Sensitive subject. Medical or Early Surgical abortion, what were your experiences?

[notanun]

I am just 4 weeks pregnant. I have seen the GP who is going to refer me.

I thought I wanted to go down the medical route so that it could be over sooner but reading around I have seen some horror stories about the level of pain/bleeding. But I think I deserve the pain.

I am so sorry if you have been there too but could I ask you what you did, how it was and whether you think the one is better than the other.

Please don't flame me. You can't hate me any more than I hate myself.

notanun, i have no idea of the circumstances etc (didn't see the other thread), but is there someone in rl that you can talk this through with? you sound in so much anguish about your circumstances that whichever route you choose, you sound as though you need a sensible, non-judgemental hour to get it all off your chest. then you might be able to see past the desire to punish yourself, and be able to make a rational decision. does your gp offer an emergency counselling service? if not, one of the helplines might be able to suggest something locally?

nothing is ever as bad as you fear.

echo inagaddadavida - i'm not a bad person either

I don't think I have the words to tell you how much you are all helping in this. Your words, all of them, are helping me through an experience that is far lonelier than I could have anticipated.

I think, thankfully, the medical abortion is not done in the same way now. You go home and do it there, no pessaries.

Can I ask if you don't mind, nicky, how did you manage to get referred so quickly? I am worried that with Christmas and New Year (my birthday ), the wait will be weeks and weeks and it is important to me that it is soon.

I've got dh. He's very, very supportive. And a couple of good friends who know what is happening.

The anguish is not the decision itself. I know absolutely what I must do. I just don't know how to do it and what doing it will do to me.

I have ptsd after the birth of my dd, crippling and panic attack inducing and I know that being out of control during medical procedures that I didn't understand and hadn't anticipated caused a lot of it. I need to go into this with a clear head and knowledge of what might happen.

Dear NAN

I am so sorry to read the torment you are going through and wanted to pass you my good wishes. I had a surgical about 10 years ago when I was 9 weeks. I had it done whilst awake with a bit of local in my cervix and it was fine. Took about 10 mins and a nurse held my hand. A bit sore whilst it was done, but then sat in a chair and had a cup of tea and was on my way. Felt a bit delicate but otherwise OK.

Would this be an option for you if you don't want the GA? I don't think you deserve to be punished at all. You are clearly having a very tough time and need looking after.

I think Justabout has written beautifully about heaven, so I won't add my penneth there. Sending you strength, peace and all good wishes at this difficult time.

Take care.

DOn't mind at all.
I had depression at the time, so mentioning your ptsd may help. Perhaps luck too? Maybe there just wasn't a long list at the time? It was at a city hospital (well, Aberdeen, more a big town) and I presented as soon as I found out I was pg. In short, it wasn't specifically hurried. I had a helpful GP and was clear about what I needed to do. And lucky. DOn't get me wrong though, I was sad. But I have never regretted it, even though I now have a lovely wee boy and am expecting no.2. If anything I feel even more strongly that it was the right choice as it has made all our lives better.

Sybil, I think what you describe is something that I would be at peace with. I want to be awake I think and to come home soon afterwards. I don't think I can wait weeks though. Every day is a day that it develops and I feel more pg. I already have morning sickness, dd says my milk tastes different. I need to undo the physical side of it as quickly as I can.

Thank you nicky. My GP is phoning tomorrow to check on me. He is very nice. I need to explain to him (I cried too much when I saw him last night) clearly that I need to know that the HCPs are listening to me and responding to what I want. DH said at the appointment yesterday I was asking the GP's permission and he could see the same woman he saw at the end of labour who was frightened and giving in to the situation and not controlling it. He knows me too well.

I want this done before christmas. If I have to I will sell my wedding dress to pay for it privately. There's no other way to afford it.

It's great that your GP is good and your DH is looking out for you.

There's still a few weeks to go till Christmas. It shouldn't take too long to get an appointment once you are referred? But yes, do whatever you need to do to get it. The sooner it is over for you the better. I can't remember exactly how long I waited from the positive test till the termination but it is emotionally very tough.

i don't know which is which, but took pills and had a pessary inserted@ 17 weeks, and it was undeniably painful, though over with in a day. could have taken more pain relief drugs though.
On the other hand it was succesful and there were no long term ill effects, pain over as soon as abortion finished, and bleeding soon after - so job done on that score.

oh, that was back in 2006, and i definitely never felt out of control.

don't listen to horror stories - the risks associated are slight.

and give yourself a cuddle.

Hello notanun.

I've not read the entire thread (sorry) and I have namechanged for this thread. Looks to me like there is a lot of shame lurking around for us eh?

I've had 3 surgical abortions. I've had various experiences, I don't want to go into them too deeply, but suffice it to say that i would say this: The earlier the better, if you can have GA, have it, as to the shame and guilt?

They're wasted emotions sweetie. Wasted moments of your life when you can be concentrating on what you have not on what you've "lost"

Guilt is a destructive force. Don't allow it into your heart.

I'm not sure if I'll get back to this thread. I tend to forget my namechanges very quickly (I am aware that this makes me daft) but I am available to you via email. I'll hang around a little longer - if you want my email, let me know .

You'll be ok. It'll all be ok, if you can let it go.

Yes please to the email if you feel able.

I am reading. I am taking it all in.

Will be back in a bit, have to put dd to bed.

OK

You can catch me on: p r o n e t o v a n i t y @googlemail.com (obv I have inserted spaces for search facilities)

Can you CAT? I think I'm set up for that? (If you can't catch me, let me know -I'll set up another email)

I thought I'd come back to this and let you know what is happening as so many of you were so good as to talk to me, particularly about your own experiences.

I have an appointment at the fpc for a week's time. They have nothing sooner and said they would ring if there was a cancellation but it's unlikely. I don't know what happens there. Presumably it's just counselling and then another wait for a referral. I can't see it happening any time soon particularly with Christmas and New Year looming.

I have terrible morning sickness that doesn't isolate itself to the morning and am very tired. I feel so pregnant and I remember how grateful I was for it when pg with dd. The waves of nausea this time aren't reassuring and welcomed but a stark reminder of what it is I'm going to do.

I've spent a lot of time reading these past two days. Pro-life sentiments, pro-choice, scientific articles on foetus development, philosophical tracts on life. I don't really know why tbh as I lurch from horror to disgust to disappointment and still the simple fact remains that I cannot continue with this.

I keep wondering how I can be the same person as I am now if I do something of such magnitude. When dd says 'I love you' and wraps her sticky little fingers round me I think 'oh but you don't know what I am really'.

I'm blathering on. I never thought that I would be in this situation. We were so careful. On paper, I'm the cruellest person alive. I'm lucky to be pg, so many struggle to get and stay this way, I have a lovely dh and a brilliant dd, we have food and heating. We could manage practically perhaps. But emotionally it's so different. I can't sleep, I can't eat. My heart is racing, I feel sick and angry and alone. It won't get better. I couldn't even try for the alternative because it would consume me. It feels like an invasion.

I looked into going privately. Local clinic is £1000 and as long a wait as the NHS. BPAS and Marie Stopes I could afford if I could sell a few things (wedding dress, my computer) and get an overdraft but dh isn't keen to cripple us financially.

Thank you for listening to me waffle.

I still can't believe I'm the one posting this. GP gave me a leaflet on sex and contraception aimed at teenagers. Explained that I can still get pg doing it standing up. Felt like a stupid little girl instead of a married mother in the same and only relationship I have ever had for 11 years.

Oh NAN, I am so sorry you are feeling so rough. Be gentle on yourself. Your emotional health is extremely important for you and the rest of your family. I agree with your DH that crippling yourself financially is not worth it. I hope your appointment comes through quickly and you find some peace. You are not a bad person and should not berate yourself for this.

My best wishes to you.

I'm pleased you have an appointment.

My old chemistry teacher used to say we should all learn to love ourselves a little more. She was completely batty but she was right. You are a lovely mother who is doing what she needs to to protect her own emotional wellbeing and in doing so, that of her family.

Take care of yourself and find some peace in your decision.

NAN, if you can't cope emotionally then that's even more of a reason IMO. Practicalities (small car, not enough room) can be worked around/compromised, but feeling the way you do will never mean that this is a good thing, surely? And yet because they're just your emotions you feel guilty for having them as the reason for the decision you make.
I hope that came across right and you understand what I'm trying to say. You hate yourself for feeling the way you do and think it is changing you, but I think your daughter's image of you is probably closer to the real you than you think.

Thank you. Again.

You've been so lovely about all of this when I feel very alone.

I am having a bad day. I can't even walk to the postbox at the front of the house to collect the mail without having to pause to breathe deeply. I didn't have morning sickness like this with dd. I feel constantly sick and eating helps very slightly but only for a few minutes.

I don't think I can do this. Weeks of sickness. Christmas day, supposed to be wonderful and magical for dd and I'll be wrapped around the toilet feeling awful.

I'm a bloody emetophobe. I keep having the most terrible thoughts.

I'm thinking about buying the abortion pill online. I'm not able to cope for much longer. Are they safe?

Please phone the clinic, I was just like you, terribly sick and couldn't cope with waiting. I had the councelling and the procedure on the same day.

Do not buy the pill online please!!!!!

I've phoned the clinic. They say I have to wait for my appointment and then my referral. Weeks of waiting. I feel so sick. I need to do something. There's a train that goes past ever hour and I look at it and think, that's slow, it wouldn't kill me but it might end this situation and then I despise myself for it.

I can't eat or drink, I just feel gripped by sickness from the minute I wake to the minute I fall asleep.

Hi again NAN, I feel so for you.
I think maybe when you have your next appointment you need to really make it clear how dangerously low you are feeling, htey might be able to get you seen a bit quicker.

When I had mine I chose the surgical as I didn't want things to go on too long.

I would have needed two appointments a few days apart. I wanted to close my eyes and have it dealt with for me.
This did mean I had to wait a little longer, I had to be at least 8 weeks for the procedure otherwise the embryo is too small and could be missed.

It was like a cloud over me for a good week or two. I even went on a pre arranged night out and felt bad for drinking I felt that although I wasn't keeping this pregnancy, I should look after it while it was there

I think maybe the pill is the way to go for you if you really can't bear the wait. I spent my wait mulling it over, thinking wether we could manage, if I maybe could survive the pregnancy.

Please don't beat yourself up over this, you are making this decision, for you and your family, I'm sure if there were any part of you that thought you may be able to continue then you would try. You are not a bad person, you have found yourself in a terrible situation, like many many before you, and many will after you.

Please keep talking to us, we are all here to listen and help if we can. x

I have never been in the situation you are in at the moment butam worried about the way you are thinking/feeling.
Just a suggestion, would going to A&E be an option, explain truely how you are feeling and how this pregnancy is affecting your mental health, if you are having suicidal thoughts then this is urgent, really.
I will be thinking of you.

8 weeks?

Thank you izzybiz. I realised this morning that I've already taken two medications contraindicated in early pregnancy for an infection that was diagnosed 3 days before I found out I was pg and I feel terrible although it's nothing compared to what I will do. It doesn't make sense.

I would prefer the surgical option. Part of having PTSD after the birth is because of feeling out of control and not knowing what was happening. That would be replicated by the medical abortion. I wouldn't know what to expect. And I'm bfing. I'd rather avoid the tablets if I can. And I want it over with as quickly as possible. But 8 weeks? That's another month of vomitting and crying.

I had surgical at 12 weeks, the physical side was not terrible, as others have described...was just like period pains and period type bleeding.

The mental side is much much harder my situation was terrible (abusive relationship, got pg on the pill) but i still and still do struggle.

If you want someone to talk to, i am here you can email me on [email protected].

Be kind to yourself, thinking of you...xx