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Baby names

Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Original poster

My husband won’t let me use a name that is v important to me

129 replies

Namedrama · 09/12/2018 09:27

I’ve name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Nina Simone who was my father’s favourite singer. When my father was dying I would play him Nina Simone tracks and we’d listen together and we had some lovely last moment sharing our love of her music. I told him that if I had a daughter I would remember my dad by using the name Nina.

My DH dislikes the name. He won’t even entertain it. I’m heart broken, it’s not just a name I love, it’s a connection to my dad. The baby will have DH’s last name and a middle name that is traditional in his family - is it too much to ask for a first name that humour my dead father?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Scrumptiousbears · 09/12/2018 10:36

Whilst I know that name means a lot to you, you cannot insist on it if he really doesn't like it.

Those who are saying you carried the baby it's your choice (or similar) are, quite frankly ignorant at best.

I agree with adding an additional middle name.

MrsCar · 09/12/2018 10:39

You can't expect him to call his own child a name that he hates
Even if he gives in, to please you, he'll probably never change his mind. Worst case scenario: he'd resent you and it could even affect his bond with the baby. It sounds extreme, but I've read threads here over the years where OPs went with a name because it meant a lot to their partner and massively regretted it.

There are a few names that I really hate, to the point that they make my skin crawl. There is just no way I could call my children those names, even if my dh had the same reasons you do for wanting those names.

It should be a decision that both of you make together.

There will always be one parent who isn't as keen on a name as the other parent, but I can't imagine naming one of our children a name and knowing that my dh hated it.

It's disappointing, of course, I get that, but you need to let it go and move on to another name that you can agree on.

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2018 10:41

The name in daily use should be something both parents can at least tolerate.

However why does DH get to dictate both the surname and the forenames of your children? He has vetoed your surname, used his family forenames for the first child and wants to do the same for the second?

Compromise works both ways. Its your turn for a choice to take priority. Either she has your surname or your choice of a forename.

What on earth was his excuse for vetoing the double barrel option?

daisypond · 09/12/2018 10:42

I don't think you can have a name if your DH doesn't agree to it. I love Nina, personally, and I think it's a much cooler and stronger name than Mila, which is, however, pleasant enough.
How about Nina as another middle name? Or Simone as a first name?

titchy · 09/12/2018 10:52

First name you both agree on. Middle name 1 - Nina, middle name 2 - his choice.

cariadlet · 09/12/2018 10:57

Patriarchy has really done a number on us to call a woman who wants one of the names of her child to be her decision, to be called bullying

Rubbish.

If a child has 2 parents that are both going to be involved in its upbringing then both parents should jointly choose a first name that they both like. It would be wrong for either to claim the right to choose a name unilaterally.

I don't know why the op can't just go along with the eminently sensible suggestion made by several posters that the baby has 2 middle names (Nina for the OP and her DH's family name) and they jointly choose a first name that they both like.

btw I quite like Nina although it reminds me of Being Human more than Nina Simone.

SoupDragon · 09/12/2018 10:59

Patriarchy has really done a number on us to call a woman who wants one of the names of her child to be her decision, to be called bullying

You need to work on your comprehension skills because that's not what I said at all.

ReanimatedSGB · 09/12/2018 11:00

Give the kid two middle names and bear in mind (and point out to your H) that when she gets a bit older, the name she goes by might not be one either of you like - either a short version of her given name or a nickname that she and her friends use so much it becomes the name she goes by all the time.

But remember that your H is not the boss of the household and is not entitled to unquestioning obedience from you.

ZebraKid71 · 09/12/2018 11:01

There are some very extreme responses here.

A child's name needs to be a compromise between both parents, sometimes you won't be able to use your favourite name if your partner hates it - just as your partner wouldn't be able to use a name he loved if you hated it.

In your position, I would push for the surnames to be double barrelled. Again, this is a compromise as you are well within your rights to want the child to have your surname and I don't think it should be assumed it automatically gets the dads.

I would use nina as a second middle name, so you each have a middle name with family links. Then agree on a first name together. Good luck!

C8H10N4O2 · 09/12/2018 11:04

It would be wrong for either to claim the right to choose a name unilaterally

Yes it would. And yet the DH has done exactly that, vetoing the OP's wish to double barrel the surnames in favour of his own.

And also choosing his family names for both children.

Branleuse · 09/12/2018 11:07

Can you suggest that he chooses the first name, but you give the child your last name?

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 09/12/2018 11:08

Mila's not nice at all.

I wonder if you could suggest that either you use Nina (which is lovely) as a first name or Nina becomes one of the middle names and you double barrel your children's surnames? I think it does need pointing out to him that - although you've been happy to go along with it - he has been calling all the shots wrt naming your children thus far. (Objecting to double barrelling seems to me to be a particularly attitude, tbh).

But if he really, really hates it, in the final analysis you won't be able to use it. Insist on it being one of the middle names and find a first name you both like.

SassitudeandSparkle · 09/12/2018 11:14

I don't think it's fair to use a name he doesn't like.

You have attached a lot of meaning to the name Nina. I'll be honest and admit that I am not a fan of naming children after people they haven't met or will ever know - but this isn't even that, it's the name of a singer!

I think there is a bit more going on than the name here, OP. You were happy to go along with your older child, so I think there is a bit more than just the Nina issue here at the moment. I hope you all come to agreement soon (I'd use it as a middle name too tbh!).

sashh · 09/12/2018 11:17

I don't think it'd fair for the child to have his surname but not a name you love.

You have a couple of options from LTB to registering the birth in your chosen name. You could also give her 'Nina' as a nickname even if her name ends up being Elizabeth or Jocasta.

I think you need to have a discussion as to why you love the name and how much it means to you.

What about Antonia? Nina's quite a popular shortening.

Mila - sorry but that reminds me of a horlicks type drink.

I also agree you could give your daughter your surname.

MamaDane · 09/12/2018 11:17

It is his daughter too, so it doesn't really matter how much you love that name, if he doesn't like it then you can't use it. Just like you shouldn't have to name your child something you didn't like.
I wanted to name my (future) daughter after my grandma, but my DP didn't like the name much so it'll be a middle name instead. We found a name that we both love as the first name. There's also a boy name I love, but my DP doesn't like it so we'll have to pick something else. DP has also suggested names I disliked that aren't going to happen.

I'd say use it as a middle name.

About surnames you have to agree as well, so he cannot just have his own surname if you want yours as well. I don't care how much more common it is to use the man's surname. Double barrel is a good solution. In that regard he needs to stop being selfish.

I'm using my DP's surname, only because well we are both women and I want everyone to have the same name (us and our kids) as I grew up with parents and siblings who all basically had different surnames lol and I personally dislike double barrel names. But this is the sort of thing you need to agree on.

Lichtie · 09/12/2018 11:19

OP... If you had hated the family name he suggested for your first child would you have still used it... Doubt it. Same applies. Nothing to do with patriarchy nonsense, it's about both parents liking a name.

Branleuse · 09/12/2018 11:24

its totally different him vetoing the ONE name that OP has always said she would use for a daughter when he has already chosen the other kids entire name, and the new child will have HIS surname AND his chosen middle name.

If anything its a really unfair and controlling attitude. Im so surprised at the amount of people that would just accept this.

everydaymum · 09/12/2018 11:24

DH isn't asking to choose the first name, he simply doesn't like the name suggested by OP. Naming a child is a joint decision and as father he gets a say. He hasn't demanded that he gets to choose, OP is able to suggest others. I don't think it's unreasonable that either parent gets to veto a name they dislike.

PoutySprout · 09/12/2018 11:32

I'm using my DP's surname, only because well we are both women and I want everyone to have the same name (us and our kids)

Why not your name?

Branleuse · 09/12/2018 11:33

its not that simple. Loads of women just dont choose their kids surnames or first names. Loads of women give their kids their partners family names whether they like it or not. My eldest has got my exes grandads name, AND his surname. He wouldnt even agree to me double barrelling with my name AFTER he left me. Ive given my kids all my partners names, caused me no end of grief with travelling, and the older ive got, the more shit like this enrages me.
He doesnt have to love the name. He can agree to it because of the personal signficance to his wife, after all, shes doing the carrying, the birth, and hes chosen every other fucking name

ernjas · 09/12/2018 11:39

Use it as a middle name to compromise. It's insensitive for him to deny you that although I do understand him saying no to a first name he doesn't like.

Creatureofthenight · 09/12/2018 11:41

I think using it as a middle name is the best solution, even if you end up having 2 middle names.
It is daft to suggest that a parent should use a 1st name they simply do not like, even if it is significant to the other partner. If my husband had wanted to call DD, let’s say “Ethel”, after his beloved grandma, it wouldn’t have happened as I don’t like the name Ethel, but I might well have agreed to use it as a middle name.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/12/2018 11:45

DH can’t think of an actual name he likes but he suggested Mila which he sees as “similar to Nina but more modern.” I don’t like names chosen for no reason, what people think sounds nice changes with fashion, meaning doesn’t change.

6. Our first child has the first name of DH’s grandfather. Luckily I liked that name a lot so didn’t suggest alternatives, but DH got to honour his family with that name.

You've vetoed Mila because you don't like it.

You liked the name he wanted to use.

Is there a different name that would honour your dad that he does like? You can't make him use a name he hates. It's a middle name at best at the moment; because it's his child too.

The only way you have the right to strongly encourage him to agree with Nina is if you talked about this before you promised your dad that you'd use it, and he agreed then and has changed his mind.

Otherwise this is a sad case but it's the same as it always is; you cannot force someone to use a name that they dislike and it has to be a compromise.

I'm sorry about your dad

MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 09/12/2018 11:46

If ds has his surname then dd can have your surname. Lovely tradition to start and any more children down the line can follow the same pattern. You can both choose a first name together and agree to two middle names, Nina being one.

Loopytiles · 09/12/2018 11:50

Very sorry about your Dad.

But despite your emotional reasons for wanting the name, your DH is not being at all unreasonable to dislike and not want one it, it’s one specific first name.

It’s not a given that you or your DC will have DH’s preferred middle name and surname. And it shouldn’t be “tit for tat”x

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