I have read all your posts and my heart is heavy ? such stupid, cliched words, but it?s true. I feel like there is so much I want to say to you, but words don?t come out easily anymore. You have all described your pain so well, and I hope that although there is nothing anyone can say to a parent who lost their child, writing it all down has helped a little bit.
Allways, are you well supported as well? If I remember correctly you were on a waiting list for counselling, have you started that yet? You are suffering now so much for giving your little Rose peace... But of course this doesn?t take away the awful unfairness of it all, the why and the anger. I always think of what you have been through with a sort of bewilderment; it just seems so much, one thing after another. My heart goes out to you.
Sarah, I am glad that the funeral helped. I found that after burying Silvia?s ashed I had turned a corner. I was still grieving, but knowing that she was resting next to other children and I could go and visit her whenever I wanted to gave me a bit of comfort. I am saying this with much sadness, of course, but it was certainly better than knowing her alone at the hospital.
Lisbeth, shortly after losing Silvia, when writing in here I had this image of our babies being together. I am not a religious person, but this thought brought me comfort. Your little Adam is not alone. All our little ones left something behind, changes in us, changes in how we cope with our other children (that?s what everybody says, I wouldn?t know this yet).
Natz, I had the same questions as you, and the same anger. I can still feel the anger rise every now and then. I think you are coping well. Having a meltdown, crying and shouting is still coping, and it?s healthy. The numbness can?t last forever. What I found very hard was chanelling the love I still have for Silvia. I had this enormous love for her, but she was not here anymore. I found it very comforting to write and to go and light candles at her grave, and to speak about her with my dh, and to read about grief and how people are coping. We also agreed to make donations to children?s charities on every anniversary. But coming to terms with it all is a long process and there are still days when I?m struggling, and the guilt and the what if?s come back and I need a good cry. My life is still defined by my loss, there hasn?t been a single day since February that I haven?t thought about her.
I didn?t want to make this about me, but writing this post has brought back so much for me too. I still need this space, and I need to talk about my baby. I am grateful to be pregnant again, to have this hope in my life now, and I am grateful I got this far without any apparent problem (?yet? says the negative voice inside my head). I already love this baby so much, and thinking I might lose him too is terrifying. But I didn?t forget Silvia, and I still miss her terribly. She was only 2 weeks older than this little one when we lost her.
I hope all of you ladies are coping as best you can. Thinking of you all xxxx