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Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

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Find baby name inspiration and advice on the Mumsnet Baby Names forum.

Baby names

DP won't let me pick our daughter's name!

137 replies

JassyS · 28/10/2016 17:48

Our daughter is due soon. DP wants her to have his surname, so I said that's fine, as long as I get to pick the first name. He says no, so I said, we double-barrel her surname, then we both get to pick a first name that we both like (but not love - there isn't a name we both love). Or she has my surname and he can pick.

He still thinks I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

Report

stitchglitched · 28/10/2016 19:01

Er she can just name the baby what she wants, that's the law. OP has offered to double barrel and he doesn't want that. Who is he to try to prevent this mother from sharing her name with her baby?

WaxingNinja · 28/10/2016 19:04

If his 'compromise ' does not involve the OP having any choice in the child's name or surname then damn right she should do what she's perfectly, legally entitled to do and register the child without him.

And yes I'm in a wonderful fully functioning relationship thanks, because I learned early in life to recognise a wanker and get rid of them.

MrsJoyless · 28/10/2016 19:04

Of course it would be terribly sad if the OP really had to leave him off the BC and TBH as they have been together for 16 years she is less likely to wind up in that all-too-common scenario of being left alone with a baby with a different surname to her own, that she is unable to change legally. But the OP does hold all the cards here and she can surely point that out very nicely along with the MN staple "tinkly laugh"?

HeavenlyEyes · 28/10/2016 19:07

Op - if he is this much of a prick over a name is he bullying and unreasonable over everything else.

I have been where you are - my advice is name the baby what you want and use your surname, not his. sorry but if he is this awful and stamping his feet it does not bode well. You are unmarried, this is your right as the child's mother. No matter what he insists he cannot make you do what you don't want to do over this. Do you want to be 5 years down the line calling your child's name across a playground and regret the name and different surname to yours? He could well be long gone by then - where does that leave you?

AfroPuffs · 28/10/2016 19:38

She carried the baby for 9months in her own body. 100% if I had my time again I would have NEVER given my child his father's surname. Now I have to justify when I want to take my own child overseas etc.

Op unless you're married I suggest you stick with your surname. Both of you can then select the first name.

BreatheDeep · 28/10/2016 20:55

I meant it should be a joint choice. I wasn't saying you hadn't offered that. He is being unreasonable but I don't think the solution is he gets the surname and you the first. Tell him he is unreasonable as the surname is just as much a joint choice as the first name is. This is 2016, not 1916.

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 20:59

Indeed, in 1916 there would have been no question of a baby not getting its mother's name.

That is a very recent invention.

BreatheDeep · 28/10/2016 21:11

There was no choice in 1916 - married? Fathers name. Not married? Mothers name. We have choice now. That's what I meant.

neonrainbow · 28/10/2016 21:28

So she carries the baby for 9 months... whoopie do. He's the father and should have an equal say on names. He will be the baby's father for the rest of his life.

I'm not saying what he's doing is right. Just that it would take some kind of vindictive bitch to register a child behind the fathers back to avoid him having any choice in the name.

3luckystars · 28/10/2016 21:32

Fuck that doubling surname, pick a name you actually like.
You will be using her first name all the time, you have to like it!!!

Make a list of ten each and if one appears on both lists, then that's it.

ShipsTea · 28/10/2016 21:33

Neon, the whoopie do was pathetic. Do you not think carrying a baby/giving birth to a baby is a big deal?

ShipsTea · 28/10/2016 21:34

Neon, what's she supposed to do if he doesn't ever let her contribute to the name? What does she do then? When she is forced to register the baby?? Honestly??

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 21:48

Nope in 1916 married? Mother's name (same as father's)

Unmarried? Mother's name (not tye same as father's)

How women were tricked into believing it was "traditional" for chikdren to be given a different name from their mother is beyond me.

TheDowagerCuntess · 28/10/2016 21:49

Your daughter's name is the least of your problems.

DoinItFine · 28/10/2016 21:51

Yeah, big fucking deal women - your bodies can grow new people.

Get over yourselves and accept that having a penis and being a bully is way more important than that.

Sticking uo for yourself and your child makes you a vindictive bitch.

He got you pregnant, so now he owns both you and the baby and you must do as he says

Believeitornot · 28/10/2016 21:55

The DP doesn't sound that unreasonable to me.

He wants his surname and you to come up with a first name together? Is that right?

FluffyFluffster · 28/10/2016 21:56

So it's fine for OP to stand up against the 'bully' for what she wants, but it's not ok for him to do the same for what is also his baby?

Have you actually asked him if he likes the name? I can't see if you've said whether he's opposed to it or not, just that you want to choose it. He might actually agree with you and then there's actually no problem.

At the end of the day, if either of you railroad the other it's going to make for a rocky relationship.

BreatheDeep · 28/10/2016 22:00

Doinit Please stop picking at what I say. I have said he is being unreasonable. I am backing her up. I didn't really think I had to clarify that the fathers name was used for baby in 1916 because the mother would also have had to have had that name but apparently I do. There was still no choice which was my point.

kittybiscuits · 28/10/2016 22:04

It's 100% your choice OP, irrespective of the vile nonsense spouted on this thread by goady pillocks. Is your OH behaving in a way that would warrant taking his point of view into account?

ICuntSeeYourPoint · 28/10/2016 22:14

You're the one growing the baby and giving birth to it, if there can't be an agreement then you must have the final say.
If you're not married, make sure the baby has your surname, you risk all sorts of arseache if you have a different surname than your dc, for example when taking them abroad. I would not compromise on that at all - if he was so fussed about the baby's surname, he should have got married before having the baby.

MotherDuckSaid · 28/10/2016 22:25

Hmm hold your ground- it will Piss u off no end in the future otherwise.
I would get him to sit and watch a loooong and graphic birth from youtube (with lots of screaming). Women IMO (carry and birth and feed the babies and i think we) should have more say when it comes to naming as a result !
Good luck :)

Mandatorymongoose · 28/10/2016 22:28

So in numbers:
Op's options:
A) Double barrel surname and compromise first name. Each person gets 50% name input. ( Both get half of each name)
B) DP surname OP choice first name. Each person gets 50% name input. (One each)

DP's option:
A) DP'S surname and compromise first name. DP gets 75% name input OP gets 25% (OP gets half of first name only)

So DP'S plan is that his opinion / choice should be worth three times what the OP's is when it comes to the child who is presumably at least half hers.

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paddypants13 · 28/10/2016 22:34

Op, I would insist on double barrelling the surname (if he continues to be an arse, only give her your surname) and choosing a first name you both like (or if he continues to be an arse, give her a name you love).

You have six weeks after your dd is born to get to know her and hopefully find a name you both like that really suits her.

I'm afraid though in your situation, I'd be considering leaving him full stop. Who does he think he is?

Blu · 28/10/2016 22:41

OP, whatever else happens, give the child both your surnames.

Then hopefully you can work together to come up with first names you are both happy with.

He is being very unreasonable. There is no reasonable argument about the baby having both your surnames.

Maybe establish that first. So that the whole conversation is taken away from bargaining. Baby is the child of both of you, you will all be a family, so baby's surname reflects that.

Then talk about what is important to each of you in the first name.

neonrainbow · 28/10/2016 22:44

I don't think that carrying and giving birth to the baby entitles a woman to make all decisions about the child unilaterally, including the name.

When my twins arrive, me and dh will be choosing their names together. Because he is their father, and will be their equal parent for the rest of his life. How does being sensible make me vile?

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