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Baby names

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Original poster

DP won't let me pick our daughter's name!

137 replies

JassyS · 28/10/2016 17:48

Our daughter is due soon. DP wants her to have his surname, so I said that's fine, as long as I get to pick the first name. He says no, so I said, we double-barrel her surname, then we both get to pick a first name that we both like (but not love - there isn't a name we both love). Or she has my surname and he can pick.

He still thinks I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

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DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 22:50

I don't think that carrying and giving birth to the baby entitles a woman to make all decisions about the child unilaterally, including the name.

The law thinks differently.

Legally he doesn't become the child's father until he is registered as such. By the child's mother.

Her (insignificant to you, massively significant to people interested in reality) growing of a new person makes that new person legally connected to her unless she takes extraordinary steps to sever the relationship.

Fathers become equal parents through active parenting. They don't start as equal. That's biology. And the law.

user1471494124 · 28/10/2016 22:58

It's not up to him if you double barrel the surname! Why should you be left out if it?

I didn't take DH's name when we married. We both kept our own, I remain a Ms and the children are double barrelled.

TheWoodlander · 28/10/2016 23:02

I can't think of a single reason a reasonable, decent man would object to a double barrelled surname. You have a name, he has a name - he thinks the baby just gets his name. Why? Because he's the man?

LouisvilleLlama · 28/10/2016 23:03

I've gotta say if it were me that had no choice in name and somebody registered my child to spite me not agreeing with them, without me and some even suggesting not to name the man, I would have to leave the relationship that's seriously fucked up and probably wouldn't be a one off and indicative of how the person saw me in respect to raising the child.

You can do many things legally, doesn't make it morally right

neonrainbow · 28/10/2016 23:08

What would it do to her relationship with the father of her baby i wonder, to go ahead and register the baby without his agreement?

Even if they split up she needs to have a decent co parenting relationship with him.

kittybiscuits · 28/10/2016 23:12

And that's likely to go really well when he wants to pick both names.

MrsJoyless · 28/10/2016 23:20

If she registers the birth alone, she cannot name the father, it is not an "either or" situation.

LouisvilleLlama · 28/10/2016 23:31

But he doesn't want to be in control of both names does he, perhaps it's just he wants a name he actually likes, let's say he says OP can have the last name and he can choose the first name I don't think OP would be accepting of a name she didn't like, it's a big decision and not agreeing on what to name their child isn't bullying as others have mentioned.

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 23:32

She wouldn't be registering the child "to spite him".

She would just be registering her child in the normal way according to the law.

It is up to him whether he wants to stop being a pigheaded bully and agree that his child should be named by both parents.

The point is just that despite his bullying nature, he doesn't old all the cards here.

If you think it is immoral not to give in to a bully who is trying to force you into agreeing to something against your interests and those of your child, you must be very invested in men being mire important than women.

The OP is only asking for equality in naming their baby.

It is her partner that is trying to enforce a situation in which he gets to dictate.

Say for him, and happily for the woman and baby, he has no power to enforce his will here.

And yet there are still people claiming it's really mean not to roll over and give him whatever he wants.

Penis worship is strong in some of you.

SparkleFlutterShy · 28/10/2016 23:34

Sounds like he might be controlling and abusive. My ex did the EXACT same thing. In the end my DD ended up with 3 names that (1st,middle & surname) that only my ex liked. So she's stuck with his surname, near impossible to change it to mine without his consent.

Please name her what ever you like.

rivvi · 28/10/2016 23:37

Louise, why can't he agree to double barrel then? Then they can both choose the first name together

JudgeJudySheidlin · 28/10/2016 23:42

Why does your DP not want to double barrel the child's surname? It seems a logical thing to do, but so does compromising on her first name. Maybe when you meet her she won't suit your mum's name?

Don't let this situation cause you so much angst. There will be many more bigger issues for you & DP to deal with as your child grows up.

LouisvilleLlama · 28/10/2016 23:46

Just tell him you'll register her without him present and pick both names yourself if he doesn't stop being such a dick.

BertrandRussell · 28/10/2016 23:47

"There's a lot of contempt for men/fathers on this post. "

No there isn't. There is a lot of contempt for arseholes. Sometimes that's the same thing, admittedly. But not usually.

LouisvilleLlama · 28/10/2016 23:49

Rivvi, maybe he thinks that double barrelling sounds stupid, it doesn't work with all surnames, I don't think mine would especially. For example Juliet Smith - Torkenten wouldn't be great IMO.

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 23:52

He is being a pigheaded (and stupid) bully, not because he wants a say but because he is demanding the last word.

As awful as it seems to penus worshippers, this is a situation where the man's view is less important han the womans.

She is offering him the chance to have a 50-50 say. But that is not enough for him.

Pointing out the reality that this choice is 100% hers is not spiteful.

Unless you are of the "reality has a feminist bias" perspective.

Which would make you quite dim.

Blu · 28/10/2016 23:55

Louis - of course they should both agree over the whole name - but he doesn't! He wants it to be HIS surname, and HE pick the first name / have a veto over the firs name.

The hyphenated name you suggest would be fine.

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 23:55

Funny how many men think giving a child two names sounds "stupid " and giving the chikd its mother's name sounds "stupid" and somehow by some amazing coincidence, onky the important penis bearer's name sounds sufficiently non-stupid.

LouisvilleLlama · 29/10/2016 00:00

I disagree Doinitfine and without knowing all of their conversations there's not enough information to make a judgement if he's pigheaded, a bully, wanting the first or final say etc
Again not a penis worshipper

It shouldn't be a chance at 50:50 say they should be equals

Except it is spiteful if your doing because you think he's " being a dick"

Never mentioned anything to do with feminism or amy bias but you seem intent to bring it up and being somewhat hostile with name calling with all this penis worshipping crap

raisedbyguineapigs · 29/10/2016 00:02

I agree the OP shouldn't give in on the double barrelling. I can imagine it would lead to resentment later on. These things can fester when the stresses and strains of a baby are added I to the mix, especially as is often the case, the mother is doing most of the grunt work in the beginning. Maybe pointing out that all the naming rights are with the mother legally if they are not married would be a start. He can only name the child with her permission. That is what the law says. It doesn't work the other way round.

HedgehogHedgehog · 29/10/2016 00:04

The law thinks differently.

Legally he doesn't become the child's father until he is registered as such. By the child's mother.

'Her (insignificant to you, massively significant to people interested in reality) growing of a new person makes that new person legally connected to her unless she takes extraordinary steps to sever the relationship.

Fathers become equal parents through active parenting. They don't start as equal. That's biology. And the law.'

so agree with this. The law is in place to prevent the type of control over women and their bodies and their babies that had been going on for hundreds of years. He cannot dictate to you and i think you need to make this clear to him that actually when it comes down to it, its your decision so he needs to make a compromise with you or else he wont be getting any say at all.

LouisvilleLlama · 29/10/2016 00:05

I also find it funny how I have the name of a somewhat well known city in Kentucky, but because it partly has an association with a male name I've seen responses being more cold and assumptions than I have with other nn as far as I know the OPs DP hasn't said he thinks it's stupid it's just my opinion some don't work well together.

Blu · 29/10/2016 00:10

Have you been at the Bourbon, Louis?

What do you think the OP should do? Given that her DP wants the baby to have only his surname and doesn't want to give her choice over the baby's first name?

DoinItFine · 29/10/2016 00:12

LOL nobody thinks you are a man.

I just think the ooints you are making are daft and sexist.

LouisvilleLlama · 29/10/2016 00:17

Blu no bourbon but do we know for sure he wants an all empowering say, or the chance to say he really does not like certain names. It could be that OPs mums name has bad associations generally with people of said name for example I've had some real horrible experiences with boys/men called James and girls/women named Cassie I really wouldn't want to name my child that would struggle getting over the associations I have with them names

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