Has anyone NOT regretted having termination?

[winnybella]

I have been looking through some previous threads and each time someone posts asking for advice, there's lots of people saying how they had abortion and feel guilty, unhappy, traumatised, it was a biggest mistake...

I am facing termination now and I know it's the best thing for me and my family at the moment.I'm wondering if I am in some sort of denial, whether after the fact I will feel horrible- almost all of the posts I have read so far would imply that.

I would like to hear from people who went through it and aren't suffering because of taking that decision- because it was the only sensible decision at that time to make.

Thank you.

Winnie, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but think long and hard about your decision, I know a friend who was adamant she made the right decision at the time and has been tortured ever since. I think by hearing these stories, maybe you are trying to convince yourself that you will feel ok too, if other people can, so can you right? The answer is you dont know how you will feel and it will probably be heartbreaking for you. I have been very close to a termination, in the end I couldn't do it, mainly because I knew I couldnt look my son in the face knowing what I had done to his sibling and his future, and I would never have lived with myself. I hope you make the right choice and good luck in what you decide because its not an easy choice. I just wanted to say you need to be so so so so sure.

GetOrfMoiLand- thanks. That's how I feel it may happen for me, too ie obviously not a joyous occasion and I will probably get v.emotional, but in my case,like in yours, it's a case of circumstances not being right AND me feeling totally not ready to have another child- this one is sort of personal iyswim and not really dependent on the external circs.

ChalieBoo- I have thought about it, but to be honest I didn't have to think that hard about it: my initial response was :no, I don't want to go ahead with this pregnancy and then I spent time trying to see if anything could change my mind. And so far it's a no.

And, you're right, I do not know how I will feel after the termination, but I am quite certain that I would be miserable if I chose to continue. And that would not be good for my dcs.

I started this thread because I wanted to hear other women's stories and, yes, probably for reassurance that if you feel certain about your decision you are less likely to feel guilty and traumatised for life. Although of course there are aspects of this I feel a bit unsure about- it's not exactly like going to the dentist, is it?

I thought before my post that I would namechange. In the end I thought why should I? I do not feel ashamed about it.

Winny I hope that all goes well - it is incredibly toiugh but does get better imo. Good luck anyway.

Thanks.
feelitsright- hope you're ok.

Hi Winny

I am, I got home just after lunch. The surgical procedure went fine and the people at BPAS were so nice. Feel a little delicate and feel awful lying to family that I have had a miscarrage but I don't want to justify myself. I also feel a guilty that I feel relieved, I know thats wrong but its how I feel.

I hope you are ok? X X

Oh, good. Glad it went ok. Apparently this feeling guilty of feeling relieved is apparently quite common. I guess that if your instinctive reaction was that of relief you made a right decision, even if some sadness etc is likely to follow due to hormones crashing and because it was such a difficult choice to make.

You've got my sympathy re lying to family, but it's probably easier. I only told my mum and she's in agreement with me on this, so I don't have to worry about that.

I'm fine, terrified not looking forward to the actual procedure as I read tons of horror stories about it. I wish I went for the surgical option, but waiting time here is 3 weeks, so I thought I would just get it done and over with, but now am not so sure.

Take care of yourself x

Winny I have had two terminations. The first was when I was quite young, I had no idea I was pregnant so it was late at 17 weeks. I felt quite traumatized afterwards but I think that was mostly due to my milk coming in and hormones. The second was with my current DP 4 yrs ago. He really didn't want to continue with the pregnancy and I loved and wanted to be in a happy relationship with him. I have no regrets at all. We now have a DS who is adored (by both of us), but having him has just confounded my lack of regret. Parenthood is soooo much harder than I could have ever anticipated and I am so very glad that I was 100% sure that my son was so very dearly wanted by both myself and my DP. I guess you can never be certain of how YOU will feel after the event so you just have to make the best decision you can, then be a bit pragmatic about it once it is made.

feelitsright-Sincere good wishes x

ps at name change.

Thank you noregretsnow. Yes, parenthood is hard...it's great as well but best to be sure you want it, or at least it's better not to be so sure you don't as I am right now...

Am going to have a 'deep' talk with DP because I feel he's being very 'masculine' about it and not saying much, but I can see he's troubled. I think he's scared for me and also possibly having a bit of a moral dilemma.
He doesn't want a child right now either but better to have it all out before the actual procedure.

Again, thank you all so much for your input.

Thank you noregrets. x

Winny I think talking to your DP is very important. That is my one regret not talking to DH sooner and keeping things bottled up. Thinking of you. X

I am doing ok. I do not have much bleeding which is strange, my tummy is a little tender and feels 'windy'. I have started to take anti biotics that they gave me. My only guilt is having lied to other people. I have been for a lovely walk into town with DD2, DD1 has gone to watch football with DH!

Have a nice weekend Winny. Thinking of you. X

I haven't read the whole thread. I had a surgical termination in November. I have three children, and a dodgy marriage. Won't bore you with my whole story, but I have no regrets, and it was fine.

It's something I wish I'd never had to choose to to do, but it was the right thing for all of us.

The actual procedure was okay, the staff were lovely. I felt whacked out for about a week afterwards, and bled for ages, but I think that's just me. I'm pretty sensitive to general anaesthetic I think.

All fine now though, and whilst I have occasional feelings of sadness (what if's?), it's not something that I think about very often. Most of the time I forget that I was pregnant and had an abortion, and then it suddenly hits me, and I remember that I would be 6 months pregnant by now. But actually, I'm glad I'm not.

Never ever thought it would be something I could do (or even have to consider), and I'm pretty proud of how I've handled it, and proud that I made the right decision.

Feelitsright, I too told people that I'd miscarried. It's not nice having to lie to people, but it's easier than having to explain or justify yourself. Really, it's nobody's business but yours and your husband's. I did feel a bit paranoid for a while that people knew I was lying though.

winnybella, wciaz mam nadzieje , ze wybierzesz zycie dla swojego dziecka i przyniesie ono wam wiele radosci

Czesc! Teoretycznie powinnam byla sobie zdac sprawe, ze Polki sa obecne na tym forum, ale zadnej jeszcze nie spotkalam, albo raczej nie zindetifikowalam. Skad jestes? Ja mieszkam w Paryzu.

Na razie nie zmienilam zdania, za to dostalam boli klatki piersiowej/ zeber- prawdopodobnie od noszenia malej i jej wozka, ale bede musiala to sprawdzic, wiec jesli beda podejrzenia, ze jest to cos powazniejszego albo beda chcieli zrobic dodatkowe badania, to wtedy wszystko rzeczewiscie moze sie przedluzyc i w takim wypadku nie poddawala bym sie pozniejszej aborcji.

To bardzo trudne...ale naprawde nie jestem w stanie wyobrazic sobie teraz ciazy etc...nie jest to wesoly wybor.

*zindentyfikowalam

Don't read on if easily upset.

I had a late termination, at 23 weeks.
Very,very few women do, but I did and I have never ever regretted it.
I wish I hadn't been in a position where termination was necessary, but no, I do not regret it.
I am proud of myself for making such a hard choice and sticking to it, for doing it with very little support and for making the best choice for my family, even with the opposition I had.

Not everyone regrets termination, though I think everyone feels they should regret it, but that's because society try to make us feel this way.

I felt guilty at first, for not feeling guilty, but now I know that was how I was made to feel by others, I don't.

I had a termination, I have no regrets and I'd do it again in a second, because the family I have come first.

Thank you, muggglewump. I imagine it must have beeen very hard for you in terms of other's perception on the subject. It's good to know you're doing well.It's true that society makes us feel that we need to conform to some maternal, nurturing stereotype that should abhor the very idea of the termination.

My first set of pills is on Tuesday...Even though I do NOT want to be pregnant, it still feels like a violation of my body in a way...I mean, obviously it is in a psychiological sense...oh, I don't know.

I'll be getting an implant, I think, and use condoms every single time from now on.

This whole thing is a nightmare, and whatever my reason and heart say, there's this instinctive aversion to what I will be doing in a two days time.

I have an implant, and I've been sterilised since.

I hope all goes well for you, I know it's not an easy thing to do, even if you are sure.

Be kind to yourself and come back for support as often as you need.

Mieszkam w Anglii od 15 lat, tutaj wyszlam za maz. A tak w ogole to jestem ze Szczecina i wolalabym tam mieszkac ale teraz juz za pozno na powrot.

Prosze nie mysl, ze zle o tobie mysle ,ze nie chcesz byc w ciazy. Naprawde bardzo to rozumiem, tak jak napisalam wczesniej.
Ale nie potrafie wyrazic jak wdzieczna bardzo bardzo wdzieczna jestem wszystkim kobietom dzieki ktorym wybralam kontynuowanie ciazy mimo,ze to bylo niemozliwie trudne, ale tylko na poczatku, jak napisalam wkrotce moje uczucia zrobily niewyobrazalny wczesniej zwrot o 360.

Po prostu przeraza mnie sama mysl, jak bym sie teraz czula gdybym wybrala aborcje. Mysl, ze to by na zawsze bylo ze mna, do samego konca... Tym bardziej, ze im jestem starsza to odkrywam, ze coraz bardziej wyraznie zaczynam pamietac zdarzenia z przeszlosci, z dziecinstwa czy jak bylam nastolatka i to potwierdza moja mama, ktora ma teraz 59 lat, i jej mama z kolei tak mowila. Wierze , ze to nie zatarlo by sie w pamieci lecz bylo coraz wyrazniejsze.

Bardzo rzadko pisze cos na mumsnecie, choc czesto czytam. Ale kompletnie impulsywnie odpowiedzialam na twoj post i jakos tak to ze mna zostalo.

Mam nadzieje ze masz duzo wsparcia ze strony bliskich osob, zycze ci z serca... po prostu wszytkiego dobrego. Trzymaj sie winnybella.

Thinking of you today Winny X

Thank you feelitsright.
Am sat in the kitchen, listening to DD who is screaming in her cot ( can't breastfeed for 3 days). DP was trying to bribe her with cow's milk and a piece of cheese- didn't work.
Took the first tablet, people at the hospital v.nice, I was fine but now I'm starting to feel a bit of heaviness in my tummy.
I wasn't very emotional, even though there were babies and pregnant women waiting, as it was on the maternity ward.
How are you doing?

Keep strong Winny. This must be such a strange time for you waiting for it to be over. I am thinking of you too and sending you good wishes.

Thank you! I'm in bed already, mnetting writing my essay that's due on Friday.
It is very strange in how detached I feel. Oh well, we shall see.
Just v.annoyed that cannot bf- poor DD.

I had one in September by taking the tablets. I had a lot of problems afterwards as it hadn't worked properly. I still don't regret it as it was the wrong time for me and was probably for selfish reasons but what other reasons can they be for making such a difficult choice.

Best wishes for it all and my best advice is allow yourself to grieve if you need to

NeedCoffee- what a nightmare for you.

So far, I feel ok. We'll see on Thursday- gyneco at the hospital said that pain is NOT like labour contractions.

Hmmm.

Hi Winny

Just wanted to say thinking of you. I am reverting back to my other mumsnet name now and feel its time to step away. I will lurk to see how your doing but I feel fine like its never happened.

Take care. X