Has anyone NOT regretted having termination?

[winnybella]

I have been looking through some previous threads and each time someone posts asking for advice, there's lots of people saying how they had abortion and feel guilty, unhappy, traumatised, it was a biggest mistake...

I am facing termination now and I know it's the best thing for me and my family at the moment.I'm wondering if I am in some sort of denial, whether after the fact I will feel horrible- almost all of the posts I have read so far would imply that.

I would like to hear from people who went through it and aren't suffering because of taking that decision- because it was the only sensible decision at that time to make.

Thank you.

Not bothering to namechange either.

Had a termination at 7 weeks around 8 years ago.
Horrid experience, obviously, but no, I have never regretted it.
I do think about it infrequently, but not with guilt or regret, just a little sadness I suppose.

I wish you well.

I had a termination just over 5 years ago.
I fell pregnant when my Dd was only 9 weeks old, I had been very ill at the end of my pregnancy.
So on finding out I was pregnant again my first thought was "I don't want this"

I did think about it carefully and decided to terminate, when I woke from the op all I felt was relief. Over the passing years I do sometimes wonder "what if" but it passes, certainly hasn't ruined my life.

Good luck with whatever you decide. x

winny , you have my full sympathy . I went through the trauma of unexpected unwanted pregnancy only last August/September. Shock ,denial ,fear for many days, weeks even.

I already had three children, am nearly 39 , had complicated pregnancies, miscarriages in the past.

I definitely considered an abortion but like you was scared of a possible lifelong regret and even mental problems in future.

I spent hours trawling the internet looking for posts by women who had a termination.

Everyone who posted here expressed no regrets but I am sure you know if you look you would find countless stories of women who now have to live their lives with deep psychological scars and a very real heartache.

You just don't know which way your emotions would take you. There is just no way of knowing in advance.With termination, you take this risk.

Back to my story. I decided to carry on with pregnancy as daunting as it was and for me it was the best decision of my life. A lot of burden was lifted off my mind just with the acceptance of my state and simply getting on with the motions ie booking with the midwife, blood tests.

I know it sounds very cliche but it's how it was - that the real change came with my 13 week dating scan. I started to see the baby as a real baby at last, I was in denial before. It was a state I was in, a 'pregnancy', not a new life developing.

Very soon I was , yes it's true, over the moon to be expecting, loving being pregnant, loving my baby to bits and actually seeing the whole scenario as a blessing for our family. SOMETHING TOTALLY UNTHINKABLE, I must stress, just weeks earlier. I often wondered how weird life is to take you from utter utter dispair to a bliss in such a short time.

Sadly I lost my baby girl two days before Christmas, she was stillborn at 23 weeks due to a combination of my problems, weak cervix and strep b bacteria.

Now I am on a slow and painful road to recovery from my grief, one thing that keeps me going is a hope of getting pregnant again..... My life of the past few months has been as mad as it gets, a rollercoaster ride.

I did not choose abortion and will foever be so grateful that I didn't. Actually it makes me physically sick the very thought that I considered to end her life when she was so tiny ( but it was her!)just beginning to develop into the beautiful baby she was. I love her so so much and do not regret having her even for such a short time, do not regret getting pregnant. Crazy or what ?

I cannot stress enough how for weeks back in autumn I could not possibly imagine for a moment to be able to enjoy this pregnancy , to cope with a baby. I MOST DEFINITELY, without shadow of a doubt did not want to be pregnant. The only thing holding me back was the scary prospect of guilt and regret.

The likelihood of bad remorse is very real, IT IS an experience of great number of women. But what is the likelihood of bringing up a child you decided to have, a loved child with his/her distinctive look ,personality, in love with his/her mummy and REGRETTING THAT.

I know that there are children born and then unloved but you definitely do not sound like a kind of person to worry about this scenario.

Anyway, I am really sorry you are going through such a hard hard time now.
I've posted my story as you said you wanted to read about all kinds of experiences. Mine are still very fresh, I still can't believe what I went through, that this is what happened to me. I very much regret my baby died but I so appreciate I have the peace of having no part in her death.

All the best.

Went for an ultrasound today and am 5 weeks (or a bit less) pregnant. I was a bit scared before I went that I would start feeling different, but as it was a classic scan ( not super-modern one where maybe you could see more)and all I could see was a sac 8mm and I guess a stalk. No embryo visible yet.

I have to go to my hospital to arrange for the termination, but dp is away and I have both dcs and I don't really want ds to find out- he's 8 and v. bright, so it would be hard to hide it from him at the appointment. So, maybe I'll have to wait til Monday, but as the waiting time is usually 3 weeks it'll be too late for the medical.

I think surgical would be easier on me, but at the same time I would prefer to do it as fast as possible- with every day embryo will grow and resemble the baby.

mintcandy- how heartbreaking for you. I am so so sorry. And I understand what you mean, because my 2 dcs were 'accidents' and the circumstances weren't perfect, but I really wanted to have them. I know that if I continue with this pregnancy, I 'll love the baby. But I am not sure mother's instinctive love necessarily equals a good parent. I don't think I have it in me now to focus on another child. I really don't. I will resent it for all the attention it will need. After pg with DD, 13 months(and counting) of breastfeeding, her waking up every single night, being with her every day, playing etc and trying to give some attention to poor DS who really took it hard, now I want some time for me. Well, just a bit more time for me. I want to get back to work, to get on with my studies( which will get harder next year), I want to be able to go out once or twice a month for a drink, we both with dp would love to be able to go out for dinner together from time to time. I do not want to go again through 9 months of pregnancy( was miserable this last time around, nausea, sciatica, no complications, but still hard) and the first year where you are devoting yourself to a baby non stop, round the clock.
But, yes, I would love that baby,of course, and it makes it very hard.

I never had a termination before, so of course I worry about effects on my psyche, about guilt and grief, even about moral aspect of ending potential life ( although am not religious).

Nausea has kicked in.

I appreciate so much all of your comments. It feels like you're holding my hand in a way, as I get through the whole proccess.

totally. i had a termination due to abnormality, was pregnant again almost instantly, and have never regretted it.

i was unhappy about the pregnancy being duff, but it was completely clear to me it was the right thing for me to do.

there are much more famous ladies that have stood up and said they have had abortions than I as well. (caitlin moran being one of them)

I had one. A long time ago. I don't regret it at all. It was the right thing to do. we talked about it at length. it was not an easy decision. but i was not uncaring.
yet, I never felt guilt, relief and def not 'thank fuck thats over'. We just talked about, were both sure.
and very rarely refer to it, but, still, one child and one miscarriage,and then a second and final child later, we both still think it was the right thing to do.

I had a termination at 21.

Have no regrets at all, never did at the time and haven't since. I certainly wouldn't have coped with a child and looking back with the knowledge I have now of the impact a child makes on your life, I doubt me & dp would still be together if we had gone ahead with the pregnancy.

and statistically, PNd is just as common as post-termination blues (not suprising really: same hormones.) so in actual fact there are possible psychological consequences for you either way.

I think mintcandy's grieving right now for her daughter, so I see why she feels that way.

I feel really nauseous right now.

Anyone had a medical termination? Only heard horror stories. Was the pain as bad as labour?

winne please cat me if you want have been through an almost identical situation but would prefer to talk off board x

Have CATed you, Knakard.Thanks.

Winny

I have wanted to start a thread for the past few weeks. I am booked in for a termination on friday.I am going to BPAS in Birmingham. I am nervous, scared but in my mind I just want it over and done with. I wish me and DH had never got pregnant. We were unsure. As soon as that line came up its like the real me disappeared. I can not explain what I have been feeling. I feel so depressed.

DD2 is 16 months I suffered horrendously with SPD and already the pregnancy hormones have made things uncomfortable. I do feel guilty. DH is supportive.

I am sorry for burdenng your thread but I needed to get it out and was not brave enough to start my own. I have read notanun's.

Oh, felitsright, I'm so sorry you're having tough time.
Mine is on Tuesday- the first set of pills and then the second on Thursday.
What has helped me to realise I'm making the right decision was that I imagined different scenarios and asked myself whether if the circumstances were perfect ( ie tons of money, didn't have to go back to work, didn't have my studies etc) would I feel different. And I came to the conclusion that no, I still do not want to mother another child right now. Frankly, it would probably claim my sanity.
I think that is the most important question you can ask yourself- but obviously still keeping the fact that you have a toddler, SPD etc, as that will affect you very much.
I know that deep down I don't want to go ahead with this pregnancy. Still, I had a few teary moments this last week- it can be a very difficult time to go through.
If you feel like talking about it on here, please do as there is lots of lovely people willing to help and maybe it would make it a bit easier for us being able to discuss the issue with someone in very similar situation.

Hi Winny

Thanks for replying. I am a regular who has name changed.

I have tried to visualise having DC3 and it all being ok but I can't. I feel dreadful. I am sure mine will me medical removal as I very stupidly kept my feelings bottled up for nearly 3 weeks. It was speaking with who would be my midwife that gave me the confidence to terminate. I was sobbing, she had tears and DH bless him was choked. We are not telling anyone about the termintion other than DH's mum as she is having DD'S whilst we go. It all feels to planned but its the way it is. I am going to bed as I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

Look after yourself. X

It seems like you made the right decision for you and your family. I think the time leading up to the procedure is often the most trying.

Hope you will feel better soon and I'll be here if you feel like you want to talk.

Winny, I am so glad you are booked in quite soon so you can put this behind you.

I had a termination 5 years ago for lots of personal / selfish reasons. I knew it was the right decision and have not had a single day of regret since because I know I thought it through and did what was right for me. Perhaps some people may find this shocking, but I have almost forgotten it ever happened, and only sometimes when I see threads like this do I get a jolt and think oh yeah, I did that, didn't I?

Having said that, the three weeks I had to wait for it to be done were appalling and I was very tearful going into the hospital. Not second thoughts at all, just upset that I was having to go through this.

Sounds like you have given this lots of thought and made the best decision for you. In which case I hope like me that it will never resurface because you have done the right thing.

One thing though - I don't know if you have told many people in RL, but I would advise against it. Only me and dh knew / know as I had no interest in hearing other people's opinions or having to justify myself to them. This is a subject which many people feel very strongly about, and the last thing you need is pressure from well-meaning people at an already stressful time.

Good luck.

Thanks MeltedFlumps.
It makes me feel so much better hearing stories like yours.

I think so-called selfish reasons often are very important.

It does feel surreal that I'm about to go through that procedure within days, though.
And I'm not that happy with the medical termintion, because I won't be able to breastfeed for a few days and dd will be miserable and I will feel guilty...but then it's the faster option. Not looking forward to all the bleeding and cramping and being present and awake when the actual termination will take place.

Might start a new thread maybe,asking about people's experience with medical termination.
It seems like it's likely to be horrific and v.v. painful, but I wonder how does it compare with being in labour? Is it like the beginning or like transition( shudder)?

Keep thinking about you winny. Your story touched me. I am so sorry.

Thank you mintcandy, but please do not worry too much on my account- you are going through such hard time yourself right now.

I reread your earlier post and just wanted to say that I agree that I would not regret a child in a few years down the line- I would not regret the child, because I would love it, but I would most probably regret all the things in my life that it would take away- like time with the two I have (I already feel my eldest doesn't get enough attention), my studies- which will (hopefully) translate into better job opportunities, my time with dp- we haven't felt like a couple for a while, I mean we are happy and get along very well, but have not had time on our own for ages and I think it's important.

So, yes, it's a shitty situation to be in. Horrible choice. I am cutting short the potential life. I know. But if I don't terminate, I feel like I will take away a chance for happiness with my family, fulfillment that I get from studies and shortly from a job. Did I mention already that I haven't slept for 13 months? And have spent every single day with DD? I love her sooooo much, but I just don't feel ready to go through all that again. And I mean like really not ready- the thought of pregnancy and this first couple of years make me break out in cold sweat.

I shouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place, we should have been more careful.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I agree with your reasoning, but I just don't see my sanity surviving another pg now.
I hope you're feeling a bit better, I wish I knew what to say that would be appriopriate. You must be missing your little daughter so much

Thank you for your kind words winnybella.

I'm not great right now, my baby should have been born this month ( due April but expected cs in March). I'm ok though as it's practically impossible to be miserable around my three lovely boys, they keep me sane. I've got two teenagers that give me no trouble but are full of life and have brilliant sense of humour and a loving cuddly little boy who just turned four and is still with me every day.

By the way, they were all very much planned babies, so my little girl was my first ever experience of unplanned pregnancy. Well, I had some scares before but proved false alarms.

I also had one premature boy that died and two girls that miscarried late, but am not bitter, plenty of children to meet one happy day in the future.

But with this history you can understand why I was so scared to be pregnant again and my fears came true but I still don't regret it. And no, I'm not mad to be thinking of another pregnancy now as my babies died because of doctors blunders that should not happen again, my ob in fact apologized and has clear plans for the next time so it shouldn't happen again.

I have a wonderful supportive husband, great father to our children, but must say he is the cause of much of my pain right now as he doesn't want for us to try and have one more , I do understand why he feels this way, but for me a new baby very soon is the only way to heal. I just pray he does have a change of heart. For me, even though I really used to think we were done with our three boys just a few months ago, there is now a gaping hole in our family, the baby we shold be all enjoying right now.

But enough about me ! It is your thread and I already feel I crashed it. I can see that my initial post was very much out of place as you specifically and clearly asked for experiances of women who terminated and not regretted and I fall into none of these categories, never had an abortion but do regret ever having any thoughts about one, I understand why, do have sympathy with my own predicament back in September, but it still feels awful.

Yes, sorry for posting at all here but I read your op and it was a very spontanous reaction to reply . But really it would have been appropriate for me to write if you were asking for general support dealing with shock pregnancy and not sure what to do.
Because you obviously made your decision, I'm going to go silent now.

mintcandy, please don't feel you were out of place. It's a public forum after all and threads have a life of their own iyswim and I absolutely didn't mind getting your perspective on this issue. Really not. And you posted it because you saw similarities between our situations ie the initial reaction to the news of pregnancy.

BTW I never had a termination before and while I always thought it should be a woman's right to choose I never thought I would be able to do it. And here I am- it doesn't feel great but I don't feel I could do otherwise at the moment.

Anyway, your initial post made me look at the situation from the other point of view and that was good as it was necessary that I consider all the possible outcomes and consequences etc.

I also hope your DH will agree to another baby- I imagine he must be grieving as well and is not ready yet. Maybe in a few months it will change- keeping my fingers crossed!
The best of luck to you x

I had one 4 years ago and I don't regret it.

I was in the process of relocating - found a new job, was looking for a house etc. I had already handed in notice on old job. So I just couldn;t have a baby - it was completely the wrong time. Plus dd was 10 and I thought the age gap wpuld be a nightmare.

I don't really ever think about it. However I know that if I had had the baby at the time it would have fucked everything up in my life.

However, at the time I was gutted. It was a horrible and tortured decision - I just thought how could DP and I create something out of love and I just get rid of it. Thought the whole stress and guilt would ruin our relationship. The actual termination itsefl was vile. I cried the whole morning, cried going into the theatre and cried whilst I was being anaesthetised. Then when I cam round aftr the operation I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I couldn't believe what I had done. However, this feeling didn't linger. In a couple of says I realised that I had done teh right think and felt relieved and excited for teh future. Just saying this so if you do go ahead and have a termination and feel wretched, that feeling my no means is certain to continue.

Re the procedure - all the HCPs were kindness in itself. The same nurses held my hand and stroked my hair whilst I went under, and she was there when I came round. She gave me a hug when I left operating theatre. I encountered no judginess or anything negative at all. Physically felt no pain whatsoever.

Good luck OP.