DP won't let me pick our daughter's name!

[JassyS]

Our daughter is due soon. DP wants her to have his surname, so I said that's fine, as long as I get to pick the first name. He says no, so I said, we double-barrel her surname, then we both get to pick a first name that we both like (but not love - there isn't a name we both love). Or she has my surname and he can pick.

He still thinks I'm being unreasonable!

[stitchglitched]

'Maybe he thinks that double barrelling sounds stupid'

Fair enough, then baby can just have mother's surname then. Problem solved.

[FluffyFluffster]

Being legal doesn't necessarily make it moral. To say he's not the father of a child until it's registered because of law is wholly incorrect. He is the father which is a biological fact.

So essentially, what I'm reading is that he has no rights (morally or legally) regarding his child until the mother decides to grant them to him by registering him?

Suggesting she'll just do what she wants and not register him if he doesn't acquiesce is a threat and in my eyes - this is bullying. I think a lot of the advice here is awful and will lead to a relationship breakdown.

[instantly]

Quite right Fluffy.

He has equal rights over the child as the OP. It's perfectly normal for the baby to have his surname, and an agreed upon set of first names.

[NickyEds]

I agree fluffy dp and I have two dc and I would never have used my ability to keep him off the birth certificate as a bargaining chip to get my own way over a name. Find a name you can both agree on, there are thousands of them.

[Blu]

"He has equal rights over the child as the OP. It's perfectly normal for the baby to have his surname, and an agreed upon set of first names."

So you think that because it is the norm for babies to have a father's surname, he gets that as the default , and then equal say in the choice of all other names , and you see that as 'equal '?

The whole point (IMO) is that for things to be equal, there should be no expectation that the man gets a free bonus for starters in laying down the surname.

I agree that once they are at the stage of registering the child alone to establish the name then the relationship is done for. But if the only way to avoid this is just to go along with what HE wants, then how is that a healthy, functioning state of affairs ?

[stonygreysoil]

OP, first of all lets keep the overall goal; this is naming a child that you and your DP made and presumably intend to rear together. As such you want to get off on the right foot by both you and your DP feeling that your views on the name are being respected. Pay no heed to those who want you to subordinate your relationship to gender politics!

Having said that, you should insist on a double-barrelled surname, or if you prefer, your surname as middle name. That's the least you can expect

And then for first name, your DP needs to be told to grow up and that you are going to pick a name you both can agree on. As most of the other threads on here attest to, it might take a while, but 2 adults can ultimately get there.

Good luck.

[neonrainbow]

Oh yeah im a penis worshipper because im not telling the op to follow a course of action that would probably destroy her relationship. Ie register the baby without him, with her own choice of names. Some of you live in cloud cuckoo land. I would say i am a feminist but also a realist. This is someones real life.

[stonygreysoil]

Exactly neonrainbow, there's a lot of glib talk here and people making massive assumptions on the DP's character based on a few lines of description.

[DoinItFine]

As such you want to get off on the right foot by both you and your DP feeling that your views on the name are being respected.

That would be good advice for the person who doesn't resoect his partner's view and is trying to force his own way of thinking on her.

But he is not asking for advice.

The person asking for advice is already respecting his views.

But tgat is nit enough for him. He expects obedience.

What is your advice for her in a situation where her views are not respected?

[stonygreysoil]

Doinitfine, you (and I) know next to nothing about this situation. You are projecting a cart load of assumption onto it

[PotteringAlong]

I cannot believe that people make such a massive decision about having a child together and then have ludicrous arguments about a name.

What happened to talking to each other and making a mutual decision?

[DoinItFine]

We know what we have bern told.

And that is that the OP is offering solutions that respects both views and he is rejecting all of them in favour of having the final say.

[stonygreysoil]

DoinItFine, yes, something like 10 lines of text, context free. From which you got "he expects obedience " and lots of talk of "wanker". Wherever that's all coming from, its not from a reasonable reading of the text.

In point of fact, my advice above is not that different to you in terms of names, but i'm not suggesting she end the relationship as an opening gambit.

[DoinItFine]

I'm not suggesting she end the relationship, although I think it is entirely reasonable to call a man who expects to demand a baby not have its mother's surname a wanker.

It's a basic dickhead position.

What I recommended was pointing out to Mr Babyname Brexiter that despite his huffing and puffing, his negotiating position is the weaker one.

Ultimately this is not his decision to make. He only gets a say because his partner is giving him one.

It eould serve him well to remember that.

[DoinItFine]

The only people talking about the relationship ending are the ones who think that a man should dump a pregnant woman for insisting on her legal right to a say in her baby's surname.

[stonygreysoil]

DoinitFine, and now the bounder is a Brexiter as well !!

I think your perspective on the negotiating position is correct in extremis but i would hope we all hope it never comes to that.

We don't know for instance if this is all 3 months of arguments or 30 minutes....

IRL, one would normally preface a chat with [ many, repeated] appeal to common sense as per my suggestion] prior to telling DP their legal rights...

[FluffyFluffster]

Ultimately this is not his decision to make. He only gets a say because his partner is giving him one.

It's his child too, his sperm fertilised the egg. The mother does not unilaterally get to bully the father into submission because it 'would serve him well to remember' that it's actually her child and she so graciously allows him to be a part of it

If she starts using the baby as a bargaining chip before it's born then what hope is there really? What needs to happen is a conversation where both sides actually listen to each other and possibly some time to reflect on perspective.

I mentioned it earlier, the OP hasn't actually said what he thinks of the name she's chosen so for all we know, he'll like and agree to it.

[DoinItFine]

Yes, a pregnant woman should put up with months of bullying before being so cruel as to inform a man of the reality of his position.

She is the one offering several compromise options that he is rejecting out of hand.

But still she must "sit down" and "be reasonable" in the face of his attempt to name his child with no input from her

When are we going to stop raising women to give in to men's unreasonable demands?

What he is asking for is unreasonable nd unfair and doesn't recognise the child's mother as a 50% parent.

But apparently she would be the devil to do anything but give in gently to his superior claim to the child's name.

[stonygreysoil]

[FluffyFluffster]

I'm not saying she should put up with bullying. I'm saying that the suggestion that she threaten him with going off and refusing to name him as the father so she can do whatever the hell she likes is awful and will destroy her relationship.

Why isn't he allowed to stand firm on something that means a lot to him? Why is it automatically bullying if he stands up for what he wants? I'm not actually commenting on whether he is or not because I don't think there's enough information to tell that he's being anything more than stubborn but this is why they clearly need to have a discussion, especially since the alternative seems to destroy a relationship in an extremely hostile way for lack of communication.

[DoinItFine]

She doesn't need to threaten anything.

Just point out that this is legally her decision.

And if the thing he feels strongly about is that a child should not have its mother's surname in any form, then he is a twat.

She is asking for 50% say in the name of their child.

He wants more. He thinks he should have more say than her.

Pointing out that legally he gets no say is entirely reasonable.

His position is aggressive and unfair.

[stonygreysoil]

nothing says "lets solve this like adults" quite like quoting the legal position at your DP...

“The lawyer's world is entire unto itself, the human pared away.”

[oldbirdy]

Op are you the lady who wants to call your DD Dinah?
I don't really understand some of the responses on this thread.
Your DP isn't really being controversial or a horrific bully; he is being conventional. He expects as tradition that you will agree on a first name and the child will have his surname. However as you aren't married and you haven't taken his surname there is no assumption (in the way he is making) that the child will have his surname.

My opinion is that both of you need to compromise for this child who is 50:50 you and your partner. That means you compromise on your first name choice and he on his surname choice. Quite a few couples i know use 3 first names; the first is a compromise that both like, the second and third a personal choice of each, in the order they flow best . I don't think either of you can 'pull rank' on each other here. A double barrel surname would be included as part of that compromise. In my view starting to pull rank as you are the one pregnant is not very fair; it's not his choice not to carry the baby after all. As a mother of sons I would be horrified if one of my boys was disenfranchised from any choice in the first name his child because he wasn't the one pregnant. I don't think 'being allowed' the surname is quite the same, after all you don't pick a surname out, it isn't a personal choice in the same way.

[FluffyFluffster]

Doin as I said earlier, what is legal isn't necessarily what's moral.

Pointing out that legally she can do what she likes is definitely threatening behaviour.

[sofato5miles]

He can stand as firm as he likes, but he is being unreasonable, and that will damage the relationship.

There was never a hope in hell of my baby getting my DPs surname unless i was married. That was one of his main drivers in choosing to propose.