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Original poster

Has anyone NOT regretted having termination?

87 replies

winnybella · 02/03/2010 19:36

I have been looking through some previous threads and each time someone posts asking for advice, there's lots of people saying how they had abortion and feel guilty, unhappy, traumatised, it was a biggest mistake...

I am facing termination now and I know it's the best thing for me and my family at the moment.I'm wondering if I am in some sort of denial, whether after the fact I will feel horrible- almost all of the posts I have read so far would imply that.

I would like to hear from people who went through it and aren't suffering because of taking that decision- because it was the only sensible decision at that time to make.

Thank you.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 19:40

yes, i have one and i don't regret it.
i was quite young, and suffering from various mental health problems.
I knew that I would fall apart with a baby, and i knew it wasn't fair onm a baby to be brought into those circumstances.

it was absolutely the right decision for me at the time. it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life though.

i don't really think about it much now

nickytwotimes · 02/03/2010 19:42

I had one when I was 21.

I am 36 now and have never ever regretted it.

I'd have totally mucked up my life.

SInce actually having a kid (now expecting number 2) I feel even more strongly about the issue - it can be a good choice.

countydurhamlass · 02/03/2010 19:43

hi, i had a termination nearly nine months ago and although sometimes i think what if (very occasionally though) i know i did the right thing. at the time i didnt really have any "emotions" and wondered if i was weird or cruel for not feeling sad but now i know i was like that because it was the right thing to do. i don't regret it at all, i had my reasons and wouldnt change what i did.

heather1980 · 02/03/2010 19:46

i had one and don't regret it at all.
i was in a really bad relationship at the time and i was young (23) with no real way to support my self or a baby.
fast forward 7 years and am happily married to a fab guy and have 2 great kids and another on the way.
i was sad for a while after and it took a while for the feelings of guilt to go away, but i never look back and think about the what ifs.. what's done is done and live truely does go on.

nickytwotimes · 02/03/2010 19:48

DOn't get me wrong, I was sad at the time, but knew it was right. It did feel like a big deal and was not something I undertook lightly. But it was right and I am still glad I did it.

hester · 02/03/2010 19:50

I had one at 16 - nearly 30 years ago. I felt sad, and have often thought of it - particularly during my later fertility problems - but I never regretted it.

Some women do suffer terribly after abortion, but loads don't. The research evidence shows that, on balance, abortion tends to improve women's psychological wellbeing rather than damage it (I used to work in this field and have read a lot of the research).

It's not a pleasant thing to go through and some sadness is likely. But it is NOT inevitable that you will suffer terrible guilt and regret. If you do, please seek support.

I wish you the very best of luck.

SpringHeeledJack · 02/03/2010 19:53

the reason you don't hear about good terminations (I know that's a bit of a contradiction in terms, but you know what I mean )is because most people just think "phew, thank fuck that's over" and just get on with it. If it's the best thing for you in the circumstances, and you know that, then you'll be fine, I bet

notanun · 02/03/2010 19:54

I had a termination in January. My thread about it is here. Takes you from me finding out I'm pg to after the termination.

I didn't and don't regret it. I think if you know it's the right thing to do without doubt then actually the overwhelming feeling is relief. And there was no doubt for me. I was never expecting a baby, it was never something that was going to last 9 months, it was always going to be that way from the second the test turned positive.

I think what made the difference to me was that I did my coming to terms with it before the termination so I knew I always had the option not to do it. If you have the termination immediately that you find out then I suppose when you do you grieving/wailing then you do it from an unalterable position and that could induce certain feelings that aren't to do with the decision you made but the speed with which you made it.

If you want to talk openly off the site then CAT me. I am a very regular MNer and would listen if you needed it. And answer any questions honestly if I could.

Original poster
winnybella · 02/03/2010 20:00

Thank you all so much.

I am sure I don't want a baby now- my younger dc is 1 yo, I have to get back to work, am studying for a degree, our financial situation is precarious at the moment...but theoretically all those things could be insignificant if I really wanted a another child. But I don't. I haven't slept one whole night in the last year and a bit, I just started to feel like myself again, relationship with DP feels again as something more than just sharing childcare, I do not want to go through the pregnancy and that first trying year. I really want to get a job and make progress in my studies.

I was wondering if my reasons were enough, if they are not too selfish. I do know that should I continue with the pg I will be miserable for a long time to come and that will not be good for other dcs and dp.

My head tells me it's a right thing to do. I just wonder if my heart hasn't caught up yet and I will pay dearly later.

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 02/03/2010 20:04

you can get counselling, that might help?

i had my termination done by the BPAS and I would recommend them to anyone, they were really very lovely

nickytwotimes · 02/03/2010 20:06

It is a hard decision winny and one only you can really make.

Don't worry about selfishness! Choosing to have kids is selfish depending on how you look at it. I had mine (well, have one, am having another) because I WANT a family, not for any altruistic reasons.

Good luck with you choice. It is hard. Sorry you have to go through it.

Original poster
winnybella · 02/03/2010 20:29

Counselling...maybe a good idea.
I basically have made my decision, but I am a bit surprised how calm I am about it. I wouldn't even think about it with my other two. Yet, here, I cannot think with any degree of happiness of my life should I go ahead with this pregnancy.
So I guess I am looking for a confirmation of sorts that if you feel you made a right decision it won't affect your whole life.
Any more experiences very welcome.

OP posts:
Eglu · 02/03/2010 20:51

Winnybella, I was in a similar situation last year. DS2 was only just one and I couldn't face the thought of being pregnant with my boy so wee. Although I know others have babies that close together it wasn't for me.

We were also not in a good financial situation and I just didn't think that my head could cope with a pregnancy and baby at that stage.

I don't regret it. Even as I got to what I knew would be my due date, I still felt relief that I was not having a baby.

Good luck with you decision.

NumptyMum · 02/03/2010 21:00

Winny - it also depends on the reason for having the termination. There are a lot of people on these threads who really did want to have their baby, but then find out that their baby has difficult or life-threatening problems; they face two unwanted choices: to end the pregnancy or continue into the unknown, which may include a difficult, short life for their child. In that case, although they may choose to end the pregnancy as a better option it is only because the other option is deemed worse; therefore they feel sad about it and grieve for their child (though given the same choice they would make it again, if that makes sense).

I do have one friend who ended a pregnancy for social reasons (young, not 'with' the guy - he was an ex and it had been a brief reunion). Since then she's not had a situation where she could have children, so her regret is now being in her mid-40s, looking back after knowing all that.

Your situation is different and you already have a family whose needs you have to balance with your own and those of this potential child. So long as you know you've considered all the options, got support for your decision, and believe it to be the best choice it probably IS the best choice. Yes, your heart may at some point be sad about this, feelings are rarely straightforward. But just keep hold of your reasons and know that it might be the more loving thing to do.

tiredlady · 02/03/2010 21:03

Lots and lots of women terminate and don't feel traumatised about it afterwards. Most women I think may feel distressed and possibly sad, but by no means is it always a psychologically devastating or damaging experience.
However I think it can be hard for women to say that they feel absolutely fine about their choice and don't feel any guilt etc, because there is this expectation that termination is this dreadful trauma, and that if you are able just to put it behind you and move on, you must be a very uncaring/unfeeling bad person.

I had a termination when I was a student and not in a very stable relationship. I regret being so fucking stupid that I didn't use adequate contraception, but I absolutley do not regret ending the pregnancy

OrientCalf · 02/03/2010 21:10

I remember Caitlin Moran writing an article about this - it's very interesting

I agree tiredlady that it is difficult for a woman to say she does not regret a termination. I have a friend who had a termination who said that she regretted the circumstances that led to her being pregnant (because being pregnant was not what she wanted), but not the termination iyswim

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2010 21:12

I have had one & I don't regret it.

Happened in Jan 2009. My youngest was 6 months & we had a contraceptive failure.

I also have dd1 who was 5.

I was devastated. I didn't want another child & I couldn't put my body thro another pregnancy & c-section.

Not a day goes by where I am happy with my decision. I think about how my life would be with 2 under 2 & am glad I made the choice I did.

I felt guilty afterwards, but only because the only feelings I had were ones of huge relief.

I hope you will be OK.

ByTheSea · 02/03/2010 21:13

I was very young and feel to this day that I made the right decision for me at that time.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2010 21:15

It was actually one of the hardest things I have done. But only because I never thought I would ever have to do it.

Actually no, that's not true. Living through those 6 weeks between finding out & having it done was harder. I had to wait so long because it was Christmas & they weren't open & I couldn't get a date before that fitted in with childcare.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2010 21:22

'I was wondering if my reasons were enough, if they are not too selfish'

I asked my counsellor this, basically I didn't want 3 children. Didn't want to do it all again, start with all the feeding again etc.

She said of course it isn't selfish. It doesn't matter what the reasons are, if you don't want it, you don't want it. You don't have to justify why.

differentnameforthis · 02/03/2010 21:25

I would never have to do it.

thishappenedtome · 02/03/2010 21:26

Hi there winny.

I have had an abortion and even though I am now trying to have my first baby, have had a miscarriage in the last 10 months and am about to start IVF I can genuinely say I don't regret it. I never felt guilty about my decision and haven't ever started feeling guilty throughout this whole heartbreaking TTC process.

I did what was right for me at the time.

I do feel slightly irked that I don't have the courage to say this using my usual user name though.

Original poster
winnybella · 02/03/2010 21:29

You guys are lovely- it's great to see that it is possible to have a termination and not have one's life destroyed.

Every single one of you said something that made me think about it from a new angle or made me feel better.

Thank you so so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
winnybella · 02/03/2010 21:40

thishappenedtome- yes, I also thought about changing my nickname, but then thought, fuck it, I have a right to have a termination, we all do and while it can be a very difficult decision to make, it's nothing shameful. But, I understand, it is considered vile by so many people.

Also, I am not well known on here

Well, I will ponder some more.
Even though I know I do not want this pregnancy to continue, there's this atavistic feeling of wanting to protect it iyswim. It's not even my heart, really, and it is not a strong feeling, but I do get moments when I feel sad. But, that's only natural, I guess.

eglu and differentnameforthis- thanks, it helps to hear others who were in a very similar situation.

OP posts:
tiredlady · 02/03/2010 22:06

good luck with things winny.

To me it sounds as if you have thought this through carefully and are making a tough decision, but the right decision for your family.