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Sensitive subject. Medical or Early Surgical abortion, what were your experiences?

117 replies

notanun · 08/12/2009 14:44

I am just 4 weeks pregnant. I have seen the GP who is going to refer me.

I thought I wanted to go down the medical route so that it could be over sooner but reading around I have seen some horror stories about the level of pain/bleeding. But I think I deserve the pain.

I am so sorry if you have been there too but could I ask you what you did, how it was and whether you think the one is better than the other.

Please don't flame me. You can't hate me any more than I hate myself.

OP posts:
MsDoctor · 14/12/2009 14:07

IF I Were in your shoes I would try for a medical termination. I have had two terminations, one private, one NHS. THe NHS one had me awake and walking into the room with all the surgical tools, also had a scan just to check before I had it. Truly awful.

notanun · 14/12/2009 14:17

MsDoctor I'm sorry you found your experience awful. Can I ask if your private termination was medical? I am struggling to find positive accounts of the medical procedure. What was it about the NHS one that was awful, if you feel able to explain. Was it the surgical nature of it? I wonder perhaps if what appeals to me from that side is the 'over and done with' aspect. I will know it's happening and then that it's over. With the medical I worry about the long wait, the not knowing if I will/won't see what I pass. And the cruelty of swallowing the pill myself. I can feel like it's a procedure, a necessity if it's performed by a dr perhaps.

Lulu, . Have you always been as nice as you are on here?

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Indith · 14/12/2009 14:21

The joy of automatically generated letters

I'd never judge. I greatly admire your strength and the way you parent. I am far too selfish to give everything you do to my dcs.

A glittery cat sounds very festive to me, she could add a bit of sparkle to the tips of his fur

notanun · 14/12/2009 14:33

I'm just worried about what she would get in return for the showering of glitter. The cat is sulking under the tree. Poor thing isn't allowed to play with anything anymore. The tree, the lights, I imagine it's the feline equivalent of being stuck in a room full of gingerbread with sellotape over my mouth.

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jessia · 14/12/2009 14:35

Notanun I just wanted to add my voice to the people who are wishing you peace with your decision. You are doing absolutely the right thing not only by yourself but also by your little girl and your DH - so that makes you the best mum just as she is telling you. And your dad evidently loved you so much that I can't believe he would want you to go through again what you have already been through and has caused you so much trouble.

I haven't any practical advice to offer as I don't live in the UK but I do have experience of a surgical termination under GA and I can confirm that physically I was fine the same day aside from normal bleeding.

Please be good to yourself. Allow yourself at least to enjoy your little girl's hugs and sticky fingers - because you really do deserve them. And I hope this all goes through as rapidly and smoothly as possible.

Lulumama · 14/12/2009 14:38

i do have a dark side, notanun!!

i try to do unto others as i would have done, seems a good way to try to live

Indith · 14/12/2009 14:38

Now that would be a terrible fate.

Indith · 14/12/2009 14:39

being stuck in a room of gingerbread unable to eat would be a terrible fate that is. Lulus doing unto others seems like a pretty good way to live.

notanun · 14/12/2009 14:41

jessia, thank you. You sound lovely. Thank you for sharing your experience. My Dad's still alive btw, I think maybe I made it sound like he isn't. He's wonderful and I adore him but he is an Orthodox Christian and very set in his beliefs.

lulu, if that theory works then people must be bloody marvellous to you.

Gingerbread.

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jessia · 14/12/2009 14:50

Oh dear, very very sorry for trying to do your Dad in . Now I understand. I suppose you mean that would be his reaction were you to tell him . But I stand by what I said. You and your DD and DH have to be your primary concern.
I share your logic on the surgical procedure. And I'm glad your DH is so supportive.
Good luck and will be keeping you in my thoughts.

MsDoctor · 14/12/2009 15:49

Right, the horrid one was NHS but it was over ten years ago. It made it all very real for me, plus I was in a ward with ten or so girls going through the same thing. IT was just seeing everything in front of me, plus i had a little feeling of 'surgical assault', the feeling that someone had been somewhere I had not. BUt then I was a drama queen and only 19!!

FOr goodness sake stop trying to punish yourself with this, I can't see it will do anything but harm. Give Brook advisory or someone a call and talk about this. Because if you go down the 'punishing' route you may find that you don't feel it's enough or that you are focusing on the punishment to avoid the real issue. No matter how many people tell you that you are right you need to feel this 100%.

arionater · 14/12/2009 17:34

notanun - re: the sickness and not wanting to bother the doctor for pills for it. Even if you feel that you "deserve" to suffer in this situation (which I would contest very strongly, as I'm sure would your GP), you have mentioned that feeling so unwell is effecting your daughter too. Could you perhaps focus on that instead? Not in a just-more-guilt way, but as a means to allow yourself to look after yourself, for her sake as well as your own. Obviously the best thing would be to have the termination as soon as possible, but I do think it's worth asking about the pills if it turns out you're going to have wait more than a few days. It's such a busy (and emotionally fraught) time of year too which can't be helping.

Indith · 15/12/2009 11:10

Hope things have gone well this morning x

notanun · 15/12/2009 12:52

Thank you for remembering Indith .

Spent much longer than I anticipated at the FPC. Saw a doctor first then a nurse (back to front apparently but the nurse was busy). Had all sorts of swabs (nasal and groin even ) for things like MRSA, presumably so that I don't take it into hospital with me. Also had to give 2 urine samples, had a vaginal exam, physical, height, weight etc, LOTS of questions and a transvaginal scan.

The scan showed a gestational sac, in the right place so any ectopic concerns eliminated, but not much else so hard to date. I have to go to the EPAU on Friday just to confirm how far along I am. They talked to me for a long time, listened and asked me which method I preferred. Surgical does involve a wait until 7 weeks and is only done with a general anaesthetic. The doctor and nurse both recommended that the surgical route was the best for me as they don't like to recommend medical routes for people with birth trauma (lack of control) and they both thought that stopping bfing would upset too much of the status quo when everything else will be so up in the air.

Because they need to be sure I'm over 7 weeks, they've booked me in for the procedure on 7th January when by my dates I'll be nearly 8 weeks.

I feel numb today. I cried on the doctor and the nurse. They were both wonderful, caring, kind and the nurse herself had been in my position following a traumatic birth and PND. It took her a further 6yrs to have another child. The doctor said that the only thing that she wanted to ask of me was that I have counselling over the birth of dd and try and move on, not in an attempt to have more children but to move past something that's taken 2 and a half years of my life, my confidence, my sex life, everything. She said she will do the referral to a counsellor she knows who specialises in this area and will get in touch after the termination. She was lovely and understanding and tried to reassure me that nobody could tell me this pregnancy was a healthy or appropriate choice right now.

I'm sad that it will be several more weeks to wait but have made a conscious decision to focus on dd and Christmas/New Year and approach it when the time comes. I feel empty today, almost like it isn't happening to me.

I am petrified of a general anaesthetic. I've never had one and the idea fills me with dread but there is no other option.

I also have anti-sickness meds now.

I'm very tired, but on the walk home saw a jay on a lampost. Beautiful, my favourite bird. I haven't seen one since dd was a baby.

OP posts:
arionater · 15/12/2009 17:41

Jays are a treat aren't they? I like them too, and they are unusual enough to feel like something special.

I'm really pleased the doctor and nurse you saw were so helpful and reassuring; I hope you feel a bit more in control now, and that you feel able to take them up on the suggestion of counseling in the new year.

Re: the general anaesthetic - my understanding is that the termination will be quite a quick procedure when it's so early on, and the quicker the procedure the lighter the anaesthetic, so this should minimise how unwell you feel afterwards and how long it takes you to recover.

I know it feels like forever now, but this will be over soon.

Indith · 15/12/2009 17:48

Sounds like it was dealt with very well. A really good doctor can be an amazing thing. I saw one last week, fabulous woman. When they actually listen and try to help you as a person and not just tick the boxes and get on to the next patient it can make any experience far more positive. You certainly sound more positive although it will of course take time for everything to sink in. It must feel better to have a date to work towards rather than a huge unknown.

The counselling sounds like a Good Thing, I hope that with the right person to talk to you can come to terms with dd's birth.

Dh had a general in September for knee surgery. I think going under and coming round was actually fine, someone tells you that they are giving it to you and tells you that you are going to go to sleep so you know it is coming. What surprised him was how tired he was afterwards, that he needed to sleep to sleep off being asleep.

I'm sure I shall cross paths with you at some point before Christmas but in case I don't, hold true to that positive pledge to focus on dd and Christmas. Take those pills of yours and lose yourself in her excitement, glitter and general chaos

Lulumama · 16/12/2009 20:30

you sound much more settled with your decision now ,am glad yu had good supportive medical people to talk to . hope you do feel a bit better xxx

chegirlwithbellson · 16/12/2009 21:20

NAN
I havent posted on your threads (well I did the first one but i just did it as it was deleted).

I have been reading with great concern (hope doesnt sound patronising). I am glad that you have had your appt and are getting somewhere. I am really glad that the medics were so nice to you - you deserve it.

I had PTSD after the illness and death of my DD. It has had a huge affect on my life. I appear very calm and in control until I am in any sort of medical environment. Then that awful feeling of dread/horror/panic/fear/loss of control kicks in like a bugger.

Take care of yourself.

LilRedWG · 17/12/2009 12:38

I am glad that you've had some good, supportive advice. Take care of yourself.

jessia · 20/12/2009 22:12

NAN

Glad you had a positive experience at the clinic, doctor sounds amazing. Love people who can look past the immediate.

The general is really OK. I have had twice, once for termination nearly 10 years ago and once for an ERPC (trying hard not to think of this as nemesis) this year. The only thing I really remember about either/both is being extremely irritated that someone was waking me from a deliciously deep sleep - and the time span on both occasions was in the region of 15 minutes! If it helps, on both occasions (despite the diametrically different circumstances) hospitalisation and the detached feeling that comes with something so unreal happening actually helped me to move on, where ahead of both procedures I had been feeling a lot like you.

I hope you (and the cat) manage to have a peaceful and happy Christmas.

notanun · 02/01/2010 10:17

I thought I'd come back and update you with what was happening as so many of you have been so kind as to talk to me and share your experiences on here.

chegirl- I've seen your pictures of your dd before and heard you talk about her on here (I believe we've chatted under my normal name). She's a beautiful girl, really breathtaking and I always like to hear you talk about her.

jessia, thank you for the GA reassurances. I'm so terrified of it I think I'm fixating on it instead of everything else that I should be thinking about it. I can't explain what frightens me so much. Everybody says it's going to sleep but it's not is it? It's being switched off. It's having your consciousness switched from here to not here and there's only one other time that happens naturally and you're not supposed to come back from it. It's so unnatural. I keep wondering if I begged the anaesthetist, he'd do it with no anaesthetic. I know it's possible and I'd be happier with that. I don't want to go to sleep. I'm frightened I won't wake up again.

Anyway, I had the second EPAU scan and there were whispers about ectopic and the development not being what they expected so had another 10 day wait for a repeat scan which showed everything was actually normal and would be 8 weeks on Monday, bang on my dates.

The on foot route from the carpark to the EPAU at the local hospital goes past the entrance I was taken into while in labour, past surgery where I had the em cs, past the delivery suite where I waited for a bed and past the wards where I was afterwards. Then past the antenatal clinic full of excited, beaming women and into the EPAU. I managed to walk there using hypnobirthing techniques (they have a use after all) and lay with my eyes screwed shut throughout the scans. I did look at the end. There was this perverse voice in my ear telling me to confront what I was doing and I did. It had a heart. I managed to get as far as the wards on my walk back out before locking myself in a toilet. I think I sat on the floor in there for half an hour trying to breathe and stop crying.

I haven't been so great since then. I keep seeing the hospital and smelling it and seeing all those beaming parents and doctors and nurses rushing about and then I can't breathe again. I can't eat. Apart from plain crisps and boiled sweets, I can't keep anything down and they are touch and go. I've lost too much weight and the all day and all night nausea are sapping any strength I have left. Ironically, I can't keep anti sickness drugs down and the ones you dissolve in your mouth make me gag. 5 days of this left.

Nobody will be allowed with me on Thursday, there's no room so this really is something I have to do alone. I'm frightened I'll have a panic attack when they're doing the anaesthetic and that I'll choke. I'm frightened I won't wake up and cuddle dd again.

I don't think I'm handling it very well today. I just want it over with, which is selfish I know.

OP posts:
notanun · 02/01/2010 12:15

Well aren't I just sunshine personified?

I have no idea when I turned into such a whingebag.

FGS.

DD had a lovely Christmas. The sun's out. My Dad has learned how to use email and has just sent me his very first attempt. Made me smile (nOT quuuitte worked this out.yet etc).

Ignore the misery. Happy New Year.

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nowwhatdoido · 02/01/2010 17:45

notanun, I had a surgical abortion five weeks ago, at almost 9 weeks pg. I went in by myself. It was a very hard thing to do, but you have nothing to fear about the actual procedure. All the staff were very kind to me. It was a decision I wish I had never had to make, but I have no regrets.

Themasterandmargaritas · 02/01/2010 17:54

Notanun . I'd say it's quite natural to have such anxieties about a procedure when you have had bad hospital experiences in the past. Just keep talking to us. It will be over soon.

biggulp · 02/01/2010 17:57

notanun. poor you.

i'm pregnant with a much wanted baby (and waited for). have one ds and had a miscarriage earlier this year.

also had an abortion at 22 y o. they made me wait til 12 weeks, i had a surgical abortion and it was under GA. the absolute worst bit was the scan where I saw the heartbeat.

i really feel for you. please please don't beat yourself up. go for a general.

xxx