traditionally children are given their mothers surname. The reason as to why it appears to be the father’s is because the mother has taken it upon marriage. You chose to keep your name. I think you should have double barrelled tbh. Or given your first child your surname. Perhaps this is worth pointing out for he seems to think he should pick every name.

For this reason, I do believe patriarchy has done a number on we women.

As for your dds first name, I love the idea of Angelina or Simone. Nina as a middle name and unless you want 2 middle names, jettison his middle name. Time for him to compromise tbh. He got pick of first and surnames last time.

There's still a perfectly usable system for double-barrelled man + double-barrelled woman, that can be adapted for modern times.

Yes, I agree, but where did most of the women’s names come from? At least for the last four generations or so. I think making up names would be a cooler way to go!

Feed into the decision that middle names are utterly pointless and barely feature in a persons everyday life.

How frustrating Nina is a great name. I would be pissed off seeing as he gets the surname.

Fortunately for me my dh is easily led on things like this so if I liked it he liked it.

Personally I think the mother should choose the first and second names. Heck you're doing all the work and then it gets his surname?

That's a shame but I agree that you should both like the name. I dislike the name Nina and wouldn't like to call my daughter it even if I had chosen the middle name. However if it is so important to you it should be a middle name. I hope you come to a compromise and find a suitable name whilst also honouring your father.

Just a little update to say DH has agreed to Nina! He changed his mind after a scan this week when she “looked like a Nina”. She actually looked like a grey blur but I’m not arguing.

That's lovely to hear OP. Nina is a beautiful name.

Great news!

(I have met a couple of people recently that had triple hyphenated names, they were a bit of a mouthful and seemed pretty silly)